Journey From the Summit (13 page)

The flight home was a long fourteen-hour one. I felt the pull as I journeyed further and further from Saul, feeling the distance like a gaping maw between us. Although I hadn’t seen him for over two weeks now, I had still felt nearby while I’d been in Thailand – just a short flight away. Now I was going home, away from everything that represented being near him, and my heart ached with longing for him.

I knew my parents would be waiting for me at Heathrow. I wanted to see them and feel enveloped in their unconditional love, but I was dreading looking into their eyes as I revealed the truth of the past few months to them.

As far as they knew I had been travelling with Saul the whole time, right up until I left India. I had told them that he would be staying on for a few more months to continue travelling with his friend and that we would be together when he came home. I knew that my story would be questioned when I saw them. It was easy to lie from thousands of miles away when communication was so poor, but face-to-face I had no choice but to show them the contents of Pandora’s box.

I knew my parents loved me unreservedly, but because of my strict catholic upbringing I was very worried about how they would receive the truth. The fact that I had lied to them so terribly was bad enough, but the actuality that I was desperately in love with a man who was in prison on a drugs charge, and that I had gone to the other side of the world knowing this and put myself in grave danger by travelling alone, all because of my love for him – they were going to be crushed. This was everything a parent didn’t want for their daughter, and especially parents like mine who were so conservative. When I thought back to my brother’s reaction, I realized with mounting dread that that was a very diluted version of what I could expect from my mum and dad.

Chapter Seventeen

I arrived at Heathrow early in the morning, feeling groggy and stiff from my long flight. Seeing the faces of my mum and dad as I came through the arrivals gate really made coming home for me. The relief as they saw me was so apparent – their little girl was back in one piece.

We chattered non-stop as we walked to the car and loaded my backpack into the boot. We made idle chitchat about the flight, the weather, and my suntan. They commented on the fact that I had lost weight, but I led them to believe it was the diet of fresh fish, and abundance fruit and veg, coupled with the odd upset stomach, rather than the truth of the stress I had been exposed to. It wasn’t until they had me in the confines of the car that they began to ask more probing questions.

“So Florence, where is Saul? Why has he not returned with you? Is there a problem, have you fallen out?” my mum asked.

“We thought it seemed a little odd that he would let you travel first to Thailand and then home all alone? If he really cared shouldn’t he be keen to travel home too and be with you now? Why is he continuing his travels without you?” my dad joined in.

The questions continued in this vein – all perfectly legitimate, reasonable inquiries.

“Mum, Dad, can we just get home. I’m really tired; I’ve hardly slept all night. When I’ve had a bath and something to eat, I will sit down and tell you everything.”

I watched an exchange of worried glances between them. I had just confirmed that there was indeed a problem, but I don’t think at that time they had any idea what it could be.

I lay back in the bath and let the warm water cocoon my tired body. It felt so good to let the warmth seep into my aching limbs, washing away the residue of my travels, and lulling me into a deep state of relaxation. I tried not to think about the conversation my parents were waiting to have with me, submerging myself in the warmth and putting off the inevitable.

Finally, when I couldn’t delay it any longer, I sat wrapped in a fluffy robe hugging a mug of tea and began to tell my parents the truth about my trip.

They both sat quietly as I spoke and surprisingly didn’t ask any questions but just let the tale unravel.

I tried not to notice the disappointment and worry written on their faces as I spoke, and tried to remain impartial to their obvious unease and distaste.

My mother started to cry, quietly at first, and then louder disconnected sobs escaped her as she realized what her daughter had been involved with and how badly I had let her down. My dad said nothing at first; an absorbent sponge to my story, but then he looked at me searchingly as he asked me if there was anything at all they could do to help. I was so touched by his response that initially I did not react. He offered to call Saul’s parents and talk to them to see what they could do. I don’t think I had ever loved my dad so much as I did at that moment. I realized what a really wonderful man he was, to appreciate my pain and my love for a man he had only ever briefly met over his own beliefs of right and wrong. Knowing how rigid my parents were in their principles, I understood how this was very much going against the grain for him. He must have wanted to get angry, or at least tell me that I was throwing my life away, wasting my time, breaking his heart by putting myself in danger and giving my heart to a man who could end up in a situation as grave as this. But he didn’t. He held his own fears, his own reservations inside and held out his hand to me. I stood up and threw my arms around him stifling a sob of my own. Then I went to my mum and put my arms around her too. I knew that, although she was taking it badly, she would be there for me too. I had wonderful parents, and this day was perhaps the first time in my life I had fully appreciated this.

