Weirder Than Weird (7 page)

IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER

     “Star Command, this is Starship X-1. Do you copy?”

     “Go ahead X-1.”

     “Star Command, I’ve been fighting this damn thing for the past hour and it looks like I’m going have to set
X-1 down on one of these small planets to get a look at her thrusters. She’s been responding like a drunken sailor and I don’t want to take any chances once I’m back out in deep space. Copy?”

      There was a long pause as static filled the transmission, then...

     “Ah… Starship X-1, you have permission to land, just send back you’re coordinates once you’re firmly on the ground.”

     “Ten four Command.”

     The pilot turned his attention to the observation window. He was entering a very unusual sector of space, one filled with the most bizarre and unexplainable sights imaginable. Fortunately, he spotted a small planetoid directly below that looked decent enough to risk a landing. “This will have to do.” he said to himself, and proceeded with the twisting of dials and the throwing of levers. Reverse thrusters shot out long jets of gas as the lumbering spacecraft started to make its descent. The controls felt extremely sluggish in his hands as though trying to steer an elephant through a tight maze but the spacecraft dutifully inched its way toward the planet’s surface, making what he would consider one of the all-time ugliest landings. The pilot immediately shut down the engine and a cruel shudder reverberated throughout the ship, finally settling into quietness. He took a deep draught of air into his lungs and sighed

with relief.

     “Star Command, Starship X-1 has landed successfully.”

    
“Roger, X-1.”

    
The pilot glanced down at one of the glowing green screens on his control panel. “I’m now punching in my coordinates. I’ll be suiting up and exiting the ship momentarily to survey any damage.”

“Copy that, X-1. Just keep us updated.”

Within a short time, the pilot was fully suited and stepped through the ship’s air lock. The outer door opened, accompanied by a swish of air and he cautiously stepped onto the planet’s surface. Once outside, he was temporarily blinded by an ultra-white brilliance being reflected back at him. He reached up and pulled down his visor.

    
“Star Command, I’ve just stepped outside the spacecraft.” He tapped his foot against the planet’s surface. “This planet appears to be completely frozen.” He bent to the ground and raked one of his heavy gloves across it’s hard milkyness.

    
“From the observation window on the ship, I could have swore that the planet was covered in snow but now that I have a closer look, it sort of reminds me of something akin to frozen custard.”

    
He stepped a few yards out from the spacecraft and slowly turned a full three hundred and sixty degrees to survey the rest of his surroundings.

    
“Command, this is very strange! It almost looks as though I’ve landed in a huge crater. There appears to be an enormous rim around the planet made up of some kind of dark material rising a hundred feet or so into the air and the frozen white surface seems to go on for miles. I can also see an enormous, brown slab of what I assume to be rock, not more than a quarter mile away.”

    
At that moment, Star command broke in. “Be advised X-1. You still have to rendezvous with the X-5 in a few hours at sector SG-4.”

    
“Roger, Star Command, I remember.”

    
The pilot walked over to the spacecraft and closely examined the ship. “Star command, it only looks like one of the Starboard thrusters slipped from its mooring. I should have it repaired in no time.”

    
The pilot then pulled from one of his pockets, a pouch of wrenches, and with a few twists he quickly corrected the malfunction. He turned his attention once again to the intriguing frozen planet. He removed from another pocket a small pointed hammer and a clear polyester bag used for transporting specimen samples.

    
“Star Command, while I’m here, I might as well get a few samples for study.”

    
“Good idea, X-1. Just be aware of your time. You have less than an hour before you must lift off again.”

    
“Ten-four, Star Command.  Not to worry, I’ve never been late for a rendezvous yet.”

    
He knelt down and chipped off a piece of the frozen white material and placed it in the bag. He then looked out toward the brown edifice that conspicuously loomed in the distance. “I’d surely like to know what the hell that is,” he said to himself. He glanced at the time signature inside his helmet then looked back again at the tantalizing brown structure. “Heck,” he mumbled under his breath, “I’ll be back in plenty of time.” He set off for the structure at a brisk pace.

    
Not more than five minutes into his walk, he noticed a wisp of what might have been smoke or steam lifting from the frozen surface at various intervals along his path, and for the first time, he could feel his boots sinking, ever so slightly, into the ground. Concern washed over him as he finally realized that the planet, for some reason, was rapidly heating. He took a few more steps and as he did, his boots found their way deeper and deeper into the melting tundra.

    
“Captain Cheever, is everything alright? We’ve been monitoring your vital signs and it’s registering a large spike in your heart rate. Is there a problem?”

    
The captain tried his best to remain calm.  “Everything is alright, Star Command. I’m headed back to the ship.”

