Not Without My Sister (14 page)

"B-b-but he's cryi—" Slap!
These things made it very difficult for me to keep being nice to him, though I did want to be—not because I loved or even liked him; I hated him—but because I desperately wanted for us all to get along and be happy, and some instinct told me that by liking Joshua I might make Mum's life a little easier.
It was during this time that Joshua's parents came over from Australia to meet us and get to know us. They booked themselves into a hotel to be near us so they could take us out every day. They were nice, breezy Australians who seemed so kind and affectionate it seemed amazing that Joshua was their son. They told us to call them Nan and Papa and accepted us immediately as their grandchildren. I loved them because they interacted with us in a very natural way, something that Mum never did. She had the ability to go off into her own world, a kind of mental switching off. Perhaps it was the only escape she had.
Finally Mum received the long-awaited reply from Dad. When Joshua went out, I snuggled up to her in bed, and we poured over the letter.
He wanted us back!
My heart sang with joy and Mum smiled as she stroked my hair. "We'll soon be a family again," she said. "I can't wait to see Celeste—it's been so long." I nodded in silent agreement.
Using contraceptives was considered rebellion against God. Mum truly believed that God would only allow her to get pregnant if it was His Will—and when she became pregnant with her fourth child through Flirty Fishing, all our hopes of escape were dashed. As usual, she was ill and bedridden most of the time, so no further plans to join Dad were made.
A single brother living in our home witnessed Joshua's abuse of Mum and wrote to Dad about it. Dad wrote back with some concern, saying he had received this information, but that was as far as it went and we heard nothing more for some time. I would quietly ask Mum when he was coming for us and still cried at night for my daddy—but it made no difference. I was stuck in the middle of a nightmare without end.
After she recovered from the worst of her morning sick-ness Mum wrote again to Dad, telling him she was desperate to come back, but he replied that he was with a new sister, Crystal. "The door is now closed," he wrote in his letter. When Mum read the words to me, I wanted to cry but didn't know how.
When I had turned four, Mo issued the "Go Caravan" initiative. He decided that if Family members lived in one place too long, not only would they become tied down to the System, but they would also be easy to trace. Living out of caravans seemed the solution. Just after my birthday we had raised enough money in the streets to buy an old caravan and a car to tow it and we were off, out of London to the country-side.
We parked up at four different campsites in the south of England, always with other families who were also Family members. My favourite was next to farmland, where I would watch the farm animals. For the first time, I was given a certain amount of freedom and played outside as much as I was allowed. But at times I was called into our caravan to pose for nude pictures behind closed curtains. Joshua told me how to pose and where to put my hands.
"Smile, look happy!" he'd order; and I'd pin a huge fake grin to my face so I could go out again and join my friends.
Sometimes, when I went to use the main toilet block, a man would follow me in, and make me suck his penis while I was trying to have a wee. The first time I fell back into the toilet bowl and was stuck for what seemed like hours before I found the strength to wriggle myself out. I wasn't shocked by what he'd done, because I thought that's what men did—instead I was frantic that I would be missed and get a spanking for being late in. Joshua was always telling me off for "justifying myself" and not taking responsibility for my actions. So I said nothing and just accepted it when it happen ed again. I wasn't one to moan and complain; I was taught that every frown and murmur sent up a foul smell to Jesus' nostrils.
Although I was still only four, Joshua said that I was now old enough to sleep with him in their bed. He'd put on a tape of Ravel's
Bolero
. It was an old tape and hissed like a nest of snakes while he sexually abused me. It seemed to be his favourite piece of music to have sex by; he played it whenever he was "sharing" with anyone. All the hectic pace did was to set my nerves on edge and make me even more tense than I already was. It got to where I dreaded hearing the music start, knowing what was in store for me.
My brother Jonathan was born in October 1980, in Ham-bledon, Hampshire. He was a calm, agreeable baby, never fussy, and had the most beautiful smile and wise, dark eyes. I was glad when Mum came home from the hospital. She taught me to feed him, rock him to sleep, and change his nappies, all of which I enjoyed doing. He was my real baby doll.
