Wait for the Rain (12 page)

“But you and Max had each other to turn to during that phase,” Daphne said, finally lifting her head. Then she looked at Skylar, her eyes watery. “And your sisters have their husbands. I hav
e . . .
just myself.” She began to cry again, her shoulders slumping.

“Hey now, you have us,” Skylar said. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Daphne wiped more tears from her cheeks. “I just feel so guilt
y . . .
and sa
d . . .
that I couldn’t give her the family that I wanted for her.”
That I wanted for myself.

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Skylar said. “Lots of kids have divorced parents.”

“I can’t help it. I’m trying to keep it together in front of her, but I’m terrified she’s going to see that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore, and that it’s going to mess her up somehow.”

“My sisters all tell me that kids come with their bags packed anyway,” Skylar said. “You can do your best, but at the end of the day they are who they are.”

“I agree,” KC said. “Divorce doesn’t mess children up. Living with unhappily married parents does.”

“Besides, married or divorced, no family is perfect,” Skylar said.

More tears streamed down Daphne’s cheeks. “I’m so embarrassed,” she sniffled.

KC gave her a strange look. “Embarrassed? Why in the world would you be embarrassed?”

“Because it’s been more than two years, and I can’t get over it.”

“Over Brian? Or over the end of the marriage?” Skylar asked.

Daphne sighed and stared out at the ocean. “I’m not sure anymore.”

“There’s a big difference there,” Skylar said.

“Do you still love him?” KC asked.

Daphne took a deep breath. “I thin
k . . .
I think part of me will always love him; I mean he’s the father of my chil
d . . .
but no, I’m not
in love
with him anymore.” The truth was, she hadn’t been in love with him for a long time, and he certainly hadn’t been in love with her. Was that what hurt so much? That they’d both wasted so many years on a marriage that wasn’t working? Going through the motions just to keep up outward appearances?

“Then that’s a
good
thing,” KC said. “It’s okay to mourn the demise of the relationship. You were together for a long time.”

“I think it’s more than that,” Daphne whispered.

Skylar and KC exchanged a glance, then remained silent, giving Daphne time to elaborate.

Finally, Daphne spoke the truth. The complete truth. She told them the entire story, unvarnished.

When she was done, she stared at the sand. “I thin
k . . .
I think I feel like a failure for entering into a marriage that was probably doomed from the start,” she said quietly.

“Don’t say that,” Skylar said. “You and he were madly in love. How were you supposed to know it wouldn’t work out?”

Daphne pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. “I just wis
h . . .
I just wish I could go back and tell myself to wait until I knew him better, to focus on
myself
before molding my entire life around someone else’s. All those places I was going to go, all those stories I was going to writ
e . . .
I never did any of it.”
I was going to win a Pulitzer.

“I’m sorry for bringing the diary,” Skylar said. “That was a boneheaded move. I didn’t think it through.”

“It’s okay,” Daphne said. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

Skylar and KC kept watching her, KC still lightly stroking her hair. A few moments passed before Daphne spoke again. “I was too young to get married,” she whispered. “I gave up too much.”

“I know you were young, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do,” KC said. “You can’t beat yourself up about it.”

Daphne sighed. “I was so naïve.”

“Naïve how?” Skylar asked.

“It never occurred to me that the intense feelings Brian and I had for each other would go awa
y . . .
that one day they would just b
e . . .
gone.”

“No one can ever know that,” KC said.

“But
I
would have known that if I’d known him better,” Daphne said. “I rushed into it, and then once we were married and I had Emma, I lost who
I
was.” Tears started sliding down her cheeks again. “I was so stupid to let it happen.”

Skylar narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean? Let what happen?”

Daphne didn’t reply.

Skylar’s eyes became dark. “He didn’
t . . .
hurt
you, did he? I swear to God, if he ever touched you—”

Daphne quickly shook her head. “No, never. It was just that when we met, I was on my way to
becoming
someone, you know? I had a real future, and then—poof—it was gone
.” I was gone.

