Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (16 page)

I opened my eyes slowly as the aroma of coffee brewing wafted over me. My eyes felt dry and scratchy and taking a moment to adjust to the light of the room and the figure sitting on the love seat across from me. Adam had the laptop in front of him and was tapping it furiously. I sat up and stretched my arms, reaching for my cell phone on the table. Adam was pale, but he didn’t look anywhere near as shitty as he did the night before. I tapped the screen of my cell phone and the time showed 6:30 AM. I glanced over at Adam, and it took a moment before he stopped typing and looked up at me.

“Hey, I’ll get you a cup of coffee,” he said, putting the laptop aside and going into the kitchen.

My eyes followed him, watching as he poured two cups of coffee. My mouth opened, but nothing came out as he came around and handed me a cup before settling back down in his previous position. The coffee cup balanced precariously in his lap between the computer and his torso. Finally, my mouth figured out how to work.

“What are you doing?” I asked, and the words sounded harsher than I wanted them to. I stuck my mouth over the cup and took a sip, hoping it would look like I was tired and not pissed. I honestly wasn’t sure which I was.

“Promoting,” he replied, not looking up from the computer.

“Promoting?” I asked before taking another sip of coffee. At least, this time, I sounded curious and not bitchy.

“Fade Burn,” Adam said before taking a sip of his coffee. My jaw must have slackened, because he continued, “Plan B.”

I blinked at him. Plan B?
As in be a rock star?
My body stiffened. At least he fit the stereotype– alcoholic. I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought. I needed to try to be positive — maybe this would help him straighten out. I stared down at my coffee before inhaling and standing

“Sounds fun,” I replied as I leaned down. He turned his face up and kissed me.

“I might be asking your advice,” he said as his eyes went back to the computer screen. My gaze moved down to the screen– Twitter.

I shook my head. “I’m not a fan of social media.”

He chuckled to himself. “Aren’t you a marketer?”

“Sure am,” I replied as I raised an eyebrow at him. He smirked up at me. “But I’m high enough up that I can delegate that particular task to someone else.”

“Ah, like someone who has a social life?” Adam asked, and his tone showed it was a playful dig, but I found myself swallowing. The truth was somewhere along those lines, and the fact I completely gave up social media after Bobby died. It was sickening to have people always sending sympathetic messages that meant nothing.

“That’s more Tara’s playground than mine,” I replied as I headed to the bathroom to get ready for work. “You should ask her about it when you call her today.”

I glanced over my shoulder, wondering what reaction the pointed sentence would garner. It wasn’t much more than him looking at me from the corner of his eyes with his head still facing the computer.

“I just might,” he replied.

I stopped mid-stride as the lack of boxes near the door caught my eye.

“I put them in the closet,” Adam replied, his voice flat. “Yours are on your side while mine is on mine.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat before asking, “Did you…”

“Look in them?” Adam finished my sentence. His lips pursed, but he didn’t stop typing or look up from the computer. “No.”

“Adam–“

“I’m fine, Riv. You’re going to be late for work if you don’t get going,” Adam said, and his head moved to nod over my shoulder to the bathroom.

My body went cold as I stared at him. He raised his eyebrows, and my stomach twisted. I might as well tell him the rest of the news.

“Your parents gave the apartment up.”

“Good, it was a waste of their money to be paying for it when no one was living in it,” Adam replied, and his eyes were empty as they turned back to the computer screen. My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. This colder, matter of fact Adam was a surprising apparition, and it made me feel as sick as the drunk one.

“Okay,” I managed to say before going into the bathroom. If this was the way Adam was going to be, at least he wasn’t drinking, but when I came home that night, he was out cold with a bottle of SoCo dangling from his hand as he lay on the couch belly down. He wasn’t even hiding his drinking, and I still didn’t know what to do. I pulled the bottle from his fingers and drained the remaining contents in the sink before going out on the balcony and dialing Dad.

“Hey Ducks,” he said, and his voice softened the hard edges of my heart.

“Hi Daddy,” I replied, and my voice cracked as I slid down to sit on the grated metal

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

I put my head on my knees. “Adam.”

“What happened with Adam?”

“The drinking…he lost his job yesterday, and he was loaded when I finally found him…and then this morning he seemed fine but..”

