Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (13 page)

I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”

“River,” his voice was soft, and I slowly opened my eyes to see his face. His brown eyes reflected the sadness in his tone. “You don’t have to be sorry for my actions.
I’m
the one doing them.”

“The past few days have been so nice–you staying up with me,” I said, biting my lip. “When you weren’t home…I figured you slipped back into the drinking. I’m just scared.”

He shook his head, his eyes racing back and forth over mine. “Of what?”

My chest heaved as I tried to bring the words to my lips.

Of what Mark insinuated–that you’re drinking more than I know…that I’ll lose you. That I’ve lost myself.

Finally, I shook my head, forcing a smile to my lips. “Nothing.”

Adam’s eyes closed as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead, his thumbs tracing circles on my cheek. “I love you, River.”

I pressed my lips together as I felt the tears forming in my eyes. My chest tightened as his lips drifted down to mine, brushing against them as my hands tangled in his hair. His lips parted mine, and his tongue danced over my mouth in a way that made me fully awake again. He pulled away and brushed my hair out of my face as he gave me a sad smile.

“We should get some sleep,” he said, and I shook my head, moving up to kiss him.

Adam put a finger to my lips. “You don’t sleep enough as it is.”

I could feel my eyes getting heavy again, and I sighed as he moved so I could put my head on his chest. I didn’t get a chance to reply before the corners of sleep sunk in.

I started my day on a high from the night before– from finding Adam not loaded when I thought he would be and from real laughter I missed so much. Those moments gave me some level of hope, but in a matter of seconds, that hope was leveled. The photo shoot planned for the next day brought me right past Adam’s work, so I left early to grab us both Starbucks. When I arrived at the school the kids were out for recess, but his car was nowhere to be seen, and neither was he. I got out of the car and flagged down the girl standing outside with the kids.

“River?” she said, giving me a smile as she cocked her head. “I’m Adam’s substitute, Regina. I recognize you from the pictures on his desk.”

I swallowed before forcing a smile on my lips. “I didn’t realize Adam needed a substitute.”

She bit her lower lip before her shoulders rose up. “He’s been sick on a pretty regular basis, so I’ve been coming up once or twice a week. It’s a shame the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong, you know? It must be so stressful for you two. Especially with everything you’ve already been through this year.”

I opened and closed my mouth as I searched for the words, but I didn’t know how to respond to something she obviously thought I knew was going on. Instead, I ended up nodding before realizing it made no sense I was here if Adam wasn’t. Especially seeing I should know he wasn’t.

Somehow I made my brain work.

“Yeah, it’s been a rough year. Adam feels bad that you’ve been covering so much, so he asked me to get you Starbucks since this was on my way to a work meeting. I hope you like flat white lattes?”

Regina’s eyes widened. “That is so sweet of you. Right around now is the time when I could use one of those. These kids will run you ragged!”

“Great,” I said giving her a huge, fake smile. “I’ll just get it.”

I walked back to the car, and with each step, the pressure in my head grew. Adam was out of work at least once or twice a week? Doing what?

My body froze as I reached the car. I knew exactly what. I managed to get away from Regina without much more small talk, but by the time I got to the photo shoot my headache was making me nauseous. I managed to muddle my way through the next two hours and then texted Jesse I was going home.

I wanted to see if Adam was home.

He was.

I slipped my shoes off and tossed my keys into the bowl on the table by the door. The metal clinked against the bowl, only a faint sound against the TV show Adam was watching.

“Hey, what are you doing home so early?” he asked, looking around the couch as I walked wordlessly passed him into the bedroom.

I ignored him as I tried to decide whether or not accusing him of skipping out on work was worth it, or if it would make it worse. I slipped my blouse off before pulling on a baggy sweatshirt and yoga pants and climbed out the window onto the balcony. I stood there watching the sunset as my mind raced. I didn’t dare go back inside. I couldn’t face Adam when I was so pissed at him.

“Hey,” Adam said, sticking his head out the window.

I kept my eyes straight ahead and didn’t respond. I had nothing nice to say.

“Not talking to me anymore?” he asked.

I shook my head, gritting my teeth before replying with a half truth, “I drove passed the school today.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice not changing in pitch like I thought it would.

Had he become
that
good at lying?

“So?” I asked, giving him a chance to tell the truth.

“So?” he repeated as he climbed through the window and came to lean against the rails next to me. His arm muscles bunched beneath the sleeves of his t-shirt.

“Where were you?” I asked, and my voice cracked.

“Out.”

“Out?”

He turned, leaning backward, and his hands clasped over his chest. “Yeah. I had to go out and purchase some instruments for the kids. We received a grant, so I went out to pick some stuff up.”

