Writing a Wrong (16 page)

The more he talked, the more it felt like a jagged knife was being stabbed in my chest. I was the asshole who jumped into the arms of another guy at the first sign of trouble. My breaths came out in gasps as I struggled over whether to tell Alec the truth.

"Sweetie, don't cry. I only wish you would have called me back. It would have saved you from tearing yourself up."

His words only made me cry harder. He was going to hate me when I told him. I was singlehandedly responsible of the destruction of our relationship. I deserved to have the shattered heart.

He continued on, trying his best to make me feel better, not even realizing I was the one who had betrayed him. He deserved to know. It wouldn't be right any other way. "I kissed Greg," I blurted out.

"What?"

"I called and Lily told me you were taking a shower with Candace. I wanted to punish you," I sobbed. "But I'm broken anyway. The kiss did nothing. I ruined everything for a split second that felt like I was kissing my brother." I closed my eyes. There was no end to my shame.

"You kissed that weasel?"

I nodded, forgetting that I was on the phone with him. "I did," I said miserably. "I know sorry doesn't change that, and you have every right to be mad. There's nothing you could have said that would have been sufficient when I jumped to false conclusions about you."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"No. I mean, not like you think."

"Not like I think? What exactly is your definition of sleeping with someone that is different from mine?"

The tone of his voice was sounding more and more livid. "We talked for a long time and he let me cry until I fell asleep. Nothing happened—besides the terrible, awful, broken kiss." I didn't know what I could say that would express how insignificant the kiss was. That I knew immediately I only wanted his lips on mine, not Greg's.

"I should pound his fucking teeth down his throat for taking advantage of you," Alec growled.

"It wasn't his fault. I'm the one who kissed him, but we both realized instantly that we could never be more than friends," I admitted. 

"I wouldn't count on that," he growled.

"Alec, I'm serious. I love you. I was just hurt and confused. Don't end this over a misunderstanding." I was pretty close to losing my shit. I contemplated taking the wimp's way out and hanging up before he could lower the boom. Maybe I deserved to be dumped. An eye for an eye, or in this case, a heart for a heart.

"I'm not going anywhere—yet, but I need to wrap my brain around this. I need time to think, and right now it's hard with Lily running around."

"Okay," I whispered. What else could I say? When I thought he had been the cheater, I didn't want to hear any excuses either. All I could do was give him space and hope he realized we were worth another shot.

"I'll call you when I figure this out," he mumbled.

"Okay," I answered again. I waited for him to end the call. I didn't have the will to do it myself.

He did, without saying goodbye. I stared blindly at my phone for a moment before jumping from the bed. The walls of the room felt like they were closing around me. I was standing in the middle of a crime scene. A small shitty-ass hotel room with cheap furniture and stupid-looking paintings hanging on the walls would forever be burned into my mind.

I snatched up my purse and left, running down the hallway to my room like the hounds of hell were chasing me. My hands shook as I tried inserting the key card into the slot. Red light. I exhaled, trying to steady myself. Red light again. "Come on!" I screamed, kicking the door. Finally on the third try, the door opened and I practically jumped inside. I slammed the door behind me and slumped to the floor, allowing my misery to suck me in.

Chapter 17

I spent the entire day in my room, ignoring my phone and a few tentative knocks on my door. Sitting huddled up in a chair, I found myself thankful to be snowed in because it gave me the opportunity to compartmentalize everything. Maybe my tear ducts had dried up or my heart had sucked all my tears into the black hole it currently inhabited, but not another drop left my eyes.

I stared out the window attempting to come to terms with what my future held. The snow had stopped falling sometime during the night, leaving a clean slate outside. Everything was white and clean with a quiet serenity that gave me a small measure of peace.

The sun was beginning to set as I shrugged into my jacket and gloves and crept down the hallway toward the stairs. I exited the building through a service door, feeling the cold air like a slap in the face. I welcomed it, inhaling as much as my lungs would take. My nostrils stuck together with each breath. The cold early evening air was thin with none of the humidity I was used to back home. As I trudged through the deep layer of fresh snow, the tight band constricting my chest began to loosen.

The snow crunched under my feet as I walked. Turning around, I looked back at my footprints, which reminded of a painting I had seen in the past. My calves were already freezing from the snow that had slipped under my jeans. I probably should have thought to tuck my pants into my boots, but I ignored the cold since I was determined to make it to the lake. I had spotted the wooden dock from my window earlier and was curious if it was cold enough for the water to freeze over. My toes began to tingle as the snow under my pants melted into my boots. I had definitely proven to be a novice when it came to surviving outside in the winter. The branches of the trees that bookended the lake on both sides bowed under the weight of the heavy snow. Every so often I would hear the sound of creaking and snapping as I made my way toward the water.

