Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (3 page)

Again, he spoke, but I heard nothing. My eyes locked on the casket. On Bobby.

When the priest was done, Adam’s hand on the small of my back indicated it was time to step forward. My eyes fell to the hole beneath the casket, and the temptation to crawl into it returned as the rose in my hand dropped slowly onto the surface. Its white color was a harsh contrast against the shiny black, and my stomach rolled so hard I gripped it in an attempt to keep the coffee in.  We pushed to the back of the crowd, and I fought the urge until we neared a tree. I dropped Adam’s hand and rushed forward, the coffee coming out as tears streamed down my face. Adam’s hands ran over my spine as the contents of my stomach emptied. In the background, I heard someone say something about a lunch to follow, and I turned to face Adam, who shook his head.

“Thank you,” I said as he wrapped his arms around me. Adam’s body tensed, and I heard the sound of the casket being lowered, and then the metallic sound of dirt running off of shovels. My stomach clenched, but there was nothing more to come up. Adam’s hands moved over my arms until our fingers entwined and we walked back to the plot. It was just him and me, staring at the newly placed dirt as the voices behind us faded into nothing.

His body trembled, and his foot struck out as he screamed, kicking the dirt. The scream turned into a sob as he crumbled to his knees beside me. The anger from his parent’s vile words dissipated and all that was left was the agonizing pain of loss. It was all consuming; anger and pain now mingled until I felt like nothing was left.

I wanted to crumble beside Adam.

I wanted to scream and claw the ground.

To demand God give back our souls.

Adam had been strong for me during the ceremony, and now I needed to be strong for him. I fell beside him and pulled his shuddering body into my arms.  Silent tears rolled down my face as I sat rocking him. My bare legs prickled with the cold, dead grass beneath us, and I wasn’t sure if the cold was creeping in and making me numb, or if it was the gravity of the situation sinking in. Adam’s body stopped trembling, and I was able to compose myself as he pulled away. His gentle hands found my face, and his eyes bore into mine.

I watched as his parched lips parted, and he spoke, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive them…do you think Bobby would blame me?”

“I don’t blame you,” I replied, squeezing my eyes shut as another wave of emotion rolled over me.

“But would he?” His voice cracked.

I opened my eyes, and his brown ones looked almost black.  “Maybe…that’s why he got in that car that night, wasn’t it? Because he saw how cruel they were.”

I wished he hadn’t seen the truth of their personalities. Then we wouldn’t be here now. Adam’s eyes flashed, and I knew he felt the same.

“Adam?” I began, and his eyes drifted up to mine. “I know it’s not enough, but I love you.”

His lips twitched, and he pressed them hard against my forehead before kissing my nose. “It’s always been enough.”

He began to stand and pulled me up with him. For a moment, we stood and stared down at the turned over ground littered with white roses of those that chose to leave them on the surface instead of beneath the ground with Bobby.

“We should see Tara,” I finally said.

“Are you sure?”

“We owe it to Bobby,” I replied.

I didn’t think I was strong enough to stare at my best friend sitting in a coma, hooked up to a zillion machines, barely hanging onto life. What was worse was the ache in my chest when I thought of what I would have to tell her when they pulled her out of the medical coma–if they could. Adam’s hand drifted from my shoulders down to my lower back as he leaned forward and took one white rose from the pile.

“He’d want her to have one,” Adam said, but I couldn’t respond. The best I could do was a sound similar to that of someone drowning.

Adam didn’t push for more, and his hand slipped into mine as he guided me away from a part of us we would never recover.

My skin prickled, and the hair on my arms rose as Adam parked the car at the hospital. It looked more like a hotel than a place where people went to die.  The car continued to idle, turbos cooling as we sat in silence. I fought the urge to tell Adam to leave–to go anywhere but here and never return again. Adam’s blank expression and heaving chest indicated he must be thinking something along those lines too. I rubbed my sweaty palms against my skirt as my muscles bulged with the urge to run away. They tightened further when I heard Adam take a deep breath, and his keys jingled as the car’s motor finally ceased.

“We can do this,” Adam said as he stared at the white rose sitting on the dashboard. He reached for it, and my eyes ran from the rose up his exposed forearm to the once pressed but now wrinkled white button-up to his pale face. He licked his lips, and I watched as he swallowed. “We can do this.”

A shiver ran through my body, and I closed my eyes as I trembled. The warmth of Adam’s palm cupping my chin caused my body’s jerking to softened, and I opened my eyes.

“Okay,” I said, reminding myself we needed to do this for Tara. “Let’s do this.”

