Planet Janet in Orbit (9 page)

Have been thinking about what Disha said about the Deadly Duo becoming
MY
relatives. Just the thought makes my blood turn to
POLLUTED ICE WATER
! How could I be so
BLIND
? People like my mother have no sense of
True Passion or Adventure
. They crave security and routine – not a white-knuckle ride on the Kayak of Life. Obviously the MC’s going to want to replace the rut she was in (married to Sigmund) with another rut (cohabiting with Buskin’ Bob) ASAP. And equally obviously, I can’t let that happen!!! It’s enough that Fate has saddled me with Geek Boy as a brother without adding the Deadly Duo as sisters. (I could leave home, of course – they always need volunteer workers in Africa – but I feel it’s important to wait till I’ve at least decided whether I want to be a writer or an artist, because I’m certainly not going to be able to even
think
about that if I’m walking sixty miles a day to get drinking water, am I?!!) There’s nothing for it – I have to get the MC and Sigmund
BACK TOGETHER
. And
très
FAST
!!! I know the MC’s still pretty pissed off with him, etc, but they
were
married for a long time – that’s got to count for something. And she already knows what a pain he can be. There aren’t going to be any surprises like with Buskin’ Bob. (Sappho says the reason people put up with politicians who they know lie to them and cheat on their expenses and take money from big corporations is because they’re afraid that the ones who replaced them would be even worse. I reckon it should be the same in marriage. And
DEFINITELY
in the Bandry marriage!!!)

Marcus had everyone round tonight because his parents have thrown caution to the wind and gone away for the weekend. Disha said she had something to do with her parents. She missed a really good laugh. We played Trivial Pursuit, and Flynn (who, I have to admit, has a v interesting and original mind)
ABSOLUTELY
excelled himself! One of his questions was what
craft
(as in
SHIP
) did Neil Armstrong take to the moon. Flynn thought it meant craft as in
HOBBY
! He rejected knitting, woodwork, pottery and jewellery-making and said
BUTTER-CHURNING
! He reckoned butter-churning was small and portable enough. Marcus wanted to know where Flynn thought the astronauts were going to keep the cow! Game ended due to hysteria!!!

Had a word with Sigmund about Lucrezia tonight (partly because I’m curious and partly because I want to start him thinking that everything isn’t as perfect between the MC and Buskin’ Bob as he believes!). Sigmund said Lucrezia sounded as if she might be
a bit
autistic. (She isn’t
a bit
anything, if you ask me – she’s totally out of control!) I didn’t think girls could be autistic. I said Sappho says that it’s men who are autistic, and he said that’s not what Sappho meant. What she meant was that some male behaviour also happens to be autistic behaviour (well, that’s what I said!). Sigmund can’t say good morning in less than an hour, so you can imagine how he went on about autism, its symptoms and theories (obsessive behaviour is one of the signs!). When he finally ran out of steam, I asked if I could spend next weekend at his. He made a big joke of pretending he hadn’t heard me right. He wanted to know if I’d lost a bet or something. He said he’d heard I thought Kilburn was located somewhere on the bum of the universe and that he lived in a squat (Jocelyn Bandry really has a
BIG MOUTH
). I said I didn’t say it
was
a squat, I said it was
like
a squat because it didn’t have central heating. I said I just thought it’d be nice if we spent a little quality time together. Since when was that a
CRIME
? He reminded me that he didn’t have a spare room or even a sofa. I could tell that my having the cot wasn’t really an option so I said I’d bring my air bed. Just hope I can get
HIM
to blow it up!

Talked to Disha after Sigmund left. Asked her if she had a good time on Sunday. She said she did all her ironing! I said I thought she was going somewhere with the old folks and she said oh, right, there was a change of plan. I said she should’ve rung – we had a brilliant time at Marcus’s. Disha said she didn’t think of it. [Note to self: Is
Being in Love
like having a lobotomy?]

