Putting the Madge in Danna (19 page)

I didn’t even try to pester him about the
something special – I wanted to, but Zeus can be very stubborn when
it comes to surprises. I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole
night and I still can’t. Not sure what it’ll be – what haven’t we
done? I’m looking forward to it and so are my orifices.

In a way, I’m so relieved right now, not
only because Zeus has returned safely, but because he knows nothing
about this blog or its contents – unlike Gina Romano. He doesn’t
suspect a thing! I had hoped I would have completed my Madonna
inspired trysts before Zeus returned from Japan. But this is okay
too – better actually. Because now I can concentrate on completing
my mission without getting caught up in the whirlwind of romance.
Unless I’m creating my own tornado.

I drove Zeus to his parent’s house where we
had a vegetarian moussaka and Greek salad with huge chunks of Feta.
Then I went home, freed my needy pinky-pinkerson from the confines
of its dental floss-thin thong and took myself over the
rainbow.

Comments: 2

This is so
exciting!
Ro, Miami, FL

Good luck, Danna.
T. McGillicutty, Providence, RI

****

Glassy Rehearsal

Saturday, August 29, 2009 – 10:30am

Being the center of attention can have its
advantages, especially when I’m not quite myself and my brothers
have to be nice to me. Not sure how Mom and Dad managed to turn
them into gentlemen overnight, but after only a minor bit of
shenanigans, they acted the part yesterday at my wedding rehearsal
and at the dinner that followed – probably more for Zeus because
they like him so much. Everyone does.

I can’t say the same for my behavior last
night, because something ugly happened. I think I was cursed by the
gods. I should have worn Connie Zepkos’ evil eye or a crucifix, or
a red Kabbalah string bracelet.

One of the best parts of a Greek wedding is
that you don’t really know what the priest is saying. As I’ve
mentioned before, I have a very rudimentary understanding of the
Greek language, a more Greeklish, if you will. I prefer this, of
course, because then you don’t have to get all gooey-eyed and
emotional, and muck up your make-up for the photos. You just stand
there and smile, drink a little Jesus wine-blood, throw on some
gold rings, and pouf, an hour and a half later, you’re married!

Father Phillip speaks
English and can do the ceremony both ways, but I prefer the less
emotional of the two. As I’ve mentioned before, the whole
chuckle-headed laughter and hysterical tears paradigm has no place
in the arena of a well documented event. It’s supposed to be the
happiest day of my life. Can’t have people thinking I’m a
whack-a-doo. I don’t want to look anything less than camera-ready
when I’m paparazzoed and video-taped. Well, actually, Vince Romano
plans to film in 35mm so that the wedding will look like the
concert footage in
Truth or
Dare
. It’ll have a high definition look
and everything! Zeus and I can laugh and cry while we’re watching
it later, over popcorn and Champagne, and lots of
sexy-sexy.

Unfortunately, I had some trouble keeping my
emotions in check last night. The practice run had its share of
slapstick, although at the time, it was more like impending doom
than robotic dance inducing entertainment, and I turned into a sort
of ethereal wicked witch sans cool breeze. I was dressed in my
dream evening gown - bohemian styling, in a coral silk maxi dress
worn with a red jasper and turquoise necklace and matching heels. I
know, I couldn’t believe it either when I found them on-line for
half price – gemstone wedges! I wore my hair in a loose side braid.
It seemed the perfect outfit except that someone had forgotten to
turn on the air conditioners at church and that place of god was
like a holy hellhole.

Everyone was there milling
about – our parents, grandparents, several aunties and uncles, the
koumbari, my eleven bridesmaids and Zeus’ eleven ushers, the two
flower girls, our little ring bearer, and Father Philip. A handful
of others as well, like the parents of the youngsters in the
wedding party and the church secretary, Mrs. Helios, sat in the
pews. The last time I had spoken to her via a phone conversation at
work, she nearly gave me agida. Mom says it all the time –
you’re going to give me agida!
Whatever it is, the word seemed to fit the bill.
Mrs. Helios wasn’t smiling, at least at me. They were all talking
in clumped conversations as at a cocktail party, but their voices
echoed off the flying buttresses of the cathedral, and it started
getting really loud. Nothing like a typical church service, when
everyone is respectful of the priest’s archaic
sing-song.

