Damaged and the Bulldog (9 page)

Returning home from my date with Dylan, I didn’t even
want a shower. I enjoyed an hour of TV with Harlow and a sleepy Jace. When we
headed to bed, I glanced at Cookie Monster. I felt too happy for my security
blanket. Hell, I even fell asleep with a smile on my face.

My dream was vivid in a way my dreams never were and I
remembered things I’d long forgotten.

Sugar Bum’s sweaty body felt so heavy on top of me.
His grunts echoing in my head, I couldn’t escape the reality of him inside me.
When he licked me with his dirty tongue, I closed my eyes and wished I was
dead.

“Oh, Ona,” he moaned, finishing with hard thrusts.

I said nothing. I never spoke anymore. Sugar Bum
didn’t care. The only thing he wanted me to say was “daddy,” but I wouldn’t do
it. When he was inside me, I shut down until I could barely remember my name.

After he was done, he yanked me out of bed by my hair
and dragged me to the door. Outside waited more men from the club. Like wolves
hungry for a fresh kill, they eyed me as Sugar Bum shoved me onto the parking
lot.

“I’m done,” he said, yawning. “Who’s next?”

The sound of his slamming door was like a starter’s
pistol as Sugar Bum left me to be fought over by the others. I covered my head
while the men bashed into each other around me. The fight lasted until the
winner was so bloodied and enraged that my body took the punishment remaining
from his adrenaline rush. The losers were as violent when they got their turns.
Eventually, I felt nothing at all. I often prayed to die, so I’d never feel
anything again.

Waking to someone shaking me, I realized I was
screaming. Much like I couldn’t find my voice in the past, I now couldn’t turn
it off. Mom consoled me while Dad was on the phone with someone. I also saw
Harlow and Jace staring at me from the doorway.

These people weren’t real, not like the dream had
been. This house and my life in Ellsberg were a fantasy. Only the hell with
Sugar Bum was real and I was drowning in the memories.

Mom hugged me and spoke in soft tones, but I
understood nothing over my screaming. Dad left the room then returned with the
emergency medication prescribed by Doctor Koryluk. I stared at him, unable to
stop screaming. While Mom held my wrists to keep me from clawing at my face,
Dad fumbled with the medicine bottle. All I heard was my screaming and the
cussing of men fighting to fuck me next.

“Shut up, Winona!” Dad yelled, startling me.

He stood bigger than usual and his face was ugly like
the monsters I feared.

“Take this pill!” he demanded.

Shaking, I obeyed for the same reason I obeyed Sugar
Bum. Compliance was better than pain.

I rocked back against the headboard, pushing away
Mom’s tender touch. The screaming was over, replaced by fear of the man
standing nearby. Occasionally, I noticed my brother and sister peeking at me
from the doorway. I wanted to tell them to run before the monster got them too,
but my voice didn’t work now.

Soon, the medicine made me drowsy and I no longer
rocked. My body rested lazily against the headboard as Mom cleaned the
scratches on my arms. The memories of Sugar Bum and his club faded into a long
ago nightmare.

Harlow and Mom helped me into the shower to clean up
the mess I’d made. So numb from the medicine, I couldn’t even feel the water on
my skin.

I returned to the bedroom to find Dad had changed my
sheets. He was different now. No longer the monster, he returned to the man who
saved me from a life in foster care. This was the only father I ever knew or
needed.

Sleep didn’t come for a long time. Mom and Dad stayed
with me until Harlow crawled into bed with Cookie Monster. She stared into my
eyes and told me she would keep me safe. I believed her too. Harlow was strong
in ways I wasn’t and she’d saved me before.

Already treating Cooper’s office as a club hangout,
Vaughn was like a destructive toddler on a rampage through the construction
site. Judd sat nearby throwing sunflower seeds at his buddy. I could only
pretend not to notice the mess they were making. After all, they were
enforcers.

Nick arrived for his shift to find mayhem. He frowned
at Vaughn juggling metal pipes then glanced at the seed throwing Judd. Finally,
he looked at me

“What’s in this spray bottle?” he asked me.

“Water and maybe a little bleach.”

Nodding, Nick took the bottle and sprayed Vaughn.

“Hey, dickweed,” Vaughn growled.

Judd pointed a finger at the approaching Nick and
shook his head. “Don’t even think about it.”

“You want to stay dry then stop making a mess.”

Judd glared. Vaughn glared. Nick only smiled and
pointed the bottle.

“What’s it going to be?”

“Asshole,” Vaughn said, wiping his shirt.

Judd said nothing, continuing to glare. He did stop
throwing seeds though.

Nick walked to me and set down the bottle. “You can’t
let them run all over you. Trust me. My old roommate, Danny Boy, was a fucking
slob until I started spraying him and he finally learned to pick up after
himself.”

“Why spray them though?”

“My first roommate had a cat and it worked on her, so
I figured I’d try it on people.”

Leaning forward, I whispered, “They do kill people for
a living.”

Nick rolled his green eyes. “They won’t kill us. In
the future, feel free to spray them if they get out of hand. It works on Bailey
too, by the way.”