All is hectic preparation for the start of school. Am really looking forward to going back despite the incredible academic pressure that will be on me for the next two years. Found a v interesting article in the paper about all the
STRESS
teenage girls are under and how much they worry about
EVERYTHING
(their looks, their weight, their clothes, their popularity, their grades, etc.) and left it out where the MC would see it – in case she has any thoughts about me working
and
doing my A levels. Instead of being sympathetic, all she said was that she thought there were more important things to worry about than the size of your nose or whether you’re wearing last week’s T-shirt. If you ask me, her new role as Consort to the Eco Warrior isn’t improving her parenting skills any.

Actually got Disha to emerge in daylight today to do some shopping for our return to the corridors of education. (Though
NOT FOR LONG
, of course. She was meeting Ethan before he went to work. God forbid twenty-four hours should pass without them seeing each other. It’s practically a miracle she survived the sixteen years before
I
introduced them!) Both of us fell in love with this
très
cool orange top in Gap. I, of course, couldn’t buy it because orange makes me look jaundiced, but Disha
wouldn’t
buy it. I said why not? It’s totally
YOU
. She said because it’s orange. I reminded her that orange is one of her favourite colours, and she said but Ethan
HATES
orange. I said well, that was good news then, since Ethan doesn’t have to wear it. She laughed, but she still wouldn’t buy the top. I said but
you
like it. She says that she doesn’t dress for
her
, she dresses for Ethan. I said you mean like he dresses for
you
? I can just picture him getting up in the morning and thinking,
Now which T-shirt would Disha really like
?
Should I put on my green socks or my blue ones?
She said boys were different. I said that was true. Boys can piss standing up without ruining their shoes. [Note to self: Is
Being in Love
like having a lobotomy
and
being on tranquillizers?]

Disha left me to meet the Man Who Hates Orange, so I took the bus back on my own, which to tell you the truth was fine by me. All D talks about is Ethan, the Ninth Wonder of the World. It’s unbelievable! A few short months ago she was my
Soul Sister
and now she’s more like the Soul Sister of Britney Spears. Since I’d been
WARNED
, I had my book with me. The book says that big companies don’t just sell
things
like shoes or cars any more. They sell ideas, lifestyles and attitudes. (That’s why cars have names like Renegade and Cherokee and Picasso, etc. – not Henry or George.) It says that whereas a car is just a machine to get you from one place to another, a Renegade is a
STATE OF MIND
. Personally I think the author may be stretching it a bit. Anyway, I was mulling all this over when I heard a truly irritating voice that I recognized immediately. I looked up. Catriona Hendley and Lila were sitting two rows in front of me. I could tell they didn’t know I was there because they were having the sort of private, intimate conversation you have on buses full of strangers. Apparently Catriona got more than a tan during the holidays. She got a secret boyfriend as well! Lila was gushing about
How Romantic
it all was. Catriona said her parents would absolutely kill her if they ever found out. I leaned forward, hoping I could find out who the unlucky lad is, but
AT THAT VERY MOMENT
the girl in front of me started talking on her mobe, so all I could hear was
HER
telling her friend she was on a bus, etc. (Some people are
SO
inconsiderate. There really should be a law!)

Told the MC about Disha not buying the orange top. I should’ve known that a woman who won’t even buy my favourite ice cream any more because of her boyfriend wouldn’t be too sympathetic. She said Disha just wants to please Ethan because she’s in love. Then the MC said it was a good thing
I
didn’t buy the top, because Robert has a lot to say about Gap. I said Robert has a lot to say about
EVERYTHING
!!!

Must get Disha to pump Lila for more information on Catriona’s
Secret Love
!

Got sent to the corner shop for TP this morning. For the first time I actually noticed the names of the different brands. One was called
FREEDOM
and another was
FESTIVAL
. Made me think about what I was reading yesterday. Maybe the book has a point after all. I mean, what do Freedom or Festivals have to do with TP? Why not just call it Bog Roll or Something to Wipe Your Bum With?