It was so comforting to be able to talk to my parents openly and confide in them.  I wanted so badly for them to know Saul, and then they would understand why I loved him so much. No decent parent would ever choose this type of situation for their daughter, and considering their staunch beliefs coupled with the fact that they really didn’t know this man who had my heart, it was truly amazing that they reacted so kindly. I felt, once again, that I had let them down, but this time I couldn’t wait to prove to them that I was actually making the very best decision of my life in being with this man. In truth, although they didn’t realize it yet, there wasn’t a man on this earth who, given the chance, would love their daughter more than Saul did.

A few days later my dad was true to his word and called Saul’s parents in America to speak to them. He wanted them to know that he was offering to help. They were staggered by his kindness, and thus began a friendship between our families. I found great comfort in this, and that now I could call and speak to his parents and together we could discuss Saul’s case.

Daniel, was diligent about keeping everyone updated, sending faxes to both his parents and to Adam in Australia, letting everyone know what was happening as much as he possibly could. Whenever his parents received word, they called us straight away – saving Daniel the job of having to send us separate news.

I hadn’t received a letter from Saul since I’d been home, so when one finally arrived for me at my parents’ house, I was thrilled.

Having had no contact with him for over three weeks, I had felt bereft. Hearing about his case from Daniel via his parents was really helpful, especially as it was so regular, but it was not the same as hearing from Saul directly.

As always I wanted to be alone to read it, so shutting myself in my room at Mum and Dad’s, I carefully opened his letter.

Darling Flossie,

I’m so sorry I haven’t written for a while. I wanted to wait until I knew you were home so that your letter didn’t arrive with the address of the prison on the back of it before you had had a chance to tell your parents about it. How have they taken it? I hope they don’t hate me. If only they knew how much I love you, they would know that all I want is to take care of you. When I get home, I want a chance to prove to them that I am good enough for you. I know that will be hard after this, but I will do whatever it takes.

I miss you so much. I know I only got to see you twice a week, but knowing you were just a few miles away helped a lot. Now you are thousands of miles away, I feel the gap like a huge void in my heart. I wonder every day what you are doing, who you are with and how you are feeling. I know you have probably written to me since you got home, but I haven’t received anything as yet. I got your postcard from Thailand – it looks beautiful there, I hope one day you can take me and show me the sights!

Apart from missing you not much has changed. I know Daniel has been filling you in and you’ll know we are still just waiting. The money we have been spending on the case is going according to plan. (I knew here that Saul was talking about the bribes working in our favour with the witnesses, but he couldn’t be specific in his letter as they were censored.)

I feel as though I have been here forever, Flossie. I find it hard to picture normal life – it all seems like something that only happens to other people. It’s been almost eight months, and although to some that may not seem long, to be in the same room with the same people day after day, night after night, really is mind-blowingly monotonous – I guess that’s what loss of liberty means, but god knows it’s insufferable not knowing when or even if it will end!

Luckily for me I have made some good friends here, Floss. I suppose sharing a confined space with the same people every day forces you to either get on or to have constant friction. We all want it to be as pleasant as possible so we choose to get on. One guy I have befriended is a swami, or guru. The guards call him a tourist baba – hanging out with the tourists and ‘teaching’ them the ways of the Hindu culture. Most of them love this, feeling as though they have really found themselves by listening to his wisdom! It’s quite funny really because although he clearly knows his stuff, and his stories are quite interesting, his real interest is not to bring enlightenment to these folk, but to extort money and gifts from them. He is in here on a drugs charge! He does keep some of us entertained and has genuinely taught me a lot about the Hindu religion and culture – maybe I have found myself!! Only kidding, don’t worry, I haven’t become some delusional westerner, thinking that I now understand the ways of the world!

I hope we can live together as soon as I return, as I never want to be away from you again. Even if we have to share a house or a flat with other people, as long as we can be together. I have written to my old boss to ask if he has any carpentry for me when I get back, and I’m sure that he will help if he can.

I am planning our life together Flossie, because it’s all I want – just to be with you.

Write to me soon.

All my love always,

Saul

xxxx

It was all I wanted too! To get him away from that place where nightmares are made, where madness resides, and bring him home to me. I wanted to soothe his torment and help him rebuild his strength, making new and happy memories that made his experiences fade and ebb away. I wanted to hold him in my arms and never let him go, but I still didn’t know when I might get my heart’s desire.

How could I go and look for a house or a flat when I didn’t know when he was coming back? It could be weeks, months or even years, if they decided to convict him. I shuddered at that thought but knew I had no choice but to remain in limbo until an ultimate conclusion was reached, and right now we didn’t even know how long they would take to do that.

Chapter Eighteen

I must have been home for about a week, when Dad came to my room one evening saying he needed to talk to me.

By the expression on his face I knew it wasn’t going to be something good. I couldn’t think what it could be as I had already had the worst conversation with them, so surely nothing else could be wrong?

“I had a letter, while you were away,” he began. “Your aunt wrote to me and told me some worrying things.”

