Read Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures Online
Authors: Amber Dusick
Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (2 page)
Meet the Crappy Family
We are real people who are really married. All these stories are real and they are really about us.
In these pages you will find some generalizations about men versus women and gender roles and other topics that tend to inspire people to ride high horses or climb on soapboxes or otherwise exert themselves too much. But relax, I’m just talking about us.
Not you, not the rest of the world. I’m sure your marriage is perfect and different and modern. Congrats!
I call my husband Crappy Husband only because I draw crappy pictures. It fit the theme.
It would have been silly to call him Excellent Husband. Plus, that just sounds like bragging.
We also have two kids, Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby. But I’ll get to them later.
CHAPTER 
HAPPENS
Although we are joined by marriage, Crappy Husband and I are still two separate people. We each have our own opinions, likes, dislikes and interests. This is highly inconvenient.
A FIGHT A DAY
We fight all the time. Almost every day. However, it is rarely about our relationship, our life choices or our deeply held personal beliefs. It is about something much more important.
Especially when we are going to order in.
Then sometimes after dinner we get to decide which movie to watch.
We don’t go to bed angry. But sometimes we do go to bed without having watched a movie.
TEMPERATURE
We haven’t yet been able to calibrate our internal thermometers properly.
I always tell him to take off more clothes. He especially appreciates this advice when he is already naked.
Every once in a while he’ll let me thaw my hands under his shirt.
But most of the time I have to sneak up on him. He calls it back rape. I call it cuddling.
YOUR OPINION IS WRONG
We mostly agree on music, except when we don’t.
It couldn’t possibly be that my personal opinion differs from his.
It must be that I’m somehow lacking in understanding.
Of course, it goes both ways.
And both of us are huge fans of “You haven’t given it a chance!” even when referring to things we’ve disagreed on for years.
He also occasionally tries out, “You won’t admit that I’m right!” but that one just gets laughed at now.
Can’t we just agree to disagree? Nah, that’s no fun.
HOW I DON’T CUT PINEAPPLES
I don’t like to cut pineapples, okay? I just don’t. They are big and messy and pokey.
When we have a pineapple that needs to be cut I always bewitch Crappy Husband into doing it. (Notice how bewitch sounds so much sexier than manipulate.)
First, I feign ignorance and helplessness.
A damsel in distress! Will my brave knight come to slice the pineapple with a few swings of his sword?
Nope, he just offers advice.
So I start to chop up the pineapple by myself. Poorly.
And my knight in shining armor finally arrives! To save the pineapple.
It’s not like I’m the only one who uses this method, you know. He really does know how to operate the vacuum, but he somehow convinces me that I’m “just so much better at it” than he is.
HOW HE GETS ME TO DO ALMOST ANYTHING
We have a bunny garden. A bunny garden starts out as a regular garden but then the bunnies hijack it and eat everything.
One day, I decide to build a fence.
