True (6 page)

“I’m not kidding. My brother is a technician for an office equipment company. They get a lot of calls to repair copiers that have been broken because of someone trying to make a copy of their butt!” Justin laughs along with me.

“That is ridiculous.” I say and let out a loud snort. Embarrassed, I cover my face with my hand. Soon both Justin and I are cracking up even harder. And we did for the rest of the afternoon.

Justin stopped by the office to pick up paperwork for a new project. I saw his black truck pull up to the building and secretly hope that he would come in to say hello. I couldn’t help the ping of excitement in my chest when he lightly tapped on my office door. There was something about the way he stood there in the doorway with a lazy grin, a tight black t-shirt and nice fitting jeans, the whole rugged workman look really working for him.

He sat in my office for a couple of hours chatting while I went over his invoices and receipts.

It’s now 5pm, and Justin is walking me to my car. He takes my key fob from my hand, hits unlock, and pulls open the door for me. Feeling slightly awkward and impressed, I give him a shy smile as I settle myself into the driver’s seat.

“Thanks.” I say bashfully and hold my hand out for the keys. His fingers lightly graze mine as he places them in my palm. I will myself to not be affected by the way he is leaning down into the open doorway and clearly invading my personal space.

“How come you never say my name?”

“What?” I say in response, completely baffled by the randomness of his question.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say my name, Courtney.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ve used your name before.” My chest tightens uncomfortably. I’m feeling all kinds of wrong having a moment like this with him. “Well, I should get going. I’ve got to pick up the girls.” I attempt to pull the door closed, but Justin doesn’t step out of the way. I glare up at him with an expression that clearly asks him to move.

“Say it.”

“Say what?” I reply dumbly, already knowing the answer.

“Say my name and I’ll back away.”

Speechless, I look away from him and start to chew my bottom lip. Justin reaches out and uses his thumb to tug my lip from between my teeth. My eyes involuntarily meet a pair of dark green eyes staring back at me with an intensity that overwhelms m
e. I want to pull away, but for some reason I can’t.

“I can’t do this…” I whisper trying to
will my body to get on the same page as my brain.

“Say it, Courtney. That’s all I’m asking. I want to hear you say it and I’ll back away.” I consider his request for a moment. Hell, it was just a name. Why am I making a big deal out of it? I look back at him and decide to get it over with.

“Justin.” His name left my lips, sounding a lot breathier than I was going for. Even to my ears it sounded more like he was sliding into me, not standing a foot away like he was now.
It must have sounded the same to him because his eyes grow cloudy and his lips part slightly.
The buzzing of my cell phone thankfully interrupts the moment. I reach into my purse and see Alex’s name flashing on the screen. Guilt washes over me instantly. Why did that moment between us feel so good and when it should feel so bad?

“I’ve got to take this.” I wave my phone up for him to see. He clears his throat and nods quickly.

“I’ll see you later, Courtney.” He steps back, shuts the door and flashes me a smile before striding to his truck. I stare after him for a second in the side view mirror before swiping the answer key on my phone.

“Hi, babe. What time did your flight land?” I proceed to talk to my husband about everyday things like the kids, his trip and our upcoming Thanksgiving plans with the family, but deep down I felt like the worst kind of person.
I am flirting with danger, and if I am honest with myself, a big part of me can’t wait to see Justin again.

*****

Justin was asking for trouble, and I wasn’t stupid. I saw the way his eyes lingered on places they shouldn’t like my chest when I leaned forward or at my lips when I spoke. I could pick up a hint of double meaning in some of the things that he said. Instead of doing anything to discourage him, I chose to file it the harmless flirtation category. Yes, I am a married woman but that didn’t mean it wasn’t nice to be flirted with. No lines would be crossed.

For reasons that I can't explain I start making special efforts with my appearance before going to the office. I take the time to do something more with my hair than the usual ponytail. I add soft curls, or clip it in various ways in the front or artfully twist it up in the back. Since I consider my eyes my best asset, I apply a little more makeup to make them standout. Saturday, I even dropped the girls off with my sister, Macy, so that I could have a “Me” day. Since having my babies, I haven’t spent much time on myself. While I managed to slowly lose the majority of my baby weight, I never bothered to buy clothes that better fit my shape. Most of what I wore included some pre-pregnancy items I could still fit or loose fitting things I bought at a heavier weight. Doing things for me never seemed like a priority. I always chose to pick up things for the girls and never for myself. DeeDee gave me a gift card for my birthday and made me swear to spend it on me and not the kids. It ended up being harder than I thought to stick to that promise.

So after a day of shopping and finding several outfits that fit my body and made me feel slimmer, I treated myself to a
mani/pedi and endured torturous waxing. I hadn’t felt that good about myself in a long time. My thoughts would drift back to the Facebook photo of Alex and pretty Ashley Danielle. Not that I felt I needed to change myself for him, I knew that I needed to do this for me and my self-esteem. I can’t deny I hated how that photo made me feel. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to anyone but myself, I liked the attention I got from Justin. I liked that I could draw reactions from him. It made me feel desired. Something that Alex hasn’t made me feel in a while.

Soon I began looking forward to seeing Justin’s grinning face every morning as he handed me my favorite latte and muffin from the coffee shop next door. He never even asked me what I liked. He is just that observant.

Things between Alex and I have been touch and go. We have good days where we can’t keep our hands off of each other, and other days were we barely speak. He is still terrible about calling when he travels and I find another picture of him with Ashley Danielle. This one stays posted on Facebook. It is another group photo. He is standing next to Stiller and a few other people smiling at the camera while Ashley Danielle was in front hugging Stiller’s wife. To someone not seething with jealousy, it is an innocent enough photo. I still didn’t know who Ashley Danielle was, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask him. Will I be happy with any answer he provides?

