Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1) (34 page)

We went over to my house for dinner, and after we ate, Loki and I laid down outside on the front walk. We stared into the splattered stars across the deep blue heavens while the Cheshire Cat moon grinned down at us. Loki complained that the ground hurt her neck, so I offered to let her rest her head on my shoulder, and absently stroked her soft hair with one hand.

We didn’t talk, but just touching her made me content and prompted foolish thoughts as I grew drunk with her presence.

“Loki?”

“Hmm?” She turned her face and looked at me.

“Would you mind telling me about your last boyfriend? … Um, you don’t have to if you don’t want to…” I mumbled, as the urge to confess gnawed at me again. My arm was tired, so I relaxed and laid it down on her stomach.

Her smile melted away and she sighed.

“Like I said, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to—” I blurted.

“No, no… it’s fine…” She sighed again and set her hand on top of mine. “Back when I was a freshman, Fen and I took Drama together, and there was this guy there I liked. We went out for a couple months, but he started going through some really heavy shit at home. I resented feeling like his life raft, and he started to lose control of himself, and he uh… he hurt me one day—on accident—but still. That’s part of why my dad’s so overprotective. So, I dumped him and he uh…” she swallowed hard as her glistening eyes roved around the twilight sky, “He uh… he killed himself…”

Corwin?

A trap door fell out from under me. I felt lightheaded. When she asked if I was okay, it sounded so far away.

“Yeah, that’s just… holy shit Loki…” She and Corwin had gone out? That was the rough breakup that Fen had jumped?
Corwin blamed Fen for his death though, not Loki, so what did Fen do that pushed him over the edge? “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid…” she muttered and fidgeted with her fingers, “It’s hard for me not to feel stained by it, and I was afraid you wouldn’t like me anymore if you knew.” She slipped her fingers between mine and squeezed my hand while my pulse rocketed despite the sick flutter in my gut.

Don’t read too much into it, or you’ll ruin everything…

“You’re a strange one.” I muttered and shook my head.

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have me any other way!” She laughed and batted her lashes, but I felt her uncertainty.

God help me, even knowing the truth now, all I could think about was kissing her. Silence fell, not a single car or dog broke the stillness.

I love you…

The stars whirled overhead, and she looked at her watch and then yawned and stood up. My hand felt cold where her warmth had just been. “C’mon, I need to get home before my parent’s curfew.”

I drove her home while I suffered over my indecision, certain I was about to waste the perfect opportunity. She hugged me goodbye and started to climb out of the car.
Shit
...

“Hey Loki?”

“Yeah?” She looked back at me. I knew I was blushing, but my brain felt starved for blood regardless. I just hoped she couldn’t see it in the darkness.

“Um, I uh…”

Damnit…

“You ‘uh’ what?”

Dammit…

“I, uh, just wanted to tell you… I…” Terror closed my throat, I felt like I was going to faint.

“Tell me what?” She asked and tilted her head.

Dammit…

“I, uh…”

Dammit…

“I, uh, hope you have a good day tomorrow.” I wanted to bash my skull into the steering wheel, but she smiled.

“I’ll try, you too. Drive home safe, okay?”

“Okay, goodnight…”

“’Night Jimmy”

She closed the door, and when I knew she couldn’t hear me, I finally said the words that’d failed me. “I love you so damn much, you don’t even know.”

Despite the fear of losing her to some other suitor, I just couldn’t tell her what I felt for her. Though, she
did
present me with a tempting opportunity at prom. The hopeless romantic in me liked that idea a lot, especially since it bou
ght the coward in me more time.

Time moved in a surreal rush. There wasn’t enough time in the world to get ready for prom; which rushed at me like an angry line
backer. On the other hand, there were times when time couldn’t move fast enough. Fen’s killer was out there somewhere, and there
were way too many lose ends.

I felt unnaturally exhausted by the end of the school the next day. I lucked out in World History, we just watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but American Government was a
totally
different story. Bo offered to help me study, in return for pumping my brain about werewolves and shifters. That was fine; I’d planned on it anyway.

After the final bell I slipped into the auditorium and disappeared into the shadows. After Mrs. Cartwright turned out the lights and walked out, my eyes shifted and I walked down the grayed out aisles.

I needed answers, and the veil couldn’t keep me from them anymore. I laid down on the stage and took a deep breath, and then closed my eyes and focused on the rhythm of my heart. Wolf stirred and we slipped deeper between worlds. The hum of the air vents dulled as everything shifted around me.

I opened my eyes and the room looked almost identical, but I felt the emotional imprint of the place. My empathy tuned in
to the flowing stew of joy, sorrow, betrayal, and—
there!