“When you got home he was drunk?”

I looked through the window, where I had a clear view into the living room where he lay on the couch. “Out cold. I just don’t know how much more I can take, Dad.”

“What are you saying, Ducks? Are you thinking about leaving him?” he asked, and his voice strained as if the idea physically pained him.

I crushed my eyes shut, looking across the city, lit by the setting sun. “I don’t know…I don’t think we’re any good for each other anymore…I feel like if I leave, he’ll figure his shit out.”

Dad’s response was unexpected. “What about you, River?”

“Me?” I repeated, and my voice was weak. “This isn’t good for me either. I don’t know who I am anymore–or if I ever really knew who I was or wanted to be outside the Beckerson boys.

“There’s nothing else you think will help? What about counseling?”

I hated to scoff at the idea, but I did.

“He won’t even talk to me, Dad. I’ve tried being reasonable. I’ve been unreasonable– neither works.” My voice cracked. “Nothing works. — I can’t watch this anymore.”

Dad sighed before replying, “I’m concerned about Adam, too, River–I just worry what this is going to do to you.”

“I’ll figure it out,” I replied looking over my shoulder. Hopefully, Adam would too.

“Just think about it River,” Dad replied.

I looked out across the city. “I’ll give it a little more time…but Dad, I know Adam and my leaving is the only way to pull him out of this.”

“I get that, River, but who’s going to pull you out once you push him away?”

My breath caught in my throat, and I looked down at my hands. Leaving meant I was leaving a huge chunk of myself behind, and I wondered how many pieces of myself I could lose without being completely lost to the agony of not knowing who I was. Who was I without Bobby? I felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes as I stared at Adam. My chest tightened as my vision blackened at the edges. Who was I without Adam?

I needed to find out. I just hoped Adam would find me after…whatever was left of me.

Adam’s drinking the day before must have been pretty decent, because when I woke up, he was still passed out. I watched him for a second, my heart hammering in my chest, which only ceased when he inhaled deeply. I ran my hand over my face before going to take a shower and heading into work early. There was no point in me working out and waking up Adam. He’d probably have a migraine anyway, and I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were.

“Earlier and earlier,” Jesse said as I tried to sneak passed his office. I stopped in my tracks and took a deep breath before turning to face him. He stood and came to lean against the front of his desk with arms crossed. “Pretty soon you’ll be sleeping here.”

I swallowed hard at the thought because I honestly wasn’t sure where to go if Adam and I broke it off. I couldn’t very well go to my parent’s house when I wasn’t talking to Mom. Their house was also an hour away, but I couldn’t afford anything in Boston on my own, could I? My hands tightened around my Starbucks.

“A little distracted, or a little overtired?” Jesse asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I ran my hand through my hair before leaning against the door frame. “A little of both, to be honest with you.”

“Mhmm,” Jesse replied as he took his reading glasses off and tucked them in his suit pocket.

“So what are
you
 doing here so early?” I asked, and my eyes narrowed as I watched his eyes widen. “Secret project?”

Jesse chuckled to himself, signaling for me to come in the room as he went back to sit in his chair. “You kind of nailed it.”

“Secret project?” I asked, tilting my head to look at the paperwork he was twisting around for me to see.

“Something like that,” he replied as my eyes ran over the lease agreement.

My eyes stopped on the location. “This is a building in Framingham. Are we moving?”

Jesse sat back in his chair, and his hands formed a triangle as he shook his head slowly. “We’re expanding.”

“To Framingham?”

His head changed directions, this time bobbing up and down slowly. “Indeed. The business is expanding rapidly, and we need a new division to keep up with the demand.”

“Two locations? That’s going to be a lot for one person to manage–plus, a lot of driving,” I said as I stared at the dates on the page. It looked like the building was already in existence, but would need some renovations based on Jesse’s various sticky notes. When he didn’t answer, my eyes rose to meet his and a wicked smile on his lips. I wasn’t sure what it meant, or if I wanted to know what it meant.

“It would be, wouldn’t it?” he finally replied. “How do you like Framingham?”

I shrugged as I told myself not to think too deeply into what he was asking. This was Jesse– he bounced ideas off me all the time. He probably just wondered if I felt it was a good idea.

“It’s another city, I suppose,” I replied. “It would be good for business.”

