My Body-His Marcello (8 page)

When I finished
stretching I trudged onto the sand, still at a loss what to do. I
watched the waves for a while, hoping an answer might come to me,
but none did.

I retrieved my
things from the shop and headed up Dania Beach Boulevard. The
stupidity of giving up my apartment and car hit me hard. For once I
should have listened to my mother.

As I reached the
corner of Griffin and US1, I saw Pandora’s Box on the left.
Gingerly removing my pack, I sat on one of the parking stumps and
stared at the shop and then at the motel across the street. I
decided the shop was a possible solution. I stowed my stuff behind
a bush around the wall of the building and held my breath as I rang
the bell.

The buzz of the
door unlocking gave me brief hope. I quickly grasped the handle and
pushed my way in.

“
Can I
help you?” Christian said from behind the counter. Then he
recognized me. As soon as we made eye contact, the tears streamed
down my face.

“
Jane,
what is it?” he said. His long, skinny form glided out from behind
the counter. The Alex Clare concert t-shirt and baggie shorts along
with the scruffy hair on his chin gave him a skater boy look. A
leather rope held his shoulder-length curly brown hair back from
his face. I saw in his warm hazel eyes the compassion I
needed.

“
It’s
over,” I said. I couldn’t manage to get anything else
out.

Putting his arm
around me, he led me to the back and said, “Talk to me.”

We passed through
the back room where he had once fitted me with a large Tulip butt
plug and into what looked like a living room. The room had a ’70s
feel to it. The carpet was thick shag the color of brown mustard
and the walls were covered with wood paneling. It reminded me of
one of the apartments my father had lived in over the
years.

In that moment I
knew who I should call. I could stay with my father for a while.
Unlike my mother, he would keep a cool head.

“
Something just shifted for you,” Christian said.

“
Oh
it’s this room. It reminds me of a place my father once lived in.
Plus I realized there is someone I could call.”

“
Do
you need a phone?”

“
Yeah,
that would be great.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

Christian left
the room and I thanked my lucky stars for my ability to remember
phone numbers in this day of cellphones and contact lists. My
father had flitted in and out of my life since my mother divorced
him over twenty years ago.

“
Here,” he said, handing me a cordless telephone. “Please click
over if another call comes in.” He left me alone.

I dialed the
number in my head and waited as the phone rang.
Please answer,
please answer
, I thought to myself.

“
Hello?” my father said.

“
Hi,
Dad,” I said.

“
Janey?” he said. His voice sounded so happy and
jubilant.

“
Yes,
Daddy.”

“
I
didn’t think I would hear from you this time. It’s been awhile
since I gave your mother my number.”

“
Lots
has been happening in my life lately. I’ve been meaning to call
sooner—”

“
Well,
I’m very glad to be hearing from you now. When can I see
you?”

“
I’m
happy you asked, Dad, because I was hoping I could stay with you
for a couple of nights.” I paused. When he didn’t respond I
continued, “I’m between places to live right now. It’s a long story
but I need a place to crash for a couple of days while I make other
arrangements.” I stood up and began pacing the room.

“
What
about your mother? Why not stay with her?”

“
You
of all people have to ask me that?”

“
I’m
too set in my ways to have anyone stay at my place, Janey, and
there’s really not enough room for another person.”

“
Jesus
Christ, Dad! Is it too much to hope you could be there for me once
in my life?” I collapsed back into the chair.

I faced in that
moment the suffering that comes with being truly alone in the
world.
Beyond
alone, because I felt unsure of how much of
myself still remained.

“
Jane,
I am who I am and I’m not going to start apologizing for it
now.”

“
Don’t
bother. Stop calling me or trying to get in touch with me, Dad. I’m
no longer interested.” I ended the call without giving him a chance
to respond.

I sensed death
scraping at my door. I had brought on my current predicament
myself. I honestly thought death would be a relief from my hopeless
circumstances. I couldn’t see how Luke and I would reconcile. I
would always be alone. No one would ever find me lovable for the
long term.

I sank into the
yellow recliner, pulling my legs up to my chest in crushing grief
over my quandary. I did not sob aloud or even breathe heavily.
Silent tears of utter despair welled in my eyes and trickled down
my cheeks.

Christian knocked
gently before coming in. “Are you done with the phone?” He rounded
in front of me and knelt down, taking me in his arms.

His gesture
opened the gates of Hades and an avalanche of pain and sorrow
gushed forth. He held me fast and tight for a long time while my
body emotionally purged the present and the past. After what seemed
like hours, my heaving sobs abated. Exhausted, I simply leaned
there in his arms.

He pulled away
slowly, not completely letting go. “Do you want to talk about it?”
he said.

I sank back into
the chair and he settled into the matching recliner next to mine. I
shared the story of Luke, including the first time we met.
Christian knew about the house and the parties.

“
I
didn’t realize it was a sex party,” I said, “but honestly, I knew
something was up with Scott. He pretty much abandoned me as soon as
we arrived. My cell had no signal so I found my way upstairs, into
Luke’s bedroom. I was immediately captivated by his presence, even
though he scared me.”

“
What
scared you?” said Christian, shifting onto his side and looking
deep into my eyes—as though hoping to learn as much from
observation as from my words.

“
This
might sound silly, but I could
feel
him, even when he stood
across the room from me. His intensity enveloped me and pulled at
my sex. I was frightened and turned on at the same time. So when he
demanded my panties, his hand held out waiting for them, I
complied.” I sighed heavily.

“
Sounds hot to me,” Christian said, raising one
eyebrow.

