Planet Janet in Orbit (5 page)

Hung out with Disha, Flynn and Marcus today. Flynn’s just got his licence (he lost a year of school when he was in primary, so he’s older than us), so we went for a drive in the country. It started pissing down while we were still stuck in traffic. We got as far as
near Oxford
and then we left the motorway to find a quaint country teashop (the lads had been without food for two whole hours and were starving, of course). The English countryside looks pretty attractive in pictures and old films, but let me tell you it’s different when it’s right in your face. Even if we’d had any visibility in the rain, it wouldn’t’ve mattered, because you never knew what was round the next bend (another car, a dog, a cow…). After we nearly hit the cow (and it wasn’t just me and Disha who screamed), Flynn started going so slow we might as well have walked. We passed quite a few churches (though it could have been just one church, since we seemed to be going in circles) but no quaint country teashops. Disha said it’s because the English village is almost dead. Most of them don’t even have a post office any more. I said did the Prime Minister know about this, and she said that preserving the countryside wasn’t a priority of his. In the end we went back on the motorway and stopped at a service station for tea (which isn’t something I’d recommend to tourists, since they’d think they’d never left the airport). Came home.

Flynn says I should get my licence – I’m going to be seventeen on 27 October after all. Flynn says that with all the money I must be earning I could get myself a car to run round in. I said with what I’m making I could hardly afford a bicycle. But it’s not a bad idea (driving, not another bloody bicycle).

Couldn’t say anything to D about Ethan when we were with the lads, of course, and by the time we got home it’d gone out of my head completely. Tomorrow is another day (which can be either good news or bad news, can’t it?).

Asked the MC if I could have driving lessons for my birthday. She said did I realize that in order to
DRIVE AND SURVIVE
you had to be able to do more than one thing at a time and occasionally stop talking so you can concentrate? I said I’d never known it to stop her talking. Then she wanted to know if I had any idea how much lessons cost. I said no. She said well, when I paid for them I’d find out. I don’t see why I should
PAY
some stranger to teach me to drive when there are two qualified drivers related to me by blood. The MC is obviously out of the question (not only is she way too highly strung but we can barely cross the road together without an argument!), so I rang Sigmund to ask him to teach me. Once again demonstrating the caring and understanding nature of the professional psychotherapist, Sigmund said
NO
. He said he was still recovering from teaching the MC.

There seems to be no end to the surprises Life has in store for me (I just wish one or two of them were
GOOD
!). Sappho and Mags were coming over for Sunday lunch, and since a real meal (even a vegan one with all the interesting stuff taken out) is something of an event in this house these days, I said I’d be here. Had a
WELL-DESERVED
lie-in and then talked to Disha for a while on the mobe. (Forgot about Ethan again.) By the time I got off the phone I could hear activity in the kitchen, so I went out to say hello. Mags and Sappho were at the table as expected. But there was a bloke with an apron wrapped around him, stirring something on the cooker – which
wasn’t expected
. (He looked like an old folk singer – beard, wire-rimmed glasses, an earring and one of those ethnic caps that are popular in the Himalayas and places like that.) I didn’t think anything of it because, even though they’re lesbians, Sappho and Mags know a lot of men, and I assumed they brought him along because he was hungry. (Though I did think someone could’ve
WARNED ME
! What if I’d come out in my underwear?!!) As soon as the MC saw me, she started shrieking, “Here’s Janet!” like she was a talk-show host and I was the guest. She grabbed hold of the Pot-Stirrer and dragged him away from the cooker. “Janet, this is Robert Hotspur!” I said, “Hi.” Sappho laughed and said, “You have no idea who Robert is, do you, Janet?” I said, “How could I? I only just walked into the room!” The MC did her Bridge-About-to-Collapse sigh and said that Robert is the bloke she’s been dating! (To
him
she said, “What’d I tell you about our Janet? She’s not in this world.” Which I felt was v cheeky!) I maintained my cool and said that (as per usual) no one had told me he was coming. Robert said he and
Josh
(!!!) felt it was time he got acquainted with everyone (except Nan and Sigmund, of course!). Robert said he’d been looking forward to meeting me. I said and
vice versa
, even though that isn’t strictly true since I didn’t really know he existed. He said he’d heard a lot about me. I said I hoped it was all good and he said
SOME
of it was. Apparently Robert’s a solicitor, but not the sort who makes
TONS OF DOSH
(which is the sort of bloke we could do with in this house, if you ask me!). Robert works for one of those groups that are always trying to save the planet and all the oppressed people who live on it (Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth – something like that). This made lunch a
très
jolly affair since Robert spent most of it banging on about human rights abuses round the world. Sappho (our very own Rebel Queen) couldn’t’ve been more delighted if she’d just found out she was having twins. The MC and Mags were pretty mesmerized too, but I found it
très
boring for something so incredibly depressing. And I was right about the folk singer bit. After lunch he brought out his guitar! I couldn’t believe it! He sat there in
OUR KITCHEN
playing and singing some
très
depressing song about a dead hobo. I was still recovering from that when he went on to depressing Bob Dylan songs. (Disha’s right about being older but no wiser. The MC has obviously learned
NOTHING
from her mistakes!) When the rest of them started
SINGING ALONG
(!!!) I said I was really heartbroken to break up the party but Disha was expecting me. Walked right into a bicycle in the hall on my way out. It was plastered with stickers (
SAVE THE RAINFOREST … SAVE THE WHALE … SAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON
, etc.) so I assume Robert has something against cars and public transport as well as most governments on the planet.