Lie. It was all a lie, and a part of me knew I shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but I had to know. I moved to the front of him and leaned in, kissing his liquor-tainted lips. Proof.

I buried my head in his shoulder as I bit my lip to hold back the tears.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked as he rubbed his hands over my back.

“Migraine,” I whispered, and I hoped Adam took the pained shaking of my voice to be for that reason.

He held me out at arm’s length, red eyes searching my face. “Why don’t you lay down? I’ll get you an ice pack and order us some Chinese.”

I nodded and followed him inside. I vaguely remembered him handing me the ice pack, but I didn’t wake up until the next morning. I rolled over to find the space in the bed next to me was empty and cold. There was another letter underneath the now broken heart magnet on the fridge. Adam hadn’t wanted to wake me once I fell asleep and he was going to be out the rest of the day. My pork fried rice and chicken fingers were in the fridge if I wanted them for lunch. I grabbed a fork and ate them cold for breakfast. I wouldn’t enjoy their taste anymore if they were warm. I glanced around the empty apartment, swallowing the last of the day old Chinese food. I’d normally just take a shower and hit the road to see Dad, but today Mom had him otherwise occupied. I didn’t trust myself alone with my thoughts so instead I decided to visit Tara a day early. Maybe I could talk to her about Adam, if only in a roundabout way.

“On a Saturday?” Tara asked when I came into the room.

“Yeah, my mom has my dad opening the pool up this weekend,” I explained as I held out a Starbucks cup to her.

“Spoiling me?” she asked, taking it with a smile. She held it up to her face with both hands, and her eyes rolled back as she took a deep sip.

I smirked as she opened her eyes. “Not fully. It’s decaf.” Her jaw dropped as I sat down on the bed next to a pile of neatly folded clothes. “Can’t tell, huh?”

She narrowed her eyes and took another sip before shrugging and placing it on the window sill next to the dried rose, now more beige than white. She moved to the dresser and continued putting clothes next to me.

“What’s going on?” I asked as I watched her pull luggage out from under the bed.

Tara smiled as she looked up at me. “I get to go home tomorrow– well, not home, home, but to my parent’s house. Maybe I can go swimming at your parent’s house!”

I swallowed, nodding and looking down at the top of my coffee cup as I wondered if she remembered the fight with Mom about my tattoo.

“You’re still not talking to her then?” Tara asked as she began putting the clothes into the luggage. When I didn’t answer she came to sit in the now cleared spot and put her hands over mine, looking through her long lashes in expectation of my response.

I blinked hard. “No.”

“It’s been a long time, River. You should talk to her. You never know…” her eyes faded as she chewed on the inside of her lip. They came back to, and she replied in a firm tone, “You never know when something bad is going to happen.” My mouth dropped, and she squeezed my hands. “Bobby would’ve wanted us to pick ourselves up and go on with life. Don’t you think so?”

She knew.
Why hadn’t Becky warned me? She wasn’t here right now; that was why–but why hadn’t she called? I looked down at my cell phone.

MISSED CALL: Becky.

I rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand. “It’s not that easy.”

“I know it’s not easy, Riv. How can it be? I finally realized the nightmares I was having weren’t nightmares, but memories,” she said, moving her hands into a hard knot on her lap as she stared at them. “Once we hit that patch of ice and the truck started spinning…” her voice broke, and she squeezed her eyes shut; “The last thing I remember is the fear in his eyes and his lips whispering he loved me. That was it. I didn’t even get a chance to respond.”

I licked my lips as air rattled in my lungs. “I’m sure he knew how you felt.”

Her head rocked back as she breathed in through her nose, and then her eyes opened slowly. “So it’s hard. I know–but we have to move on from all the shit that’s happened.”

“This is my way of moving on,” I replied, and she narrowed her eyes at me.

“Running away from the situation?” she asked.

My cheeks burned as I stared at her, my mouth going dry. “Some things can’t be fixed, and sometimes they aren’t meant to be. This was a long time coming with my mom. I’m not going back to dealing with being abused on a regular basis.”

Tara’s head jerked back at my response, and she stood shaking her head. “That’s not what I meant, but if something were to happen tomorrow to either of you, would you be okay? Would you regret any of it?”

I locked eyes with her as she turned to face me. “No. I can’t control her actions.”

“You can control yours, though–“

“But I can’t be the only one controlling things,” I looked down at my hands as I shook my head. Anger heated my body as I looked up at her and continued. “I’m constantly thinking of everyone else. I do it every day with Adam — even with you. It’s tiring. It’s eating me up alive. I’m barely living because I’m always so worried about everyone else.”

