Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (3 page)

My head is spinning with ‘what ifs’.

OffLand18 says: You still there? You’ve been quiet for a while.

BabyDove94 says: Yeah! Sorry, I was just thinking about stuff. I must have gone to my own little world there for a minute. Sorry.

OffLand18 says: You never have to apologize to me. I hope nothing I said upset you?

BabyDove94 says: No! Things are just confusing me right now.

OffLand18 says: Like what? Talk to me.

BabyDove94 says: Honestly?

OffLand18 says: Always. I want to know everything inside that pretty little head of yours.

BabyDove94 says: You don’t know I have a pretty little head…

OffLand18 says: I know you could never be anything less than beautiful.

Oh God.
How do I handle this? I feel like he’s done a complete one-eighty on me. Maybe my parents’ death has given him an awful sense of mortality, too. I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend; he could have. He’s told me he doesn’t, but does that make it true?

What’s wrong with me?
Thirty minutes ago I would have said I trust him implicitly, and now I’m certain he’s leading a double-life? 

Get a grip, Natalie.

I should just be honest with him. Honesty is what I want from him, after all.

BabyDove94 says: I’m scared…

OffLand18 says: Of what? Me?

BabyDove94 says: Not exactly… Yes and no. I’m developing real feelings for you and it scares me. I’m scared you won’t feel the same. That if we meet, it will ruin everything.

OffLand18 says: We haven’t even exchanged numbers. No one’s saying anything about meeting…yet. But I feel like we should open up to that possibility. I do have real feelings for you, baby. I imagine you and what it would be like to be with you, always. I can’t stop thinking about you.

BabyDove94 says: I feel the same way.

OffLand18 says: I want to see you, but I don’t think pictures are a good idea just yet. Describe yourself to me. I need to know if how I imagine you is even close to the reality.

We’ve been chatting for five years, but never really described our looks to one another and definitely never exchanged pictures. It seemed unnecessary, but now it seems so necessary. I wish I knew what he really looks like. I wish I knew if he looks as I imagine – tall with a lean, ripped body, dark hair and light eyes –
Please Lord. 

Come to think of it, that’s exactly what Ryan looks like now.

Gah! NO Ryan thinkage!

I wouldn’t say I’m beautiful, but I think I’m sort of pretty in my own, quirky way. That’s what some people tell me. I wouldn’t say I have a perfect body, by any means, but I guess I should just be real about it. I don’t want to give the guy false hopes, do I?
Nope.

BabyDove94 says: Well, let’s see… I have long, wavy blonde hair (natural, not bottle), kind of a round face with big blue eyes (a little too big, if you ask me). I don’t wear heavy makeup. I’m not really overweight, but I’m not athletic either. My hips are too wide and my ass is too big, but other than that I guess I’m cute in an awkward sort of way.

OffLand18 says: I’m so hard for you, baby. You sound perfect to me.

What the…
Okay, this is new. I don’t know how to deal with this. Guys that say crap like that to me would usually be dismissed, quickly. I’m not that kind of girl, but this is Land.
My
Land. My best friend. We care about each other, deeply. I don’t know what to say to that, though. I have no experience with this kind of conversation.

Awkward. What do I do?

OffLand18 says: I’m sorry. I know you think guys who say shit like that are creepy assholes. I just wanted you to know how you affect me. It’s the truth, and I only ever want to be honest with you. You’ve been quiet a long time. Say something, please?

BabyDove94 says: I like…that I affect you. I don’t think I’ve ever had that effect on anyone. It’s kind of sad seeing as I’m 21 lol.

Shit!
As soon as I hit send, I realize I’ve just blurted my real age. I hope he’s not mad at me for that slip-up
.

OffLand18 says: I can guarantee you, you have. I want to tell you all the things I’m thinking right now, but I don’t want to scare you off. 21 or not, I’m not sure you’re ready.

Okay, I’m too damn curious to stop this.

Curiosity killed the cat, Natalie!

Whatever, I’m so tired of being careful. Also, he doesn’t seem mad at me for blurting my real age, which is a plus, and makes me feel bolder.

BabyDove94 says: Tell me.

OffLand18 says: I’m thinking about you on top of me. What are you wearing?

BabyDove94: That’s such a cliché thing to ask lol. White cut-off jean shorts and a pink tank top, if you must know.