A lingering cold trace of despair wound toward the back of the
stage and I slowly angled my head and looked back toward the cluttered piles of debris, stacked out of eyeshot on the stage. C
orwin’s faint silhouette lacked the auric glow that surrounded Loki, the fire of life. I said his name, and he looked at me.

“Jimmy, what are you…” He cocked his head to the side, “H-how’d you cross over?”

“It’s a long story. Suffice to say I’ve learned a new trick, but if I move too much I’ll screw it up.”

He laughed and walked over, “Well whatever works.” He sat down next to me; “Not that I m-mind the visit, but… why are you here?”

“You promised to tell me everything, and this time we won’t be interrupted. I need your help. I need you to tell me what happened with the Pack, before I got here.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his black hair, “You’re a tena
cious bastard, you know that?”

I smiled, “Let’s start with what happened to you?”

Corwin sighed, and his eyes twitched around the room as he thought. “After my mom and dad divorced, I met Fen and Loki in drama club. The hazing was bad, but it was nothing compared to the other kids, and
they
didn’t stop. Fen and Loki were the only ones who were nice to me
.

“Fen thought I was the one ‘marked by Brother Raven’ in Lupa’s prophesy
,” Corwin grabbed a handful of his hair, “He told me and Lok
i about shifters, and
gawd
did I want to be a part of that! My mom was so focused on her own shit she d-didn’t even notice me anymore; to her, I was just a weapon to use against my dad. So I virtually begged Fen to change me, I lied about dreaming I was a wolf, and eventually… he gave me what I wanted.” Corwin sighed and shook his head. “When Fen bit Loki and I, we started this Pack.”

“But it was all w-wrong… When I had my first dream shift, I… I was horrified! I was some stupid black bird! I was supposed to be a
wolf ‘marked’ by Raven, not a f-freakin’ raven lock shock and barrel! So, I lied to them about it. Loki and I started dating, and Fen became distant. At the time, I thought it was my fault. Like he somehow knew the truth.

“I felt so ashamed, and I tried to become the wolf Fen I thought I should have been. I pushed so hard to be something I wasn’t until—something broke inside me. I thought I was losing my mind; I started shifting at the worst possible times, started having blackouts…”

“Cursed,” I whispered.

“
Yeah… Nobody but F-Fen or Loki wanted anything to do with me, nobody ever knew when I’d do something strange, something—inhuman— I felt this wall between me and everyone, growing higher and higher until not even Fen and Loki could stand it anymore
.

“I thought Fen was disappointed in me, but I guess he was disappointed in himself. Loki tried to stick with me, but… I had
a blackout one day, and when I came back to myself Loki was covered in c-cuts and bruises and she was crying.” He swallowed hard and grimaced, “She told me it was over, she just couldn’t take it anymore. Her dad just about killed me too. I ran over to Fen’s house to ask for his help.”

I winced, “Oh, that was a bad move…”

“Tell me about it, I didn’t realize Fen loved her. When I told him what I’d done, Fen punched me, dragged me outside, and threw me off of his porch. Before he slammed the door in my face, he said, “I w-wish I c-could unmake you.”

Corwin went quiet and covered his face with his hands. I couldn’t
make sense of my own anger, both at him for hurting Loki, and at Fen for hurting him. When he’d composed himself a little, he continued in a soft voice.

“I didn’t understand what had really happened. At the time I only heard what I wanted to hear. I
never thought he was furious at
himself
for not being able to help me. I felt lost, abandoned… And so goddamned
weary
of forcing myself to live. The depression suffocated me, blinded me, it choked the very idea of hope out of me…”

I know that feeling…

“Before she left him, Mom stole my dad’s revolver, so I stole it from her. I carried it in my backpack all day, waiting for someone—God, Fen, anybody—to save me from myself. I walked around waiting for divine intervention, and then I went to the last place I felt happy, felt like I was wanted, and I hid in the Auditorium. Since I didn’t want to save myself—
couldn’t think about anyone
but
myself—I put my father’s gun into my mouth and pulled the trigger…”
We
both shuddered as he remembered the sensation, and I felt the memory through him
.

“
No light opened for me. The anger still burned in me, the rage; I wanted them all to see what they’d made me do. It wasn’t until I watched them discover my body the next day that I realized what I’d done. My mother collapsed screaming when she identified my body. Loki wailed herself to sleep while her father spent every night awake on the couch wishing he could help her. And Fen… Fen almost followed me.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Fen put on a strong front for everyone, but when his mom worked late he would stare into his reflection in the bathroom and debate with himself which way he should cut his wrist, or his throat, or what kinds of pills his mom had and if it’d be enough to t-take him out.”

“Why did Fen want to kill himself?” I asked, and remembered the scar on his arm.

