Asian Heat (2 page)

We had fun,
though. One of the things you can do in Sheba’s is to buy a bucketful of ping
pong balls and throw them at the dancers. It sounds stupid, but the girls get
twenty baht for every ball they can grab so it turns into a real free-for-all
with naked girls scrambling everywhere.
 
Laura made me buy a couple of buckets and she had me buy drinks for
several of the girls.

Back in the hotel
room I asked her what she’d thought about the lesbian show and she’d just
shrugged and said it had been okay but she thought the girls were faking it. I
agreed, I figured they were only doing it for the money, the same as the girls
who had been sitting next to male customers, rubbing their thighs and looking
into their eyes and hanging on their every word. Again I’d been pre-warned by
Stickman – bargirls are there for one reason – to earn money. And
according to Stickman most of that money went to their Thai husbands or
boyfriends.

The next day, we
flew to Phuket. The resort we had booked was superb, right next to a pristine
beach and with great restaurants, but to be honest it wasn’t the best of
holidays.
 
Don’t get me wrong, the
weather was terrific and the food was good, but Phuket was far more expensive
than Skegness and it was as if everyone was out to con us. They had these van
things called tuk-tuks that cost almost a fiver just to go a few hundred yards,
and whenever you lay down on the beach people would come along and try to sell
you crap that you didn’t want and they wouldn’t take no for an answer.
 
At night we’d go bar-hopping and that
was a pain too because a lot of the bars were outside and as you sat trying to
enjoy a drink vendors would come up behind you and poke you in the ribs, trying
to sell you fake watches or cigarettes or chewing gum. They were a right pain
and no matter how many times you told them they would still come back a few
hours later and poke you in the back.

Like I said, the
beaches were great but there were problems with tourists getting ripped off and
beaten up.
 
The guys who rented out
jetskis had a scam going where when tourists returned them they’d claim the
jetski had been damaged. We heard of an Aussie couple who were frog-marched to
the ATM to withdraw twenty thousand baht to pay for a dent that the Aussies
said was there when they rented the thing. The problem was that there were no
cops to be seen and more than a dozen Thai men all getting very aggressive.
 
Laura and I gave the jetskis a wide
berth, it just wasn’t worth the risk.

A few women were
robbed while we were there, too.
 
They’d be walking down the road and
 
two guys would roar by on a motorbike and grab the bag. One
woman was dragged for fifty feet down the road and was taken to hospital with
half her skin missing.
 
You don’t
read about that sort of thing in the holiday brochures but everyone in Phuket
was talking about how dangerous it was.

The nightlife was
fun, especially the beer bar scene.
 
There were hundreds of small bars staffed by girls who’d play all sorts
of silly games with the customers. They did that Connect Four game and a dice
game where you have to throw two dice to get the numbers from one to twelve.
And they had this weird game where you had to hammer nails into a slice of a
tree. I know how stupid that sounds but it was actually really good fun. You
put a six inch nail into the wood and then try to hit it down with as few blows
as possible. Some of the girls were really expert at it and could get the head
of the nail flush with the surface with just two whacks.
 
It’s a lot harder than it sounds.
 
The girls were great with Laura but it
was obvious they were more interested in the single guys who came to the bars.
For obvious reasons, I guess.

The main bar area
is around Bangla Road, not far from the sea. There are go-go bars and beer bars
and nightclubs and I swear there must be thousands of hookers, most of them
working in the bars. But here’s the thing – a hell of a lot of them are
ladyboys.
 
They look like women but
they’re guys and most of them hadn’t had the operation so they still had the
old block and tackle between their legs
 
Laura thought they were freaks but I have to say that a lot of them were
very sexy.

We went out every
night partying and had a great time, but no matter how pretty the girls were
around us, Laura just didn’t seem interested. I’d sit with her and a stunning
dancer and I’d buy them both drinks and put my arms around them but whenever I
suggested the girl would probably be fun in the sack Laura would go all
cold.
 
At one point she asked me
point blank if I wanted to have sex with one of the dancers and I had to laugh
it off and say no, I only wanted her. She asked me if I was sure and I knew
that was a trap so I carried on making a joke of it and said that I was a
one-woman man and she was the one woman for me.
 
I knew if I’d said what I really wanted was a threesome she
would have hit the roof.

It was on our
last night in Phuket that I met Billy. Billy was a long-time resident of
Thailand. He was Scottish, and he’d been in the Army. Served in the Falklands ,
he said. Then he’d worked on oil rigs and then he’d been in the Gulf for a
while and that’s when he’d first come to Thailand.
 
Apparently a lot of oil workers in the Middle East fly to
Thailand for a bit of R&R.
 
Anyway, Laura had gotten a headache so she went back to the room while I
stayed and had a few drinks with Billy.
 
I know a lot of guys in that position would take the opportunity to fool
around, but I didn’t. Sure I looked at the girls as they danced and I even
chatted with them and bought them drinks.
 
But when they asked if I wanted to go with them I’d just smile and show
them my wedding ring.

‘But your wife
not here,’ they’d say.

I’d just smile
and pat my heart and say ‘but she’s in here.’
 
I know how corny that sounds but, like I said, Laura is the
love of my life. Though I suppose now I have to make that the past tense,
right? She WAS the love of my life.

Anyway, after a
few beers with Billy, I told him about my threesome fantasy.

He laughed out
loud and slapped the table with the flat of his hand. ‘I’ve had dozens of
threesomes, mate. Dozens. Foursomes, too. Went with five girls once.’

I nearly choked
on my beer when I heard that. Five?

Billy told me
that it had happened in a place called The Eden Club, in Bangkok, not far from
Nana Plaza where I’d been with Laura before we flew to Phuket.
 
