Landchester Amish Love: Sarah (Amish Romance) (Landchester Amish Love Series Book 1) (4 page)

While this commotion was going on, they had forgotten about Ruth. She had heard everything.

“Poor Sarah,” she thought to herself. Of all of them she understood that some people needed privacy and Sarah was that type. While she was younger than Sarah, Ruth could understand what was at stake. As she listened to Caleb pontificate, she knew he was out of place. He didn’t live there and how dare he come in and act the father of the
haus
. Caleb, of all people, to chastise Sarah. When she heard Sarah leave and go to her bedroom, she followed after her when she saw the Caleb had gone back into the sitting room.

“How quickly people forget the demons they struggled with when younger,” Ruth muttered. She knocked gently on Sarah’s door. She didn’t want to walk in without being invited. Sarah had enough invasion of privacy for one day.

“Sarah, it’s Ruth. Let me in.”

“Come in.” Sarah managed to say between sobs. She looked up as Ruth came in just to make sure she was alone.

“Did you see what they did, Ruth? I have no privacy. I’m so annoyed with Caleb.” Sarah turned to Ruth and hugged her.

“I know. It was only a few years ago he was planning to leave but then stayed because of Anne. He’s like the old folk who go on
Rumspringa
and then forget how to have fun or that they had fun themselves. I know you have no issue with being Amish, Sarah. They didn’t seem to get that. From what I could see, the dolls looked very well made. Why did you make them with faces?” Ruth asked.

“
Ach
, Ruth, I hate the way I look. If I had been pretty then I could have found love and be married by now. Instead, I make dolls. They are the only thing I make that brings me pleasure. You should see how pretty they are with blond hair and blue eyes.”

“Do you think you make them because you think blond and blue eyed girls are pretty?” Sarah looked at Ruth.

“What do you mean?” What Ruth was saying made her curious.

“I think you have struggled with your confidence Sarah. Your sewing skills bring you some confidence and you know your Amish dolls sell the best.” Ruth looked at Sarah, everyone knew that Ruth’s dolls were the best sellers. Jacob’s
daed
told everyone he met about how talented Sarah was.

“But somehow, you can’t accept this and you turned to making what you think you should look like. But if only you saw yourself as I see you, Sarah. You are so beautiful. Your dark hair and blue eyes, you are so striking. But when you don’t like yourself, it changes a person. I think you’ve built a wall around yourself. You don’t like yourself and you don’t expect others to like you. So by creating the ideal image, you make yourself feel worse rather than better, because you know you can never change your hair color to blonde. Does this make sense to you?”

Sarah nodded. Unfortunately, it did make sense. She knew she had isolated herself. Her friends used to invite her to parties but she was too afraid of rejection to go and then they stopped asking. Sarah took that to mean they didn’t want to be with her anymore rather than they were tired of asking and the response never changing.

“I think you’ve been afraid to open up Sarah and that has kept you isolated. You know it is our philosophy that all are created equal. That’s why we dress the way we do. No one person is better or worse than another. But we must love ourselves and
Gott
before we can love others. How could you be anything less than perfect when you are made in
Gott’s
likeness. When you love yourself, then you open yourself to love.” Ruth felt bad for her
schweschder
but Sarah needed to hear the truth.

“You know Jacob Beiler? He told me I was beautiful. He said a lot of nice things to me. For once I felt comfortable in a
mann
’s company. He’s different to the others. I thought I could trust him. I told him about the dolls with faces but he just got angry about how I could do that. That surprised me. He always seemed like he go against everything but really he’s a true believer. Ruth, you should have seen how upset he got when
Englischers
broke a table. He wasn’t upset about the money but about the work Isaac had put into creating the table. I thought he’d understand my view point. I just wanted to show what I could do but perhaps you are right. I wanted to create something I could never be.”

“Sarah, not what you couldn’t be, just what you thought the ideal was. You are beautiful and
wunderbaar
. You have a such a lovely soul. You should go to Jacob and ask him how he feels about you?” Ruth was holding Sarah’s hands now.

