Asian Heat (5 page)

So, like I said
at the beginning, be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. I got
my threesome all right, but it ruined my life. I lost everything.
 
It was all my own fault. If I hadn’t
put her together with the two Thai girls we’d still be living happily ever
after in Skegness.
 
I’d have a wife
and a job and probably kids down the line. But now I’ve got nothing. Absolutely
nothing. And the kicker is that I didn’t even get to join in the
threesome.
 
Serves me right, I
suppose.

###

THE ALPHABET GAME

This happened to
a friend of mine, cross my heart and hope to die.
 
He told me the story one night while we were sitting outside
Pretty Lady Bar in Nana Plaza. He’d had a fair bit to drink which is why he
opened up because I don’t think he would have told me otherwise.
 
His name’s Dave and he’s from some
northern town in the United Kingdom, Newcastle or Durham, one of those cities where
you struggle to understand what they’re saying.
 
Dave drove a minicab in the UK and saved every penny so that
he could take three holidays a year in Thailand. Dave had started going bald at
a young age and by the time he’d hit his late twenties he’d thrown in the towel
and shaved off what little hair he had left. He’d been a bit of a boxer in his
youth and had acquired a broken nose and a couple of tattoos and by the time he
hit thirty he wasn’t doing particularly well in the female stakes.
 
To put it bluntly, the average English
girl found Dave as attractive as a case of cystitis.

The way Dave
tells it, he had a dry spot lasting three years until one of his pals suggested
a boy’s trip to Thailand. The Land Of Smiles changed Dave’s life forever. In
the bars of Bangkok and Pattaya he wasn’t a bald tattooed bruiser;
 
he was Khun Dave, a Hansum Man.
 
On his first trip he had more sex in
ten days than he’d had over the previous five years and he was hooked.
 
By the time I’d run into him he had
made a dozen trips to Thailand and knew pretty much every go-go bar and massage
parlour worth knowing.
 
Dave would
have loved to have moved to Thailand, but the only jobs he’d be able to do
would pay him a fraction of what he earned in the UK. So he worked and saved and
three times a year came to Thailand and lived like a king.

It was on his
third or fourth trip when Dave had started playing what he called The Alphabet
Game. He’d been sitting in a Soi Cowboy go-go bar, as horny as hell, when he’d
spotted a fit young dancer doing her thing around a chrome pole. He’d waved her
over and bought her a drink and started the normal back and forth. “Where you
from?”, “what your name?”, “what hotel you stay?” Her name was Ay.
 
Dave had barfined a few Ays during his
frequent trips to The Land Of Smiles, it was a pretty common nickname.
 
She was from Korat, in the north-east
of the country, tall and as fit as a butcher’s dog with enhanced breasts and a
tattoo of a scorpion on her shoulder.
 
Ay pointed out another dancer, this one with a dragon tattooed down the
side of one leg, and told him that she was her best friend, also from Korat.
Her name was Bee.

Dave had laughed
at the names and bought both girls drinks, then at midnight he’d barfined them
both and taken them to a short-time hotel.
 
The sex, he told me, had been amazing. The two girls had
obviously worked together before and he said they seemed to enjoy it as much as
he did. Ay came at least three times he said, screaming so loud that at one
point Bee had put a pillow over her face. He spent an hour with them, then they
went back to the bar and Dave went back to his hotel, a thousand-baht a night
place close to Nana Plaza.

As he lay alone
in his bed, he started to think about Ay and Bee.
 
The nicknames were quite common in Thailand.
 
Parents gave their kids formal names, usually
several syllables long, but they always also gave them short nicknames.
 
A Thai might have different nicknames
depending on the group they were in – family, friends or colleagues.

Dave had already
been with a Dee, a massage girl in Soi 23.
 
And a girl called Eye who danced in Sheba’s in Soi
Cowboy.
 
And there had been a Jay
in one of the upstairs bars in Nana Plaza and a Kay who had been a freelancer
in the German Bar who had cost him three thousand baht for short-time and had
given him the clap.
 

