Twelfth Night (15 page)

MARIA
    Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this

beard. Make him believe thou art
Sir
Topas
²

the
curate.
Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby
the whilst.
³

[
Exit
]

FESTE
    Well, I’ll put it on, and I will
dissemble
⁴
myself in’t,

and I would I were the first that ever
dissembled
⁵
in such a

gown. I am not tall enough to
become
⁶
the

function
⁷
well, nor lean enough to be thought a

good student. But to be
said
⁸
an honest man and a good

housekeeper
goes as fairly
as to say a
careful
⁹
man and a great

scholar. The
competitors
¹⁰
enter.

SIR TOBY
    Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

FESTE
    
Bonos dies
, Sir Toby. For, as the
old hermit of Prague
¹²

that
never saw pen and ink
very wittily said to a niece of
King
¹³

Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is.’ So I, being Master Parson, am

Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’, and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

SIR TOBY
    To him, Sir Topas.

FESTE
    What, ho, I say? Peace in this prison.

SIR TOBY
    The knave counterfeits well, a good knave.

MALVOLIO
    Who calls there?

FESTE
    Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

the lunatic.

MALVOLIO
    Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

FESTE
    Out,
hyperbolical
fiend!
How
vexest
²³
thou this man!

Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY
    Well said, Master Parson.

MALVOLIO
    Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir

Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in

hideous darkness.

FESTE
    Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

modest terms
³⁰
, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use

the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that
house
³¹
is

dark?

MALVOLIO
    As hell, Sir Topas.

FESTE
    Why it hath bay windows transparent as

barricadoes
, and the
clerestories
³⁵
toward the south north are

as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of

obstruction?

MALVOLIO
    I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this house is

dark.

FESTE
    Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but

ignorance, in which thou art more
puzzled
⁴¹
than the

Egyptians in their fog.
⁴²

MALVOLIO
    I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never

man thus
abused.
⁴⁵
I am no more mad than you are. Make the

trial of it in any
constant
question.
⁴⁶

FESTE
    What is the opinion of
Pythagoras
⁴⁷
concerning wild

fowl?

MALVOLIO
    That the soul of our
grandam
might
happily
⁴⁹
inhabit

a bird.

FESTE
    What think’st thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO
    I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his

opinion.

FESTE
    Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou

shalt hold th’opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy
⁵⁵

wits, and fear to kill a
woodcock
⁵⁶
, lest thou dispossess the soul

of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO
    Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY
    My most
exquisite
⁵⁹
Sir Topas!

FESTE
    Nay, I
am for all waters.
⁶⁰

MARIA
    Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

gown. He sees thee not.

SIR TOBY
    
To
⁶³
him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If

he may be conveniently
delivered
⁶⁵
, I would he were, for I am

now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue

with any safety this sport to the
upshot.
Come
by and by
⁶⁷
to

my chamber.

FESTE
    ‘Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

Tell me how thy lady does.’

MALVOLIO
    Fool!

FESTE
    ‘My lady is unkind,
perdy.
⁷²
’

MALVOLIO
    Fool!

FESTE
    Alas, why is she so?’

MALVOLIO
    Fool, I say!

FESTE
    ‘She loves another’— Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO
    Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper. As I am a

gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

FESTE
    Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
    Ay, good fool.

FESTE
    Alas, sir, how fell you
besides
your
five wits?
⁸²

MALVOLIO
    Fool, there was never man so
notoriously
⁸³
abused. I

am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

FESTE
    
But
⁸⁵
as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no

better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO
    They have here
propertied
⁸⁷
me, keep me in darkness,

send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
face
⁸⁸
me

out of my wits.

FESTE
    
Advise you
⁹⁰
what you say. The minister is here.—

Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
bibble babble.
⁹²

MALVOLIO
    Sir Topas!

FESTE
    Maintain no words with him, good

fellow.— Who, I, sir? Not I, sir.
God buy you
⁹⁵
, good

Sir Topas.—

Marry, amen.—

I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO
    Fool, fool, fool, I say!

FESTE
    Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am
shent
¹⁰⁰

for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO
    Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I

tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

FESTE
    
Well-a-day
¹⁰⁴
that you were, sir.

MALVOLIO
    By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall

advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

FESTE
    I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad

indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO
    Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

FESTE
    Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains.

I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO
    Fool, I’ll
requite
¹¹³
it in the highest degree. I prithee be

gone.

FESTE
    I am gone, sir,

And anon, sir,

I’ll be with you again,

In
a trice
¹¹⁸
,

Like to the old
Vice
¹¹⁹
,

Your need to sustain,

Who, with
dagger of
lath
¹²¹
,

In his rage and his wrath,

Cries ‘Aha!’ to the devil,

Like a mad lad,

Pare
thy nails
,
dad.
¹²⁵

Adieu,
goodman
¹²⁶
devil.

SEBASTIAN
    This is the air, that is the glorious sun,

This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see’t.

And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio, then?

I could not find him at the Elephant.

Yet there he
was
, and there I found this
credit
⁶
,

That he did
range
⁷
the town to seek me out.

His counsel now might do me golden service,

For though my soul
disputes well
⁹
with my sense

That this may be some error but no madness,

Yet doth this
accident
¹¹
and flood of fortune

So far exceed all
instance
, all
discourse
¹²
,

That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

And
wrangle
¹⁴
with my reason that persuades me

To any other
trust
¹⁵
but that I am mad,

Or else the lady’s mad; yet, if ’twere so,

She could not
sway her house
¹⁷
, command her followers,

Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
¹⁸

With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

As I perceive she does. There’s something in’t

That is
deceivable.
²¹
But here the lady comes.

OLIVIA
    Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

Now go with me and with this holy man

Into the
chantry
by
²⁴
: there, before him,

And underneath that consecrated roof,

Plight me the full assurance of your faith
²⁶
,

That my most
jealous
²⁷
and too doubtful soul

May live at peace. He shall conceal it

Whiles
you are willing it shall come to
note
²⁹
,

What
time we will our
celebration
³⁰
keep

According to my
birth.
³¹
What do you say?

SEBASTIAN
    I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,

And having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA
    Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine,

That they may
fairly note
³⁵
this act of mine!

FABIAN
    Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

FESTE
    Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN
    Anything.

FESTE
    Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN
    
This is to give a dog and in recompense desire my
⁵

dog again.