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Authors: Daniele Bolelli
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Unlike Jesus, however, Sabbatai managed to gain thousands of followers rather quickly from both Europe as well as from the Ottoman Empire. The desperation felt by many Jews because of the extreme anti-Semitism they faced made many ready to embrace this new Messiah, since they felt he couldn't have come at a more opportune time. In 1665, Sabbatai pushed his luck by predicting that within a year he and his right hand man—who, incidentally, was supposed to be a new incarnation of the prophet Elijah—would conquer the world and lead all Jews back to Israel. This bold prediction spurred thousands of Jews to begin selling everything they owned in preparation for their trip back to the Promised Land.
This kind of bravado, however, didn't sit well with the Ottomans, who controlled that part of the world. The grand vizier promptly had him arrested. And this is where Sabbatai found out that being the Messiah was not as fun as advertised.
The grand vizier, in fact, told him that the only way he would be freed would be by performing a miracle. First he would be stripped naked, and then the court archers would use him as a target. If his messianic powers could deflect the arrows, then he would be free to go. Faced with the archers, Sabbatai suddenly remembered that his passion for martyrdom had run out, and that he had actually always wanted to convert to Islam. Satisfied with having exposed him as a charlatan, the Ottomans let him live. Some diehards among his followers tried to spin the whole thing as part of a super complicated messianic move to redeem the whole world by sacrificing his convictions—and, by the way, there are a few thousand people who still believe this today—but clearly this was a hard sell. Had Sabbatai been a little crazier or gutsier, it's likely that a fourth major Western religion would have joined Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
19 IF YOU ARE POOR, IT’S BECAUSE GOD HATES YOUR GUTSThe grand vizier, in fact, told him that the only way he would be freed would be by performing a miracle. First he would be stripped naked, and then the court archers would use him as a target. If his messianic powers could deflect the arrows, then he would be free to go. Faced with the archers, Sabbatai suddenly remembered that his passion for martyrdom had run out, and that he had actually always wanted to convert to Islam. Satisfied with having exposed him as a charlatan, the Ottomans let him live. Some diehards among his followers tried to spin the whole thing as part of a super complicated messianic move to redeem the whole world by sacrificing his convictions—and, by the way, there are a few thousand people who still believe this today—but clearly this was a hard sell. Had Sabbatai been a little crazier or gutsier, it's likely that a fourth major Western religion would have joined Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
The history of Christianity is like a treasure chest for anyone who is fond of contradictions. The Gospels bicker with each other by relating similar tales in very different ways. But even more obviously, Christianity has often so dramatically departed from the words attributed to Jesus as to make you wonder how these glaring contradictions can be justified. Jesus tells you to “Love your
enemies” and “Turn the other cheek”? So let's show how much we love Jesus by waging crusades, inquisitions, witch-hunts, and brutal campaigns of repression against anyone who doesn't love Him as much as we do. Jesus's pacifism has drowned in the hyper-violence that has characterized much of Christian history.
enemies” and “Turn the other cheek”? So let's show how much we love Jesus by waging crusades, inquisitions, witch-hunts, and brutal campaigns of repression against anyone who doesn't love Him as much as we do. Jesus's pacifism has drowned in the hyper-violence that has characterized much of Christian history.
But—we may object—most Christians alive today seem to have lost the bloodthirsty enthusiasm of their ancestors, and are no longer inclined to exterminate non-Christians. Even though it is true enough that chopping the unbelievers’ heads off may no longer be a popular pastime, the vast majority of Christians still conveniently forget about another theme that was central to Jesus's ideology, and structure their lives in direct opposition to it. Jesus, in fact, was one of the most anti-capitalist thinkers this side of Karl Marx. Yet, most Christians are capitalists. What gives?
The concept of capitalism may have not existed in its modern forms during Jesus's times, but Jesus's words about accumulation of wealth leave little to the imagination. The Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke all report Jesus saying: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.”
Damn … does it get any blunter than this?
Just to make sure we are paying attention, Jesus hammers the same point over and over, repeating multiple times his condemnation of accumulation of wealth. We find him telling wannabe followers to sell all their possessions and give the money to the poor (in case you are wondering, this made some decide that following Jesus was not such a hot idea anymore). In another passage, he categorically states that you can't serve God and wealth at the same time. Elsewhere he warns us to focus on spiritual wealth rather than material wealth, and not to “store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy …” In yet a different occasion, he tells “Woe to the rich for you have received your consolation.” And in a series of sentences that are as antithetical to spirit of capitalism as they come, he advises his followers not to make any plans about the future in regards to food and shelter, since God will take care of everyone's basic needs.
Considering how insistent Jesus is on this topic, it is with little surprise that we find out in other parts of the New Testament how his early followers shared everything among each other, and nearly eliminated private property.
In the face of this ultra-radical stance about wealth by their founder, it would be easy to conclude that most Christians live by making vows of poverty and shunning wealth like the plague. But that's not quite the way things play out. God may be cool—most modern Christians think—but so is gold. Why should we have to choose one over the other? Ever since the Protestant Reformation, any qualms any Christian may have had about chasing good, old-fashioned cash began to fade. Many Catholics had maintained a theology frowning on accumulation of wealth, but simply had chosen to ignore it in practice. Plenty of Protestants, instead, decided to feel better about the whole thing and banish hypocrisy by reinventing the economic ideology of Christianity. Step one was to conveniently skip the many, many passages mentioned above. Step two was to focus instead on the biblical passages (mostly in the Old Testament) approving of wealth. Step three was to argue that since nothing in the world happens without God willing it, economic success (or the lack of thereof) is a quantifiable way to judge how much God does or does not favor you.