My head was reeling. My sweet aunty Pattie had promised not to speak to my parents before I had had a chance to; surely she had kept her promise? She seemed so genuine; I couldn’t believe she would go back on her word.

“Aunty Pattie?” I began to ask.

“No,” Dad stopped me, “not Aunty Pattie, Aunty Dorris.”

Aunty Dorris – my dad’s other sister who also lived somewhere in India – the one who was not the sweet lady that her sister was.

“What did it say?” I asked truly interested. I had never met this aunt, so was not concerned at this point.

“I think it’s best if you read it, Florence,” he said handing it to me and leaving the room.

I opened the flimsy airmail letter, my curiosity now peaking.

Dear Joseph,

I must ask after your health, and hope this letter finds you well. I apologize for not writing sooner to enquire, dear brother, but I hope you know you are in my thoughts often.

I write to you now with concern for your daughter, Joseph. I don’t know if you are aware of her antics, but I think you will want to know.

She has come here to India and visited our parents’ house. She has been asking all sorts of questions of Tadoo, and even bribing her with money and jewellery to gain information. It seems to me that she and her boyfriend have designs on that house which, as you know, belongs to Pattie and me. I would like you to confirm both to her and to us that you have indeed relinquished your rights to it, and that she therefore has no rights to it either. Poor Tadoo wrote to me, clearly very upset by her threats, and I had to go all the way to Goa to calm her down!

To make matters worse, it seems that to get the funds to bribe poor Tadoo, she has been selling drugs and prostituting herself for money. I am shocked, Joseph, that my own flesh and blood would behave in such a manner, and I’m ashamed to call her my niece.

I hope you will reprimand her when she arrives home and see to it that she is appropriately dealt with. I trust that with your advice she will not make any more enquiries about the house, and that you will as I have asked reiterate that she has absolutely no rights whatsoever.

Once again I must apologize to write to you with this upsetting news, but I know you would do the same for me if it were one of my dear children.

Stay well, dear brother.

Much love

Dorris

I was shaking! How dare she!!! Who the hell did she think she was to write such a letter? Oh I could see exactly what she was doing: she was afraid that I wanted to take her precious house, and was making sure that my father was on her side, by trying to paint me as some sort of blackmailing drug-crazed whore. I was seething. This woman had never met me; she was clearly the total opposite of my aunty Pattie!

Getting up I knocked on Dad’s door.

“Dad, I am lost for words! I have told you everything about my time in India, and come clean with you. She is a selfish, crazy, twisted woman!” I said waving the letter angrily. “She is just trying to stop me having any financial interest in the house – of which I have absolutely none, it never even crossed my mind!”

I proceeded to tell my dad about my visit to the house and why I gave Tadoo my ring and Daniel had given her a little money.

“Florence, sit down,” he said calmly. I was standing, still wildly gesticulating in my anger. “I had a pretty good idea that very little of her letter was true, as for one, she never writes, unless she wants something, and secondly, because I know that she has lied – Tadoo is illiterate and cannot write, so she would not have written to Dorris! She has obviously got wind of the fact that you went there, and managed to twist the information she was given to try and turn me against you. But, dear Florence, I think I know my own daughter, and although I’m not going to pretend I’m happy with the situation as it is, this has nothing to do with her or even the house! I know you well enough to know that what she says is a pack of lies, to get me to make sure you leave that house alone. I wish I had never told you to go there, I should have known it would only start trouble.”

“How dare she Dad! What a nasty horrible thing to do!”

Mum had been sitting quietly listening, but now she joined in, “What makes me so angry is that she knows your dad has been unwell with his heart, and she knows how stressful the content of her letter would be, but does she care about that? Oh no! All she cares about is her inheritance – that’s what she’s like. She’s always been spoilt and selfish. So unlike Pattie.”

“I’m going to write to her,” I said crossly. “I am not going to sit back and allow anyone to say such slanderous things about me, or to cause you that type of stress for her own personal gain! How could she!” I ranted.

“Flossie! I think it’s best left alone. Don’t write, it will make things worse – she is from a generation where children are seen and not heard – she won’t take it kindly.”

“Dad! I don’t care! She has been evil!! There is no way she should get away with saying such horrible things about me – she has never even met me!!”

I couldn’t wait to put pen to paper and tell her exactly what I thought of her slanderous lies. I made sure I began by addressing her as ‘Dorris’ and not ‘Aunty Dorris’, in my letter; I knew this in itself would rile her, that I had been disrespectful enough not to address her properly. I told her that what she had done was unforgivable, when she had never even met me, to make up such horrible lies just to keep me from her precious house. Finally, I told her that she should never contact my dad again if she had any regard at all for his health, and that as far as I was concerned she was no aunt of mine!