I finally made it to the dock that was covered in a foot of snow. Clearing a path with my feet, I shuffled forward until I reached a small wooden bench that sat near the edge of the dock. Using my jacket-covered arm like a windshield wiper, I swept away the snow to clear a spot to sit down.

I paid no attention to the wet snow that soaked through the seat of my pants. The tranquility of my surroundings seeped the last of my despair away. My heart was an empty vessel. I had no way of knowing what Alec would do, but I had to find a way to shake it off and continue to work. If Greg was right, the roads would be cleared enough to drive tomorrow and we would be pulling out. My readers were not coming out to see me wallowing in gloom. I needed to get my mind right so I could paste a smile on my face and give them what they'd come for.

The moon was high in the sky by the time I decided I could no longer take the numbness in my feet and butt. I trudged back through the snow, but I was forced to use the main entrance since the service door I'd used previously was locked from the inside.

I spotted the lights from the lobby, like a bright beacon to warmer temperatures, as I rounded the corner. The more anxious I became to get inside, the more I seemed to shiver. My stomach growled, letting me know I had neglected to eat throughout the day. The plan was to strip out of my soaked clothes, take a hot shower, order room service, and whittle away the evening by watching TV.

"Hey, were you outside?" Monica asked as I entered the automatic doors.

"Nah, she just left her room through the secret exit outside," Michelle quipped.

"Don't be an ass. I meant are you crazy being outside when it's this cold?" Monica corrected.

"It wasn't too bad," I said through chattering teeth.

"Right, and Theo James is my new husband," Tina threw out. "You okay, honey?"

Chances were Michelle had filled in Monica and Tina on the full details of my fractured love life. At least, the version of the story I had spit out the night before. If they knew the latest turn of events, they might have wanted to take back their ill-placed concern. My forced smile stretched tightly across my lips. The urge to let them continue to believe I was the victim weighed heavily on the back of my mind.

"Alec didn't cheat on me and I kissed Greg." I spun around and headed for the elevators, leaving their mouths gaping in surprise. Greg, who showed up in time to hear my confession, looked as if he didn't know whether to stay and explain himself to the others or chase after me. I was actually relieved he'd been there to hear the truth. Not that I had lied to him last night, I just didn't have all the facts. Either way, I wasn't in the mood to offer him the rest of the story. I realized I was being selfish. After all, he had been there for me the night before when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Tomorrow would be different.

I tapped the button on the wall several times, believing it would somehow make the elevator arrive faster. When the doors opened, I jumped into the elevator and turned around to face my jury. They all watched me, just as I expected. Women could be harsh, and judgment and criticism were weapons, especially when cheating was involved. I know I would have been the first one to judge if the shoe was on someone else's foot. The doors closed, sealing me away.

***

The next morning, Greg's prediction proved to be right. We found out from the hotel manager that the roads in the surrounding area had been cleared. They had also hired a private plow to shovel their parking lot so the RV was no longer buried.

By nine a.m. we were all loaded up and ready to head out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep because I sat up half the night hoping Alec would call, and the other half stressing over how to deal with the rest of the bus tour with four former friends who no longer wanted to talk to me. Surprisingly, the barrage of accusatory questions I had been expecting never came. Everyone, including Greg, acted like nothing had happened. I climbed on board and sat on the couch, grateful for their consideration.

After making sure the ringer was at full volume, I placed my phone in my bag so I wouldn't be tempted to check it every few minutes. Even though I wished for it most of the night, Alec hadn't called. I guess I wasn't surprised. I probably wouldn't have called either. All right, I definitely wouldn't have.

The drive could have been awkward and terribly uncomfortable, but Michelle and the others went out of their way to make it the complete opposite. None of them pulled out their laptops, and the conversation stayed away from anything to do with relationships. At times it even became weirdly intense. Like when Tina, our resident science buff, tried to explain black holes and dark matter. Even Greg joined in on the conversation. He spent forty miles trying to convince us that black holes made time travel possible. "Who cares about black holes? All you need is a DeLorean and a flux capacitor," Monica said, making us all burst into laughter.

The hours slid blissfully by with each mile that passed. Through it all, though, the ache in my heart never decreased. It was there as a constant reminder of the phone in my purse that still hadn't rung. I'm not sure I could ever remember a time when I had been so brokenhearted. Not when I tried to hand over my V-card to Alec or when he freaked out after I told him I loved him. This was a different pain. The kind that persisted and refused to go away. I'd written about tons of breakups during the years, but for the first time I actually felt like I understood loss.

Time continued ticking by without a call from Alec. I forced myself to survive the only way I knew how. Ignoring my feelings and stuffing them down. I immersed myself in the attention my friends offered. The distraction provided much-needed relief. It was only when I felt the vehicle begin to slow down that I allowed myself to take in my surroundings.