OffLand18 says: I must ;) Sounds perfect to me. I’m thinking of you on top of me in your shorts that I’m imagining barely cover your beautiful ass. I’m sliding a hand up that pretty pink top. The other hand is gripping your hip as you grind on top of me.

Good Lord!
I can feel my skin flushing all over as I read his thoughts. I’ve never, ever been spoken to like this, online or in person, and I’ve never spoken about or done anything like what Land is describing.

It’s so hot!
It’s making me feel all tingly, in all the right places. Grinding? I don’t grind...but I think I might like to.

OffLand18 says: How do you think it would feel, baby? Being on top of me?

I’m getting out of my depth here. What am I thinking, carrying on this conversation?

BabyDove94 says: Good…

OffLand18 says: You’ve never done this before, have you Little Dove?

BabyDove94 says: I’m sorry. It’s so obvious, isn’t it?

OffLand18 says: Don’t be sorry for your innocence. It’s beautiful. I love knowing you’ve never been like this with anyone else. Have you ever been with a guy before, baby?

This is just humiliating.
Make it stop!

BabyDove94 says: No. I mean, there’s been an awkward kiss here and there, but nothing more. Ugh, I’m so embarrassed.

OffLand18 says: Don’t be. You’re so perfect. Tell me you’ll wait for me.

BabyDove94 says: What do you mean?

OffLand18 says: Tell me you won’t give yourself to another guy. Tell me you’ll wait for us to meet. I want you so much. I can’t stand the thought of someone else touching you. Please.

Shit!

I want to tell him what he wants to hear, so bad, but is this moving too quickly? My head is spinning and I feel dizzy trying to consider everything at once. And my body is still doing that annoying, yet delicious, tingly thing.

Screw it.
Just the thought of being with Land and only him is putting a huge grin on my face. My first genuine smile in a week.

BabyDove94 says: Okay, I want to wait for you. I will wait for you.

OffLand18 says: That’s so amazing. You’ve made me the happiest guy in the world right now. Listen, baby, I have to run. I don’t want to stop talking to you, but I’ve got something I really need to take care of. I’ll be online at the same time tomorrow. Dream of me tonight x

OffLand18 is offline.

Before I can respond, he’s gone. I would dream of him, if I knew what he looked like. I now realize I didn’t get a description or any kind of promises for the future from him, yet he got both from me. 

How is this relationship already so one-sided?

As I sit staring at my laptop screen, feeling stunned and also bereft due to Land’s sudden departure, I hear Ryan’s door open and close, then the bathroom door. That brings me back to reality.

I haven’t heard Nate come into the apartment yet, but he could have gotten back when I was in the shower, too. No, he would have come to check on me by now. I don’t want to go out there if it’s just me and Ryan in the apartment.

Awkward much!

But I feel a little anxious and being alone when I feel that way isn’t the best thing for me, I’ve learned. 

Come on, Nate, come home.

I tap my foot, a jittery feeling coursing through me like I’ve consumed too much caffeine, when I actually haven’t had a drop. I could just call him and find out how long he’ll be, but I don’t want to worry him when I’ve only just got here. He’ll hear the anxiety in my tone and drop whatever he’s doing. I don’t want to disrupt his schedule – his life – for me. He’s done enough already. Maybe if I just text him under the ruse of wanting to know when dinner will be here;
that’ll work.

Me: Hey big bro. ETA on dinner? I just want to know if I should get a snack or wait it out :) x

His response only takes a couple of minutes.

Nate: Hey Little N. No snacking before dinner! I’ll be home in 5 minutes. I just picked up your favorite :) x

Yes!
Nate will be home soon, and with Chinese takeout. I already feel a little calmer. I hear the bathroom door again, followed by Ryan’s door…again. I wonder why he’s in his room so much. They’ve got that huge TV out there and all those DVDs. Doesn’t he like hanging out in the living room?

Whatever.
I don’t even know why I’m thinking about that jerk. Other than the brief, odd moment in the stairwell earlier, he’s never said a kind word to me. I’ve only ever received insults, glares or smirks, and I don’t know which one I dislike the most. But we need to get along for Nate’s sake. He doesn’t want to live with two squabbling teenagers.

Maybe the thing with Ryan earlier was like a peace-offering. Maybe he’s done with tormenting me now we’re both grown adults.

