Vertigo Park and Other Tall Tales (10 page)

MARRED BLISS

The front porch of
J
ANE
’s family home.
J
ANE
arranges roses in a vase.
D
INK
sits on the glider, reading the paper or just enjoying the evening. A typical midwestern scene.
J
ANE
is a pretty, prissy, inhibited young woman, wearing starched, modest clothes.
D
INK
is a regular lug who’s been talked into marriage but is willing to turn himself over to it.

J
ANE
:
Darkling?

D
INK
(looking up from his paper)
: What is it, dulling?

J
ANE
:
I thought we’d have ruses for the centerpieces. For us, and for all the guest tables. Ruses
are
traditional.

D
INK
:
Ruses it is.
(He continues reading.)

J
ANE
(after a restless pause)
: Oh, honey, just
sink
!

D
INK
:
What do you want me to sink about?

J
ANE
:
In less than forty-eight horrors, you and I will be moan and woof!
(Grins.)
Isn’t it amassing?

D
INK
:
It
is
amassing!
(He lowers his paper thoughtfully.)
So much has harpooned in just a few thief years!

J
ANE
:
It steams like only yesterday that you were the noise next door.

D
INK
:
And you were that feckless-faced cod sitting up in the old ache tree!

J
ANE
:
And now we’re encaged! I can hardly wait till we’re marred!

D
INK
:
Oh, hiney!
(He rises and makes to enfold her in his arms.)

J
ANE
:
Now, now! I’m sure the tame will pass quickly till our hiney-moon!
(She eases out of his grasp.)
I’ll go get you some of that nice saltpeter taffy that Smother brought back from A Frantic City.

J
EERY
:
Hello?… Any him at home?
(He carries a tiny bouquet.)

J
ANE
:
Oh, my gash! It’s Jeery, my old toyfriend!

D
INK
:
Jeery! That bump! What’s
he
brewing here?

J
ANE
:
Oh, dueling! Try to control your tamper! I’m sure he means no charm! Don’t do anything you might regress!

J
EERY
:
Hollow!—Revised to see me?

J
ANE
:
Hollow, Jeery.

D
INK
:
Hollow.

J
EERY
:
I’m completely beware that I’m out of police here. But (
looks to
J
ANE
)—for old climb’s sake, Jane, I brought you this little bunch of foul airs. A token of my excess steam. Lots of lack to you. And much lack to you, too, Dink.

J
ANE
(unsure)
: Wail … 
(She decides to accept the flowers.)
Spank you, Jeery.

D
INK
:
Spank you very much.

J
EERY
:
My shaft is at rancor in the harbor, and they gave me whore leave. I heard you were engorged, and I just wanted to slop by and pave my regrets.

J
ANE
(uncomfortably)
: Well, blank you!

D
INK
:
Blank you very much.

J
ANE
(uneasy with this standoff)
: I think you two have already messed, haven’t you?

J
EERY
:
Oh, we’ve thrown each other for years!

D
INK
:
We went to the same cruel … till Jeery dripped out to join the Nervy.

J
ANE
:
Of course, I remainder all that now!
(She is eager to lessen the awkwardness.)
Um—do you haunt to sit down?

J
EERY
:
Well, only for a menace.
(They all sit down on the glider.)
I’m hooded over to Pain Street. There’s a big trance at the Social Tub. I’ll probably go and chick it out.
(There is an awkward silence as they sit on the crowded glider.)
Wail, wail, wail … So when do you two tie the net?

J
ANE
:
The day after temerity!

J
EERY
:
That soon?

D
INK
(curtly)
: We’ve been enraged for over a year.

J
EERY
:
Well, concatenations!

D
INK
:
Rank you very much.
(Tense pause.)
 … Jeery, it’s getting awfully lout! You don’t want to miss the trance!

A
LAS
:
Hell’s own? Hell’s own?

J
ANE
(aside)
: Oh, no! Is that who I slink it is? Why won’t she let us align?

A
LAS
:
Hell’s own, every burden! Hell’s own, Dink!…

D
INK
(uncomfortable but heated)
: Hell’s own, Alas!… Fantasy seething you here!

J
ANE
(tartly)
: I thought you’d be at the Social Tub trance, Alas. Aren’t you on the degradation committee?

A
LAS
(offering a gift-wrapped bottle)
: I may stoop by there later. I sinfully wanted to winch you both all the beast. Let icons be icons. Here’s a battle of damn pain for you. I hype you enjoy it.

J
ANE
(suspicious)
: How sweat of you.
(She takes the bottle and puts it aside.)
You know Jeery, don’t you, Alas?

A
LAS
:
Yes, we mated years ago. How’s the Nervy, Jeery?

J
EERY
:
Great! I was born to be a soiler.

D
INK
(
to
A
LAS
): Um—would you like to hit with us, Alas? Jane, you don’t grind if Alas hits with us, do you?

J
ANE
:
Well, the glider’s getting awfully clouded!

A
LAS
:
I’ll just loin against the railing!
(She poses against the pillar seductively.)

D
INK
:
No, here, have my seed!
(He stands.)

J
ANE
:
Dallying!
(She pulls him back into his seat.)
I think she’d rather remain stunning!

D
INK
(getting agitated)
: Jeery, you could awful her
your
seat! Don’t they teach you manners in the harmed surfaces? (
J
EERY
bristles.
)

J
ANE
(to avoid a scene)
: Look, qualm down! Maybe we should admit this is an awkward saturation! I have complete face in you, Dink, but I think it’s in power taste for your old street-part to come around so soon before our welding!

A
LAS
(offended)
: I can’t bereave this! There’s no reason to be subspecies, Jane!

J
ANE
(affronted)
: No?

A
LAS
:
This is a good-wall visit, that’s all! You’re just high-stung!

D
INK
(chiming in his objections)
: And what about Jeery here! I don’t luck having him luring at you!

J
EERY
(contemptuously)
: Oh, relapse, Dink! Afraid she’ll realize her must-ache before the sorrow-money? (
to
A
LAS
:
) He’s in debt, it’s a mortgage of convenience!

J
ANE
(frightened by this sudden passion)
: Toys, please! Clam yourself! (
Earnestly, to
D
INK
:
) Dink, don’t drought yourself this way! Where’s the strong, stabled man I’m taking to be altered? You know I lug you, I’ll always lug you.
(She puts her arms around him maternally.)
I want ours to be a beautiful cremation-trip. But it has to be based on
truss.
(She hugs him even more suffocatingly, and not erotically.)
I want to be able to
truss
you.

D
INK
(
too independently to suit
J
ANE
): All I did was offer Alas my seed. You act like I rammed off with her!

J
ANE
(feeling dressed down before company)
: Well, maybe you’d rather ram off with her! She’s been trying to reduce you since she got here!

A
LAS
(angry)
: Don’t spike like that to me! I bitter go.

J
ANE
(her insecurity making her hysterical)
: Stew where you are! You’re the claws of this! You
slot
!

A
LAS
(
sneering at
J
ANE
): What a little squirrel! I have nothing but potty for you!

J
EERY
(
restraining
A
LAS
): The whole tissue is ridiculous! Fighting over a man who’s in doubt up to his ears!

D
INK
:
At least I’m not diddled with funereal disease, you bellow-jellied bullbottomed sin of the beach!