Un-Connected (8 page)

            “I
do love you.  I wish you would quit saying I don’t love you because I do.”

            “Do
you love those other women? Do you love me but love them too?”

            “He
stammered.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  I want…””

            “I
interrupted him.  “Do you love those other women?””

            “He
didn’t answer for a few seconds.  “I don’t love them like I love you but they
are really good friends and they are there for me when I need them.  I…””

            “I
interrupted him again.  “Will you quit having sex with them?””

            “He
stammered, “I don’t have sex with them.””

            “I
was really weak and unconvincing.”

            “Yes
you are I can tell by your answer.  Plus you were seen going into places with
these women where you have no business going if you are married.  Quit lying to
me.  What are you going to do?  Will you quit seeing them or not?”
            “He paused and took a deep breath.  “Yes I will quit seeing them.””

            “We
both sat there in silence for a few minutes.” 

            “I
will have to go see them one more time and explain what is happening.”

            “I
raised my voice and said, “No you don’t have to.  You can call them or I will
call them.  It will take me about ten seconds to explain you don’t want to see
them or hear from them any longer.””

            “He
just sat there and looked at me.  “Okay, I will do it but I’m not doing it
setting here with you listening.””

            “I
want us to both go to counseling.” I said.  “I’m willing to change.  I want to
be the woman you want but I don’t know what to do except for us to go to
counseling so we can work this out.”

            ““Okay. 
I will go.” He said.”

            “I
sat there for a few minutes and then got up and went to start dinner.  He went
out on the front porch and I could hear him talking in a low voice.  I couldn’t
hear what he said but it wasn’t a short call like it would have been had I made
the call.”

“Eventually he came in.  He wasn’t happy and
he wasn’t warm.  I didn’t know where our marriage was headed.  I had supper
about ready when he came in.”

            “If
you will wash up and get our drinks I should have it on the table.”

            “Okay.”
He answered quietly.  It sounded like he had made a deal he wasn’t happy with. 
If he wasn’t then we weren’t going to make it.”

            “When
he got to the table with our drinks he pulled out my chair to be nice to me.  I
thanked him and we sat down to eat.  Nothing was said for probably ten
minutes.  He always ate faster than me and he was about done.”

            “I
need more sex.” He said.  “I love you and want our marriage to work but I need
you more than you are available.”

“I will be available.  I will leave a job
anytime you want and meet you at the house.”

“He agreed to try that.  So for the next
month or more I was available whenever he wanted.  Sometimes I enjoyed him and
sometimes I didn’t but I wanted to make our marriage work.”

“I found the best counselor I could and paid
him $250 an hour.  I went twice and Larry never showed up either time.  The
counselor wanted me to realize it was partly my fault but very little in
comparison and mostly his fault.  I had so many doubts about myself.  I felt
like such a failure.  I felt ugly and was sure I was a big loser.  I was so
lonely I ached all over.  During the worst times I had this big ache in the pit
of my stomach.  Sometimes I couldn’t eat and my face broke out terribly.  I was
a mess.  I didn’t sleep well either.”

“But after about two months dad saw him with
his “regular” girl friend again.  When I asked him about it he admitted it and
said he couldn’t be a one woman man.  I asked why he wouldn’t go to counseling
with me.””

            “He
never gave me an answer.”

            “If
you aren’t going to be my man and keep the promise you made when we got married
then you need to move out.”

            “He
moved to the living room and sat on the sofa for awhile.  Every now and then he
would shake his head “no” very faintly.  By the time I finished eating and got
the kitchen cleaned up he had made up his mind.  When I walked into the living
room he got up and said he was sorry.  He went to our bedroom and packed a
couple of bags and left.”

“It is hard to this day to trust a man.  I
trust you because I see how much you loved Rebecca. But I’m also afraid to
trust you.”

            Then
she laughed.  “It is easier to trust a man when you lock him up in a truck all
day.”

            I
was surprised at her saying that.  “You wouldn’t trust me any other way?” I
asked. 

            “Yes
I would but I thought of that and thought it was funny.”

            “It
is but I hope it isn’t true for you and me.”

            “It
isn’t.” she said.

            “So
I had worked in the high end remodeling for a few years until no one was
putting more money in real estate. The housing market crashed.  Dad retired early
and is doing odd jobs for people.  He has a pickup truck and he can nearly
always make a few dollars helping someone haul something.   I didn’t know what
to do.  I was putting out resumes all over the place.  I was dressing up and
going to interviews but nothing was happening.  The economy was slowing down.  Linda
wasn’t having any closings.  It was bad.”

“A few weeks after Larry moved out we decided
to sell the house.  I didn’t want to be in our house without him.  I called
Linda to list it and try to sell it.  If we could do that we could split the
equity.  After a couple of months I filed for divorce.  It was so hard.  I
didn’t sleep much for days before I filed and for days afterward.  After the
house was on the market over six months with few showings, he decided he wanted
the house.  I wanted to move in with my parents.  I had been staying with them
a lot anyway because I hurt so badly.  It was awful being in our house alone.  So
many things reminded me of us or him. 

He got a loan and paid me seventy five
percent of the equity.  My lawyer said I could get it all but I didn’t think
that was fair.  I wanted him to have something.” 

“I moved in with mom and dad.  It wasn’t the
way I wanted to live but I didn’t want to be by myself in an apartment right
then.  I intended to move out when I got over Larry but I needed a new job or
new career.  It was too much to deal with on my own.  There were so many people
and places I saw and places I went that reminded me of us together.  There was
no together any longer and all those things were a stab in the heart.”