“That’s not true, Daphne. You have a wonderful daughter you adore. That’s
huge
,” KC said. “You have to be proud of that.”

Daphne wiped a tear from her cheek. “I know, and I am, but we all know I used to want to be something
in addition to
a mom. Brian was never going to be on board with that, but I was too blind to see it.”

Skylar nodded slowly. “Ah, now I get it.”

“He’s old-fashioned?” KC said.

Daphne laughed weakly, her eyes still wet. “He never even changed a diaper. Can you believe I married a man like that?”

“I think a lot of women marry men like that,” Skylar said. “They don’t discuss the division of labor before kids enter the picture, but when they realize they aren’t on the same page as their husbands, it’s too late and they’re stuck doing all the work.”

Daphne nodded slowly. “That’s exactly what happened to me.”
I can’t believe I let it happen to me. I thought I was smarter than that.

“Did you ever, you know, ask him to help?” KC asked.

Daphne squeaked out a laugh. “If it were only that easy.”

“I’m sorry, that was a dumb question,” KC said.

Daphne smiled and put a hand on KC’s arm. “That’s okay. It’s just, or I should say it
was
just, hard. I was so young, and I didn’t know what I was doing, and I think I just gave up battling him because it didn’t seem worth wrecking my marriage for. I decided it was better t
o . . .
keep the peace.”
I always kept the peace.

“Do you think it would have wrecked your marriage if you had spoken up?” Skylar asked.

Daphne frowned. “I don’t know, but at the time I thought it would. So I gave up on the career thing and put all my energy into being a good mother, but when I look back now, I realize that while I love my daughter, that decision probably contributed to the deterioration of my marriage because I stopped being
myself
, stopped being the Daphne Brian fell in love with, and the Daphne who fell in love with Brian.”
I miss that person
.

“You’re still Daphne to me,” KC said. “It’s been wonderful hanging out with you again.”

Daphne closed her eyes. “You’re just being nice. You know I’m not the same. I’m a fragment of who I used to be.”

“None of us are the same as we were in college,” Skylar said. “We’re adults now, Daphne. We’ve all changed.”

“But at the core, where it really matters, you two seem the same to me,” Daphne said. “I don’t think you could say that about me.”

KC shook her head. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

“I think what you’re feeling is totally normal,” Skylar said. “Not that I have any experience with divorce, but I have several friends who do, and you’d be surprised at how often the word
failure
creeps into the conversation. Failure for having chosen the wrong person. Failure for not trying hard enough to make it work. Failure for not living up to society’s expectations.”

Daphne sighed. “I don’t know anyone in Columbus who’s divorced. I feel like a pariah at Emma’s school sometimes. Some of the other mothers, the way they look at m
e . . .
” Her voice trailed off. “It’s like they think there’s something wrong with me.”

“They’re probably just resentful because they’re not happy in their own marriages,” Skylar said.

Daphne frowned at the thought. “You think so?”

Skylar shrugged. “You never know, but I wouldn’t be surprised. No one knows what’s going on behind closed doors in a relationship, so who is anyone to judge when two people decide to pull the rip cord?”

“Amen,” KC said. “I don’t like people who judge. Except real judges, of course. They’re cool.”

“What about your friends out there?” Skylar asked. “They support you, right?”

Daphne felt her cheeks flush, then picked up a handful of sand. “I don’t really have any close friends, just people I know from Emma’s school and around the neighborhood. There’s Carol, a nice older lady who lives across the street, but she’s the only one.” She’d never officially admitted that before, but there was no use hiding it now. There was no use hiding any of it now.

Skylar and KC exchanged a look but didn’t say anything. They understood.

Daphne watched the sand slide through her fingers. “Everyone thinks he left me, and I guess technically he did, but I knew a long time ago that it wasn’t working anymore, maybe even before he did.”

“How long?” Skylar asked.

“Years,” Daphne whispered.

“Oh hon,” Skylar said.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” KC said.