Tara’s eyes ran over my face as her voice lowered. “I get why you’re worried about me…but Adam seems better.”

“He’s not, Tara. He blames himself for Bobby’s death. But really, Tara– it’s because of me. Everything’s because of me. I’m the reason that they were at war with each other–with their parents,” I replied, the agonizing words I kept in so long rushing out in a pained whisper as I stood and went to the door. “And I’m not strong enough to keep Adam from drinking.”

“River– you can’t blame yourself for that,” Tara said to my back.

I stopped, my eyelashes weighted down with water before I turned back to face her. “Why am I not enough for him to stop?”

Tara stepped forward and pulled me into her thin arms. “You’re the only one who
can
make him stop.”

“How?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around her, giving into the warmth of her arms.

“I don’t know.”

The problem was, I did, and I knew I couldn’t tell her.

When I went to bed that night, Adam still wasn’t home, and when I woke up the next morning and asked if he wanted to go grocery shopping with me, he shook his head and continued drinking his coffee. When I got home, he was gone. I didn’t bother texting him to ask where he was. I didn’t want to know. The hope from Thursday was completely gone, and I replaced it with denial or just ignorance to the truth. Adam was just out with the boys or something. He’d gotten bored and decided to go out. Maybe he was at the gym. There could be any number of good reasons why he wasn’t home on a Sunday afternoon.

I sought a distraction from my mind and found myself packing up the final remnants of Bobby’s life up. I looked at the boxes that surrounded me; each neatly labeled with the names of who they needed to go to. I focused on Tara’s stuff, knowing she would probably want it now that she was going to be going home–well, to her parent’s house. I wondered if she wanted to move back here, but as I looked around the apartment, I realized it was just too big for one person. Bobby’s parents were continuing to pay the rent until I was done boxing everything up, and Alec told me to take my time. I sank into the couch, melting into the leather, warmed from the breeze coming through the open kitchen window. It was an unseasonably hot day for May, exactly the way Bobby would like it to be for his birthday. I laid back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling as I fought the wave of tears.

The truth was after Tara’s stuff was done, there was nothing left. All that remained where the labeled boxes and the furniture, ready to be divided up to who needed to take them. I closed my eyes as I thought of what would come next. Each piece would be removed from the apartment until it was bare, and then someone else would move in.

The tears came thick as the memories of the apartment and our lives in it rushed forward. It was just an apartment, but it was being vacated too soon.

“River…” the voice knocked into me, causing me to suck in a deep breath. Bobby repeated my name, causing my heart to patter. “River…” I sat up, and there he was, sitting with one arm thrown over the top of the couch and his ankle propped against his knee. “Hey, sleepy head. You always fell asleep so easily on this couch.”

I swallowed as I leaned forward, moving a blond curl out of his blue eyes and touching the warmth of his cheek. He closed his eyes, inhaling as my hand dropped to his still chest. There was no heartbeat beneath my hands.

Being dead will do that to you.

Bobby shook his head, putting his hand over mine and moving it over my heart. “Part of my heart is here,” he whispered as if he could read my thoughts. “Another is in Adam’s chest, and yet more in Tara’s. As long as those hearts beat, mine is too.”

“Why haven’t you come back until now?” I asked as I tangled my fingers into his.

His brows pulled in as he cocked his head at me. “I was trying to help Tara…but then I realized it was keeping her from remembering. She…” he shook his head. “She had this me confused for the living version. I needed to say goodbye for her to remember fully.”

“Now you’re here to help me?” I asked, and he chuckled.

“Riv, you’re too stubborn for me to help you,” he said.

“Then try to help Adam– go to him–“

Bobby cut me off with a shake of his head, his lips pulling into his mouth. “I can’t help him when he’s lost in that fog. He’s unreachable.”

“He’s unreachable for me too. What if the only thing to pull him out is if
I’m
gone. This is all my fault–“

“Don’t blame yourself, River,” he said as he leaned his forehead to mine. “The only wars we fight are the ones
we
choose. Adam’s fought wars with me, with our parents…and now he’s fighting one with himself. You were always there for us, but sometimes that’s not what
we
needed. Sometimes that’s not what
you
needed.”

Bobby’s eyes drifted to our hands as a sad smile pulled at the edge of his lips. It was the same look Mark had.

“Are you saying–?” I asked as he began to waver in and out. “Wait — I don’t understand, Bobby!”

He leaned forward, his lips kissing my cheek and spreading tingles through my body. “Do what you know will pull him out, just know this battle is just beginning, and you’ll have to fight, too.”