“
He
ordered me downstairs to get us two beers and a pack of cigarettes.
When I returned,
so
stimulated, he took control and made me
cum twice. He kept spouting rules for me to commit to memory but
all I could think about was the mania of passion he’d released in
me. I wanted him to fuck me hard right then but instead he spanked
me like I was a little girl. It twisted me in a way I didn’t
understand.”

Christian
whistled. “That’s
hot
, Jane,” he repeated.

I rolled my eyes
and continued, “We moved in together after less than a week and my
life was flipped upside down. The reason I’m not busy getting ready
for my honeymoon right now is because of something I did at the
start of us living together. He kept his office locked and I wanted
… no
,
needed
to
know more about him. When his phone kept ringing every hour—I now
know it was his ex, Janice, calling—he told me where I could find
the key to his office. I knew I should just switch off the ringer
and lock the key inside but I couldn’t resist the temptation. I
went through all his files and cabinets, hoping to learn something.
I dropped a batch of files and I reassembled them incorrectly. I
put the photos and negatives back in the wrong folders. I should
have confessed when I had the chance, after I told him about
exploring his website.”

“
Why
didn’t you?”

“
I
thought he wouldn’t want to marry me anymore, that he wouldn’t
forgive me.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“
I
see.”

“
But
our relationship is different now. It’s not like it was back
then.”

“
Trust
is trust, Jane, and in a Dom/sub relationship it’s
paramount.”

“
I
know, I know. I just don’t know what the hell to do about it now,”
I said, wrapping my arms around my legs and pulling them tightly
into my chest.

“
I’m
surprised he would kick you out.”

“
Oh,
he didn’t.” I laid my head on top of my knees.

“
Oh?”
he said, shock written on his face. “I’m wondering, though, do you
really think you can live without Luke? Sounds to me you’re still
very much in love with him.”

“
He
was going to send me to Marcello’s, so I just left.” I turned my
head sideways to look at Christian and said, “I am in love with
him, but I won’t let Marcello touch me.”

“
Why
not?”

“
Because he has no sense of balance or mercy. At least with
Luke the ultimate goal is my pleasure. He will push the boundaries
of what that means and will use the discipline to send a message.
Other than the time Janice whipped me at Marcello’s command, all
the other disciplines have ended in my intense
pleasure.”

“
And
Marcello?”

“
He’s
a different breed altogether. Did you see him at the wedding? His
arrogance is unrivaled. He derives pleasure from mere torture. He
doesn’t aim to just push the boundaries; he wants to obliterate
them.”

“
I
see,” he said.

“
Did I
tell you that Marcello gets to decide when Janice eats?”

“
That
is not uncommon in this lifestyle, Jane.”

“
Maybe
that’s true but I don’t understand it.” I sat up, shaking my head.
“I don’t understand myself. I never sought out this lifestyle. It
just sort of found me. I’m not like Janice.”

“
I
don’t think you’re so different. It’s a matter of
degrees.”

“
Sorry, but I have to disagree with that.” I put my head down
again, looking away from him.

“
Take
Marcello, for instance,” he persisted. “When you talk about him,
your brow furrows. You feel intense anger toward this
man.”

“
Shouldn’t I? He has some weird control over Luke and he wants
me for his own.”

“
Look,
it feels to me like you’re ... How do I say this? You’re intrigued
by him or challenged or maybe even attracted.”

“
Don’t
be ridiculous. The man repulses me, plain and simple.”

“
Okay,” he said, shrugging.

Christian’s
comments irked me. The fact remained that Marcello did intrigue me
on some level, but I was too disgusted by the thought to admit it
to myself. In that moment I wanted to run away from Christian, too,
but I had no other place to go.

“
Can I
crash here for the night?”

“
Sure,
as long as you need to, but Jane—”

“
Hmmm,” I said, so relieved not to be out on the
street.

“
You
will go back to Luke and if I know the kind of man he is, he will
insist you do the very thing that made you leave. Do you get my
meaning?”

“
Yes I
do.”

“
There
are things I could do to help you prepare if you’d
like.”

“
I’m
not going back, Christian. I need to see about getting a job and a
new place to live. Going back and letting Marcello have a chance at
me isn’t an option.”

“
Okay,
if you say so.”

Christian left
the room and returned a few minutes later with sheets, a pillow,
blankets and a towel. “That couch is pretty comfortable in a pinch.
I spent many a night on it while I was still married,” he said and
chuckled.

“
Thank
you so much. You’ve saved my life.”

“
The
bathroom’s through there,” he said, pointing over his shoulder. The
buzzer sounded on the door. “I need to get out there. I suggest you
shower and get some sleep.” He placed the bedding on the couch and
left the room.

I realized once
he had departed that my bag still remained outside in the bushes. I
waited until I heard the customer leave and went out into the
shop.

“
I
need to get my stuff. I left it outside,” I said, traipsing toward
the door.

“
I’ll
get it for you. Where outside?” he said, blocking my way with his
body.

“
Oh,
thanks, but I can take care of it.” I tried to side-step
him.

“
Jane,
you should get in the shower; it will do you some good. I will
bring your stuff to you.”

“
It’s
behind the bush on the right of the building if you’re facing it.”
I acquiesced because I didn’t have the strength to fight
him.

He went toward
the front of the store as I headed back into the year 1972. The
bathroom had baby blue tiles interspersed with bright orange
highlight tiles. It looked far from attractive but he kept the
small five-by-eight immaculate. I reached into the tub shower and
started the water.