“I couldn’t do that, Ruth, that’s too forward. I couldn’t do it. What if he hates me for wanting to make the dolls? I can’t Ruth. It’s too much. I can’t do it.”

“Sarah, all you have to do is ask him if he likes you. He doesn’t have to marry you tomorrow or even make a promise to you. You don’t even need to ask him to plan a date. It’s just if he likes you.”

“
Nee,
Ruth. That’s too forward for me.
Danke
,
scheweschder
. It has been so
gut
to talk to you. I’ve wanted to tell you about the dolls but I was afraid you might tell my secret if we got into an argument.”

“You are welcome, Sarah. I don’t judge. I listen. You have your reasons for feeling the way you do but you know, Jacob, has given you some confidence. That’s why I think it would be a
gut
idea to ask if he likes you. He had made you come out of your shell. But we’ll leave it in
Gott’s
hands.”

Sarah was feeling so much better. Having someone listen and then say what they thought, not forcing their opinion but recognizing Sarah’s pain had lifted something off her. She was feeling better within herself. So much of what Ruth had said was true. She had felt isolated for so long and she had created walls of protection around her but they had served to keep love away from her. Could she take a chance with Jacob? Sarah wasn’t sure she had the courage to do it.

Caleb and Anne had left when Sarah made her way downstairs. She didn’t feel like talking to them so had stayed in her room until the coast was clear. Ruth and their
Maemm
had made dinner. Sarah was hungry, having missed out on lunch. She had fallen asleep after her chat with Ruth. Ruth had taken over Sarah’s chores so she didn’t need to be disturbed. Their mother was still upset but Ruth asked her not to bring up the dolls to Sarah. Let it be over. Sarah had enough to deal with now.

Sarah kept to herself for the evenings. She didn’t bother making any dolls. Eventually, it was bedtime and the three Moore women went to their rooms.

Being tucked up in bed, Sarah went through the conversation she had with Ruth. She was right. They were all made in
Gott’s
likeness and as she loved
Gott
, she would need to love herself. It was dishonorable not to. She would get back in touch with her friends and begin to live her life. She knew she couldn’t just jump in right away but meeting for a
kaffe
was a good start. She had enjoyed her chats and
kaffe
with Jacob.

She pushed any thought of engaging Jacob in a discussion about whether he liked her or not to the back of her mind. Sarah couldn’t do that. It was too brazen. Jacob may not like forward girls and she couldn’t judge him now especially with his reaction to her dolls. She really didn’t know him at all.

There was a knock on the door, it was morning and time to get up. Sarah wondered where the night had gone. Despite sleeping during the day, she had slept through the night too. She would put foolishness behind her and do what she could to like herself and dare she say it, love herself. She was the likeness of
Gott
. She kept reminding herself of that. It came to her that if only the pretty girls married, then all the ugly girls would be single but that wasn’t the case at all. She could think of examples where girls whom she deemed not to be pretty or have blond hair were married to quite handsome men. Beauty was in the eye of the beholder.

Sarah could see things differently now. It was as though she had been wearing blinders and they had been removed. As she went about her chores, she found herself being distracted by thoughts of Jacob. He had said she was beautiful. He wouldn’t say such a thing unless he believed it. He wasn’t in a silly mood when he said it, he was annoyed with her. Was it worth asking him how he felt about her?

Caleb had arrived. He felt it prudent to have a presence around his
familye
home. He had felt bad for Sarah but he didn’t want her going through what he had. He was just trying to protect her and their reputation. He wasn’t sure his mother could cope with gossip. He found Sarah and wanted to apologize but of course, he had to add it was for her own good.

“Caleb, I don’t wish to speak of yesterday. I would like you to take me to Beiler’s store. I need to talk to Jacob.”

“I’ll take you but why are you going there? Weren’t you just there yesterday?”

Instead of lying, Sarah told him about Jacob and her feelings for him. She wanted to clarify if he had feelings for her. Caleb didn’t like it.