    
He started running but the surface underneath him was softening at an alarming rate. Fissures of steam leapt up all around in great geysers and he could feel the heat under his feet increasing with every passing moment. He looked toward his spacecraft. Only a few hundred yards were between him and safety but to his horror he could see the X-1 starting to tilt to one side and within moments, the X-1 fell, full force, into the soft white mush with a heart wrenching plop!

    
“Oh my God!” the panic stricken pilot screamed out, but he was immediately confronted with another emergency- trying to keep his body above the surface of the deadly white planet!

    
His arms and legs flailed wildly as Star Command signaled once again. “Captain Cheever…. tell us what the devil is going on out there!”

    
Back at Command, they could hear the pilot’s heavy and congested breathing.  His vital signs were registering off the charts.

    
“All is lost!” came a choking voice over the intercom. “The ship… she’s gone!”

    
Not more than a second went by before they heard the Captain scream once again.

    
“Captain Cheever, try to calm yourself. We need to know exactly what’s going on.”

    
The captain struggled to compose himself and attempted to convey what he was witnessing to Star Command. “It… it’s a giant! A giant being… looking down at me from outside the planet! My God! It now appears to be picking up the entire planet! I feel the distinct sensation of being lifted up!”

     There suddenly, in the background, could be heard an enormous grinding sound. Star Command was about to ask the captain what it was when his terror filled voice filled the intercom once again.

    
“The planet… it’s tilting sideways. Its entire mass is sliding off… off into a…. Oh Lord, no, it can’t be…”    

    
“Captain, what is it?”

    
The words “black hole” were discerned before one last blood curdling scream ended the transmission for good.

    
“Starship X-1, do you read?”

    
“Starship X-1, this is Star Command, do you read?”

    
Only silence.

    
”Hang in there, Captain Cheever, we’re sending X-5 to your location just as fast as we can.”

*         *       *       *

     Arriving home, late from work, a man walks through the back door of his house that leads directly into the kitchen. He immediately notices smoke billowing from a pan on the stove. He rushes over and turns off the burner and tosses the pan onto the cold burner next to it. With a few choking coughs he manages   to open a window to clear out the smoke, then makes his way into the living room where his poor wife is seated with her head in her hands, sobbing.

    
“Honey, what’s wrong?”

    
She looks up at him with tears in her eyes. “Jim, this has just been one of the worst days of my entire life! The final straw came when I started making your dinner.  I was so behind in my work that I totally forgot about cooking something, so I pulled out last Thursday’s meat loaf and mashed potatoes from the freezer and started heating it up, only I noticed something tiny squirming around in the potatoes. I was so frustrated that I ended up just dumping the whole thing into the garbage disposal.”

    
He could see that she was too upset for him to mention that she had left the burner on. She probably never would stop crying if he did mention it.

    
“Tell you what,” he said, drying her eyes with his fingers, “there’s a new restaurant downtown that I’ve been meaning to take you to and this would be the perfect occasion, don’t you think?”

    
She smiled and wrapped her arms around him.

*       *       *       *     

     Not long after they were gone, a tiny thread of light could be seen shining down on the pan in the kitchen. It traveled from one end to the other, seemingly searching for something.

    
“Star Command, this is Starship X-5, do you copy?”

    
“Yes, go ahead, X-5.”

    
“Starship Command, are you sure about the last coordinates that X-1 sent you?”

    
“That’s affirmative, X-5.”

    
“Well, Command, I’m over those exact coordinates now and all I see is a charred and blackened  planet. It looks to be burned over pretty good and my sensors are not detecting any black hole anomalies in this sector. Command, I think we’re probably looking in the wrong place.”

    
“Ten- four X-5. It’s a big universe out there. Command central requests that we have you return to the base until we can figure out what to do next.”

    
“Roger, Star Command, I’m returning to base. Oh.. by the way, Command.  On my way here I passed over a small planet that I swore looked just like… I know this is going to sound crazy, but it looked just like a bowl of fruit. I would like permission to investigate on my way back to base.”

    
There was a long pause as though a conversation was being conducted on the other end, then….

    
“Ah… X-5, we just ran a quick check through your medical records and it looks as though you’re way over due for your space fatigue evaluations. So that’s a no go on the planet, but you are to see Dr. Larson immediately upon arrival at command base. Is that understood?”

    
There was no reply.

    
“Is that understood, Captain Wells?”

     “
Ten-four Star Command.”

    
“That’s just great,” mumbled the pilot under his breath, “I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.”

ARRIVAL TIME

    Everest, the snow-capped jewel deep in the heart of the Himalayas had been one of Ted’s favorite destinations for a long time, but the magic and challenge it offered in the past had finally worn off. He decided that this would be his last excursion to the top, but in true Ted form, he was determined to make it a memorable one.

