Authors: Matthew McKay
Mind and Emotions (18 page)
Diego’s Listening Mindfully Worksheet
When I was talking with:
Deborah
About:
her relationship with her parents
He or she said (summarize):
They won’t keep giving her money each month unless she’s working at least ten hours a week.
In this tone of voice:
loud and agitated
With this facial expression:
frowning, red
And this body language:
leaning forward
His or her need or concern was:
She needs the money and is afraid that she can’t get a job.
I said (summarize):
I agree it’s a tough time to look for work, but I see her parents’ point of view.
In this tone of voice:
soft
With this facial expression:
small, sad smile
And this body language:
leaning back, hands folded
My need or concern was:
to show her that I understand both her position and her parents’
My emotional response was:
concern, worry
My emotions were telling me:
I have to be careful in this conversation because I want to support Deborah, but I also need to be honest about my agreement with her parents’ position.
A final hint: One way to stay focused on a conversation and make sure that you’re understanding everything is to paraphrase and ask questions. Summarize what you think you heard, and ask for further information, for example, “So what you’re saying is, your parents never really taught you how to manage your finances, right? How
did
you learn to handle money?”
Figuring Out How You Feel and What You Want
The problem with ignoring or suppressing your feelings and not asking for what you really want in relationships is that sooner or later your true feelings are likely to show up in ways that can damage relationships. For example, when Rick’s wife told him that she wanted them to spend time together on Thursday nights, his initial reaction was a sense of loss because that was when he had an acting class. However, he suppressed that feeling and went along with his wife’s request. Weeks later, he noticed that he had become quite angry and sarcastic with his wife, not only on Thursday nights but throughout the week.
When you feel stuck in a conflict, no matter how serious, the rule for figuring out what you want is simple: Truly listen to your feelings without judgment. If you can stop judging yourself or worrying about how others might judge you just for a moment, your true feelings will bubble to the surface. When that happens, briefly describe your feeling to yourself in your own words, such as “angry and disappointed,” “jealous,” or “sad and worried.”
Once you’ve labeled the basic feeling, ask yourself what you wish would happen. What do you want more of or less of? What do you want the other person to do or stop doing? Be specific, including details of who, what, where, when, and how.
Use this form to practice these skills on a recent interaction in which you felt bad and unsure of what you wanted:
Who I was with:
_______________
What happened or was said:
_______________
Where:
_______________
When:
_______________
How I reacted:
_______________
My feelings:
_______________
What I really want:
_______________
Specifics
Who:_______________
What:_______________
Where:_______________
When:_______________
Here’s an example of how Ariana figured out what she wanted from her coworker Sandra.
Who I was with:
Sandra
What happened or was said:
She plays loud music.
Where:
in her cubicle
When:
every Wednesday, when I’m posting bills and calling clients
How I reacted:
I couldn’t concentrate or hear on the phone.
My feelings:
upset, frustrated, irritated
What I really want:
peace and quiet, no music while I’m billing or on the phone
Specifics
Who:
Sandra
What:
turn off her music or use earphones
Where:
in the office
When:
Wednesday afternoons
Now that you’ve figured out what you feel and what you want, you’ll need to effectively convey that to the other person. In most cases, the gist of your communication will be a request or saying no. The next two exercises will increase your interpersonal effectiveness in both of those situations.
Making Assertive Requests
An effective assertive request—neither too aggressive nor too passive—can get you what you want with a minimum of resistance. If you’re too aggressive, people are likely to resent you and resist giving you what you want. Yet if you’re too passive, you may fail to communicate what you want, or you may ask so meekly that people will find it easy to ignore you. Here’s a detailed formula for an effective assertive request:
- Ask politely to talk
to the other person about the issue, then cover the following points. - “I think…”:
Give the facts of the situation as you see them. Don’t blame or judge. - “I feel…”:
Honestly report your emotions in the situation. Don’t pretend an evaluation or judgment is an emotion, as in “I feel you are lazy.” - “
I want…”:
Spell out the who, what, where, and how of what you really want. Ask for one thing at a time, and ask for behavioral rather than emotional or attitudinal changes. - Conclude with appreciation and a statement of the benefits
, helping the person see the advantages of giving you what you want.
Use the space below to compose your own assertive request. You can use the situation you explored in the previous exercise or a different one. If you choose a different situation, use the previous exercise to figure out how you feel about the situation and what you want.
- Ask politely to talk:
_______________ - _______________
- “I think”:
_______________ - _______________
- “I feel”:
_______________ - _______________
- “I want”:
_______________ - _______________
- Appreciation and benefits:
_______________ - _______________
Here’s how Ariana formulated her assertive request to Sandra:
- Ask politely to talk:
Can I talk to you for a minute about your music? - “I think”:
I think the soundproofing on these cubicles is worthless. I can hear your music clearly. - “I feel”:
Normally I like it, but I feel distracted on Wednesdays when I’m doing my billing and telephoning. - “I want”:
I want you to turn the music off or use headphones on Wednesday afternoons. - Appreciation and benefits:
It would really help my concentration, and I’d appreciate it very much.