Instead of rushing in from the rain like the last time we arrived at the hospital, we slowly walked up the steps hand in hand. The day was already fading, and the air was crisp again as if it might snow. The world was still a frozen wasteland from the weather that caused the accident, but now it was dotted with ugly patches of brown and gray sand. The beauty of the storm was showing its true, harsh and disgusting colors. Adam’s gaze was locked on me as we stood in front of the door and my breath came out in a misty ball as he opened the door. When we entered the warmth, the stagnant air hit me and filled my lungs. I felt it stop there as I fought the urge to gag and run back the way we came, but Adam’s hand found the small of my back and gently pushed me forward. His hand remained on my back as he pulled his cell phone out, looked at a text and signaled with his chin to the silver doors in front of us.

“We should take the elevator,” he said.

I nodded, afraid to open my mouth and let the air of death into my lungs. It was irrational, but all I could feel around me was death, pain, and loss. It was palatable as if I breathed it into my soul and now it was a part of me; a part of me I could no longer change or remove. I stepped into the elevator, and Adam moved behind me wrapping his arms around mine and resting his head on the top of my own. I tried to concentrate on Adam’s breathing behind me, but the red numbers flashing the floors drew me in, and I found myself watching them as they slowly flicked by. Each one jogged a breath out of me as we moved closer and closer to Tara in God knew what state. When the door opened, we didn’t move. Instead, we stared down the dull white hall as the noise of machines flickered in and out.

Another couple stepped into the elevator and looked at us expectantly.

“What floor?” the man asked.

I shook my head as if I could rattle my brain back into functioning. It didn’t work, but Adam seemed to be still able to function because he stepped around me and stuck his arm out so the elevator wouldn’t close.

“This is us,” Adam said more to me than the man as I stood holding my elbows.

Adam cocked his head at me, his eyes searching mine, and I swallowed before I forced my legs to move forward. Once they were moving, I couldn’t stop them, because I knew If I did I’d dart back onto the elevator and hit the ground floor key until it broke. Adam’s footsteps jogged up behind me as I stopped and stared at the door in front of me.

This is it.

I kept my eyes down as my hand clasped around the cold knob and then let the door slowly swing open. My eyes found the bed where Tara lay, black and blue with an intricate web of wires dancing over her embattled skin. I could feel my lip trembling as I stood there without breathing. Bobby hadn’t lived, but I couldn’t imagine Tara was alive from the way she looked. My stomach rolled.

Bobby probably wasn’t recognizable.

I lurched into the room and grabbed the trashcan by the bed, burying my head in it as my stomach heaved but nothing came out. There was nothing left in my stomach after the cemetery. Again, Adam’s fingers ran over my back, trying to comfort me as the tears streamed down my face and into my open mouth. I put my hand on the bed for support and jumped back screaming as my hand touched Tara’s cold, lifeless one.

Adam grabbed my shoulders and whipped me around before I could look at Tara.

“River!” Adam’s hands shot up to my face and held it there. “Calm down.”

Bobby’s face flashed in my mind, but it wasn’t his. It was purple and blue; his lip was busted showing his teeth as his unseeing eyes bulged.

Oh, God.

I could feel myself screaming, but I couldn’t stop it. My reaction should’ve been this way when the doctor told me Bobby was dead. I was coming apart.

“River!” Adam’s voice knocked into my head. “You need to calm down!”

The screaming that once was inside my head and was now coming out of my mouth turned into a strangled sob.

Adam’s voice cracked. “Please, River! Please, calm down.”

My head jerked back as I opened my eyes, locking them on him. I sensed there was a crowd of nurses at the door, but I kept my eyes on him.

His eyes raced over my face, panicked. “That’s it, breathe.”

“This was a bad idea,” I said, and my voice sounded as raw as my throat now felt.

“It’s okay. We had to do it sometime, now turn back around slowly,” Adam said, and his hands slipped down my body to my elbows, applying pressure to make me turn.

“I can’t, Adam,” I whispered. “She’s…God…how’s she still alive?”

“
God
, that’s how.”

I closed my eyes and turned slowly. My eyes flickered over her, and I clasped them shut again.

“Is there any part of her that’s…normal colored?” I asked, and I wondered if he heard me because I could barely hear myself.

“Not that I can see,” Adam said, his voice catching as his hands tightened on my arms.

I opened my eyes again and looked at her fully. Next to her hand was the white rose. I blinked several times before reaching forward, my hand hovering before I swallowed and wrapped it over hers.

“Tara, girl…I need you to wake up,” I said, keeping my eyes on her hand. I glanced over my shoulder at Adam. “How can she survive this?”