Maybe we can be…friends?
That thought is unsettling and has me all sorts of confused, but I have no more time to ponder it, because that’s the moment I hear the front door being opened and closed.

“Food’s here!” Nate calls out down the hallway.

I close my laptop, closing my eyes briefly at the thought of my earlier conversation with Land. I quickly dismiss it, check how I look in the mirror (not because I want to look good for Ryan), and exit my room closing the door softly behind me.

I practically skip down the hall and out to the living room. Nate arriving home has really lifted me out of my funk. The knot in my stomach is almost non-existent when I bound up to the kitchen counter, where he’s setting down the takeout boxes.

“Hey, I can’t believe you got my fave! It’s been so long since I’ve had Chinese takeout. Thank you.” I smile at my brother and give him a peck on the cheek. I take a deep breath, inhaling the delightful aromas emanating from the boxes, and I practically start drooling.

Nate chuckles and says, “You’re welcome sweetie.” He ruffles my hair as he walks past me to turn on the TV. “There’s a show on HGTV I want to watch while we eat. Do you mind?”

My brother watches HGTV, by choice, and is straight; a rare combination, in my limited experience...and it is very limited. I smile and look over to him whilst I’m fumbling with takeout boxes.

“Of course not, you know I love me some HGTV.” 

At that moment Ryan emerges from the hallway dressed in nothing but a pair of dark, worn jeans, looking right at me and the knot in my stomach comes back with a vengeance. My eyes catch the glint of his lip piercing, which I didn’t notice he had earlier, and I think I’d like to play with it with my tongue.

Whoa!
Momentarily stunned into ‘horny teenager’ mode, I drop one of the boxes, sending noodles all over the floor.

“Shit!” I sigh, annoyed with myself for being affected by Ryan, and sad for the delicious noodle casualty all over the kitchen floor. Nate jogs over to me when he realizes what’s happened.

“No worries, I got like five boxes of that stuff. Here, I’ll clean that, you serve up our dinner.”

I glance over to Ryan, who’s now standing at the other side of the breakfast bar, right in front of me…shirtless.

Sweet baby Jesus!
His torso is all lean muscle, but not too bulky. Like he hits the gym several times a week, but hasn’t become obsessed with it. A gorgeous Celtic tattoo spreads from his left shoulder and across his pectoral, where I spy a pierced nipple. His right arm is covered in a full sleeve of varying artwork, including some script I can’t quite make out. There’s also some script on the underside of his left forearm and another Celtic design on his right hip, dipping into the waist of his low-slung jeans. I’m practically drooling all over our dinner, and not because of the aromas coming from the food. 

Turn away, right now!

I blink hard, trying to clear my lust-filled brain. “Um…ar-are you eating w-with us, Ryan?” Wow, I almost got that sentence out without stuttering, a
lmost.
Apparently I’ve developed a late onset speech impediment since moving here this afternoon.
Awesome
.

“If you’re planning on feeding me the floor noodles, then I’ll pass. Thanks,” he says with an amused smirk.

That darn smirk! 

He has a perfect amount of stubble on his face and his entire appearance right now is doing strange things to my body. My brother snaps me out of my momentary daze.

“Do you have to walk around half naked, dude? My sister’s living here now, remember? We talked about this,” Nate says, whilst cleaning up my mess.

They talked about this?

“Oh, I remember, and I don’t hear her complaining. Are you Natty?” Ryan asks, staring straight at me, whilst I try to not drop another box of food.

My brother loves me, but that might change if I make another mess on his shiny floor so soon after the last.

“Uh…I…w-whatever. Why would I care what you wear?” There, that was a normal response…sort of.

“See bro, sis doesn’t give a shit. Now please tell me you got my General Tso’s chicken?” Ryan says, rounding the breakfast bar and peering over my shoulder at the boxes I’ve now opened.

He’s right over my shoulder. Like,
right there
. I can feel his warm breath on my ear.

Hmm, minty.

I realize he must have just got done in the shower when a bead of water drips from his dark hair onto my shoulder. It’s short on the sides and a few inches long on top, so as he leans over it falls in a tousled mess over his forehead.

I’d like to run my hands through it.

“Like what you see darlin’?” he whispers in my ear so only I can hear, before retreating back down the hallway with his chicken and a plastic fork that came with the takeout.