It took me a minute after seeing the street lights in the shape of big old chocolate Kisses that I fully registered where we were. "Are we in Hershey, Pennsylvania?" I asked, gawking out the window.

"Surprise!" Michelle, Tina, and Monica shouted in unison.

"We're a little ahead of schedule since the last signing was cancelled. Philadelphia is less than a couple hours away, and they're not expecting us until this evening. The way we figure it, you have about two hours to explore," Tina crowed happily.

"You guys," I said as my eyes watered up. Unlike the hundreds of tears I had spilled during the last forty-eight hours, these were not soaked in pain. My friends could have judged me. They could have made me feel worse for what happened, but instead they planned a special day.

Hershey's Chocolate World was everything I ever imagined it would be. The smells alone convinced me this was the closest you would ever get to heaven on earth. By the time I was dragged from the building, I was practically in a chocolate-induced coma. My arms were loaded with bags stuffed with chocolate goodies, a giant Hershey bar stuffed toy, and other knickknacks I felt I couldn't live without. Michelle had to stage an intervention when I tried to buy a ten-pound bar with my name printed on it. The experience was enough to take my mind off Alec, if only momentarily.

"Are you sure you bought enough? I mean, considering they don't sell Hershey bars anywhere else," Monica teased as we climbed back into the RV.

I hefted my bags onto the couch, flexing my sore fingers to get the blood circulating again. "True, but these are fresh from the source," I said, lovingly patting the bags.

"You're incorrigible," she laughed, placing her own purchases behind her chair.

"Says the woman who popped ten Kisses without skipping a beat."

"Can I help it that they were so insistent with the samples? You saw that overly cheerful employee. She practically shoved them in my mouth for me. What was I going to do, get her fired?" 

"I was teasing. I ate my fair share too. Needless to say my stomach isn't very happy with me, but it hurts so good," I said, rubbing my rumbling tummy.

I plopped down on the small sofa, tapping my fingers on the armrest as I glanced at my purse next to me. I never heard my phone's ringtone, so as far as I knew Alec hadn't called. Of course, I also resisted the urge to check my phone the entire time we walked around Hershey. Not that the uncertainty wasn't killing me. So many questions bounced around my head. Would I ever hear from Alec again? Would I get home to find my apartment stripped of his belongings? 

Regardless of what Alec may or may not be doing, I couldn't let it drag me down to the point where I wouldn't be able to function. I shoved my purse to the opposite side of the sofa and leaned back as the RV began to move. Everyone seemed to be pooped and content to sit and relax for the two-hour drive to Philadelphia. Greg tuned the radio to a top-forty station and the girls and I sat in silence, readying ourselves for a busy evening.

Resting my head against the soft cushions, I contemplated everything that had happened during the past month or so. It already felt like so long ago that I landed in New York, both eager and frightened for what lie ahead. I had released Wicked Lonely, appeared on Good Morning America, survived the Love Bus, and met tons of adoring readers. Not to mention, leaving my boyfriend, being surprised by my boyfriend, believing the worst about my boyfriend, cheating on my boyfriend, and now possibly, I had lost my boyfriend. Without a doubt, I had experienced enough emotional ups and downs to last ten lifetimes.

By tomorrow evening, the bus tour part of my trip would be over. Even though not everything about the Love Bus had worked out like I anticipated, I would miss my friends. We had become as close as anyone could get while spending nearly a month cooped up together. That being said, I was ready for the tour to be over. The countless signings were fun, but mentally draining. Plus, it was difficult being away from home for so long. I was jealous that the others would be heading off to the comfort of their own beds while I still had a few more weeks on the road. My only consolation was that the remaining events were spread out, giving me a break in between, and Mom would be with me for ten days of the trip.

We arrived in Philadelphia with just enough time to check into the hotel and change before we had to head out to a dinner party set up by the publisher. It was a VIP ticketed event, which basically meant the readers would get an opportunity to chat with us on a smaller scale. They could get their books signed without worrying about a line or feeling rushed. Out of all the stops on the tour, this was the event I had been looking forward to the most.

I stood in front of the door-length mirror in my hotel room, lethargically going through the motions of changing into something more appropriate for the dinner. My body had about as much substance as a puppet with no strings. I felt like I just wanted to flop on my bed and sleep for an entire day.

Greg was leaving his own room as I closed my door behind me.

"Hey," he greeted me. "How you holding up?"

"Fine," I lied, pasting a smile on my face.

He slung an arm over my shoulder, pulling me in for a one-armed hug. "Liar. You forget, I have four sisters. I can read chicks. I'm sure Alec is going to realize that mistakes happen and get over it."

My shoulders slumped. "No, he won't. Not only did I cheat on him, but I did it for all the wrong reasons. If I were in his shoes, I don't know that I would ever be able to trust me again. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hear from him—ever." Saying the words aloud made my heart drop to my toes.