Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (3 page)

Actors – the use of the word ‘amazeballs’ in your audition is banned. If I hear it you will be sentenced to a year-long TIE tour, dear.

Of course, the above is just a general guide to the plethora of auditions that you can be expected to go through. But obviously it’s a different story entirely if you’re auditioning for the producer Bill Kenwright. For his shows you will have two auditions – one in front of his casting director, and a second in front of the man himself. Then you’ll be offered the job and start rehearsing. And the following day you’ll be performing in the show. His productions are the fast food of the theatre world. And, just like McDonald’s, they look nice under the lights but can leave a bitter taste in your mouth, dear.

If you are unfortunate enough to do eleven auditions and then not get offered the job, you just have to take it with a pinch of salt. As long as you’ve auditioned to the best of your ability you should be happy, and just accept that something better is waiting around the corner. However, if you are feeling particularly upset about not getting the job it can be quite therapeutic to find out who did and start spreading rumours about their personal hygiene.

Sometimes, after a particularly bad audition, I have seen actors attempt to get a ‘sympathy’ recall. These are when an actor plucks at the audition panel’s heart strings, and tells them something incredibly upsetting – just like those
X Factor
contestants who go through to the next stage simply because their nan recently died. I don’t agree with sympathy recalls – but I know some casting directors who love a good sob story.

I have been forced to endure many such stories recently, but only once did it bring my casting director and me to tears. This particular story was about a little cat getting run over. The actress in question told her story after singing the most awful version of ‘Defying Gravity’ I have ever heard. In truth, it defied gravity that her head didn’t explode as she screeched through the final chorus. But she told her cat story with such emotion and pain that we felt guilty and gave her a sympathy recall. Obviously she didn’t get the final job, but at least her cat didn’t die in vain.

However, if your plight for a sympathy recall doesn’t work, you can always just beg. You’d be surprised at the amount of well-known actors who resort to this technique and finish auditions on their knees in front of my casting director.

Actors – drinking two cans of Red Bull before an audition does not make you a better actor. It just makes you a shakier one.

Auditioning – From My Side of the Table

The casting process is a long, arduous and exhausting business, particularly for the people doing the casting! I equate it to building a rocket out of chocolate – it’s hard to do, but when completed is very tasty. Casting directors and directors feel immense pressure to make sure they find the right actors for the job, and in some cases feel just as nervous as the people they are auditioning. So how do we go about casting a show?

One of the most important things we have to remember is what show we are casting. It’s no good casting
Othello
if the show is actually
Annie
. This is a vital thing to remember, and one which I often have to remind my casting director about. I knew a director in the eighties who once assembled a fine cast of young actors, only to realise that he actually needed dancers as he was casting a ballet. What a silly prat.

So, after we’ve decided on the show, we have a few other decisions to make before the casting begins – we have to book a venue, book a lighting designer, have a set designed, assemble a front-of-house team, taste the ice-cream flavours, market the show, drink some Dom, go on a team-building weekend, read Craig Revel Horwood’s autobiography, and meditate. Basically we do everything we can to put off the chore of casting until Equity get in touch, slap our wrists and threaten to take our diaries off us unless we start. So, apprehensively, we do.

The next step is in the hands of the casting director. Casting directors are usually very nice people who like drinking far too much alcohol, and mostly during the day. The ones that don’t drink usually have other habits, which can’t be discussed here – but often end in them being discovered on a bench outside Waterloo Station at 5 a.m.

The first thing the casting director does is to release a ‘breakdown’. This doesn’t mean he sends out photos of himself in tears, screaming in despair, and taking Prozac. It means he sends out an email of what roles are available. This
is usually done through the Spotlight Link – and sent to most agents. Sometimes certain agents will be kept off the list, but only in extreme cases (if they haven’t bought me gifts for a long time).

For those that don’t know, the Spotlight Link is an online service that allows casting directors to email all agents about castings, and receive submissions in response. It is also widely used by actors who have managed to steal a casting director’s password – who use it to stalk and stare at other actors’ CVs.

Due to increasing levels of obesity, Spotlight are going to include a ‘man boobs’ option in their physical-appearance section.

Once the breakdown has been received, your agent will decide which of their clients are right for the part. This involves reading the breakdown – which can be tricky for illiterate agents (an alarmingly high number of them). Luckily these agents are very clever and have assistants or interns. These assistants only have one role: to read out loud to the agents. This avoids embarrassment, and proves invaluable experience.

When the agent has digested the information they will spend a few hours drinking tea, coffee or gin. Then suddenly they’ll get inspired and mix some vodka with Red Bull – and away they go! They look at photos of all their clients, and remind themselves whom they represent. Some people think it’s easy being an agent, but sometimes they have over twenty actors’ names to remember (and sometimes they have an Equity name
and
a real name, which confuses things even more). Once they’ve reminded themselves of their clients, the agents make honest, considered and well-informed decisions about which actors to put forward to the
casting director. Things they must consider are: Do they look right? Are they the right age? Can they do the accent? Can they walk in a straight line? Can they speak loudly? Can they tie their shoelaces? It is tough. And sometimes an agent gets incredibly upset and doesn’t know what to do – so decides by using the ‘Eeny meeny miny moe, pick an actor for the show’ technique.

Once this important decision is made, the casting director will receive an influx of actors suitable for the role. It is not unusual for a casting director to receive more than a thousand suggestions for one role: a huge amount. So the casting director then has to sift through all the submissions and decide which actors to invite for an audition. This is where it gets difficult. Do they bring in new actors who are unknown to them? Do they bring in actors they have employed before? Or do they bring in actors they fancy? Invariably it’ll be a mix of all three, with emphasis on the latter.

Then your agent is called and you get offered an audition. You are told an audition time, what to prepare, what role you are up for, and, if you are lucky, the venue for the audition. And then it’s all down to you.