“Fen thought he’d stolen my life, and didn’t deserve his own anymore. When I tried to reach him in his sleep I scared him so bad that he almost did it, but as soon as the blade broke his skin he freaked. He realized just how close he came and panicked. He tried to find something to hold on to, an anchor to keep him here.”

“That was when he asked Loki out, wasn’t it?” I asked.

“Yeah, the v-very next day. She had no idea, of course, and shot
him down.” Corwin continued, “Fen never told Loki the truth; he just let her hate him. He thought he deserved to live in misery because of
what he did to me.

“I was terrified Fen would repeat my mistake, but a new kid transferred in, an outcast like I was. Since Loki refused to anchor him, Fen turned him.”

“Geri?”

“Yeah, the poor guy never had a chance; he walked into an emotional shitstorm. Fen took all his anger and hurt out on him. But it still wasn’t enough and time after time I watched Fen tear at his hair and scream in silence until I thought his heart would rupture. You asked me before if it was unfinished business. Well, there it is. I
have
to apologize to them. I have to let Fen know that I don’t blame him.”

“Then what are you going to do now?” I asked quietly.

“How do you mean?”

“With Fen—
gone
—are you still bound here? Or are you free to go?”

He sighed again, “I don’t know…” He hung his head, “Truthfully, I haven’t
tried
to leave yet. I won’t until I know you and Loki are safe.”

“Safe from what?
Do you know who killed Fen?”

“I’m sorry Jimmy, I don’t know who did it. When I help
ed you protect your brother, it exhausted me. I haven’t been able to leave this stage since then.”

“Wait, then that wasn’t you I heard at Fen’s funeral?”

Corwin shook his head. “No, I’ve been trapped in here since then. But, I’ve caught scattered thoughts through the veil. Whoever killed Fen is still out for blood, and more fixated on you than ever.”

“Wait—me?” I blurted.

“Yes, you. Your face was f-fixed in his mind.” My mind reeled; I couldn’t think of anyone who wanted to kill
me
either. Jack, maybe, but he’d been in prison when Fen was killed. “Whoever it was, they seemed familiar for some reason, but I haven’t felt anything for a while now, so I don’t know if they’ve given up, or just moved away.” Geri had moved away…

“I d-don’t know, it’s not like there’s anything I can do,” Corwin continued, “but I can’t just s-st-stand by. You’re a strange creature Jimmy Walker, at first I resented you for being what I should have been,
but now I want to protect you like you were my own brother.” He shook his head and laughed humorlessly.

“We were both born to the same Pack weren’t we? Just ‘cause you’re a bird—and dead—doesn’t mean you’re not my Pack-brother.”

Corwin’s smile was bittersweet. “I wish Fen had seen like that,” he stood and nodded at me, “you don’t have much time before the janitor makes his rounds. I’ll see you around Jimmy, be careful.”

“Thanks, see ya Corwin.” He dissolved from view as I stood, and I rubbed the sore muscles in my back. I wished I could do more to help him, and then I turned and walked away as I stitched the pieces together.

I’d hoped Corwin would have answers, not more questions.

Mom made me drive her to Colorado Springs
to buy me a new suit since none of my old dress clothes fit anymore. I almost had a conniption fit when I saw the total.

“You can use a good suit for more than just this one dance,” she said with steel in her voice. “Since you’re refusing to go to college yet, you can use this in your job interviews. We’re investing in you.”

My mother was the queen of subtle guilt-trips.

I shut my mouth. I was still upset but her point was valid, so I thanked her as we walked back to the car. All that remained of the day was a blue aura over the mountains, the stars already clear overhead.

Bo and I studied after school the next day, or rather, he pumped my brain about werewolves while I ganked his notes. My brain was not happy with me for switching back and forth so many times between American Government and Shifting 101.

“Hey, what’s this word?”

He leaned over to check where my finger pointed, “Corruption.”

“Your ‘R’s look mutated…”

“Just keep talkin’…”

I rolled my eyes. “Finally, there are the supposed physical shifts. Some exhibit almost superhuman, berserker-like strength and speed; and then there is also the supposed full physical shift where your flesh actually transforms into the body of a wolf.”

“But that’s just myth right? You don’t really believe that’s possible do you?”

“I don’t know,” I said, and frowned, “you decide what you believe. Any physical shifter who expected to survive wouldn’t advertise their ability, not even to others of their own kind. I wouldn’t even expect them to socialize with others if they held a secret like that.”

“Wow, so where do you fit into all that?”

“My Pack was—is—something of an oddity. Judging from what I’ve learned from books and the Internet; we sorta skirt the line of what’s ‘normal’ for other shifters. Most therianthropes don’t have as many psychic quirks as we do, and they don’t feather the lines between phenomena as much.