Voilà
! The tables are turned and suddenly the obsession for money making has been recycled as a perfectly acceptable Christian endeavor. In the theology endorsed by some Christians (particularly those espousing the quintessential American “gospel of prosperity”) accumulating wealth is not only justifiable but almost a Christian duty since material prosperity is God's reward for His
faithful followers. The obvious corollary is that if you are poor, instead, it is probably because God hates your guts.
! The tables are turned and suddenly the obsession for money making has been recycled as a perfectly acceptable Christian endeavor. In the theology endorsed by some Christians (particularly those espousing the quintessential American “gospel of prosperity”) accumulating wealth is not only justifiable but almost a Christian duty since material prosperity is God's reward for His
faithful followers. The obvious corollary is that if you are poor, instead, it is probably because God hates your guts.
What makes this hijacking of Jesus's message even funnier are the ways in which the God & Gold enthusiasts have tried to claim that Jesus was himself wealthy. Only the rich—they reason—could afford to travel around like he did and not work. But my all time favorite is the argument that Roman soldiers gambled for the right to take Jesus's underwear after he died suggesting he was so rich that even his underwear was made of very expensive materials.
Really? Is that what this theology hangs by? Jesus underwear? Memo to self: if I ever try to justify my beliefs by appealing to a divine pair of underwear, it's time to admit defeat.
20 CRAZY WISDOM, LAKOTA-STYLELakota religion is not for sissies: they shed blood during the sacrifice of the Sun Dance, seek visions in the midst of the wilderness while on prolonged fasts, and cook themselves in the extreme heat of the sweat lodge. As members of an American Indian tribe renowned for their skills as warriors and fighting spirit, the Lakota apply this same mindset to their religious ceremonies. Putting their body on the line is their way of praying. But Lakota spiritual life also includes
something less well known and infinitely weirder than some of the macho displays of toughness for which they are famous. It is home to the
heyoka
—one of the most bizarre figures in all of the world's religions.
something less well known and infinitely weirder than some of the macho displays of toughness for which they are famous. It is home to the
heyoka
—one of the most bizarre figures in all of the world's religions.
Heyoka are individuals who received a vision from the spirits of thunder. In exchange for the vision and for the powers that come with it—which can range from the ability to bring rain to healing—the thunder spirits demand that those they bless turn themselves into “sacred clowns.” This is something so at odds with how most religions view the world that it deserves an explanation. In the minds of most people, clowns are strange looking guys who are supposed to make kids laugh—not exactly what we typically connect with the word “sacred.” What the hell is a sacred clown, then?
Heyokas are clowns in the sense that, by violating all the most basic social rules and routinely doing the opposite of what is normally expected, their behavior comes across as hilariously funny. They may say “yes” when they mean “no,” go around half-naked complaining about the heat in the midst of a blizzard, shiver and cover up with blankets on the hottest summer day, laugh at funerals, cry when everyone around them is happy, pretend having sex with anything that has a pulse during sacred ceremonies, and the list goes on …
At the same time, they are also sacred. Not only are they believed to possess supernatural powers beyond the reach of ordinary mortals, but also through their outrageous actions they teach religious lessons of the utmost importance. Although it may not be obvious, there's a method to their madness. Addicted to a sharp dualism, much of humanity likes to divide the universe in neatly divided categories: black or white, masculine or feminine, sacred or funny, etc. The heyoka's message is that this is a dangerous illusion. With all their weird antics, they shake people out of their habits and invite them to look at reality in a different way. By acting contrary to normal expectations and flirting with seeming contradictions, the heyoka are the ambassadors of paradox, the living embodiment of a yin-yang way of perceiving the world, constantly bringing together what regular humans keep separate. In doing this, they remind us that life is always more complex and more beautiful than any doctrine and any simplistic category. It's a never-ending dance of opposites that are not easily divided. Their enemies are the dualism blinding us to the true nature of reality and self-importance from which all dogmas are born. Laughter is their way of giving battle, and cracking people up even in the most atrocious situations is their mission. The more something is sacred and important, the more most people in the world become overly serious and rigid. But the heyoka agrees with Nietzsche when he says that if we don't want to be crushed by the heaviness of it all, the most deadly serious of issues need to be approached with levity and playfulness.
It's a fairly safe bet to assume that if you are looking for a paradise of free love and sexual indulgence, Iran may not be the first country that comes to mind. Ever since the 1979 Revolution ushered rabid fundamentalists to power, the Islamic Republic of Iran has not exactly been known for an enlightened attitude about sex. I mean … hell … any country that has a morality police whose tasks include arresting women whose coats are too short or whose head scarves are not tight enough doesn't sound like the right place if you are looking for a good time. Even if we move past the first impressions, the reality on the ground doesn't get much better. The
Iranian legal code, after all, states that unmarried couples having sex or simply dating and hanging out together can be arrested and flogged. And to make things more cheerful, adulterers are to be stoned to death.
Iranian legal code, after all, states that unmarried couples having sex or simply dating and hanging out together can be arrested and flogged. And to make things more cheerful, adulterers are to be stoned to death.
BOOK: 50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion
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