It was about three weeks after this that a letter arrived in the post from her – but not to me! She had written to my dad telling him how hurt she was that I had been so rude to her!! She said that not only was I all the things that she had told him, but a disrespectful cheeky madam as well. She added that no child of hers would ever be so discourteous to an elder, and she hoped my father could now see what type of child he had raised. It was ludicrous – she was clearly delusional. I was livid, I wanted to write to her again telling her what a crazy sick old woman she was, but this time Dad put his foot down saying that it was over, no good would come of it, and I wasn’t to reply to this at all. Fortunately my dad decided to stop all contact with her, and ignored her letter and any further correspondence. I felt sad for my father that he’d fallen out with his sister, but I don’t think it was much of a loss to him, as she had shown her true colours once and for all and he had no real feelings left for her. Nothing more was ever said about Valentino Villa – but I’m glad I got to see the home of my grandparents before it was crudely denied us all.

I needed to repay my dad the money he had lent me, and was determined to do this as quickly as I could. Some of my friends were heading down to the Glastonbury festival, and I thought this would be a great place to sell the jewellery and trinkets I had bought on my travels. So I packed up my sleeping bag and my wellies and went off for the long weekend.

It was so good to see my friends and I felt cheered by my reunion with them and the chance to have some time to relax and do something fun too. Although it was a wet weekend, the bands were good, the company made it enjoyable, and I managed to make a fair dent in my debt as my wares were very well received.

When I returned from Glastonbury, I needed to knuckle down and find a job in order to pay off the rest of my debt, and also to save up to move out of my folks’ house.

I was lucky to find a job in a local print shop. They needed someone who could start straight away, and offered me the job. It wasn’t exciting, and I didn’t envisage a long future with them, but it was a job, and it was local.

One evening about a month after I’d come home, Jimmy arrived on my parents’ doorstep.

“Hey Floss, I thought I would come and take you out for a drink!” he grinned.

My friends had phoned and tried to get me out but I had been reluctant to go, so I guess he thought if he came round I couldn’t very well say no without appearing really rude. I hadn’t really seen him since I got back so this was an unexpected and lovely surprise. We went to the local pub and sat chattering the evening away. I told him all about my trip, pouring out the contents of my aching heart and, as I let the events unfold for him, I saw the worry etched on his brow.

“Floss, I want to ask you something that you may not have allowed yourself to consider,” he began slowly. “What will you do if they convict him? If they actually sentence him? Have you thought about that?” he continued gently.

I swallowed hard. In truth I had thought about it but only ever fleetingly. Every time the thought reared its ugly head I quickly pushed it to one side, not wanting to examine it further. But now Jimmy had made it resurface and was asking me to address it, I couldn’t ignore it.

“If they convict him, Jimmy, he will get ten years. If he gets ten years, then I get ten years too,” I said quietly.

“But Floss, you have a life, Saul wouldn’t want you to give up everything for him! He would want you to get on with your own life!”

“Jimmy, he is my life! I know he is my soulmate. If I can’t be with him, I never want to be with anyone else, so what choice would I have?”

“Ok Floss I understand that, but practically, how would you do it? You can’t afford to live in India for ten years!” he said.

I looked at him, so full of concern for me, and felt my heart contract with love for him.

“I would find a way Jim! I would have to. I would spend six months there every year and then come back here and work for six months, so I could go back again. Somehow, I would do it. I would make it work!”

“And do you really think, Floss, that after spending ten years in an Indian prison, that he would come out as the same man you loved? Do you not think that he would be just become a shadow of the man he is now?”

I hadn’t thought of this, but still in my heart I already knew the answer.

“Even a shadow of who he is would be better for me than not having him in my life Jimmy. I cannot live without him. He is everything to me now Jimmy, whatever that may be.”

Jimmy enveloped me in a warm hug. Although he didn’t want to see this happen to me, I knew he understood that my mind and heart were already made up.

The next few weeks dragged slowly, with only my letters from Saul lifting me, temporarily, when they arrived. He wrote to me as often as he could, and his letters were always filled with testimonies of his love. Every time one arrived I would take it into my room and savour it for long moments before opening it. Then I would read each word slowly, making it last as long as I could. I would then re-read, time and time again, absorbing every word until I knew them off by heart. I wrote back almost every day, sometimes postcards, sometimes letters. I knew it could be weeks before he received them, and they would always be read by the guards first, but it was important to just keep sending them. I knew how much my letters meant to him and how they helped to keep his spirits up.

Every fortnight his parents would call, usually at my place of work because of the time difference, to tell us that his case had been adjourned again. The witnesses we had bribed were still being paid not to show up in court, and this meant it would just keep being postponed over and over again. We had no idea how long it would take, or whether they would manage to conjure up new evidence – anything was possible. We hoped every day that our bribery would have the effect of exhausting the system, but every time it went to court it was the same story. We all lived in hope but also in dread. I couldn’t begin to imagine how Saul was coping with the stress, I only knew it must be a hundred times worse than my own.