Dreams (New Beginnings Book 3) (15 page)

Danny wasn’t alone in holding her up anymore. On one hand, she felt disloyal, but on the other, she knew he’d want her to be okay. Happy, even.

Her mom didn’t bring up Josh again and she had a feeling her dad had something to do with that. It surprised her to have her father in her corner like that, but he knew Josh better than most people.

Thanksgiving dinner was just the four of them, and Taylor was glad. Since Danny died, she’d been so focused on herself and her grief that she felt like she hadn’t truly spent time with her family in ages. Even when they’d been together over the last year, everything was subdued, like they’d been afraid to smile in front of her, scared she couldn’t take it.

For the first time, Taylor was able to see how Danny’s death affected other people besides herself. How her reaction to it affected other people. She’d never be sorry for grieving him, but she began to regret how she’d done it.

It was good to see her parents’ playful banter; her mother’s sarcasm and her father’s self-deprecating humor. His team thought he was a hard-ass, but Taylor knew better. And then there was Evie. She’d giggle, and they’d all laugh in response. It was automatic. It was the way things used to be.

That night, Taylor sat on her bed with her laptop resting on her legs. Her cursor hovered over an icon for a Danny video.

“Tay?” her dad asked from the doorway.

She pushed her computer away as he sat next to her on the bed.

“You okay up here?”

She thought about his simple question for a long moment before speaking. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“You think we can love more than one person?”

“Honey, you can love as many people as you choose to open yourself up to.” He nudged her and she laid her head on his shoulder.

“Are you okay with me and Josh?”

“Before the past year happened, I’d have said no. Now I just want to see you smile. My turn to ask a question.”

“Shoot.” She smiled at the way she turned his word back towards him.

“Are you okay with you and Josh?” He gestured to the video folder that was still up on the screen and gave her a concerned look.

“Oh … this … I’m just trying to figure out what to do.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “How’s this – Yes. Josh is what I want. What I need.”

“Then he’s what I want for you too.” He gave her a short side hug, kissing the top of her head, and left her to her thoughts.

She sent a quick message to Josh.

I could really use some French fries tonight.

He responded quickly.

You and your weird naked fries.

Wish you were here,
she typed.

Me too. I want to kiss you so hard right now.

See you soon,
she sent back before putting her phone down. She had a mission tonight. Something she needed to do before going to sleep.

She had two USB drives that she’d wiped clean. Plugging the first one into her computer, she copied all the videos onto it before pulling it out and dropping into the envelope she’d already addressed and stamped.

Danny left home when he was fifteen to play for the Winterhawks. After that, his family only saw him for holidays and part of the summer. It was something they regretted. She knew that because they’d cornered her at the funeral, wanting to know more about their son. She hadn’t been kind. In fact, she’d been pretty horrible to them. A year later, at the memorial service, she’d avoided them altogether.

Taylor had a lot of these videos. Videos that could say everything she hadn’t been able to tell them.

When the second USB was loaded, she went to her closet and pulled out the box she hadn’t opened in a year. It was full of Danny’s things and gifts he’d gotten her. It wasn’t stuff she couldn’t throw away. She dropped the USB into the box and shut her closet.

Then she did the only thing that was left. Slowly, she highlighted all the videos. Her finger hovered over the Delete button for a moment before finally pressing it down. She didn’t need the videos to remember. They only held her back. It was time.

Shutting her laptop, she put it on her desk before switching off the light and crawling into bed, falling asleep with only one boy on her mind. One who was very much alive.

Seventeen

School started back up on Monday and Taylor was swamped, so Josh didn’t mind the team being on a short road trip. He came home a little pissy because it hadn’t gone well. In two nights, they lost to both the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Florida Panthers.

They split the home stand that followed as the team tried to find their game again, the game that had them win most of their games in November. December wasn’t starting out well. Sometimes it was hard to separate hockey from real life. It was his job, yes, but it was more than that, and it affected everything else.

Last night’s game went to overtime before they eventually lost. Two minutes in, Josh was put out there with Olle and Zak. Overtime in the NHL was different than in juniors. In these games, it was a five minute three-on-three format, and Josh wasn’t typically used. Coach was trying to use him in more situations, so there he was rushing down the ice with Olle on his wing and Zak trailing behind. He’d been able to get around the single defenseman the other team put out, and had a wide open shot. The ping as the puck hit the crossbar could be heard among the gasps from the crowd before it bounced to a guy from the other team who then went on to score, ending the game.