   
Normally it would take him four days from base camp to reach the summit and another three to climb back down while carrying the necessary items to make the trip safely, chief among these the burdensome oxygen tanks. Ted always considered carrying those tanks to be a royal pain but this time he only brought along enough oxygen to reach the summit since he planned on making a most unorthodox descent, one intended to bring him to the bottom of the mountain in mere minutes instead of days.

   
The snow had been unrelenting the entire trip, but by the time Ted found himself perched at the top of the world once again, the mountain took on a glorious relaxation. The air became clear and still as a funeral and the rising orange ball behind the distant snowy peaks lit up the valley like a raging fire. Ted took off his goggles and looked down in wonder upon the world at his feet. “Just beautiful!” he said aloud, “You’re giving me quite a lovely send off, old pal! I’ll certainly miss your craggy old face but I still have a million places to visit and as they say… life is too short!”

   
He tore off his backpack and removed from it a bright red snowboard. He strapped the board to his feet, quickly got his bearings then shot off towards the bottom.

   
Following his ascending tracks, he felt like a human bullet being fired from a gun as he made his way down the mountain at break neck speed, but almost halfway down, he could see  trouble up ahead. A cluster of gigantic rocks jutted out of the snow like the teeth of a slumbering dragon, looming large and forming an impenetrable wall. He knew that hitting something that substantial head on would reduce him to instant jelly. He must have strayed from the path but there was no possibility of stopping now, his only option would be to drastically shift to either side of the rock and hope for the best. He was advancing at a frightening speed but at the last second he shifted his weight with all the force he could muster. It was just enough to change his trajectory ever so slightly and by a hair’s breadth he passed by the extreme edge of the rock. He swooshed by like a rocket with his eyes shut tight, anticipating the terrible impact that never came, but a second later he felt a strange new sensation… that of  leaving the Earth!

   
When he opened his eyes once again, the entire valley was spread out before him. He was no longer precariously tethered to the Earth by his snowboard; he now soared like an eagle upon the wind, as free and unencumbered as the air itself. The feeling of exhilaration he experienced was short lived, however, as his body started to tumble end over end, reminding him of his first free fall from an airplane, but of course he had a parachute with him then; this time he was certain the results would not be quite as enjoyable.

   
He began to wonder if the program would allow him to come to such a horrific end; he thought not, but there was still room for doubt. All his prior experiences had seemed so real, so lucid; perhaps anything could happen. The Earth came hurdling toward him now like a runaway freight train. He decided not to chance it and reached out to the omnipresent key pad that floated at his side in all his adventures. He pressed one of the buttons. Instantly his surroundings were transformed and he now found himself inside the curling pipe of an enormous blue swell of water. He crouched his frame to gain a better center of gravity and adjusted his footing upon the surf board. The wave he was riding came crashing down behind him in a boom of thunder but he managed to stay ahead of it. He could feel the cool spray of water lapping his shoulders as the ocean attempted to swallow him whole, still he remained upright and rode the colossal wave all the way to the shore.

   
A group of suntanned bodies stood by the water’s edge, cheering him on. Ted pulled himself out of the surf and was immediately consumed by the adoring crowd. After a few minutes his admirers dispersed and he felt completely spent by the day’s harrowing adventures. He made his way up the beach, finally collapsing into the soft warm sand.

  
  “Would you mind?” came a gentle voice from out of nowhere.

   
Ted rolled over on his side to see who was talking and the lovely vision before him caused his mouth to drop. Lying on a blanket next to him was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. She was wearing a skimpy two piece bathing suit and holding a bottle of tanning lotion.   

   
“Would you be a dear?” she asked as she handed the bottle to Ted, untying the string to her top and rolling over onto her stomach.

   
At that moment, he knew he was going to visit this particular program more often. He uncapped the bottle and poured a generous amount of the lotion into his hand but immediately sensed that something was wrong. He began to smell smoke and a second later his surroundings became fuzzy and distorted.

   
The girl looked up at Ted, “What’s wr…..” her words ended in a crackle.

   
The scene around him fell apart in a scattering of scrambled lines then disappeared altogether. He was again back in his real world.

   
The console in front of him had caught fire and Ted reached for the extinguisher. A few squirts and the fire was out, but the damage had already been done. He instantly knew what this all meant and collapsed back into his seat, his heart pounding out of his chest, desperately trying to regain his composure. After finally catching his breath, he surveyed the damage to the hologram module, it was as he suspected, completely burned through. He began to hyper ventilate as he felt for the first time since leaving Earth the choking confines of the capsule that had been his home for the past three months. He pressed his face against the portal window, hoping to regain the calmness he had felt the entire journey, but the star field gave no solace to the claustrophobia that was building and would eventually consume him.

   
He turned his eyes ever so slowly toward the ships chronometer and as he read the brightened display his throat tightened into a knot and his face drained of all color. It read, “ARRIVAL TIME” …975 days…43 minutes…55 seconds.