Joshua was very irresponsible with money, but he never seemed to be concerned. He always said, "Don't worry, the Lord will supply!" When people were generous and invited us for meals or gave us donations, this confirmed that God did seem to take care of us. On the whole, though, there were few ways of raising money in the country. There weren't many to witness to, and we were always hard up and often hungry. Joshua never considered getting a job to support his growing family. Working for the System would be like working for the Devil, he said. Instead, he instructed Mum to apply for social security as a single mother with four children. The officer came over to our caravan to interview her. Joshua told the lady that he was just the childcare helper but she wasn't convinced and turned to me.
"So, where do you sleep?" she asked.
I knew that as a Systemite, she wasn't supposed to know about our sexual freedoms and that I slept in the big bed with Joshua. So I told the only other truth I knew and blurted out, "My Mummy sleeps with my Daddy!"
When she had gone Joshua screamed at me, "You're stupid! Stupid! What are you, Nina?"
"Stupid," I said; then uselessly pleaded not to be beaten with the belt. Mum did often plead for him to give us another chance, to be more reasonable, but this only got all of us in
trouble. She did not get her benefits and to raise money we hit the streets, witnessing and busking even more.
Eventually we sold the caravan and moved back to Lon-don. I missed being able to play in the open fields, stringing daisy chains and taking my brothers on walks. Instead, I spent my days selling tracts and witnessing in Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens. I liked it when I was teamed with Mum and we would go to Oxford Street together. She would allow me to watch the giant cuckoo clock or look into the shop windows, something Joshua would never stand for.
Around this time Joshua was on edge. A grandmother had successfully won a case in which her grandchildren were made wards of court and would be taken from their parents unless they left the Family. Joshua had seen the veiled looks my Granny and Granddad had directed at him, and knew they despised him. Even though he hid most of the more serious abuse from them, he was never certain that they hadn't seen anything, so he worried that my grandparents would make us wards of court. This paranoia hastened our eventual return to India.
My father's radio program,
Music with Meaning
, had become very popular and thousands of potential recruits were writing into the show. It was decided that we were needed to go and do the follow-up. I was so proud of my Dad and listened avidly to the tapes, hearing his voice and even Celeste singing. I prayed that I would see them in Sri Lanka where they were based. Then Mum became pregnant for the fifth time. She was only twenty-five years old. The shepherds condemned her for having difficult pregnancies, but still, she was not allowed to use contraceptives. Even though I was so young, Mum discussed this with me, and I was upset by the injustice, as I struggled to change her bile bucket, make her food to eat and take care of the other children.
I was desperate to see my father and tell him everything that Joshua had done. "It's okay Mum, we'll pray extra hard for you so that you feel better soon," I'd say, as I washed her face with a damp cloth and tried to make her feel better. That fourth and last Christmas at Granny and Granddad's home in the Midlands, she was so ill she went into hospital and was given medicine that helped her keep food down.
After the holidays, we returned to London and stayed in various cheap, backstreet hotels. Mum was very weak and relapsed without the medicine, so she had to go back into hospital for a month. For the first time, she discovered what the problem was. She suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum, which meant that she couldn't keep food or water down and frequently vomited blood and bile for the first six weeks of every pregnancy.
Just before we left for India, my grandparents came to London and took us to London Zoo. I especially loved the elephants, monkeys, and giraffes. Joshua was on his best behaviour and was in a very good mood—he was glad to be finally going back to India. We believed that this was to be the last time we would see Granddad and Granny. David and I were sad about this, but confident that it wouldn't be long until the Endtime, when Jesus would return and we would all be together again in Heaven. They gave David birthday money for his fourth birthday, and he insisted on using it to buy us all fish and chips. At the end of the day, we said our goodbyes and promised to write.

India was the land of my birth. I felt I was going home. But more than that, it was where I had last seen my dad and Celeste. I was so excited—perhaps I would see them again. Dad would save us from my stepdad. He would see at once how much we had suffered.
On the plane, when Joshua was sleeping, I whispered in Mum's ear, "Can we see Dad?" I kept half an eye on Joshua. He was like a mean dog, always watchful, ready to snap, but this time, tired from changing planes, he was in a deep sleep.
