On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk (12 page)

There's this two-foot-wide stretch of grass between the Wicks' driveway and our driveway. Literally, you can mow it by going once up and once down. Mr. Wicks has clearly measured and consulted with the city planners and stuff, because he only ever mows a
very narrow
strip of this grass. Not half. Maybe a quarter. So he has to position his mower mostly on his driveway to get his precise little strip done.

This seems like a very small thing. But don't you think that's a jerkish thing to do? When I mow the lawn, I always mow the whole strip. He mows, and he mows the four-inch strip of grass that he technically owns and not one blade more. It's very petty. But is it jerkish? Nah, it's such a small thing. It's not like he's throwing garbage our way, or having loud drunken parties every second night, or parking a monster sun-blocking, oil-leaking trailer in front of our house. In the interests of being nice and neighborly, I'll just classify Mr. Wicks as an idiot.

Rating: 5

F) Servers

When you are a child, people who serve you at restaurants generally leave you alone. They might ask you a few polite questions, but ultimately, they know somebody else is paying.

But when our family recently went out for dinner, the server did something that might qualify as jerkish behavior. He slapped down two kids' menus (the kind that double as your place mat and offer lame coloring opportunities and even lamer jokes) and a glass of crayons. Two menus, one for my eight-year-old brother and one for me. I'm thirteen. Not cool. How about a bib or a high chair? Are you going to offer those too? I declined coldly, making it clear I was
way
too mature for the tiny-tot food and the toddler word searches on the kids' menu.

Because I'm not sure if this is standard restaurant policy for everyone vaguely within the age range of the kids' menu or a deliberate choice on the part of the server, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Rating: 3 (normal, tending slightly to idiot)

G) Internet Trolls

My brother Joe's grade-one class had a robin's nest in a shrub right outside their classroom window. The five blue eggs eventually hatched, and the class made a video of the ridiculously tiny, hungry little chicks. The teacher was so proud of the video that she added some lame music, recorded the class's reactions (you can clearly hear my brother saying excitedly, “Baby birds sure are baldies!”) and posted it on YouTube. Anyway, cute, right? You would think so, but unbelievably, the video got some dislikes. Some big thumbs-down. What kind of jerk would do this?

I did some research, and this was not just an isolated, robin-hating Internet jerk. Many, many heartwarming animal videos online get a similar reaction. It might be a baby panda gumming bamboo for the first time, or a tiny kangaroo peeking out of its mother's pouch. Whatever animal it is, no matter how cute, innocent or uplifting the video, I guarantee that there will be some miserable Internet jerk ready to hate it. How could you officially “dislike” frolicking penguins? Or write negative, hateful comments about a big gorilla gently cuddling an adorable kitten?

These anonymous haters must really be in pretty bad shape if they have nothing better to do than complain about baby animals being cute or having fun. I'm not saying they have to say “Awww!” and forward them to their friends (if they have any). But here's an idea—maybe just don't seek out animal videos if you know you're really going to hate them.

Rating: 6-8 (jerk to almost complete jerk,
depending on the level of hate)

CHAPTER 11
Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk?

Can jerks change their behavior and become regular, normal non-jerks? Or are they doomed to always be jerks? It's an interesting question in the study of jerkology.

Determined to get some scientific conclusions on this topic, I interviewed a former jerk, my uncle Dave. My mom, my grandparents and my uncle Tim all agree that Uncle Dave used to be a complete jerk. Even Dave agrees, as you'll see in the interview. But the interesting thing is that now he
isn't
a jerk. He's just normal. Why? How? Read this interview to find out.

***A note on technology:
I used an ancient tape recorder of my dad's for the interview, which involved pressing giant PLAY and RECORD buttons at the same time. My dad used to use it to record “rockin'” songs off the radio. Yeah, that'd be
great
sound quality, Dad. Anyway, it worked and everything, so the interview below is highly accurate. Bonus marks for use of ancient technology or historical artifacts? Possibly.

CASE STUDY #10
Interview with a Former Jerk

Subject:
My uncle Dave

Laboratory:
Saturday evening, the kitchen, our house

Experiment:
Uncle Dave thought this was going to be a casual chat about a “difficult phase” of his childhood for some lame little school project I have. But I did my research and came prepared to get some answers.

Observations:

ME
. So, Dave. Can I just call you Dave for this interview?

UNCLE DAVE
. Nope.
Uncle
Dave to you, kid.

ME
. So, Dave…Everyone agrees that you were a jerk as a kid. I mean
everyone
. Your sister, your brother, friends, cousins, neighbors. Your own parents even sort of sighed and nodded.

(
Uncle Dave swivels around to glare at my mom,
who is chopping vegetables
.)

UNCLE DAVE
. You got
Mom and Dad
in on this??

MOM
(
laughing
). Hey, all in the name of science, Dave.