Billy was there about ten years ago,
and back then there was a downstairs bar where you got to drink with the girls,
then you chose the girls you wanted and took them upstairs. The Eden Club
specialised in threesomes, but you could take as many as you want. When it came
time to make your choice, the girls lined up against a wall. There was a red
line running from the ceiling to the floor about halfway down the wall and
according to Billy the girls who stood to the left of the line would do anal
and the girls on the right wouldn’t. Good to know, I suppose, but I’ve never
been interested in that sort of thing. And I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it to
Laura. She’d be horrified, I’m sure.

Billy was a
regular at The Eden Club, and one night, after a few too many drinks, he took
five girls up to the VIP room. The VIP room had a huge bed, ten feet square,
and an ensuite bathroom with three showers and two toilets. By the bed was a
massive bowl of condoms and a dozen tubes of KY Jelly, and in a cupboard was a
stack of dildos and strap-ons.

I listened
open-mouthed as Billy told me everything that had happened in the VIP room. And
when he’d finished he raised his bottle of Singha in salute and said that I
should head for The Eden Club when I got back to Bangkok.

But I explained
to Billy that it wasn’t just a threesome that I wanted – it was a
threesome with Laura.

Billy didn’t seem
to understand that. He had been married but had divorced his wife after he left
the army and had never been tempted since. ‘Why buy when you can rent?’ he said
to me.

I tried to
explain that Laura was the love of my life and the fantasy was for me to be in
bed with her and another woman, but he just shook his head and said that I was
crazy.

We moved on to
another go-go bar and had another couple of beers, and I was just about to say
goodnight and head back to the room when Billy suddenly slapped me on the back.
‘I’ve got it,’ he said. ‘A massage. That’s the way to do it.’

‘To do what?’ I
said.

‘To get the
missus ready for a threesome. You’ve had a massage here, right?’

Sure, I’d had
loads. That’s one of the great things about Thailand, the availability of cheap
massages. Most days Laura and I would go to a massage place and sit in a comfy
chair while a woman kneaded away at our feet. An hour’s foot massage cost a few
quid and it was a great way of relaxing. We’d both had the full Thai massage,
too, where you wear cotton pyjamas and lie down on a matt while a masseuse
gives you a real going over. They’re really good at it, getting right into your
joints and muscles and sorting out all the kinks.

I explained that
to Billy but he laughed and pounded me on the back again. ‘I’m talking about a
soapy,’ he said. ‘A soapy massage.’

A soapy,
according to Billy, was a full-on sexual massage. It started with an assisted
bath where the girl washes you all over, then she takes you out of the bath and
puts you on an inflatable bed thing. She covers herself with soap and rubs
herself all over you and then she makes love to you. Or she lies you on a bed
and covers you with baby oil.
 
‘Shouldn’t cost more than a couple of thousand baht,’ said Billy. About
forty quid.

‘I’m not sure
that Laura would be up for that,’ I said.

‘Not if you tell
her up front,’ said Billy. ‘But get a few drinks in her first. And tell her
it’s just a regular massage. By the time the girl has slipped into the bath
it’ll be too late for her to say anything. Plus you’ll have two girls so you
can choose the one that’s most up for it.’

‘Do you think
it’ll work?’ I asked.

‘Damn sure,’ said
Billy. ‘You could have a word with the girls first, tell them to skip the soap
and just to give your missus a sexy massage on the bed. They’re experts, the
girls, they’ll get her all horny and then you’re in like Flynn.’

I told Billy that
we were going back to Bangkok the next day and he said that was perfect because
he knew a terrific massage place on Sukhumvit Soi 33. It was called Teen
Massage and it had some really pretty girls and a room with a bathtub big
enough for four.
 
Billy said all I
had to do was to take her bar-hopping down Soi 33 until I got to Teen Massage
and then I could suggest a massage and that would be that.

It seemed like a
great plan all the way back to our hotel room, but when I woke up the next
morning I wasn’t so sure. We flew back to Bangkok and checked in at the
Landmark Hotel at about four o’clock in the afternoon.
 
I tried to persuade Laura to go out
that night but she said she was tired and just wanted a quiet dinner. We ended
up having steaks at the Rib Room on the top floor of the hotel and I have to
say it was spectacular, great food and amazing views over the city.
 
We drank a bottle of wine between us and
then we went back to the room.
 
Laura started kissing me as soon as the door had closed and we made love
on the bed with curtains open and the lights of the city in front of us.
 
It was great sex but I have to admit
while I was making love to her I was imagining another girl in the bed with us,
one of the dancers I’d seen in the last go-go bar I’d been in with Billy.

The next day we
did some last minute shopping and picked up the dresses and suits that the
Indian tailor had made. The guy had done a good job, the suits fitted perfectly
and Laura’s dresses were amazing. I suggested that she wear one of them when we
went out that night.
 
I said that
as it was our last night we should do some bar-hopping in an area we’d not
visited before and luckily she agreed. I told her I’d heard good things about
the bars in Sukhumvit Soi 33 and she said fine, she was happy to go
anywhere.
 
So far, so good.

We got a taxi
from the hotel and it dropped us at the end of the road, not far from the
Skytrain station. A lot of the bars down Soi 33 are named after artists so
there’s a Monet, a Goya, a Renoir
 
a Van Gogh, you get the drift? They’re all pretty much the same,
up-market bars with Thai girls in evening dresses. There’s no go-go dancing or
loud music and most of the customers seemed to be foreigners in suits, I guess
they were expats who had come from work. The girls were prettier than we’d seen
in the bars of Nana Plaza and spoke better English.
 
We went from bar to bar and I kept plying Laura with
drinks.
 
We’d sit at the bar and
chat with the girls and I’d buy a round of shots. Laura loves shots and we got
through a dozen or so by the time we reached Teen Massage.