Knowing how I longed for my father, she placated me with a "We'll see."
After a long flight we landed in Bombay and took a taxi to a nearby hotel. I was immediately hit by the aromatic and almost suffocating muggy heat, and everywhere I looked I saw amazing sights—throngs of people crowding the streets, women with baskets on their heads, stalls selling strange foods, spices, and fruits I'd probably known once but could no longer remember—mangoes, watermelons, and mysterious dark spheres with spines on the outside.
We would spend the next six years traveling from one end of India to the other, trying to save souls before the Final Days—the Endtime. Forever driven onwards by this mission, we knew no peace, had no settled home. It was bewildering. Because of this, despite loathing Joshua, our dysfunctional family unit was the only security I knew and I clung to it with a sense of desperation.
After a few days in Bombay, we left for Poona, where many other families who had also just arrived from the West congregated at the Reception Home. I struggled to get used to the heat and developed a severe heat rash.
After a few weeks at the Reception Home, our family was dispatched to Calcutta, some 1500 miles away. The rail journey took two days. We were enthralled by the passing landscape as we looked out of the barred train windows, the wind in our faces. Hills rolled by and then the desert, and paddy field after paddy field. Everywhere, children were playing cricket; they would wave at us and we waved back.
At last we pulled into Calcutta on the north-east coast of India, a historic city that was once the capital of the British Raj before New Delhi. It's also one of the most crowded cities in the world. As we emerged from the station, the noise of traffic and Indian music filled the air and we stayed close to Mum and Joshua so we wouldn't get lost in the daily hubbub of an Indian city. Joshua rented a spacious three-bedroom ground-floor apartment for us, and some basic items of furniture. He hired a maid to wash our clothes, and when he found out how little it cost to hire a cook, he found a young man to do this work. I know Mum really appreciated this, as by now she was heavily pregnant and had to rest a lot. She was not able to get out much either, as the heat in Calcutta was very intense. On our Freeday once a week, we would often visit the nearby country club where the manager let us swim for free and brought us tea with toast and jam. The boys and I learned to swim. Unfortunately Joshua thought David should learn by throwing him in at the deep end, which traumatized him and me who was concerned for him as he almost drowned.
Even on our days out—like an outing to the zoo—Joshua made us hand out leaflets instead of enjoying a normal family day out. However we did not dare to question his reasoning, as whatever he said was the law as far as we were concerned and there was no changing it. Our lives were con-trolled by the whims of an impulsive, moody man—and now, we were thousands of miles away from Granddad and Granny, to whom we could have fled in an emergency.
Late one evening in August, Mum went into labor and Joshua rushed out into the street and flagged down a rick-shaw. The rickshaw driver was remarkable as he only had one leg. Joshua wanted to take over driving, as we were quite a load, but the driver wouldn't hear of it. By the time we got to the hospital Mum was crumpled up with pain and breathing desperately hard. She was taken to a bare white room with just a table in the middle. Joshua ushered the boys and me into the room and we all witnessed the birth. It was terrifying to hear Mum cry out to Jesus during the painful hours of pushing. We stood in awe when at last we saw the baby's head and thanked the Lord for keeping Mum safe and giving us a new baby brother.
The name Kiron was chosen, which means "ray of light" in Bengali, though we just called him "Bubs." We made a tape to share the news with our grandparents, and our new baby brother screamed in the background. We all adored him even though he cried a great deal. There was a never-ending round of nappies and bottles to wash. It was unbearably hot and I would often sit and fan Kiron to keep him cool.
I was always required to be looking after someone, staying busy and being a shining example to my brothers and to everyone I met. I had to become a sales woman and, with so much practice, I became very good at it and would always meet my quota. But putting on a smiling face and having to suppress my feelings and emotions put me under such stress I started to wet the bed again; some of the problem was that I found it difficult to navigate myself to the toilet in the pitch black. I would think that I had found my way to the toilet only to discover it was a dream. When Joshua discovered my accidents, he would humiliate me, and threaten to put me back in nappies.