He had once been
long-time with a skinny dancer from Rainbow Four in Nana Plaza called Em.
 
He’d been with a girl from Lao called
Tee, which was as close to the end of the alphabet that he’d been. So in all
he’d had eight letters of the alphabet, which was pretty good going.
 
And that was when he’d come up with
what he called The Alphabet Game.
 
He decided to see if he could complete the full set and have sex with
every letter of the alphabet. He realised that he was unlikely to meet a “Q” or
a “W” but he figured he’d be able to find most of the missing letters if he
looked hard enough.

He would go from
bar to bar, buy the mamasan a drink, and start asking her about the names of
the girls who worked for her.
 
He
was careful because he knew that the mamasans were devious when it came to
money and they’d happily lie about a girl’s name if that would encourage him to
pay her bar fine.
 
Anyway, he found
an Oh pretty quickly, a chubby girl who danced in Sheba’s, and the following
day he barfined a Gee in the Long Gun Bar in Soi Cowboy.

He had to go back
to the UK to replenish his coffers, but as soon as he got back to the Land Of
Smiles he went straight into game mode. He found an Isarn girl called Elle
working in a pool bar near Soi 7 and while she wasn’t at all pretty and the sex
had been perfunctory at best, she still counted.
 
He heard about a go-go dancer called Cee who worked in Baby
Dolls Bar in Pattaya. She was a popular girl and he had to visit the bar half a
dozen times before he managed to barfine her and even then she would only stay
an hour for fifteen hundred baht.
 
Cee was a trooper, she was on top of him almost as soon as they set foot
in his hotel room, he came within three minutes and she left without even
showering. It wasn’t Dave’s greatest Thailand sexual experience, but it still
counted.

On the trip after
that he managed to add just one name to his collection – a pretty
waitress called Yu.
 
She was a
sweet little thing and Dave did worry that she might be underage but she showed
him her ID card and she was actually twenty one. She was painfully shy and
although she let him pay her barfine and went back to his hotel with him, she
wouldn’t let him in the bathroom while she showered and insisted on the light
being off before she would get into bed with him.
 
She was what Dave called a starfish – a girl who just
lay on her back with her arms and legs out while she waited for him to get on
with it. Her heart clearly wasn’t in it and under normal circumstances he would
have asked her to leave but she was the only Yu he’d ever come across and he
wasn’t sure that he’d ever find another.

On the next trip
he failed to add any letters to his list, and the trip after that was also
fruitless. Dave began to wonder if he’d reached the limit.
 
He figured that perhaps there were some
letters that he would never get - hardly surprising, I guess, because I doubt
any Thai would think about calling their offspring ‘W’ or ‘P’ or ‘X’.

He did get a ‘P’
eventually, but only by bending the rules slightly.
 
A younger Thai will add the word Pee in front of the
nickname, as a sign of respect. So a young girl might refer to an older girl
called Da as Pee-Da.
 
Well, he was
sitting in a beer bar off Walking Street in Pattaya when he heard the girls
talking to one of the mamasans, referring to her as ‘Pee-Joy.’
 
The mamasan was in her early fifties
with large breasts and a cute smile so he persuaded her to let him pay her bar
fine and take her back to the hotel.
 
It had been some years since a customer had taken her out and as they walked
out of the bar together, all the dancers cheered and applauded.
 
Pee-Joy was grateful for the attention
and repaid Dave with the most amazing sex he’d had in a long while.
 
She had worked the bars of Pattaya for
more than twenty years during which time she’d picked up a few tricks most of
which she was more than happy to share with Dave. He’d planned to be with her
for only an hour or so but she ended up staying for a week, moving out of his
hotel room only because one of her three foreign husbands had arrived from
England.
 
The entrepreneurial
Pee-Joy had two other foreign husbands, one in Germany and one in Sweden. All
three thought they were paying for her four-bedroom house in Jontiem, her pick
up truck and paying to put her two children through university.