“Sarah, you shouldn’t do that.
Gut
Amish women of your age don’t ask men if they like them. You’re not a child.”

“
Danke
for acknowledging that fact, Caleb Moore, but it didn’t stop you talking to me like I was your child. Let’s go. As you say, I’m a woman and I can make up my own mind, at least until I’m a
fraa
and then my
mann
can tell me what to do and think. But you are not my
mann
or father. Just hush up, Caleb.”

Caleb knew better than to argue with Sarah. They rode to the store in silence. Sarah was concentrating on how she’d broach the subject of her liking Jacob and the question of if he felt the same. Knots were developing in her stomach and her heart was beating faster. Sarah was feeling light headed and just as Caleb was turning into the car park of the store, she grabbed his arm.

“Caleb, take me home.” Sighing with relief, Caleb turned the buggy and they headed home.

“What happened? If I can ask, that is.” Caleb looked at his
schweschder
. She was so tense.

“I couldn’t do it. I’m trying to brave. Jacob made me feel at ease. I never felt uncomfortable in his company and I enjoyed our chats. He isn’t someone I’d naturally gravitate towards, being so loud and big.” They began to laugh. Jacob was definitely loud and big.

“Love will find its way to you, Sarah. Trust in
Gott
.”

As they approached home, Sarah could see a buggy outside. It wasn’t one she recognized. Then she saw the big, tall
mann
, standing at the horse’s head, it was Jacob.

“
Gut
day, Jacob Beiler,” Caleb greeted him.

“Hello, Caleb. Hello, Sarah.” He smiled warmly but his eyes were focused on Sarah.

“What can I do for you, Jacob?” Sarah asked coyly.

“Could we talk in private please?” The usually confident Jacob seemed a little nervous.

“Sure, let’s go this way,” Sarah gestured towards the barn.

Out of earshot of Caleb, Jacob just passed pleasantries with Sarah until they reached the barn.

“Let’s sit here, Jacob, why have you called?”

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I had no right to talk to you like that. After all, I’m not anything to you.” She noticed how he blushed as he finished his sentence.

“It is okay, Jacob. It was forward of me to presume you’d understand. But you were the first person I told my secret to. However, it’s not a secret anymore. Somehow Caleb and my mother found my secret doll chest. I was scolded by you and then I arrived to another scolding at home.” Sarah was civil towards Jacob.

“I didn’t mean any disrespect to you. It’s just I’ve held you in high esteem Sarah. You are so different to the other Amish girls. You’ve never tried to be
Englisch
. You seem not to have any qualms with being Amish and I guess when you told about the dolls and the colors, it just shocked me about what could be going through your mind.” Jacob looked at Sarah.

She never expected him to have given her such thought.

“You are right, Jacob, I have no issues with being Amish but I have felt isolated and lonely and I think the dolls were my escape. Instead of the parties, I thought about creating the ideal. It’s funny how conversations can change your mind. Do you know you called me beautiful yesterday? And when I was home and after the discovery, Ruth told me to remember I was made in
Gott’s
likeness and if I love
Gott
as I say I do, then I must love myself. If you can see my beauty and I love
Gott
, then I must be beautiful.” Sarah wondered what Jacob was thinking as she spoke. She hoped he’d pick up on his own words.

Jacob stood up and knelt down so he would be face to face with Sarah.

“Sarah Moore, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It horrified me to think you didn’t feel beautiful and were making dolls to create an ideal. I want to get to know you. I think I love you, Sarah. I want you to know that you are beautiful inside and out. The dolls you make for our store are created with love. That’s what I said to you, everything we sell is made with love and great attention to detail. That comes out of you, Sarah.” Jacob’s words made Sarah cry but these were tears of joy. She felt a warm glow flood her system as Jacob stared into her eyes. His eyes were full of love.

“I think I love you too, Jacob Beiler.” Jacob stood up and he took Sarah by the hand. They walked out of the barn a couple, Sarah had opened her heart to love and Jacob was ready to love her.

(To be continued in
Ruth
)