Saying No
Learning how and when to say no is a fundamental interpersonal skill. When requested to do something people really don’t want to do, they often say no in an aggressive manner or give in and agree. Either way, the end result is frustration and, in some cases, escalation of interpersonal conflict. When someone makes a request and you don’t want to do what they ask, you have a right to say no. But it’s not easy, and it can be especially difficult to say no graciously and assertively. Saying no well is a two-step process:
- Validate the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or opinions.
- State your preference.
To give you an idea of how this works, here are a couple of examples:
I can see how much you’d like to spend Christmas at your parents’ place in North Carolina. However, I’d strongly prefer to stay home this year.
I understand why you’d like to buy that dining table, but I’d prefer to buy one that’s less ornate.
When practicing this skill, it’s important to keep in mind that the key is to follow the two steps just outlined without justifying or elaborating on your decision. The shorter your statement, the better. That way the other person is more likely to hear what you’re saying and not argue with you.
Now we’ll ask you to formulate a response to a specific request. Think about a situation in which someone asked you to do something you didn’t want to do. Then, in the space below, describe the situation and write an assertive statement of refusal:
Situation:
_______________
_______________
What I really want:
_______________
_______________
My assertive refusal
Validation of the other person:
_______________
_______________
My preference:
_______________
_______________
Here’s an example from Matthew, who’s been friends with Marissa for several years. Marissa has been struggling financially since her parents passed away and often asks Matthew to lend her money. Matthew cares for Marissa and doesn’t want her to have financial difficulties, so he usually agrees, even though Marissa never pays him back. He’s been feeling resentful about this situation for a while. One Sunday afternoon, Marissa asked Matthew to lend her five hundred dollars to cover her rent. Matthew doesn’t want to lend Marissa any money, and particularly not this much, because he doubts she’ll pay him back. Here’s how Matthew completed this exercise.
Situation:
Sunday, Marissa asked me to lend her five hundred dollars.
What I really want:
to tell her I can’t lend her the money this time
My assertive refusal
Validation:
I realize how much you need rent money.
Preference:
Unfortunately, I can’t lend you any money this time.
Practicing Interpersonal Skills
Now that you understand conceptually how to listen mindfully, figure out what you want, make assertive requests, and say no, the next step is to practice. There are three ways to practice interpersonal skills before trying them out on real people: using scripts, practicing in front of a mirror, and imagery rehearsal.
USING SCRIPTS
Writing scripts of your requests or statements can be extremely helpful. In writing out your scripts, make sure that your requests are very specific and that they reflect your true feelings and desires. Consider writing them on index cards and carrying the cards with you until these interpersonal effectiveness skills become second nature. Anytime you anticipate being in a situation where you need to use these skills, review the cards just before entering the situation.
PRACTICING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR
It makes a significant difference to practice these skills in front of a mirror. Doing so will help you feel more comfortable when you implement them in real life. Here are the recommended steps:
- Identify a place where you’ll feel comfortable rehearsing. Ideally, find a place that’s quiet and free of distractions, and where you feel safe.
- Place yourself in front of the mirror, review your written script, and then put it down.
- Say your statement aloud and note your expression, posture, and tone of voice. Keep at it until you look and sound strong and convincing.
IMAGERY REHEARSAL
In imagery rehearsal, you practice using only your imagination. This approach allows you to visualize more complex situations, including how others might respond to your requests. Before you begin, write down all of the steps involved in delivering your message: making your scripted statement, the other person’s response, how that response might make you feel, and repeating your request until the other person agrees.
Once you’ve written all of this down, sit or lie down in a quiet place, close your eyes, and relax. Visualize each step until you feel confident that you can perform it or deal with it in real life.
Here’s an example from Donald, who used imagery rehearsal before calling his estranged son to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner. After writing down his statement, his son’s potential response, and how he’d repeat his request, he laid down on the couch, closed his eyes, and took several deep, slow breaths. Then he imagined himself walking out onto the deck, calling his son, and hearing his son say, “Hello?”
Donald saw himself calmly leaning against the railing and saying, “Hi, Rich, this is your dad,” and then hearing Rich make some typical, sarcastic reply, like “Well surprise, surprise. How many drinks did it take to get up the courage to call me?”
“Actually, I’ve stopped drinking.”
“Yeah, right. How many hours has it been?”
Donald imagined the feelings of shame and anger that might make him want to shout at Rich and hang up, and then visualized himself continuing in a calm, matter-of-fact voice: “I’m four months sober as of yesterday.”
“You don’t say.”
“I called to invite you to Thanksgiving dinner.”
