On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk (15 page)

Scientific Illustration #9: The Very Last One:
The Elements of Jerkish Behavior

We have seen in this project many different examples of jerkish
behavior. But though the behavior of jerks is as varied as that
of non-jerkish people, jerks have several things in common. My
research has revealed certain elements that are common to
almost all observable jerkish behavior:

Can you end a project on a pie chart?

Probably not.

My concluding and very final observation is that as long as there are humans on this planet, some of them will be jerks. There were, there are, there probably always will be jerks. We know them when we see them, and scientific studies such as this one can take us beyond gut reactions and help us identify, classify, understand and avoid jerkish behavior.

As for the jerks themselves, I don't think science can ever fully explain why jerks behave as they do. It might be a combination of genetics, intelligence, upbringing and opportunity. Or there may not be any reason at all for why a jerk acts like a jerk. There will be those non-jerks who wonder if society has done something to make jerks so angry, annoying and motivated. Have we, the caring non-jerks, been guilty of misunderstanding jerks? I speak for science, and for pretty much anybody who's ever met a jerk, when I say
nah
—it's all on the jerks.

Acknowledgments

Thanks to the wonderful staff at Orca, especially Sarah “Giggle-Snort” Harvey for effortlessly channeling her inner thirteen-year-old boy while editing, and Jenn Playford and Chantal Gabriell for bringing their formidable and playful creativity to the illustrations and design. Thanks also to another creative soul, my sister Jen, for appreciating and encouraging all the story ideas I throw at her. And finally, thanks to my children, Kate, Ben and Sam, for their keen jerk-radar, which I think will serve them well.

Alison Hughes
is an award-winning writer who has lived, worked and studied in Canada, England and Australia. She was introduced to the world of jerks as a young child when her swimming instructor pushed her off the diving board into the deep end/shark tank. She has been wary of jerks (and deep water) ever since. She lives with her family in Edmonton, where snoring dogs provide the soundtrack to her writing.