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Authors: Daniele Bolelli
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So, when in 701 BCE the Assyrians took notice of the Jewish rebellion, they immediately set in motion to crush them in the same way they had crushed their cousins a couple of
decades earlier. Hezekiah had counted on receiving Egyptian help in the coming war, but the Egyptians decided they had better things to do than being in the path of angry Assyrians. Without further ado, the Assyrian army began putting on the usual rape and pillage show throughout the southern Jewish state of Judah. One by one, all the Jewish towns fell into the hands of the Assyrians. And Hezekiah's gesture of rebellion was looking more and more like a suicidal move by a delusional religious fanatic. By now, only Jerusalem still stood, but probably not for long. The remaining Jews had retreated within the walls of their capital for one desperate last stand. But if there were bookies back then, they certainly wouldn't have given very good odds for the survival of the Jewish people. Fresh from all their victories, the Assyrian army reached the walls of Jerusalem ready to finish up the job and go home. Hezekiah tried to reassure his terrorized people by saying that God was on their side, but this only made the Assyrians laugh. Everywhere we have gone—they told the Jews—we heard people telling us their gods would protect them … well, go ask them now how well that has worked for them … if you can find any of them alive. Hezekiah, realizing he had angered the wrong guys, tried to throw a bunch of gold at them, but by now the Assyrians were out for blood, so they didn't lift the siege.
decades earlier. Hezekiah had counted on receiving Egyptian help in the coming war, but the Egyptians decided they had better things to do than being in the path of angry Assyrians. Without further ado, the Assyrian army began putting on the usual rape and pillage show throughout the southern Jewish state of Judah. One by one, all the Jewish towns fell into the hands of the Assyrians. And Hezekiah's gesture of rebellion was looking more and more like a suicidal move by a delusional religious fanatic. By now, only Jerusalem still stood, but probably not for long. The remaining Jews had retreated within the walls of their capital for one desperate last stand. But if there were bookies back then, they certainly wouldn't have given very good odds for the survival of the Jewish people. Fresh from all their victories, the Assyrian army reached the walls of Jerusalem ready to finish up the job and go home. Hezekiah tried to reassure his terrorized people by saying that God was on their side, but this only made the Assyrians laugh. Everywhere we have gone—they told the Jews—we heard people telling us their gods would protect them … well, go ask them now how well that has worked for them … if you can find any of them alive. Hezekiah, realizing he had angered the wrong guys, tried to throw a bunch of gold at them, but by now the Assyrians were out for blood, so they didn't lift the siege.
With Judaism just one step away from being wiped off the face of the earth, the unexpected happened. Within a few days, the Assyrian
army was packing and heading back home while Jerusalem still stood. Apparently, some kind of disease had swept the ranks of the invading army forcing them to turn back. Not buying the Jewish theory that this was a plague sent by God to save his chosen people, McNeill suggests that the Assyrians had run out of clean sources of water in the barren countryside surrounding Jerusalem, and had gotten sick when they resorted to drinking from contaminated wells. Whatever it was, it made Jews deliriously happy and dramatically strengthened their faith in monotheism, since their one God had come through for them at a time when only a miracle could save them. Even when decades down the road, the Jews were conquered by the Babylonians, their monotheistic faith was too well rooted to be given up because of exile. No matter what would happen to them, Jews would now survive as a monotheistic people.
army was packing and heading back home while Jerusalem still stood. Apparently, some kind of disease had swept the ranks of the invading army forcing them to turn back. Not buying the Jewish theory that this was a plague sent by God to save his chosen people, McNeill suggests that the Assyrians had run out of clean sources of water in the barren countryside surrounding Jerusalem, and had gotten sick when they resorted to drinking from contaminated wells. Whatever it was, it made Jews deliriously happy and dramatically strengthened their faith in monotheism, since their one God had come through for them at a time when only a miracle could save them. Even when decades down the road, the Jews were conquered by the Babylonians, their monotheistic faith was too well rooted to be given up because of exile. No matter what would happen to them, Jews would now survive as a monotheistic people.
This is clearly one of the biggest “what if” in history. Had Jerusalem fallen to the Assyrians as it was more than logical to expect, it is highly likely that Judaism would have disappeared from the map. Had Judaism disappeared, its derivatives—Christianity and Islam—would have never been born, and the entire history of the world would be completely different. So, the trilogy of major Western religions exists only because the army of a guy named Sennacherib didn't have good water to drink.