D was surprised to find out my mother has a boyfriend. I said well, how did she think
I
felt? And Sigmund’s going to be well irked when he finds out – the male parent’s always wanted to grow a beard, but the MC wouldn’t let him. Then I said, “Speaking of boyfriends…” and told her about Ethan. Disha was
TOTALLY GOBSMACKED
. She said but she hardly knew him. Also, I was the one with the crush. I said it wasn’t really a crush, I just thought he was v attractive. I’m not a jealous person, as you know – and I’m more mature than many people old enough to be my parents – so I said it was fine with me if she wanted to go out with Ethan. I expected her to say no – or at least to argue. She said
REALLY
? I said of course; it wasn’t as if we were going out with each other or anything – he’s just a mate. And even though he’s
très
attractive, I’d realized that what I thought might be chemistry was just the smallness of the Broom Cupboard. D said, “All right then, give him my number.” I said, “Pardon?” She said, “Well, he is gorgeous – and if you don’t want him…” If you ask me, she could’ve put up a bit more of a fight.

The MC wanted to know what I thought of Robert. I asked if he ever talked about anything besides man’s inhumanity to everything that pokes its head above the ground, and she said of course he did. Apparently he’s a very intelligent bloke with many interests. It’s too bad songs about dead hobos is one of them if you ask me.

Buskin’ Bob was back last night. He banged on all through supper about the
evil
in ordinary things you find around the house. Apparently there are a number of companies
NO ONE
should buy from because they aid and abet repressive régimes, or exploit the poor, or are determined to destroy the planet. It’s a surprisingly long list (and I was wearing at least two of them). After supper he and the MC started going through the cupboards to see what she shouldn’t buy any more. Couldn’t take it, so I went to my room and rang D. This proved to be a bit boring too, since she was trying to decide what to wear on her date with Ethan (if you ask me, she’s jumping the gun a bit – he doesn’t even have her number yet!).

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Ethan choosing Disha is the best thing that could have happened. I’m really v lucky. It’s an
ENORMOUS
relief to have seen the real Ethan before it was too late (look how long it took the MC to see the real Sigmund!). I mean, aside from the lack of chemistry (which everyone knows is
CRUCIAL
to a real relationship), it would never’ve worked between us. He’s not at all artistic or creative, for one thing – which is something that’s v important to me. And for another, he doesn’t really have an active sense of humour. He laughs at my jokes, of course (only my parents don’t), but he never really makes any of his own. And today, instead of being
STUNNED
by his eat-your-heart-out-Keanu-Reeves good looks, I noticed that he has hair on his ear lobes (how gross is that?). Gave him Disha’s number and by the time I got home he’d already rung her and made a date! I reckoned he must’ve called on his mobe from the gents’, since Saduki
DOES NOT ALLOW
personal phone calls on the Durango phone. I said, “It’s not v romantic, ringing someone from a urinal, is it?” Disha said, “Maybe he was standing at the sink.”