It was around
this time Dave started telling people about The Alphabet Game, and he was
surprised to find there were other guys around who had been trying the same
thing, though none of them came close to his score. That was when he heard
about Vee.
  
Dave ran into a
Norwegian guy had been looking for a Vee and had actually found one. The bad
news was that Vee was a ladyboy dancing in the Cascade Bar in Nana Plaza. The
Norwegian guy said
 
he considered
barfining the ladyboy but eventually decided against it and was still looking
for a Vee to add to his collection.

Dave wasn’t a fan
of ladyboys but, like most guys who made repeat visits to Thailand, he’d been
in the odd ladyboy bar; just for a look-see.
 
He’d had the occasional ladyboy dancer sit next to him and
done the obligatory checks to see what their breasts felt like, but that was as
far as he’d gone.
 
This time he
decided it was worth a visit , so he drank half a dozen bottles of Singha beer
in The Big Dog’s Bar for Dutch courage and then made his way up to the Cascade
Bar.

Cascade is one of
the biggest bars in Nana Plaza, done out like a grotto with fake rock
walls.
  
All the ‘girls’ are
‘guys’, though it has to be said that some of them look just like the real
thing. In fact many a tourist has wandered into Cascade and wandered out with a
ladyboy on his arm and no idea what he was about to let himself in for.
 
Dave knew the score though, so he took
a seat at the back and ordered a beer. Even before a ladyboy waitress had taken
his order, Dave was surrounded by a group of the more aggressive dancers all
insisting that he allow them to join him.
 
“Vee,” said Dave, “I’m looking for Vee.”

The girls started
shouting for Vee and a tall ladyboy with waist-length hair appeared. She was
just under six feet tall in her heels and had a tattoo of a butterfly on her
left ankle.
 
She sat down next to
Dave and he bought her a drink as he decided what to do next. The problem was,
the whole point of The Alphabet Game was to have sex with the girls, or at the
very least, sexual relations, according to the Bill Clinton definition.
 
And Slick Willie had pretty much
determined that being the recipient of a blow job wasn’t included in the
definition of sexual relations. For Vee to count, full sex had to take
place.
 
Now the way Dave tells it,
there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of him letting Vee’s dick anywhere
near his back passage. Which meant that to get Vee on the list, he was going to
have to do the business.
 

So Dave sat in
the bar and drank another three beers as Vee manfully played with Dave’s tackle
and eventually Dave felt a stirring down below. He paid Vee’s barfine and they
headed for a short-time hotel in the plaza.
 
The beer helped dull Dave’s senses, but there was still no
getting away from the fact that Vee was a ladyboy, and a very well endowed one
at that. In fact, Vee’s dick was a good two inches longer than Dave’s and about
twice as thick.
 
Dave had Vee lie
face down on the bed but try as he might he just couldn’t get hard.
 
Part of the problem was that face down,
with Vee’s enormous breasts hidden, there was no getting away from the fact
that the rear view was very much that of a Thai male.

Well, Vee
realised that things weren’t going well so she decided to help things along.
She gave Dave some very enthusiastic oral and a few minutes of breast massage
but instead of turning Dave on it actually had the opposite effect because
Vee’s erection was pretty impressive and very discouraging. In fact, Vee got so
excited that she offered to take Dave’s virginity for free.
 
Dave declined, but then had a bit of a
brainwave.

He told Vee to
get dressed and took her down to Rainbow Four, which has the prettiest go-go
dancers in Nana Plaza, mainly to satisfy the Japanese clientele who frequented
the bar. It took him a while to find a dancer who would agree to go with Dave
and Vee, and even then the girl insisted on three thousand baht for short-time,
double the going rate. The girl was Annie, a bit on the plump side with large
breasts and soft white skin that had yet to be adulterated with tattoos. Dave
paid Annie’s barfine and took her and Vee back up to the short-time hotel, much
to the amusement of the reception staff.
 
Dave didn’t have any condoms with him so he had to buy one. The
reception staff offered him two, but Dave said that wouldn’t be necessary,
which turned their amusement into confusion.