Went to the Heath with Flynn today. As you know, the Heath holds some bittersweet memories for me because of Elvin – as well as some painful ones because that’s where I crashed that stupid bike and nearly tragically ended my young life! – but I don’t believe in living in the past. (I mean, what’s the point? It’s
GONE
.) Flynn wanted to know whatever happened to Disha Paski. I said
WHO
? He wanted to know if we’d had a fight. I said no, what’s happened is that Disha’s in
Love
. He said here he was thinking she was in quarantine or something, since he’s hardly seen her all summer. I said tell me about it. Flynn said, “We’re not jealous, are we?” I said of course I wasn’t jealous (jealousy is an ignoble emotion, if you ask me). I’m just fed up with being treated like last year’s favourite Christmas present. Flynn wanted to know why he hadn’t met this bloke. Isn’t she meant to introduce him to her mates? To tell you the truth, I hadn’t thought of that. I explained that Ethan works a lot, etc. He said the Prime Minister works a lot too but you can bet his wife’s met his friends. Flynn doesn’t think it’s normal. Willow was having a cup of ethically correct tea with the MC when I got back. For a change they were talking about men (apparently Willow would give anything to meet someone like Robert – I felt like saying she didn’t have to settle for
SOMEONE LIKE
: she could have
HIM
). Now that I’m almost seventeen and have experienced a lot of
LIFE
(I’ve been disappointed in love twice already and I’ve hardly even gone on a date!), I felt I could join them as a woman and not a child. So I asked them what they thought about Disha not bringing Ethan round to meet her mates, etc. Willow wanted to know if I was a wee bit jealous. I said of course I’m not jealous. I just don’t think it’s
NORMAL
. Flying against all past behaviour, the MC actually agreed with me on this one! She doesn’t think it’s normal either. The MC said she’s introduced Buskin’ Bob to
EVERYONE
she knows. Willow finally admitted that we had a point. She said the last time she had a new boyfriend (it’s amazing she remembers!) she even introduced him to people she
didn’t
know.

The MC wanted to know where I was going with my air bed and my overnight bag. I said I was going to my father’s. She
remembered
him, didn’t she? She wanted to know when I had been planning to tell her I wasn’t going to be around at the weekend. I said I
did
tell her but because she never listens to anything I say, she obviously didn’t hear me. Even though you’d think she’d know by now that guilt doesn’t work with me, she said what about Marcella and Lucrezia? They’d been looking forward to seeing me again. (Oh, and I
THEM
!) I said I felt that spending some time with my father was more important. She said I’d never shown any interest in spending time with my father before and I said that he’s never lived somewhere else before. Also, I think he’s
LONELY
. And he isn’t getting any younger, is he? Men his age have a tendency to suddenly drop dead. How would I feel if Sigmund had a heart attack next week and I’d missed my last chance to see him because I was listening to Marcella tell me which of her friends she’d fallen out with this week? I left
très
quickly before she could think of a comeback.

Sigmund took me to see a film tonight and then we picked up a pizza on the way home. I was going to get him in a nostalgic mood by reminiscing about all the good times we had as a family, but I couldn’t think of any. So instead I told him
all
about our week in the wilderness at
Camp Despair
(except for the bits where the Mad Cow and Buskin’ Bob were all lovey-dovey). I’ve never made him laugh so much! He asked if Robert
REALLY
played “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” every night? I said did the moon wax and wane? He said, “Well, your mother likes him.” Since part of this visit is to start sowing the seeds of doubt about Buskin’ Bob’s suitability for the MC, I said I didn’t think the Mad Cow’s judgement could be totally trusted. After all, she was
V HURT
by Sigmund running round with Mrs Kennedy like that and she needed to regain her sense of herself as a woman (I read this in the colour supplement). I said in that state she’d go for any bloke whose knuckles didn’t actually scrape the floor. Sigmund looked thoughtful at this, but since he’d determined to be
UNDERSTANDING
, he said that from what he’d heard they did seem to get on v well. I said there had been a couple of shouting matches in the Welsh wilderness. A spark of Hope shone in his eyes. He said
REALLY
? I said yes, really (these were between Marcella and Lucrezia or between Lucrezia and anybody else, but I didn’t see any reason to mention that).