Jesse nodded, forehead creasing as he cocked his head. “Aside from a business perspective?”

My pulse pounded in my ears. I didn’t need to jump to conclusions, especially when something like this could help.

“Some nice towns surround the area. If I ever got out of the city, I’d probably go for somewhere like Ashland or Bellingham. Those areas are a little bit more reasonable than the city, so I could probably get a nice condo.”

“So you’ve been thinking about moving?” Jesse asked, and his reading glasses came out to perch on his nose as he took the paperwork back and pretended to look it over. His eyes weren’t moving, so I knew he wasn’t reading.

The air in my lungs staled as I stared at the top of his grey hair, and then his eyes rose back up to mine over the black rims framing his face.

“I guess I’ve been toying with the idea,” I finally replied, my voice squeaking with nerves.

“How does Adam feel about it? Isn’t the school he works for close to here?”

Tingles rushed up my spine as I forced a smile on my face. “Yeah, it is. We haven’t talked about it yet.”

And we probably never will.

“Mhmm,” Jesse replied, and then his eyes actually started moving over the paperwork. I figured it was time to make my escape before I asked if he wanted me to go to Framingham. My mind flicked back to Adam on the couch passed out. If he asked right now, the answer would be yes, and I wasn’t sure if I was in a state to make a decision like that.

“Well, you have fun figuring out how you’re going to be driving back and forth,” I said as I stood.

Jesse’s head moved up, and his eyes locked on mine. “Believe me; I already have that all figured out.”

My jaw went slack before I managed to smile at him.

“That’s exciting,” I said as I turned and headed to the door.

“You have no idea how much,” he said, and I only briefly looked over my shoulder to see the smile on his face.

When I got to my office, I opened my various project folders and began running analyses but within an hour, my eyes were going funky from the lighting. I paused, looking down at my phone. There were no text messages. I heaved a sigh as I opened the Internet browser and my fingers typed without me consciously knowing it.

Condos near Framingham, MA.

I bit my lip. I had enough of a down payment thanks to Bobby, but I was definitely jumping to conclusions. My eyes squeezed shut as a wave of cold rushed over me, and I shoved the phone across my desk. Adam might be all right, and then I wouldn’t have to leave. When I packed up to leave at the end of the day and peeked my head into Jesse’s office, he looked up with a smirk.

“Signed the lease,” he said with a wink.

“That’s great — exciting news. I’m heading out,” I replied as I nodded over my shoulder towards the door.

Jesse looked at his watch and then stood. “I’ll walk out with you. I’m glad to see you’re getting out at a reasonable time. You working when you get home?”

I rolled my eyes as he held the door open for me. “I’ve been getting into reading, and I have one of those adult coloring books.”

Jesse chuckled, looking at me from the corner of his eyes. “
Adult
coloring book?”

I pursed my lips. “It’s supposed to be relaxing.”

“Is it?” Jesse asked as he pulled his keys out of his pocket. I shook my head and he laughed as he hit a button and the convertible top of his BMW came down. “Well, you have fun with that tonight.”

When I got home that night, Adam wasn’t there, but for once there was a letter under the broken heart magnet.

Don’t wait up. Gig with the band. – Adam

Obviously, I wasn’t invited– not that night, or the night after that.

Every day passed the same. I went to work and made sure to get home on time. Every time I pulled into the parking lot I prayed Adam was home, but he never was. If or when he came home he smelled like the booze he consumed God only knew where. Adam didn’t tell me where he was going, and he didn’t text when he wasn’t coming home, probably because he was too wasted.  When I tried to talk to him — or text him to ask him to come home so we could talk, he didn’t respond.

I told Dad I’d give it some time, but two weeks of this new pattern and I knew Adam was pushing me away. He was fading further into the bottom of a bottle while I faded into my silence–deeper into the knowledge that this wasn’t working anymore.