UNCLE DAVE
(
looking uncomfortable
). Okay, okay. Look, I admit it. Many, many years ago, when I was very young, I was not, perhaps, an ideal child.

ME
(
flipping through my notes
). Oh, you were a long way from being “ideal,” Dave. I've interviewed several people, who told me about many, many jerkish things you did. Can you tell me about throwing Mom's doll down three flights of stairs?

UNCLE DAVE
(
groaning
). This again? How many times do I have to say that I was seven years old and interested in
flight
! It was a scientific study, like this one…

MOM
(
accusingly, chopping vegetables very hard
now
). You were laughing and yelling “BOUNCE, DOLLY, BOUNCE!!! You followed her
down three flights, Dave! And cracked Miss Missy's hard plastic head!

UNCLE DAVE
(
shrugging
). It was a cheap doll.

ME
. How about when you let the air out of both of Uncle Tim's bike tires before his first day on his paper route?

UNCLE DAVE
(
covering a smile
). Joke! That was a joke!

ME
(
flipping through my notes
). Or prank-calling your grandma and grandpa until they had to get their number changed, or sprinkling weed killer all over the lawn so it died, or completely unraveling the living room rug, or throwing water bombs from the balcony at the girls at Mom's tenth birthday “garden party,” or jumping out at little trick-or-treaters dressed as a seriously bloodied victim of an axe murderer with the axe still stuck in your head, or tying up a bunch of rocks in old clothes to make it look like there was a body at the bottom of the neighbor's pool—

UNCLE DAVE
(
snatching my notebook and rifling
through the pages
). You got that pool thing? How many…? Where did you…? Gee, I'd forgotten about most of these…

(
There is a long pause while Uncle Dave flips pages
and reads. Actually, I shut off the tape recorder because
there are many, many pages to get through. Finally he
finishes and I press the giant PLAY and RECORD
buttons again
.)

UNCLE DAVE
(
sighing
). Okay, yes, I confess—I was a complete jerk. Thanks for documenting it all, kid. Your brother is now officially my favorite nephew.

ME
. So, Dave. Why do you think you were a jerk then, and not now? Because everybody agrees that you're normal now.

MOM
. I said
sort of
normal…

ME
. Anyway, nobody thinks you're a jerk. I've almost never thought, “Hey, that Dave's a real jerk!”

UNCLE DAVE
.
Uncle
Dave.

ME
. Whatever.

UNCLE DAVE
(
stretching his legs and settling back
into his chair
). Why
was
I a jerk? I don't really know. Bored? Misunderstood? Needing some excitement and adventure? Too highly intelligent for the world around me?

MOM
. Yeah, takes lots of brain power to throw a doll downstairs, Einstein.

UNCLE DAVE
. Aren't we over that one yet? I'm sorry, okay? I'm very, very sorry about Miss Bitty.

MOM
. Miss
MISSY
!

UNCLE DAVE
(
looking bored
). Whatever.

ME
. When did you stop being a jerk?

UNCLE DAVE
(
sitting up
). Hey, that's actually interesting…when
did
I stop? I think I was probably about your age. What are you, about ten?

ME
(
coldly
). I'm thirteen.

UNCLE DAVE
. Yeah, yeah, I was probably about that. Why did I stop being a jerk? I don't know…We moved, switched schools, I started being a star on the sports teams…

MOM
. And there was Trevor…

ME
. Who's Trevor?

UNCLE DAVE
. Uh, yeah, Trevor was an older kid who lived down the street. A
real
jerk. Made me look like an amateur. Actually, he became a low-level criminal when he hit his teens…Anyway, let's just say Trevor made me think about what a jerk I'd become. And where that could lead.

ME
. So now you're not a jerk at all?

DAVE
. Not even a little bit. Just a totally normal, good guy. Great uncle, great brother…

MOM
. Well…

UNCLE DAVE
(
getting up, reaching for the giant STOP
button
). I think we're done here.

Conclusions:
Uncle Dave seems to be living proof that even complete jerks can become regular non-jerks. In his case, it seemed to be his decision to stop being a jerk. But in the case of other jerks, becoming a non-jerk might be a result of the exhausting, thankless efforts of parents, teachers, counselors and possibly law-enforcement personnel. (See also Scientific Illustration #3: The Path to Complete Jerkdom.)

It remains unclear
why
jerks change their behavior. Uncle Dave wasn't very helpful there. He seemed to say that a change of scene, new interests and becoming aware of other jerks were all factors. Possibly, being avoided or called a jerk might start to register on some jerks and cause them to do a bit of reflecting.

Uncle Dave shut off the tape recorder and left quickly before I asked the last question, which was “Do you still have episodes of jerkish behavior?” So who knows?

CHAPTER 12
Can Animals Be Jerks?