Even as small children we were told we would be persecuted for our faith, and this seemed to be confirmed when the Chief of Police pounded on our door and demanded to be let in. My brothers and I were terrified that the Antichrist's forces were coming to kill us. Mum told us to sit quietly in the bedroom. When Joshua came home, he let him in. The Chief of Police said the government had decided Dad's
Music with Meaning
show was "subversive and a front for the CIA." We had twenty-four hours to leave the district. All six Family homes in Calcutta packed up and fled. We traveled south by train to join a home in Bubanishwa.
By now Mum was under severe mental stress because of ;Joshua's constant cruelty towards her, and I was very worried about her and what would happen to us. She had left Joshua twice before in England, but he had persuaded her to go back to him on both occasions. She snapped once again,.and one traumatic day she took Kiron and me to a cheap hotel for the night. "Mum—what about David and Jonathan?" I asked, worried that they were left with Joshua who would be so angry he'd take it out on them.
I don't think Mum even heard me. She had a frozen, exhausted look on her face and seemed to be sleepwalking.
The next day we boarded a train to Bombay—and I knew she was thinking of getting a plane home, though I had no idea how she would manage it. The train stayed stuck in the station as we sweated in steamy heat. When—when would it leave? Half of me willed it to go; the other half of me was terrified that Joshua would suddenly arrive, rampaging. And I was frantic with worry over my abandoned brothers.
"Don't be upset, Mum," I tried to comfort her, but she was lost in her own world.
We sat and waited, but the train just did not move. Suddenly, Mum stood up and said, "Grab the pushchair." She held on tightly to Kiron and we got off the train, just as the engine started up. My eyes welled up with tears as the whistle blew and the train chugged out of the station. Instead of running away, Mum took us to the area shepherd's commune to speak with the shepherds, Uriah and Katrina. When we turned up, Katrina was away and so we slept in Uriah's room; Kiron and I on the floor, and Uriah and Mum in the bed. The next morning when I woke up, Mum and Kiron were not there.
"Good morning sweetie, come up here," Uriah said, as he patted the bed beside him. Obediently, I crawled slowly on to the bed.
He pulled me towards him and I could smell his bad morning breath as he directed my hand on to his penis and started to kiss me. I was naked and he put me on top of him when I heard a knock on the door. I went rigid.
"Come in!" Uriah said casually, and to my embarrassment, a man poked his head around the door.
"Good morning, God bless you brother!" he said breezily, "Do you want some coffee?"
"Yes, sure," Uriah answered. By this time, I had slunk off to one side of him, and hid my face under his armpit. "Do you want anything, Nina?" he asked me.
"Some water, please," I answered in a whisper.
When the man left the room, Uriah placed me back on top of him, and continued kissing me passionately so it was hard to breathe. I had to masturbate him with both my hands, and holding my head, he directed it down and put his penis in my mouth. I closed up my mind and carried on the physical performance mechanically as he told me what a good lover I was. My neck hurt and I gagged when he came.
Uriah arranged for Mum, Kiron and me to go and stay in another commune for a while. Shortly afterwards we attended a local area meeting which was held in a hotel for three days. While there Mum agreed to return to Joshua, as she felt that she had no choice but to keep the family together. A few months later Uriah gave me a little card with a letter addressed, "To Nina, so sweet, loving, and sexy." When I got the card, I hid it, but Mum found it.
"Nina, why would he send you this?" she asked, surprised.
I hung my head, embarrassed, and shuffled my feet.
I became used to abuse—and sometimes it even happened during "devotions." An uncle would place me on his lap and I started to notice the telltale signs of an erection when they jiggled me up and down in time to the music.
I was aware that Mum was under great pressure to share and that Joshua was always chasing the other "Family" women. Sharing was an emotional minefield, and I knew Mum struggled with sharp feelings of jealousy, as Joshua also did at times.