10 FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN? I’D LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY PET KING COBRAPolls are fickle. Depending on who you listen to, the percentage of Americans who believe that the Bible is literally true, word by word, cover to cover, is anywhere from 30 to 60 percent. Even if we take only the lowest estimate as correct, this still means that almost 100 million people in the United States swear on the absolute truthfulness of every line in the Bible. And this is where the fun begins …
Countless passages in the Bible present problems for those who take them too literally, but for the sake of simplicity let's stick to Mark 16:15–18. In these lines, the resurrected Jesus basically charges his disciples with the task of preaching the Gospel throughout the world. So far so good, but in the next breath Jesus adds that all those who will believe in him will be able to heal the sick, cast out demons, speak in new tongues, handle deadly snakes and drink poison without suffering any harm.
Ok, now, could you repeat that please? Did you say drink poison and handle deadly snakes? This sounds like quite a way to test one's devotion to Jesus. The man, after all, said that if you truly believe, you have nothing to worry, so … shall we bring out king cobras and poison shots? Truth be told, quite a few people through the ages have indeed tried to demonstrate their honest, heartfelt faith in the Bible by doing precisely those things that Jesus promised his loyal followers would be able to do. Needless to say, snakes have had a field day with many of these guys. So, here is the problem: in the real world anybody drinking the strongest poisons in the universe will die—regardless of how much faith they possess. This leaves us with a few options: either, A.) There are no true Christians in the world; B.) The Bible lied; or C.) This passage is not authentic. Option A is clearly problematic for modern Christians because it would mean that they are all a bunch of faithless posers. Option B is almost even worse since it denies the validity of the Bible. Option C seems to offer some hope, and in fact many Christians pick this one by stating that these lines may have not been originally part of the scriptures, but were added later. They may very well be right. This, however, is only marginal consolation, because if we admit that parts of the Bible as we know it are forgeries, then how do we know what's true and what isn't in the Good Book? The idea that “scriptures are absolutely true … except for those parts that are forged” doesn't exactly inspire tremendous confidence in the Bible.
Some Christians have tried to save the day by arguing that these powers were only given to the first disciples post-resurrection. But besides the fact that the quote doesn't specify this, why should Jesus promise them protection from snakes and poisons, but let the Romans behead them (Saint Paul, for example) or crucify them upside down (Saint Peter)?
Running out of arguments but badly wanting to hold on to their claims, some fundamentalist Christians quote another passage from the Bible stating that we should never test God. So Jesus promises wonders to his followers, but we can't test this claim because doing so would be offending God? Now, this sounds like a lame ass excuse for people who deep inside know that they would fall miserably short of success. A biblical prophet like Elijah openly challenged the prophets of rival gods like Baal and Ashera to a “my God is stronger than your gods” competition, in which both sides would try to perform miracles in front of a crowd, in order to show which deities were true and which were frauds. Scriptures tell us that rather than being struck down for “testing” God, Elijah was successful (and incidentally celebrated by having 450 of the rival prophets assassinated). So, here is a good challenge for diehard fundamentalist Christians: show your faith by swallowing the deadliest poison known to men or stop pretending you believe the Bible to be literally true. Better yet, do this in the middle of Yankee Stadium on a pay-per-view event. If you are successful, subscriptions to the Jesus's fan club will skyrocket.
11 MAMMOTH PORN AND THE CAVEMAN’S HIP HOP: THE ORIGINS OF RELIGIONIn the minds of most people, Judaism and Hinduism are the oldest faiths in the world, since they have been around far longer than any other surviving organized religion. But with their few thousands of years of history, Judaism and Hinduism are but unruly teenagers in the eyes of the truly ancient traditions—traditions so ancient that they don't even have a name. Scholars sometimes refer to them somewhat interchangeably as tribal religions, or shamanism, or animism, or a myriad other names. But such “catch all” terms are oversimplifications since these traditions are not part of a single organized religion, but rather are thousands of small-scale religions usually sharing a few key characteristics.
Admittedly, trying to put our fingers on the first examples of religious behavior in history is two parts science and eight parts speculation. We are going so far back in time, in fact, that archaeologists get excited if they can find a fragment of a tooth dating to those days. Try putting together a picture of somebody's religion from dental remains, the leftovers of a grave or a few dots of paint, and you get a sense of what we are up against. But this doesn't mean the quest for the origins of religion is completely hopeless.
So, let's roll out the time machine and hit the road. Our first stop takes us to
such a distant past as to be outside of human history. Say that again? Religion without humans? Almost. Our evolutionary cousins, the Neanderthals, are the proud pioneers of religious behavior on earth. They are, in fact, the first species ever to bury their dead with grave goods suggesting they had rituals for the death of their kinsmen and a likely belief in some kind of afterlife. What else went through their thick Neanderthal skulls we have no idea, but this is an interesting start. Apparently, religion began among a different species!
such a distant past as to be outside of human history. Say that again? Religion without humans? Almost. Our evolutionary cousins, the Neanderthals, are the proud pioneers of religious behavior on earth. They are, in fact, the first species ever to bury their dead with grave goods suggesting they had rituals for the death of their kinsmen and a likely belief in some kind of afterlife. What else went through their thick Neanderthal skulls we have no idea, but this is an interesting start. Apparently, religion began among a different species!