Adam’s gaze was locked on Tara’s face, and his thick lashes moved in rapid succession against his cheeks as he shook his head. “She has to.”

I cracked my aching eyes open, blinking them as if it would help the dryness that set in when all the tears were gone. I cried myself to sleep in Adam’s arms after seeing Tara, but now the space beside me was empty.

“Adam?” I asked as I sat up, cursing as pressure pushed hard against my temples. I squeezed my eyes shut as I placed my hands on my temples, rubbing them as if it would help the horrible ricocheting in my head. I fought the urge to throw up yet again as I stood, putting my hand on the headboard as I rocked on my feet. “Adam?” I called again as I stumbled forward. I made my way to the bedroom door expecting to see him on the couch, but he wasn’t. My heart started beating to match my headache. “Adam!” I said, looking around the empty apartment as my breathing heaved.

I heard a soft moan from the kitchen and rushed towards the island, sliding on my socks around it. I grasped the corner to slow myself as Adam came into view slumped against the cabinets with an empty bottle of SoCo. I bent down and tilted his head up. I knew he bought the bottle for New Years, but he hadn’t touched it until now.

“Adam…Did you drink that whole thing?”

“Head hurts,” he said. His words slurred as his head fell forward into my chest. “Hold me.”

“Come on,” I said as I attempted to pull him up.

“Head hurts,” he repeated, supporting his weight against mine. My head still pounded, but I was too busy concentrating on not dropping him to focus on it.

“Can you somewhat walk?” I asked as I leaned against the counter.

His head rolled from side to side. “Sure.”

I doubted his response, but somehow we managed to stumble our way to the bedroom where I dropped him on the bed and collapsed next to him. The pounding in my head rushed back, and I found myself breathing rapidly as the waves of pain squeezed against my skull.

“You okay?” Adam asked as he cuddled into me.

Not really.

“You shouldn’t have drank that whole bottle,” I replied.

“Mhmm…tell me about it,” he said, tucking his nose in my neck and letting his alcohol filled breath wash over me.

I gagged, turning my head away from him and staring at the wall of guitars. I wished he chose to play one of them to distract himself instead of getting drunk, but I imagined it was easier to open the bottle and tip the liquid into his throat to numb his mind. A part of me understood the urge to drink, but for me, it just wasn’t strong enough. I sighed as I turned and wrapped my arms around him, letting my hands drift over his arms until it lulled us both to sleep.

When I woke my eyes didn’t hurt as much anymore, but the feeling of weight inside my chest hadn’t lifted. I rubbed my face before rolling over to see Adam sitting by the window. His face was painted in pale moonlight, and his eyes filled with the sadness that seemed to have become a part of us. He didn’t stir as I crawled out of bed and moved towards him. His chest rose as he sighed and moved to pull me into his arms. He rested his head on my shoulder, and his arms snaked around mine until our fingers were intertwined. “How do we move forward?”

I let my body sink deeper into his arms. “We just do.”

“You say that as if it’s the easiest thing in the world,” he answered, and his chest rumbled with a sarcastic laugh.

I swallowed and pulled away, looking down at him as I turned in his lap. “I didn’t say it was going to be easy.”

“Riv,” his eyelashes fluttered; “I didn’t mean it like that.”

He pressed his fingers to his temples, and I felt my heartbeat slow as I watched him struggling to explain how he was feeling. I put my hands on his shoulders, letting my thumbs brush his neck now stippled with a heavy five o’clock shadow.

“I know… I just don’t think there’s a secret to getting over this,” I replied, letting my shoulders rise and drop before continuing; “I don’t know there
is
a way to ever get over this. We just have to move on from it.”

Adam’s hands dropped over mine, and the warmth of his touch spread up my limbs until I felt a small smile tugging at my lips.

“We have each other,” I said.

Adam’s eyes drifted from my lap, up my body until they met mine. “That’s all we’ve ever really needed, isn’t it?”

He licked his lips, and I felt the inevitable pull of my body towards his. He lifted his hand and let it caress my cheek, before slipping it behind my neck and moving me towards him until our lips touched. It started with a soft kiss, but desperation sunk in as I leaned my body closer, and his hands drifted down my spine to grip my hips. His lips crushed into mine, spreading them, so his tongue met my own. I tangled my fingers in his hair as he moved my legs and stood, carrying me to the bed without his lips leaving mine. I pulled away gasping, and he tucked his head into my neck, his tongue washing over my bare skin as he slipped his hands under my shirt and then lifted it off. I knew we should talk, but words were always useless with Adam and I. Instead, I let the physical consume me and settle the pain that rose inside my soul. For that moment, it overrode the doubt that all we needed was one another.