She’s just a friend.

I don’t want her to be his friend. I want him to say he doesn’t know her at all, but I know it will be a lie. What if they are more than friends? Alex and I are drifting apart. We are having sex less frequently and I worry the reason is because he’s getting it from another source. God, that would kill me. I decide to tuck my head in the sand and hope the situation passes.

The night of Olivia’s dance recital changed everything. A week prior to the event, I helped Olivia design her invitations on the computer. She printed them and addressed them to everyone. She also wanted to deliver the invites personally to her attendees. I took her to work with me one day after school and she proudly strutted around like she was handing out golden tickets. She even gave Justin an invitation and beamed when he told her he wouldn’t miss it for the world. My conscience screamed
“Danger, Court. Don’t bring this guy around your kids.”
But stupidity got the upper hand and I didn’t put up much resistance. I knew he was going because of me, not because he wanted to see a bunch of kids in a rendition of The Wizard of Oz.

*****

“So what time is that recital tomorrow?” Justin asks before taking a bite of his sandwich. We are sitting at our “usual” table in the cafe across the street from the firm. We've been meeting here almost every day for a week.

“Six o'clock. Are you really planning to go, because you know you don't have
to. I'm sure Liv will be fine.”

“Of course. I promised her. I always keep my promises.” He shoots me a handsome grin while shrugging. I study him for several moments while chewing. A sudden feeling of nervousness makes me fidgety so I shift to cross my legs. I am unprepared for the electric current that travels up my spine when my foot accidentally brushes his leg under the table. Instantly, I pull back and straighten myself. Justin's eyebrows raise in reaction before he clears his throat and grabs the glass in front of him.

“That's my drink.” I say to him as he sips the last of my iced tea.

“I know.” He replies, his eyes never leaving mine.

*****

Alex was supposed to fly home but ended up having to extend his Chicago visit another night. Olivia was heartbroken that her daddy couldn’t make it, so I promised to stop at her favorite restaurant and let her eat dessert for dinner.

It is the end of Olivia's solo dance as
Glinda
and it was fantastic. Justin is sitting next to me and cheering loudly. He leans close to me and comments on how talented she is, and I agree. For a seven year old, she has a natural grace when she dances and I plan to help cultivate her gift. I think it's cute that he seems to be having a great time. The way he laughs beside me at the show, claps and whistles. I even hear him singing along to some of the tunes. I can't keep from looking over every so often and smile at him. Several times we lock eyes and linger longer than necessary. I find myself sitting there wondering if Justin and I look like a couple. He is a very attractive man, and I notice the appreciative glances in his direction from other women. I let myself imagine that Justin is my husband and we are watching our child’s performance. I wait for the guilt, but it doesn’t come.

I don’t remember the last time Alex attended one of these. Normally, I go alone. I sit alone. I cheer for my daughter alone. For a long time, I didn’t mind because I knew if Alex could be here he would but as time wore on I stopped expecting him to make it and began just buying a recording of her performances for him to watch later. This was it. This was our life.

My heart hurt a little for Liv because I knew how much she wished her daddy could be there. The only time I ever felt anger was when one of the other mom’s recently commented,
“Girl, it is hard being a single mother. I'm sure you know how it is.
” It never occurred to me that I looked like a single mom until I processed it all. First, Alex never went to rehearsals and rarely made it to performances. Second, I wasn't wearing my wedding rings anymore. At first it was because one of the diamonds had popped out of the band. It took me several days to find the time to take it in to be repaired. I went at least two weeks without wearing my rings and when Alex was home during that time he didn’t seem to notice. So I decided to leave them off to see how long it would take him to say something. That was five months ago. Yep, I look like a single mother.

When the performance is over, we stand to leave. I heft Jordyn onto my hip in order to not lose her in the heavy crowd, and Justin’s warm fingers lace with mine as he pulls me along beside him. There is something in the way he is holding tightly to me. Like I am his. I know this is wrong and that I should let go of his hand immediately, but I've missed feeling this way so much that I can't stop myself from accepting it.

What if someone sees us?

I ignore the little voice in my head because I want to remain in my fantasy. Pretend that my life wasn’t my life and the one I just created in my head was real just for a little while longer.

We make our way through the crowd and to the back room where the little performers are waiting for their parents to pick them up. I scan the crowd for Olivia, and my heart stops dead. Alex is kneeling down in front of her, nodding enthusiastically as she speaks. Luckily his back is to us but still I instantly drop Justin’s hand and he looks at me first in confusion before following my gaze. When understanding seems to dawn on him, he takes a reluctant side step creating more distance.

“Mommy! Mr. Justin! Look what Daddy brought me!” Olivia rushes forward with a large bouquet of pink roses in her arms. Alex turns at the same time in our direction. His smile immediately transforms
from relaxed to tight as his eyes shift several times between Justin and I. Swallowing down the feeling of nervousness, I step forward.

“Oh Liv, those are beautiful!” I bent over and hugged my girl while glancing at Alex. “When did you get here? You said you were staying another night.”

Alex’s eyes are still studying Justin before he looks back to me and replies tightly. “Yeah, I ended up working something out and getting another manager to stand in. I caught my original flight home.” His eyes snap back to Justin, and he extends his hand.

“Alex.” He stiffly states.

That’s when it dawns on me that the two have never met. Alex is making it very obvious that introductions are long past due. Before I can say anything to help the situation, Justin speaks up.

“Justin.” He stiffly states back while shaking hands with my husband and offers no explanation for his presence. Is he intentionally trying to be difficult? A little bit baffled and a lot worried by the stare down Alex and Justin are giving each other I decide to open my mouth and explain, fast.