The antics really began with Dean and
Demetrios, who fought over which one would walk Mom down the aisle
– Dean got to do it already at Demetrios’ wedding - so it was
decided that they’d both do it – Zeus’ suggestion since Demetrios
had another important role, which seemed fair. They didn’t know how
to offer Mom their arms so she had to stand there looking like a
sugar bowl with her arms as the handles, which they linked into. I
did not appear particularly lady-like or demure bridey when I
stepped in to direct, which is what I get for not hiring a wedding
planner.

“
Not like that, like this,
you flying monkeys!” I said forcing their respective arms to bend
into a triangular formation.

“
Like this?” Dean kept
moving his arm all over the place and I swear he was going to
either hit me in the nose with it or flap off to the witch’s
castle. Come to think, he reminded me of the claymation Titan
in
Clash of the Titans
, which is Dad’s second favorite movie. When Dean hadn’t been
flailing his arm, he was wiping sweat from his brow with his polo
shirt, thus flashing his six-pack for all the world to
see.

“
Stop being such a
Kraken!” I yelled finally. I’ve always been better at tricking Dean
into taking blame for our tiffs in front of witnesses, being the
girl and all, but not this time. I know Gina, who was standing at
the head of the bridesmaid row, had never seen that side of me, and
I’d never been deliberately rude in public, especially in front of
children. I wished I had supplied earmuffs as attendant gifts to
the two flower girls and the little ring bearer, Tommy
Minos.

“
Calm down, Dani,” Mom
said. “It’s not a big deal.”

“
Yes it is, Mom,” I said.
“It’s a simple case of are you or aren’t you
uncouth
?” I had turned to stare into
Dean’s eyes when I’d said it. I must have looked like Medusa to him
with my new green contact lenses in my brown eyes.

“
A Titan against a Titan,”
he said. I think smoke came out of my ears, I seriously remember
feeling it. I was becoming my own Japanese animé equivalent of a
Greek monster, like in that DVD from Japan that Zeus gave me to
watch - and in my movie, Dean’s animé would have taken a fatal
karate chop to the skull.

This nonsense went on for another five
minutes or so while Zeus passed out the monogrammed flasks to his
other ten ushers instead of waiting until the dinner party in the
Cassiopeia Room at Eli’s, where we’d planned an intimate dinner for
fifty - under the fiber-optic ceiling depicting the constellations
of Orion’s Belt.

Instead of arguing further, Demetrios
decided to concede, when Mom couldn’t figure out how she would hold
her clutch purse. It kept slipping and she had to detach herself
from him to pick it up. It looked stupid.

I had almost wanted to forgo this practice
session, thinking it was going to be a waste of time, because we’ve
all been to dozens of weddings and watched them on TV. It’s not
brain surgery or anything. It’s not even modeling. But for some
reason when you’re involved, it seems like a lot to remember, I
guess, especially to people who aren’t getting paid to comply with
your demands of them. It’s like being in a school play or
something.

Uncle Yanni had a couple
bottles of Ouzo, and it seemed everyone in the wedding party
partook in a shot or two, including the ushers, who had already
been drinking whiskey from their flasks. Not sure where they found
the shot glasses. I hope Daisy Metropolis didn’t have any, because
she’s only fifteen. I was beginning to think none of them would
remember their positions and
my
wedding would end up being the kind that wins
awards for disastrous consequences on
America’s Funniest Videos
.

Demetrios returned to his position beside
Zeus who looked completely relaxed and happy in his light-colored
suit and crisp white shirt. My brother and his wife, Penelope, are
the koumbari. It was supposed to be Zeus’ cousins, Ned and Nike
Zepkos from Sydney, Australia, but they decided they couldn’t make
it because there had been a death in Nike’s family. Needless to
say, but it would have been a hassle having transcontinentals as
koumbari, especially when it comes time to baptizing our kids.
People can’t come and go, back and forth from Australia. It’s so
expensive, although Ned’s a pilot for Qantas so – was it an omen
thingy?