“N-no noodles?” I query to his retreating form.

Really? Noodles? That’s all I have to say about what just happened?
And why am I stopping him from leaving? I feel far more at ease when he’s not around making my eyes wander and my heart race.

“Nope, I’m good. Thanks, though, Natty,” he says, glancing back at me with a wink.

Oh Lord.

I hear his door close softly and don’t see him again for the rest of the night.

Sigh.

* * *

After eating, cleaning up our mess and watching some more HGTV on the big sectional couch, I kiss Nate on the cheek and tell him goodnight.

“I’m exhausted,” I lie. I’m emotionally drained, but not tired enough for sleep. I really just want to fire-up the laptop one last time and see if Land is there. I know he said he wouldn’t be online until tomorrow, but I can hope. I’m feeling antsy since the incident with Ryan at dinnertime and a chat with Land will distract me.

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll be up and out early tomorrow. I’ve got to start that job I quoted today, all right?” Nate asks, cautiously.

“Of course it’s all right, silly. It’s your job. I’m sure I can find some writing jobs online tomorrow. You know, try and get back to normal life,” I say unconvincingly. 

I earn a modest living freelance writing for various clients online – mostly people or companies who can’t/won’t write their own articles, press releases or product descriptions for themselves. It’s not glamorous, but it pays the bills. Some of them, anyway; I’ll probably need to pick up a regular job of some kind to help pay my way around here, though I’m sure Nate will argue with me on that point. I might let him win that argument if my anxiety keeps rearing its ugly head the way it’s been doing of late.

What I really want is to be an author; I want to have an emotional impact on people with my writing, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have the guts to put myself out there like that.
Story of my life.

“Okay, good. That’s really good, Nat. Just text or call if you need me tomorrow, okay?”

“I will, but you don’t need to worry about me, I promise. Goodnight.”

“G’night, Little N,” he says with a sweet smile before turning back to the TV, and I retreat to my room, swiftly.

As soon as I’ve closed the bedroom door, I hastily open up the laptop. I feel hopeful as I enter my login details in the chat room…

OffLand18 is offline.

* * *

I stay logged on to the chat room for about twenty minutes, before conceding that Land was obviously telling the truth when he said he wouldn’t be online until tomorrow. 

Well, this sucks.
 

I can’t help but feel sad. This is a good example of why I need to adjust my expectations of people. They can’t let you down if you don’t expect anything from them.
Expectation is the root of all heartache, after all. 

I’m not mad at Land for not being there; that would be irrational. He told me he wouldn’t be, but that doesn’t stop the feeling of disappointment weighing heavy in my chest.

I really just want a distraction. Talking to Land takes my mind off of…everything. An escape from reality. I need him right now. To take me away from the shit-storm my life has turned into.

Two weeks ago I had my parents and we had recently had Nate home, visiting for his twenty-fifth birthday. I was starting to think about the next chapter of my life and how I wanted to find my own apartment once I saved enough from my writing jobs, and about starting my first novel.

Now, my parents are gone, my lifelong home is being sold to the highest bidder and I’m relying on my brother to pick up the pieces, because I’ve not developed the confidence to stand on my own two feet in this world. It makes me frustrated and anxious. My anxiety is just another thing I’m beholden to. It’s why I was so reliant on my parents at the age of twenty-one, and why I need Nate so much now that they’re gone.

Feeling frustrated, I slam my laptop closed, relieved to not hear the crack of the screen, and get changed into my pajama top and shorts. After going to the bathroom to wash my face, stare sadly at my glassy eyes for a moment and brush my teeth, I pull back the covers of my new bed and climb in. 

I try reading a few more chapters of the romance novel I’m currently into, giving up after going over the same page three times, unable to concentrate on anything but the scenarios playing on a loop in my brain.

I turn the bedside lamp off and try to get comfortable, hoping that if I clear my mind and attempt to relax, I’ll drift off to sleep. But the silence is deafening and my mind is consumed with everything that’s happened, and thoughts of Land…and of Ryan. 

I toss and turn, becoming more agitated the harder I try to fall asleep.

The tears begin to fall, making the sheets damp beneath my cheek. I sob into my pillow, feeling helpless until the early hours of the morning, when I finally fall into a restless sleep filled with car crashes and cruel boys.