“I had been hit in the face with two big
traumas during the same time period.  I was so grateful to be mom and dad’s
girl again though it will never be the same as when I was a kid.  I wouldn’t
want it to be.  They tried to take care of me and set me up with dates and
things but it was too soon.  I still hurt too much.”

            “Dad’s
oldest brother Eddie had driven a truck at one time.  Dad got him to come over
and tell me about it to see if that might be something I was interested in.  I
liked the part about getting out of town.  I wanted a change of scenery for
sure.  He said he got lonely on the road some but it was fun in many ways.  He
went through a divorce while he was driving.  Eddie said it was a rough career
for a marriage.  But when he told me he made good money I decided to try it. 
Mostly because there was nothing else paying anything and I wanted to get out
of town.  I hadn’t heard anything from all my resumes’ and interviews even
after several months.”

            “Eddie
and dad helped me find a good used truck that was about four years old.  It was
really expensive but I was able to pay cash for it.  I had to borrow to buy a
trailer but dad loaned me that money and I paid him back in about four months. 
I went to truck driving school and got a job before I graduated.  I drove for LandTeam
for two years.  I had just gone independent when I ran into you.”

            She
stopped and just looked at me like that is all there is.

            “How
are your parents doing?”

            “My
parents are fine.  Dad can’t hear well so when I call I talk to mom.  They are
doing well and don’t expect to hear from me that often.  I call them about
every two weeks.  I probably stay with them about once every three months when
I can get a load close by.”

            “They
are catholic and are very involved at church.  Dad works with the soup kitchen
and does other stuff.  He and mom volunteer at Habitat for Humanity.  They
probably go to Mass three or four times a week.  So they aren’t the most devout
there is but they are more so than most and are good people.  They love the
Lord.  They read the Bible and pray together nearly every day.  I am thankful
for them and proud of them.  I always know I am loved.  They are such a good
example of two people in love and making marriage work.  I was a little ashamed
for them to see my marriage coming apart while they had done so well.  They
continued to love me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t feel bad
about it.”

            We
both sat quietly for several minutes.  She had been so hurt by Larry’s betrayal
that she hadn’t really gotten over it until about a year ago.  She hadn’t told
me at the time because we weren’t getting that personal then.  Even now I could
see the sadness in her eyes and hear the emotion in her voice. She showed me
that it still hurt her some.

            “I
would never cheat on you.  I’m a one woman man.”

            She
smiled but didn’t answer my statement.  “I learned a lot from Larry. Not all of
it is good.  I learned that I can’t be pretty enough or good enough or available
enough for some men.  Men like him will never be satisfied with one woman and he
will really never be satisfied.  They don’t or can’t be really close and
vulnerable and all in.  Finding a good man who will keep his word is hard. 
Most younger women don’t have a clue what I’m talking about in those rare times
I feel like talking to them about men.”

            She
paused again.  “This is hard for me to talk to you about even now.  I love you
and having you in my life is helping me.”  Then she went on.

            “For
most young women appearance, money and fun are all that matter.  They don’t
know what to look for in a man.  If they can find a hunk with money they will
make the fun and they think they can make it all last.  They think that once
they are living together or married, they have the good times locked up.  They
don’t realize the good times are totally dependent on the kind of man he is and
the kind of person she is.  It comes down to character.  They have to be the
right kind of woman but it seems the men are the most lacking.  Most women have
no idea what is going on when their relationship starts coming apart.  I didn’t
but now I would.”

            “Most
men won’t go all in even when they marry.  They hold a little or a lot back
from the relationship.  Sometimes it shows in the way they are workaholics or
they hang out with their guys friends so much.  Sometimes it shows up in the
handling of money or keeping secrets from each other. 

There is no exact hard rule but there are
caution signs that tell a person they need to investigate more.  Maybe it is
because the men are afraid she will hurt him or something but few men put
everything they are and everything they have into the relationship.  And that
is why they don’t have a great marriage.  Both partners have to do that and
when they don’t, it may be good but it isn’t great.”

            “I’m
not sure I would know what was going on if I saw my marriage coming apart.” I
said.  “It wasn’t an issue with Rebecca and me.  We were both all in.”  I
paused. “I dated several women before I found Rebecca that I wouldn’t have
trusted to stay with me in hard times.  We had fun but I knew it wasn’t going
anywhere.  I was sure they would bail on me if times got hard.  Sometimes I
would look at a girl I was dating and would try to imagine her with a baby. 
Sometimes I knew it wouldn’t be pretty.  They couldn’t do it.”  I paused.

“Sometimes you can tell a little from a
person’s parents.  If they are divorced then their kids are more likely to
divorce.  How close they are to their parents may tell you whether they have
adopted their parents’ values.  But Rebecca was close to her parents and wanted
to have a marriage like theirs.  I knew from that she would fight hard to make
our marriage work.  And we did. 

She and I were best friends and I really
loved her.  We didn’t have any really bad times with our relationship and were
talking about having a baby but never had time.  Some divorce lawyer said in a
movie that if people fought as hard to stay together as they did to get apart
more marriages would last.  He or someone said that you can tell when a
marriage is over because one or both of the partners isn’t willing to put much
effort into the marriage.”

“You said you loved me when we were in the
hot tub.” Deb said. “Did you mean it or were you just saying that because I
said it first?”