Vampire Taxonomy (9 page)

The original sinner, this vampire is usually hundreds of years old, if not more. They have little tolerance or need for humankind, and act that way. They are cold, cruel, and unpredictable. This is not a kind to be trifled with and is best left in the hands of the professionals. Often this vampire “has a plan” for the human race, a plan that ends in our complete annihilation or total enslavement.

This fierce class of vampires makes no excuses for their behavior. They think little of societal qualms or what is fair. They can be set off into a blood-filled rage at a moment’s notice; often they’re looking for an excuse to go off on a poor mortal.

The gorgeous creatures with the big secret. They use their looks to lure in unsuspecting prey and think little about simple human emotions like love. If you’re particularly unlucky they’ll keep you as their lapdog for months, slowly sucking you dry until you’re begging for sweet death.

A class act, these vampires know how to entertain with the best of society. They will make sure you’re at your utmost ease before striking for the jugular.

The classic jerk vampire. Too high up to be considered just a lackey but not important enough to have any real power. These sad sacks are always trying to climb the next rung, which actually may give you some wiggle room for deal making. But their inept brains or snippy attitudes usually get in the way.

The existence of the tortured-soul vampire among the undead folk is a well-documented phenomenon. Humans adore the tale of the creature who has it all but is haunted by his unholy existence. Lucky for us, droves of vampires are afflicted by such a strong self-loathing psychosis and loneliness that they make up a whole classification of their own, so the tortured soul stories should never stop generating great literature and films.

These are the Tragic Vampires—those who walk alone in their own self-made darkness. This class of vampire doesn’t necessarily take delight in death and continually struggles with their addiction to human blood, fighting their natural instinct to kill, and struggling to restrain their hair-trigger bloodlust. Some win, some lose, but their obsession with this internal plight against their natural urges is never far from their thoughts, giving many the exceedingly melodramatic and slightly reticent attitude that marks this class.

Although these creatures bring forth some of our most sympathetic feelings for vampires, such feelings should in no way, shape, or form encourage you to lower your guard. There is a reason why Tragic Vampires feel and act so miserable: They’ve killed or want to kill at any given moment, and they’re hungry, terribly hungry. The thirst haunts them all the time, though they try to survive on scraps of what their addiction requires to be satisfied. So don’t get caught up in the whole “they’re just not that into killing you” dogma. They do, they will, and you’ll be the one stuck paying off the emergency room bills if you don’t keep your wits about you.

It’s important to study this somber vampire who walks the fine line between Villain and Romantic, as too many mortals have fallen under the fang trying to save a vampire who still isn’t comfortable dealing with his own bloodlust.

When you are seemingly carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, accessorizing an ensemble seems a bit frivolous. This is why most of these figures stick to the rugged and easy-to-repeat look. Think a James-Dean-in-jeans-and-jacket, sexy-but-unassuming kind of look, with a few nice suits buried somewhere in the back of their closet for storage (unless they’re living a metropolitan life that dictates the need to dress up daily, they will resort to a bare-basics look over and over again).
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Some attention is spent on personal hygiene; after all, they’re somber immortals, not savages. But overall
Hemophage tragicus
favors a streamlined, low-maintenance approach. Many Tragic Vampires live their life on the road with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, so lugging around any extra weight is frowned upon.

Also, when dealing with a serious addiction, you don’t want to be attracting too much attention from humankind. Flashy getups and trinkets will inevitably draw in a flock of human admirers, and there’s nothing more tempting than a group of eager-to-please mortals and their many-veined helping hands. Flying under the radar is key. A vamp will want to look good enough to get by, without arousing too much suspicion or even the smallest bit of curiosity.

Besides the eternal sourpuss expression plastered across this vampire’s face, another way to identify these particular creatures is by their sallow skin. Although many vampires have a practically glowing epidermis, a malnourished nosferatu can often look like a bruised, yellow, and generally unhealthy being. This is due to a diet of animals or general starvation.

It’s easy to compare the Tragic Vampire to a recovering addict because they are essentially one and the same, and they look it. Without the proper nutrients derived from human blood, a vampire will begin to look sickly and ill. Take note of these signs, and don’t be so cavalier with exposed flesh around those who look exceptionally starved.
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The undead eyes are another way to distinguish a Tragic Vampire from the rest. Besides the soulful look of inner turmoil and constant self-disappointment that haunts the brooding eyes of a Tragic Vampire, there are also physical telltale signs of
Hemophage tragicus
. For instance, when these vampires are malnourished, their eyes respond. They’ve been known to become darker, totally black, and bruised around the edges, like those of someone who hasn’t slept in days. Or the whites of the eyes may turn yellow completely.
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If you witness this ocular transition with a Tragic Vampire, think of it as a warning sign. Get out and don’t come back until he’s fed properly. Remind him that when he lets his melancholy affect his eating habits, he puts you and others at risk.

Tragic Vampires can live just about anywhere. They’re not particularly picky beings and can make do with whatever their surroundings offer up. You won’t see a Tragic Vampire lounging in lavish digs; it’s not conducive to brooding. In fact, many members of this class of vampire seem to prefer to wander. Some will stay in a town for a year or two, but the longer a vampire stays in one place, the harder it is to deal with the daily temptations, especially when they become his friends.

Because of this nomadic tendency, it’s difficult to specify a habitat for this classification of vampire; you can find them living in their cars, in a condo, in an RV, or even sleeping in the ground. Should they choose to set up a permanent location, more likely than not their home will be sparsely decorated with a subtly placed painting or photo of their long-dead wife or family member (most likely murdered by their own hands in a blood craze). Decorating the walls with the innocent faces that one has mas sacred does wonders for the appetite, and also contributes to the eternal self-loathing emotional cycle.

That being said, should you venture out into the world with a Tragic Vampire, be mindful of inappropriate meeting places that may set him on edge. Again, we don’t support cavorting with this particular species, but we’re aware that sometimes it’s unavoidable; San Franciscan reporters do have their deadlines—just ask Anne Rice’s Daniel Molloy.