Discovered a bowl of rotting vegetables on the kitchen counter tonight, but when I went to throw it in the bin, instead of thanking me for helping out in the house like she’s always nagging me to do, the MC shouted at me to put it back where it was! Apparently it’s organic waste for the compost heap. I pointed out that we don’t have a compost heap. She said we do now. I assume that the box of bottles next to the fridge means we recycle now too.

Buskin’ Bob was back
AGAIN
tonight. The man’s like a virus – every time you think you’ve got rid of him he comes back! They were all over each other like warts!!! It’s
très
revolting, if you ask me. You expect that sort of behaviour from people who are young and beautiful, etc., not from the unattractive and old. Because I was too exhausted to make it all the way over to Disha’s as soon as The Evening Lecture on What’s Wrong with Coca-Cola (otherwise known as supper) was over, I retreated to Willow’s. Willow wanted to know what Robert’s like. I said he’s the sort of bloke who wears jumpers his mother knitted and eats muesli. (Willow, of course, thinks that’s
NORMAL
!) She said she’d heard he’s something of a musician. I said something wasn’t always better than nothing. I told her all he plays are depressing songs. Willow said Sigmund always plays depressing music too, but his only talent is pushing the power button on the stereo. I told Willow I thought it was
COMPLETELY DISGUSTING
the way the Corporate Avenger and the MC carry on and she said she thought it was
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
. She said
Love
doesn’t have a sell-by date. I said
IF IT IS LOVE
. I said if you ask me, the MC is on the rebound and not really interested in Robert at all. Willow wanted to know if it’d ever occurred to me that perhaps the MC had been waiting for years to be free of Sigmund so she could spread her
Spiritual Wings
and nurture her
Soul
with a love that’s new and exciting. I said no.

Went to wash my hair and discovered that my shampoo has been replaced with something with
NETTLES
in it! Went straight to the MC to demand an explanation. She said did I realize that my shampoo had animal urine in it? I said that was ridiculous. Who would put piss into something that was basically soap? She said the company that made my shampoo, that’s who.

MC out with Buskin’ Bob and Disha out with Ethan. Now that I don’t even have my few minutes with Ethan to look forward to (I mean really, what’s the point? It’s not like he’s a real mate like David or Marcus or Flynn), the only conversations I have in the day are about tacos and cutlery shortages and other hot topics in the world of catering.

Invited Sigmund in for a cup of tea before he went home. He wanted to know whose guitar was propped up in the corner (it’ll be his natural straw toothbrush that’s moved in next!!!). I said Robert’s. He said, “I’m Robert.” I said, “The other Robert who’s intimate with my mother.” Sigmund hadn’t been told
ANYTHING
about Robert. He wanted to know if the MC was seeing a lot of him, and I said, “Well, that
is
his guitar, what do
you
think?” Then, of course, he wanted to know what Robert’s like. I said not only is he musical, but he’s very intelligent, has a lot of interests and has dedicated himself to making our planet a better place.

Willow says my shampoo does have piss in it. Once again I was v sorry I’d brought it up because she was off like a horse at the Derby. She said remember when I was a vegetarian and discovered that McDonald’s chicken nuggets had twice as much fat as their hamburgers and that in America they used to put beef additives in their chips? Did I think it was just
them
? And what about sugar? Did I know how many things I think are savoury actually have
SUGAR
in them? I said well, if everybody knows all this stuff, why don’t they do something about it? She said it seems to her that’s exactly what Buskin’ Bob is trying to do.