I was still laughing about the Bailey comment when
Harlow rushed into the building. She ignored Vaughn’s hello and came straight
for me. Based on her expression, I suspected I was about to get punched.
I
wasn’t wrong.

Harlow got a decent hit in before Vaughn pulled her back.
Her one punch did the trick and I tried to hide how much it hurt. Rubbing my
jaw, I waited for her to explain.

“Calm down, Harlow,” Vaughn said when she struggled to
break loose from his grip.

“Dylan, you fuck! I warned you what Winnie was like!
You said you’d be careful, but you had to be greedy like every other fucking
guy in the world!”

“You think I’m greedy?” Vaughn asked, sounding
offended.

“Not now!” she screamed.

“Shit,” Judd said, standing between Harlow and me.
“What did you do, man?”

I heard the accusation in Judd’s tone. Vaughn’s humor
was also gone. Suddenly, I was the enemy.

“I have no idea.”

Harlow snorted. “You had to push her. What the fuck
did you think would happen?”

“What did happen?” Vaughn asked before I could.

“She had a breakdown last night,” Harlow said and her
words were a punch to my gut. “She’s medicated and barely coherent. That didn’t
even happen when the Devils grabbed us. She was messed up, but not like last
night. You did something.”

“I didn’t…”

Judd focused his gaze on Vaughn. “Take Harlow home.”

“No way,” she cried.

Judd ignored Harlow’s protests as Vaughn shepherded
her out the door. I waited for the enforcer to do what he was paid to do.
Winnie was protected by the Reapers and I hurt her. Despite how much she meant
to me, I’d broken the woman I loved.

“Did you two fuck?” Judd said quietly, directing to
the back of the office where we’d be alone.

Nick came along without being asked. I think he hoped
to protect me, but Judd only had me sit down then asked me the question again.

“No. We got close, but we haven’t had sex.”

Judd nodded. “Girls like Winnie put up a lot of walls
to protect themselves. To get close to a guy, they bring down the walls. Soon
bad shit gets in and reminds them of the pain they want to keep out. My guess
is Winnie freaked out because her walls couldn’t keep the bullshit out.”

“What happens next?” I asked, waiting for him to kick
my ass.

“You be patient. My woman has her issues too. I can’t
snap my fingers and make them go away. If you care about Winnie, you be patient
and wait until she digs her way out of the crap. Maybe going to her will help.
Maybe not. I don’t know Winnie and I’m not a fucking expert about damaged
girls. I just know if you bail now, you don’t get a second chance,” Judd said
then added, “I’ll make sure of that even if her family doesn’t.”

“Understood. I want to see Winnie and know if there’s
anything I can do.”

“I’ll watch the place,” Nick said instantly.

Judd checked his phone. “I’ll call Tad and tell him
you’re coming. Vaughn will talk to Harlow. Go before she gets hold of you
again. I suspect next time she’s going for the balls.”

Leaving Judd and Nick, I didn’t know what to expect to
find when I reached Winnie. Was she lost to me now? I’d seen such a light in
her the last week. Stronger and happier, she was forcing her way into the world
and keeping the fear from stopping her.

Toni answered the door and stared at me for a bit too
long.

“Did Harlow do that to your mouth?” she asked about my
swelling lip.

“Yeah. How is Winnie?”

Toni gestured for me to come inside. “I know you
didn’t hurt her. Harlow is angry, but I know Winnie and I know she would tell
me if you did something. When she came home last night, she was in a really
good mood. Smiling and giggling.”

“We moved too quickly,” I said and my voice broke.

Nodding, Toni gestured for me to follow her. “Winnie
wants it all now. Young people always do. Love makes people especially stupid.”

Toni paused next to a partially open door. “When I met
Tad, he was recently paroled and working as an assistant pastor. I was working
as an architect at a big firm and living in a high rise apartment. I always had
a taste for bad boys, but most of them were losers. Tad was special and I
wouldn’t let him go. My friends figured I was having an early midlife crisis.
My parents thought I might be on drugs. No one understood, but I wanted what I
wanted and I didn’t want to wait.”

Opening the door to the room, Toni studied the bed
where Winnie rested hidden under a comforter.

“It worked out for me, but life’s been harder on
Winnie. She wants what she wants, but she doesn’t have control of herself like
the rest of us. When she’s awake, the past is hidden. When she dreams though…”

I stared in at the top of Winnie’s head and felt
helpless. She trusted me and I’d pushed her too far too fast. Hell, I barely
kept my dick in my pants.

“What should I do?”

“You can try talking to her, if you want. She’s
medicated, but not really sleeping.”

As I stepped into the room, my every movement felt too
loud. Winnie didn’t stir even after I knelt next to her bed.

Her eyes were open, yet unfocused. Her dark hair
covered the right half of her face and she held a Cookie Monster doll. Seeing
nothing in her eyes, I felt a hopelessness I’d never known before.

Part of me wanted to leave her and never look back.
I’d broken someone beautiful and delicate. All those nights I dreamed of having
a chance to show her what kind of man I was, yet I’d destroyed her.

“Will you stay?” Toni asked from behind me. “If you
need to go to work, you could come back later.”