Daphne sighed. “I knew it wasn’t working, but I was
committed
, you know? And we had Emma, and all her activities, and there was so much to do to keep the household running that I wouldn’t let myself face i
t . . .
I couldn’t bring myself to face it. It was almost like I was subconsciously waiting for Brian to be the one to wave the white flag and say he wanted out, and one day he finally did.”

KC and Skylar remained silent.

Daphne took a deep breath. “I know it’s for the best that we’re not together anymore, I really do. But I’m stil
l . . .
and I know this probably sounds crazy given everything I just told yo
u . . .
but I’m still hurt tha
t . . .
that I was so easily replaceable,” she whispered the last words.

“Oh sweets,” Skylar said. “Don’t feel that way.”

“I can’t help it. It’s bad enough that everyone thinks he left me. Now he’s found someone else first, and I feel like a cliché because I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom. I was an honor student at Northwestern, and now I’m working part-time in a flower store.”

“I love flowers,” KC said.

Daphne gave her a weary yet grateful smile. “I love
you
,” she said.

Skylar held up a finger. “First of all, it doesn’t matter
who
pulled the trigger. If it wasn’t working, it wasn’t working, and prolonging the inevitable would have only hurt you both more.”

“Exactly. Who cares who blinked first?” KC said. “Who would even know something like that?”

Skylar held up another finger. “And
second
of all, who cares if he found someone else first? That has nothing to do with you. It’s not like he left you
for
this Alyssa woman.” She hesitated. “He didn’t leave you
for
her, right?”

Daphne shook her head. “No, he didn’t meet her until after we split up. I’m sure of that, but it’s still hard to watch. I just wish I’d found the strength to leave, to rebuild my life instead of behaving like a passive bystander in it. If I’d done that, I don’t think I would care so much about where Brian’s going because I’d be focused on where
I’m
going. Instead, I feel stuck.”

“I’m sorry if the moms are being catty about it,” KC said. “I’ve seen that side of parenting, and I’m not a fan.”

Daphne groaned. “Tell me about it. The gossip in our town is terrible. It’s like high school, only meaner, because people aren’t talking about your prom date, they’re talking about your
marriage
.”

KC nodded. “I witnessed my share of the chatter when I entered the picture at Josh and Jared’s school. Divorces, affairs—everyone knows everyone else’s business. Suburban gossip can be fierce.”

Skylar made a face. “Remind me never to move to the ’burbs. Don’t any of these women have jobs?”

“I’m sure some of them do, but they’re not the ones I interact with,” Daphne said.

Skylar pointed at her. “Now you know who your new friends need to be. Women who have too much going on to be digging through other people’s laundry baskets.”

Daphne laughed weakly. “Trust me, I’ve been thinking that for a long time.”

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this before?” KC asked. “If I were this upset, I probably would have brought it up while we were still at the airport.”

Daphne smiled and wiped a tiny tear from her cheek. “That’s because you’re you. The truth is, I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want you two to see me this way.”

“What way?” Skylar asked.

Daphne laughed and gestured to herself. “
This
way. Hysterical, insecure, racked with self-doubt, an emotional train wreck.”

“But we’re your
friends
, Daphne,” KC said. “You shouldn’t have to pretend around us. We take you as is, remember? The Three Musketeers, together forever?”

Skylar nodded. “She’s right, you know. We love you no matter what.”

“I guess I just didn’t want you two to see how differently my life has turned out than wha
t . . .
than what I expected it would be,” Daphne said.

Skylar shook her head. “We care about
you
, not your résumé.” She looked at KC. “Is your life résumé the way you expected it to be at this age?”

KC shook her head. “Not even close. As we just saw in Daisy the diary, my plan was to be a lifer in the Peace Corps, remember? Look at me now. I drive a
Mercedes
, for crying out loud. And while I do love being married to Max, dealing with his drug-addicted brother is another story. I can’t say
hosting an intervention
was on my bucket list, but—boom—there it is.”