When I saw Penny
Elinopoulous standing there all preggy-preggers, I thought – was
this a bad idea?
Should
I wear Mrs. Zepkos’ evil eye on Sunday instead of
that beautiful treasure Zeus gifted me with yesterday? I got a
little freaked, especially in light of what I had told you before,
remember? About the towering inferno candles and the accidents that
occur due to negligence? Penny could have a contraction or
something, and I’d burn just like the Scarecrow did at the end
of
The Wizard of Oz.
Demetrios wasn’t even bothering to practice with his
candle.

“
Are you going to be
okay?” I asked Penny. She was standing in front of my father and
me, waiting for the priest to call her down the aisle.

“
Of course, I am. I’m only
six months along, Danna. I’m not going to pop quite yet,” she said.
“But I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to Manhattan
with you and the girls. I should rest up for Sunday.”

I said, “To be honest with you, Pen, I’m
concerned about the candles. They give me the creeps. Maybe we
should ditch them. It’s not even lit and you keep moving it around
like you’re not even watching it. What if….”

“
It’s too hot right now,
hon,” she said, dismissively, I thought, as though I was her little
sister too even though we’re the same age. “I’m
not
watching it. Trust me. It’ll be
okay. You just have the jitters.” She squeezed my free
arm.

“
Okay, koumbara. You’re
up. Nice and slow,” Father Phillip ordered. “Wait a minute. Where’s
the other candle?”

“
Coming,” Demetrios
shouted from the altar. He raced around the side aisle and grabbed
the other candle sitting on the back pew, nearly plowing over Dad
and me on his way to hand it to his wife, missing us by a hair
using soccer player agility, I guess, but offering a breeze of
sweaty hot air in the process.

It was time for me to walk down the aisle on
the arm of my father.

“
Let’s blow this
pop-sickle stand,” Dad said. I found it so odd coming from him,
especially as devout a Christian and all. It was almost as though
he was making a joke out of this very serious business. He must
have heard that on TV, like on the
Simpsons
or something.

As we walked down the
aisle, my rendition of
Crazy for
You
filled the venue through the surround
sound hiding in the wooden pews. Normally, the priest doesn’t allow
music, but we had to make an exception and tape the choir, since
Mom is the soloist and I didn’t want her doing double duty. So it
was the wrong tape. I’d brought both tapes because they weren’t
labeled. Dean was supposed to have figured it out in the car on the
way over but he was probably listening to his iPod instead.
“Sorry!” someone shouted from the balcony. I stopped, thinking we’d
do a do-over - and Dad didn’t. He just kept walking. I nearly fell
over.

“
Come on,” he
commanded.

I said, “Dad, it’s the wrong music.”

“
So what?” he said and we
continued to where Zeus stood waiting, smiling as though he was
about to be married for real. I’m sure my face had the makings of a
scowl.

The little flower girls danced by the
candelabras. Tanya Ares started spinning faster like a figure
skater about to perform the Hamill-camel then hit her head on the
front pew – not that hard or anything but she started to cry and
her mother, Caroline, had to leave her place in the bridesmaid line
to comfort her.

I began sweating in my
silk maxi dress. I could feel my hoo-ha melting in a bad way. I
thought,
when I sit down in this dress,
I’ll never be able to get back up without the humiliation of a wet
spot.
I tried to put it all out of my head
and focus on my beloved and his dreamy brown eyes, but emotion had
gotten the best of me.

Dad started to walk behind me. “What are you
doing?” I screamed.

“
What’s the matter with
you?” he said. “What’s with the tirade? Young lady, you’ve wanted
this every day of your life for the last fifteen years. What do you
think I’m doing? I’m handing you over to your husband.”

He didn’t get it. “Dad if you walk behind
me, you’ll step on my train.”

“
What’s that?”