That crossbar and the sound it made filled Josh’s mind. Things like that always did. Missed goals. Bad defensive plays. Ill-timed penalties. The best, most experienced players had learned to shake those things off and move on to the next game. Josh wasn’t there yet.

It was made worse the next night when he had another dizzy spell during the third period of a game. He lost a step and let one of the best players in the league get by him easily to score. Coach Peterson benched him for the rest of the game, probably doing him a favor.

Josh wasn’t an idiot. He knew he’d have to get checked out sooner or later. He’d seen a doctor in New York the summer before, who only told him to take a break because he was probably just fatigued. Well, there were no breaks during the season.

The schedule over the next month was busy for the Jackets. He told himself he’d deal with it when he was home over All-Star break.

Michaela called but he didn’t answer, knowing she’d get on his case about his health since she was the only one who knew. She’d have been watching the game last night, and she didn’t miss anything.

Ethan called, but Josh still couldn’t deal with those revelations. Over the last few weeks, Josh had plenty of time to feel like shit about how he’d reacted to his brother’s problems. No matter what the guy had done, Josh knew it should have gone differently. He’d have to face him eventually, but when he did, he wanted to be ready to be there for him one hundred percent. He just wondered if Ethan would do the same for him.

Over the next couple weeks, Taylor represented everything good that was in his life. She’d probably laugh at his cheesiness, but he found that he’d do anything to hear that laugh.

For her, they were still very new, her feelings untested. For him, it was different. His feelings had time to grow and mature over the months he’d known her.

She went to every home game over the next couple weeks, always sitting in the same place with her mom and sister. It felt good to have her there. She’d tell him when he played like shit, which was a lot over that time, and he actually found himself enjoying her honesty. It gave him the kick he needed to keep trying as hard as he could. Sometimes just trying hard wasn’t enough.

They spent all their free time together. He even broke his own rules about game days just for a few hours with her. And still, he didn’t tell her about his dizzy spells. He might be falling in love with her, but she was still Coach’s daughter. Plus, he didn’t want to worry her. It wouldn’t do either of them any good and he couldn’t afford to be benched.

“I’ve got exams starting next week,” she said, lacing her gloved fingers through his as they walked to their spot. Snow crunched underneath their feet and hung from the branches up above. It’d snowed the entire night before, creating a beautiful white canvas across the city. “I’ll probably still make it to your one home game, but I’ll be pretty busy otherwise.”

“Then I guess we need to have some fun before then.” He let go of her hand and started running across the frozen ground. She chased after him, laughing as her feet sank lower into the snow drifts with each step.

“Wait,” she called.

“Pick it up, son,” he yelled back.

“Yes, Coach.” She pulled her feet free and kept running.

The small castle stage was in sight when Josh stumbled before regaining his footing. He could feel his heart pounding erratically in his chest as his vision got fuzzy around the edges. He stopped running and reached out for a nearby tree, steadying himself against its solidness. He caught himself from falling again, and it was all he could do to keep the world from spinning around him.

“Josh,” Taylor said, finally catching up with him. “You okay?”

“Just need a moment.” He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply. When he opened them, he couldn’t focus them on her. 

“Let’s get you sitting down.” She angled herself up under his arm and forced him away from the tree. She helped him walk the rest of the way to the stage, pushing away the
do not cross
tape, and then shouldered some of his weight as he climbed the three steps. His foot hit a loose section of rock and he fell, trying his hardest not to take Taylor with him.

“Shit,” he grumbled as the snow soaked into his pants.

Taylor crouched down in front of him, reaching a hand out to force his head up to look at her. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I think I just have a bug.”

“That’s bullshit. You almost collapsed and you don’t even look worried, which means this probably isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

She sat down before he could stop her. “You’re going to get wet.” He tried to smile.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I told you I’m fine.”

“No, actually you didn’t.” She stood back up in a hurry. “Don’t lie to me, Josh.”

“You’ve never been through a hockey season. It takes a toll on your body.”

“Can you promise me that’s all it is?” She looked him in the eye and he stared right back.

“Yes.”