“Should I really stay? Aren’t I the reason she’s like
this?”

“No,” Toni said with a dark expression in her brown
eyes. “Her old father is the reason. The Vandals Motorcycle Club caused this
too. Not you. Do you want to stay?”

I nodded. “I feel selfish to stay, but I can’t leave.”

“Then don’t,” Toni said, tugging a corner chair closer
to the bed. “Watch TV or use your phone or nap. Whatever you need to do to stay
busy, but don’t leave. Winnie needs people to show we still care. That she can lose
control and we’ll still be there when she comes back from it.”

I didn’t know what Toni saw on my face, but she pulled
me into a hug. After a lifetime of cold mother figures, I clung to her and the
warmth she offered. After seeing her daughter suffer again, Toni needed comfort
too.

Soon, I sat in a chair, flipping channels, and
stealing glances at the still dazed Winnie. At one point, Harlow appeared at
the door and glared at me. I waited for her to say something, but she walked
away instead.

Toni brought me a can of Coke then a sandwich. When
she checked on Winnie, her daughter never responded. Later, Tad arrived with a
kitchen chair and sat next to me after kissing the top of Winnie’s head.

“Hardest thing about being a parent is not locking
your kids up to protect them,” he said, staring at the TV. “If I had my way,
Winnie and Harlow would stay at home. No dating. No fighting at the
Thunderdome. Hell, I wouldn’t let them leave without me or their mom with them.
I feel the same about Jace, but he doesn’t want to go anywhere anyway. The
girls are ready to find freedom. They want to grow up, so I have to let them.”

Tad wasn’t anything like my dad. Occasionally, I
wondered if his calm demeanor was a con. I remembered Larry’s habit of playing
the nice guy to trick someone into dishing info he used against them later. I
never shared anything with my dad for this reason. Tad wasn’t Larry though.

“I don’t know the right thing to do with Winnie. She
makes me crazy and I want her so much. I don’t think I can be trusted with
her.”

Tad nodded. “Maybe you can’t. When Winnie is truly
awake, she’ll either reach for you or push you away. If she wants you, what can
you do? Walk away from a woman you need and who needs you too? No, you’ll stay
because you have no choice. The heart falls easily into addiction. Once it
wants something, it doesn’t let go. What can a man do?”

Frowning, I thought about my parents and how their
hearts were never addicted long.

“Both my mom and dad have been married a bunch of
times. They’ve been engaged even more often. I grew up thinking love never
lasted. I didn’t want the fleeting shit for me. I needed one person who made me
happy. A woman I can grow old with. For me, Winnie’s that girl, but I don’t
know if I should be the guy for her.”

“Why not? You having shitty parents don’t mean much,
kid. I had great parents and I turned out like shit for the first thirty years
of my life. I didn’t get better on my own either. Doing time fixed a lot of my
problems because I didn’t have the choice to run away from my demons. You don’t
have that problem. You just need to stay put and wait to see if Winnie is
strong enough to make a life with you.”

Winnie’s eyes were closed, but she wasn’t sleeping. I
doubted she was listening to us either. Her breathing remained serene.

“Sometimes, you need to be an asshole with Winnie,”
Tad said, finishing his beer. “When she gets lost in the past, I have to yell
at her like I’m one of those fucks she’s scared of. It’s the only way to make
her obey long enough to take her medication. It doesn’t happen often. Less and
less as she gets older, but I hate yelling at her. You’ll hate it too, but love
isn’t all picnics. You have to do what’s right, rather than what feels good.”

Staring at Winnie, I couldn’t imagine scaring her on
purpose.

“Am I freaking you out?” Tad asked, wearing a little
grin.

“No, I’m happy you’re not kicking my ass for doing
this to her.”

“Don’t be a whiner,” Tad said, watching Winnie. “You
didn’t do shit. The fuckers who broke her are long dead. We’re the ones picking
up the pieces.”

Nodding, I watched him approach the bed. Winnie moved
around under the covers and her eyes popped open.

“No,” she whimpered.

“What’s your name?” he asked, leaning down.

Her gaze focusing on Tad, she whispered, “Winnie
Todds.”

“Who are your mom and dad?”

“Tad and Toni Todds.”

“Sister and brothers. Don’t forget the dumb one in
prison.”

Winnie smiled slightly. “Harlow, Jace, and Beckett
Todds.”

“Who’s this mopey fella?” he asked, gesturing towards
me.

Winnie focused a moment before her eyes widened.
“Dylan.”

“I need to help Mom with dinner. You two behave or
I’ll send Harlow in as a chaperone. You know she’ll love that.”

Winnie watched her father leave then returned to
staring at me.

“Cookie Monster,” I said, kneeling next to the bed. “I
had a Big Bird when I was a kid.”

Pushing aside the doll, she took my hand. “I live in
Ellsberg. I have a family and friends. You’re my boyfriend.”

I gave her a little grin. “Hell yeah, I am.”

Winnie shivered under the covers. “I’m sorry this
happened.”

“Me too. You deserve to be happy.”

“Will you stay?”

“As long as you’ll let me.”