I put my head against the steering wheel, my insides twisting like they did every day when I got home to find his parking spot empty. If I went inside, there might be some vague note from Adam, but it wouldn’t say he loved me. I bit my lip– he didn’t even bother saying it anymore. I wondered if that was because he didn’t, or maybe he never did. Maybe 
he
was the one in love with being in love with me. Either way, I didn’t want to see the note. I shoved my finger into the power button for the radio, turning it off, so I engulfed myself in silence as I drove away from the apartment. Blasting music didn’t rid me of my emotions, and I was sick of it. Music only reminded me of Adam and the inevitable fate drawing in on me faster and faster. I drove without direction as tears began to stream down my cheeks.  I wasn’t strong enough for this anymore, and Adam wouldn’t listen. He didn’t need me. My throat thickened as I turned down Tara’s parent’s street. I parked in the driveway and looked up at the brick house. What was I going to say to her, and could she handle the truth?

I moved up the walkway slowly, letting the summer air warm me. I knocked on the door once before turning and looking at the sun setting behind the trees.

“River?” Tara asked as she opened the door. I turned back around, and her eyebrows hung over her eyes. “Is everything okay?”

I nodded, but no words came out of my mouth even when though it was open. Her eyebrows moved up her forehead questioning me without her needing to speak. My chest rose as I inhaled and finally answered, “I just needed someone to talk to. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Come on in,” she said, stepping aside. “My parents went out to dinner, but lucky you, I don’t like being the broken third-wheel.”

I laughed because that was exactly how I felt whenever I was with Adam. Him and his bottle…and me the third wheel. Tara sat down on the couch, turning off the television and pulling her legs up, so she was sitting cross legged facing me.

“So what’s up?” she asked as she propped her elbow against the top of the couch and rested her chin on it. She filled out over the past few weeks, and while she was still small like me, her soft curves and round cheeks had returned. She looked good, and that made me smile. At least one of us was happy.

I looked down at my hands and picked my nails. “It’s Adam.”

Tara sighed. “Yeah, he told me he lost his job.”

My eyes rose up to hers. “What else does he tell you?”

“I don’t know,” she said, her shoulders rising as a blush spread from her cheeks. “He asked me some stuff about social media and told me he’s helping to push the band. I guess he’s hoping for a record deal.”

My breath caught, and I looked away as my body rushed with a chill. Record deal? He hadn’t told me that. I never thought he would pursue being a full-time musician. Performing always seemed to drain him– like the crowds energy was being taken directly from him.

Tara’s body tensed when I didn’t reply.

“He didn’t tell you?” she asked.

I let my gaze return to her. “He doesn’t say much of anything anymore. When I’m home, he’s either gone out, or too far gone.”

“He’s still in there,” she said, reaching forward and squeezing my hands.

The tears returned, and when our eyes met, I shook my head unable to say the words.

“What’s going on with you, River?” she asked, and her voice was a harsh whisper. “Have you given up on him?”

I put my head in my hands. “I’ve given up on believing we’re supposed to be together.”

“You’re thinking about leaving him?” she asked, her voice pitching higher. My head rose to take in her expression. Her face was red, and  her mouth hung open as she shook her head. “The three of us are the only pieces of Bobby left. We’re all struggling…” Her voice drifted, and so did her eyes. She licked her lips before locking eyes on me. “If you give up on Adam, then I’ll have to give up on you.”

“What does that mean?” I asked as my chest tightened. I knew what was coming. Everything would shatter with this one decision.

Her chest rose and fell as her eyes flashed over my face. “You’re more messed up than the both of us.”

I blinked at her as my face flushed and the rest of my body burst with heat. The sensation of warmth made it hard to focus.

“What do you mean?” I managed to ask as my vision tunneled.

Tara sucked her cheeks into her mouth before she answered, her eyes locked on me. She wanted me to hear this, and she wanted to know I was paying attention. “You’ve forgotten how to feel.”

My sight blurred at her words and the sudden heat dissipated into an aching cold. I opened my mouth as I tried to form a response, but I found myself closing it.

She couldn’t know.

Every breath seared into my heart. The numbing pain was constant. I felt everything– the hole in my chest where Bobby used to be; the part of my soul that died with him.

A part of me slowly died as I struggled to remain above the water of my grief while I was blasted by Adam’s. She was right; I was too weak. I was too selfish. I couldn’t watch him self-destruct, and I was going to lose everything because of that. I stood, stopping at the door frame and bracing my body against it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t wake up soon enough to save you, River. I really am,” she said to my back.

My fingernails grated against the wooden door frame before I walked out without responding.

I’d already self-destructed.