While she was still breastfeeding Kiron, Mum became pregnant again with her sixth child, and as usual, it was tough. Family children were supposed to be seen but not heard and Kiron would wail loudly when she tried to take him off the breast. So to keep him quiet, she continued to nurse him, which weakened her further. She spent hours in bed. By now, Joshua made it no secret that he was in love with Auntie Crystal. She was involved in a long-term threesome with two married Family members. The leaders had noticed his violent mood swings and his Jekyll and Hyde personality, and said he was too volatile to be allowed to join Crystal and her family who were being sent to set up a "Babes" home for new disciples in Mysore. I suppose they thought his jealousy might lead to a bad scene. They told him that Mum and we children could stay—but Joshua never told us. He was so determined to be near Crystal that he took us all to live in a hotel in Mysore. We were cut off from our friends while he went to see Crystal every day.
This was hard on Mum. By now she was heavily pregnant and couldn't take us out—so we were stuck in a tiny, hot room for most of the day, bored out of our heads. But it seems that the Family leadership had noticed our situation and grew concerned. After a few weeks they sent us far away from Crystal, to Goa in the south. The journey in the train was fantastic. We hung our heads out the window most of the way. As we chugged up the mountainside, the train turned a bend and we were rewarded with the sight of a giant waterfall cascading down into the lush vegetation below. When the train idled at each station, groups of women in colorful saris would Other outside the windows selling "char—a sweet, spiced tea, chappatis, bananas and all manner of tasty Indian treats.
I was so excited when my sister Rosemarie was born in November 1985. With her pale complexion and straw-berry blonde curls, she looked like a little porcelain doll. Everybody loved her and we affectionately called her "baby doll." After her birth, Mum and Joshua's relationship deteriorated badly. Mum was jealous because he was having an affair with a sister in the home and Joshua hated her for her jealousy.
The leaders sent Mum away on a road trip even though Rosemarie was still a baby and one dreadful day I walked into our room to find Joshua bending over baby Rosemarie on the changing table. It was obvious what he was doing and a hand of ice gripped my heart.
I heard him coo to Rosemarie, "When you're old enough, we're going to make love like your sister Nina."
Despite being indoctrinated into radical sexual beliefs, I was disgusted. I did not want my baby sister to suffer what he had done to me. I approached slowly, mumbling that I would take over putting her nappy back on. I kept her close to me until Mum returned. Two-year-old Kiron missed Mum when she wasn't around and was spanked for being clingy—all this contributed to making me anxious if I did not know where my brothers and sister were at all times throughout the day. I was a nine-year-old girl, heading for a nervous breakdown.
Now that Joshua had his own children, Kiron and Rose-marie, he became even more cruel and spiteful towards David, Jonny, and me. He constantly teased David about the gap in his teeth, calling him "Beaver," which made him self-conscious. Unfortunately, I needed glasses and would often squint. Whenever he caught me, he would slap me, saying, "You look like a rat when you do that," and often called me "rat face." I could take that. What I could not handle was when he teased Jonathan mercilessly about his dark looks, knowing full well that Jonathan was one of Mo's "Jesus Babies," born as the result of Mum's Flirty Fishing.
Whenever Joshua heard the fruit seller pass, shouting, "Mango, mango" He would mock heartlessly, "Ho, Mango Boy—there's your dad calling for you."
Finally, to stop the bullying over my squinting at least, I told Mum I needed glasses. They took me to the eye clinic in Madras, which was a long trip. I was thankful when I got my glasses and no longer squinted. But the bullying and mocking just took a different shape.
Joshua found a spacious house in Margao, a town in the district of Goa, one mile from the beach. It was a natural paradise. Mum made sure we walked to the beach every day for a swim in the ocean. I would walk along the sands comforted by the sound of vast waves crashing in, bringing in all manner of crabs and sea life.
Once, I was resting under the shade of the coconut trees on the shore, gazing out at the sea, when a friendly foreign couple came to chat with us. We were talking about their home in Canada when I spotted our carer striding quickly towards us, mouthing, "Selah!" This was the code word that meant our security was in danger and we needed to split. I had to say a quick goodbye, and the woman slipped me their address and phone number with an invitation to visit them if I ever found myself in Canada. We were marched home through the back roads, to make sure we weren't being followed. The adults were suspicious of every-one and security measures were extreme, bordering on paranoia.