She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. As he hugged her back, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was lying even to himself. 

###

Before Christmas, the team seemed to hit their stride again. Josh went weeks without another episode, and his line benefited from that. They tore it up. Since the rumors, Mack had been doing everything he could to prove he wanted to succeed. There was no more drinking or late nights. Girls were kept at a minimum, since he was still not over Abigail. He was even the first person alongside Josh who hit the ice for team workouts.

It was helping the team, and Josh was glad to see his friend pulling it together.

Josh spent Christmas Eve with Taylor’s family, and it wasn’t as weird as he’d expected, given that her dad was his coach. Her mom kept a close eye on him as if trying to figure him out and little Evie attached herself to his hip. Being around them made him think about his own family and what they were doing for the holidays.

When he called his mom, she seemed surprised to hear from him, and that was like a kick in the gut. He realized he hadn’t called her since the summer. He’d always held himself above his dysfunctional family, but he’d become just like them when he cut them out. She’d never admit it, but he knew his mother was lonely, what with having an unfaithful husband, a troubled son, and an absent son.

Ethan seemed even more surprised to get his call.

“I’ll be home in two weeks,” Josh told him. “Can we have a face-to-face while I’m there?”

“What’re you doing coming home during the season?” Ethan asked.

“Michaela’s …” he hesitated. “Ah, her wedding.”

“Oh.”

“I thought you knew.”

“I did,” Ethan sighed. “I just forgot.”

“Well, I’ll see you then.”

“Okay.”

“And bro,” Josh said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Love you.”

“You too, man.”

He hung up the phone and exhaled. All-Star break and his trip home was speeding towards them, and he had a lot to deal with. He thought about trying to convince a certain girl to go with him, but then decided against subjecting her to his family. They’d get there eventually, but things would be extra stressful in the house with Michaela getting married. Ethan would never admit it, but Josh knew it was hard for him.

Taylor met his father and brother, but Josh understood that his mother was a whole different issue. Michaela, the toughest girl he knew, was even intimidated by her.

When Taylor came over that night, they spent quite a while making out like a couple of teenagers. Their relationship was still strictly PG - okay, more like PG-13 - but he didn’t mind. She wasn’t ready for that yet, but she would be. Every day she was getting closer to their future and further from her past.

“So,” he broke away from her and looked down into her face. Her lips were red and swollen as they spread into a sweet smile. He couldn’t resist give them one more kiss before speaking again. “I …” What was he going to say? The sudden urge to tell her how he felt sprang to his mind and he almost blurted it out. Almost. Then he remembered who the girl in front of him was. It was too soon. It’d ruin it. He was sure of that.

Leaning back away from her, he ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated grunt.

“Whoa,” Taylor said, sitting up as well. “Total mood-shift there. What’s going on?”

Josh hated that he was getting frustrated. He knew he had no right. The relationship had been slow from the beginning, with her dipping a toe in one at a time while he’d already been in the deep end. That was how it had to be. The logical side of his brain said he should be happy she was ready at all, because he knew he’d still want her even if she didn’t want him. Been there. Done that. Their “friendship” had been a ruse with his feelings hidden from view.

Forcing a smile, he leaned forward and kissed her again. Her lips stayed closed, and she didn’t kiss him back.

“I just have a lot on my mind,” he said finally. It wasn’t a lie, not totally. Lately he had been preoccupied. His impending trip home. His ever-present episodes. An unreciprocated love. Yeah, life was just a ball lately.

“Okay,” she shrugged. She didn’t ask any more questions of him because she trusted him unconditionally, and that trust hit Josh like a sledgehammer.

He wasn’t being honest with her, or anyone else. He should have told them about the episodes. He knew that. But every time he tried, the words evaporated before even rolling off his tongue. He wanted to play. That’s all. And he was scared. He didn’t know what was wrong or what was going to happen, and he was terrified to find out.

“I …” he almost said it again. Those three words. This time, though, he wanted to use them as a shield against his own guilt. That wasn’t right, so he clamped his lips shut.

Taylor continued to look at in expectantly.

“I need something to drink,” he blurted, practically lunging off the couch and sprinting over to the fridge. Grabbing a water, he tried to wash away the sour taste on his tongue.

He knew he was going to have to deal with all of it soon enough, but tonight he could forestall it just a little longer.