e Squared (5 page)

Subject: Re: Donald

 

Since the purpose of the meeting is to present the boards, not much point in him going at all. DC will go ape if he finds out. I'd better get in touch with him.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.27

Subject: Interns?

 

Are there any interns free to do some vox pops in Soho Sq? Free pastries for the successful applicant. Caroline's out and I'm on my New Year diet,
¹
so they'll only go stale!

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.29

Subject: travel arrangements

 

Kaz—look into the possibility of me getting on a boat to Rotterdam ASAP.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.31

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

Your meeting is at 2.00. Think a boat might be on the slow side. And aren't you at Stansted? No boats. Just big shiny planes.

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.33

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

FYI, thick fog has engulfed the entire airport. Just trying to be proactive here. Ferry timetable, please.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.36

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

I'll look into it. Not a cloud in the sky in the West End, by the way. Also by the way, you left the boards by your desk. Don't you need them?

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.37

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

I'll improvise the presentation. The boards are crap, anyway.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Donald Gold

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.39

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

You're going to mime perfumes? That I'd love to see. Especially when you get to
DDaring
by Jodie Marsh.

 

From:
Donald Gold

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.40

Subject: Re: travel arrangements

 

Very funny. Hold ferry search! Sirens going off. Jesus, it's 9/11 all over again.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.48

Subject: Interns?

 

Are there any interns free to dust the leaves on David's kentia palm?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.49

Subject: Interns?

 

Any interns free to apply Savlon to Ted's frostbite?

 

From:
Róisín O'Hooligan

To: All Staff

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.50

Subject: Interns?

 

And when the interns are done palm polishing and ointment applying maybe they can take down the bloody tree, which is still bloody here and on top of everything else it bloody well smells of cat wee.

 

From:
Darren Bates

To: Asif Mohammed

Sent: 5 January 2009, 10.59

Subject: emergency!

 

In-flight meals for BJ404 to Plovdiv up in smoke! Some sort of spontaneous combustion. My guess is too much saturated fat in the new-recipe lasagne. Flight booked with Bulgarian weight-lifting team. Anticipate they'll be v. hungry and/or popped up on steroids. Not a good combination. Any chance you could get down to the Bishop's Stortford Subway and buy 120 jumbo turkey-breast subs?

 

From:
Neil Godley

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.10

Subject: hairdressing privileges

 

Hi David

 

I must bring a serious matter to your attention. I have been told that access to the company hairdresser is restricted to the Creative Department. In my opinion, this policy is not in the egalitarian spirit of a so-called “Thought Collective.”

 

All I wanted was a trim.

 

I look forward to your views on this matter.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.11

Subject: Tam

 

What time will you get off tonight? I'll be stuck in a partners' meeting until seven. One of us needs to be home early-ish to have a word with Tamara. I've had a call from school. She's been excluded from PE on account of her tattoo. Did you know anything about this? Apparently it's on her thigh and it's of a skull with a dagger through the eye socket. It only shows because the gym shorts she insists on wearing are so small they're practically a thong.

 

What is it with her fetishes for exhibitionism and self-mutilation? Please get home and talk to her because I'm at a total loss.

 

And you and I need to talk. About something else. Entirely.

From:
Ted Berry

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.12

Subject:

 

agony get in here do e 4 me

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.15

Subject: Esmée Éloge

 

I just walked past Gold's office and saw Maggie T. She's supposed to be in Rotterdam getting the arse presented off her. Why has the stupid cunt left the boards here? I thought you were going to be hands-on with this account, David.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.17

Subject: need love and latte!

 

Ted's fingers look like big fat sausages and he's been making me do his e-mails for him all morning. I don't mind, honestly, but he just literally forced me to type the C word! I feel sick now and my hands are still shaking. I'm trying so hard to get on with him, but he makes it impossible. What am I going to do? Starbucks in 5?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.18

Subject: Re: need love and latte!

 

Cazza's out so I'm free! (God, that makes me sound sooooo gay.) Starbucks in 2.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Re: Tam

 

Not sure what time I'll make it out of here. Should we think about a boarding school for Tam? Didn't do me any harm.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.20

Subject: PS

 

What's the other thing you want to talk about?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.21

Subject: Re: PS

 

Not something for e-mail. Later. Please get home at a reasonable hour.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.23

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge

 

Gold's a useless pillock. I'll get on it. I must say, though, that I have misgivings about presenting deliberately wacky celebrity names to a company as essentially conservative as Esmée Éloge. Aren't they looking for the likes of Keira Knightley and that woman who used to stand in the middle in Destiny's Child?

 

Incidentally, is the new office troubadour an example of the new fit-for-purpose hiring policy? I'm intrigued.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 5 January 2009, 11.24

Subject: Esmée Éloge