Once we move to the first
Homo sapiens sapiens
, the evidence becomes a bit clearer. Tens of thousands of years ago, our most distant ancestors painted the bones of their dead with red ochre—something that clearly had no practical purpose, and indicated some level of symbolic thinking typical of religion. But even cooler is the fact that they left behind complex cave paintings, which give us a window inside their heads. What is that they loved to paint? Animals, animals and more animals. The vast majority of cave paintings depict animals being hunted or animals having sex. If you are wondering what a couple of mammoths humping have to do with religion, hang on. I’m getting there.
Homo sapiens sapiens
, the evidence becomes a bit clearer. Tens of thousands of years ago, our most distant ancestors painted the bones of their dead with red ochre—something that clearly had no practical purpose, and indicated some level of symbolic thinking typical of religion. But even cooler is the fact that they left behind complex cave paintings, which give us a window inside their heads. What is that they loved to paint? Animals, animals and more animals. The vast majority of cave paintings depict animals being hunted or animals having sex. If you are wondering what a couple of mammoths humping have to do with religion, hang on. I’m getting there.
It seems that in many cases, these paintings were located in those parts of the caves that had the best acoustic qualities. Add to this the fact that the floor facing the paintings often bore the prints of many feet whose repetitive
motions left in the sands what look like complex dance patterns. These clues have convinced some archaeologists that the paintings were not just art for art's sake, but rather props in rituals involving music and dancing. When we consider that most tribal cultures hold dances as their prime forms of religious ritual, this hypothesis is not as farfetched as it may seem at first.
motions left in the sands what look like complex dance patterns. These clues have convinced some archaeologists that the paintings were not just art for art's sake, but rather props in rituals involving music and dancing. When we consider that most tribal cultures hold dances as their prime forms of religious ritual, this hypothesis is not as farfetched as it may seem at first.
How can animal sex, hunting, and dancing mix to give us religion? It goes something like this. Reports from around the world tell us that even in historical times many hunting and gathering cultures would stage religious dances featuring all of these elements. Success in the hunt to them was the key to survival. So they would often perform elaborate rituals and prayers to gain the favor of powerful spirits who would facilitate the hunt. The belief was that no matter how skillful the hunters were, if the spirits were not pleased, they would drive the animals away. Gaining their cooperation was therefore essential. The paintings and dances simulating hunting were
then but elements in a ritual to enlist the spirits’ help. Assuming that the hunt was successful, more rituals were needed. The killing of some animals, in fact, meant that there were less of them in the world, so it was crucial to make sure that the surviving animals would be horny enough to get down to business and make more animals, keeping the cycle going. How to accomplish this? With more paintings and ritual dances this time simulating not hunting but sex, in order to inspire the animals to do the same. So, there you have it, according to some archaeologists religion began with groups of sweaty cavemen and cavewomen moaning and grinding away in dances that looked like the great-grandmother of hip hop.
12 WE LOVE FREEDOM OF RELIGION … EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF THOSE STUPID RELIGIONS WE DON’T LIKEthen but elements in a ritual to enlist the spirits’ help. Assuming that the hunt was successful, more rituals were needed. The killing of some animals, in fact, meant that there were less of them in the world, so it was crucial to make sure that the surviving animals would be horny enough to get down to business and make more animals, keeping the cycle going. How to accomplish this? With more paintings and ritual dances this time simulating not hunting but sex, in order to inspire the animals to do the same. So, there you have it, according to some archaeologists religion began with groups of sweaty cavemen and cavewomen moaning and grinding away in dances that looked like the great-grandmother of hip hop.
A common myth about American history holds that the first British colonists came to North America for freedom of religion. As it's often the case, myth is much prettier than reality. It is true that the early Puritans very much resented being persecuted by other Protestants back in England, but this didn't mean they had anything against persecuting others. They just didn't like their place in the persecution-game, not the game itself. This is why when they had power they happily cracked down on Quakers, and on any other
religious dissidents. When early Puritanism began to lose its drive, a general acceptance of other forms of Protestantism spread. Many, many decades later, Catholicism was added to the list of tolerated religions, and eventually little by little other religions trickled in as well.
religious dissidents. When early Puritanism began to lose its drive, a general acceptance of other forms of Protestantism spread. Many, many decades later, Catholicism was added to the list of tolerated religions, and eventually little by little other religions trickled in as well.
BOOK: 50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion
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