Screens and Teens (17 page)

• Believing they must have choices is supported by all the information available on the Web and other technology. They may have a challenging time limiting their search and being satisfied.

• Their belief that they can be their own authority undermines the role of teachers. As their own authorities, they can teach themselves what they need to know.

Accepting the wisdom and instruction of others will bless and benefit young people throughout their whole lives—not just today in their schooling years, but also in their adult relationships in the family, in the workplace, and in church life. The truth we need teens to understand is,
I benefit from teachers helping me sift and sort through all the information available to me. Doing this well and then synthesizing what remains will help me arrive at knowledge and wisdom. When I realize these allow me to solve problems better than just information does, I'll value them and be willing to work on my own to more consistently prioritize them
.

Lie #5: Information is all I need so I don't need teachers.
Truth #5: I have much to learn from God and others and must seek wisdom above information
.

Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.

PROVERBS 1:5 ESV

C
onnectivity
has taken on new meanings in our age of digital tools. We need to be hooked up to the Web, linked in with colleagues, and interfacing with other computers. We're uploading and downloading and storing information in a Cloud! It's a whole new world of connectivity.

Being connected through our technology may make sense, but the human heart will always long for the deeper connection of person-to-person. The subtitle of this book is “Connecting with Our Kids in a Wireless World.”
Connecting
may have been the word that caught your attention. Everywhere I go I meet parents
and grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, teachers, church volunteers, and pastors who want to connect more often and more deeply with their children and grandchildren. I'm always grateful they haven't given up! I keep on praying that their connections will improve and grow. Living well together is beautiful. Whether it's in the family, church, school, or community at large, we reflect God's unity when connecting peacefully and intimately. That ultimate connectivity is so worth working toward!

Someone posted a photo of people waiting in a store line. Every single person in the line was intently focused on a cellphone in his or her hand. Teens walking to and from the local high school seem to move slowly and, often, alone. They they too are looking down at a cellphone in their hands. Screens are mesmerizing! It's hard to pull our eyes off them to register what's going on around us to or make eye contact with the living, breathing people near at hand.

A seven-year-old girl talks about wanting her parents' attention: “A lot of time when my parents are home and on their computers, I feel like I'm not here, because they pretend like I'm not there … they're like not even talking to me, they just are ignoring me. I feel like, ughhh, sad [sigh]
.”
¹

Parents and young people can make adjustments in personal behaviors and family patterns that will promote a higher probability of connecting meaningfully. That deep connection will enable us to pass on our values and Christian worldview, talk openly about God and our faith journey, bring up character concerns, and
talk about the value of teachers, wisdom, and authority.

When people understand the
why
behind what's driving beliefs and behaviors, change is more likely and more lasting. Maybe you and your kids are already connecting more often and in more satisfying ways. If so, good for you!

Two more areas of focus can help promote this ultimate connectivity—conversations and contracts.

Children of all ages tell me they want and need to connect with their parents. They want to know
and
feel that parents care about them, their friends, and their activities. Having easygoing and meaningful conversations is an important way to do this. It takes skill and will—ability and strong desire.

Although technology can make connecting challenging, it's also true that online interactions
can
strengthen offline conversations. This is especially true if our relationships are already healthy. Connecting with our teens through social media, texting, FaceTime, and email positively affects teens' views of themselves and our face-to-face interactions.
²
Being present in your teens' online world is much more than being their “friend” and knowing their passwords so you can check up on them. It's about wanting
to connect. Gaming with them might also deepen connections because you're joining them in something they enjoy doing.
³

But the art of conversation can't be lost even if teens link sending a text message with “talking” to someone. In today's digital world we can't take for granted that our kids will learn actual conversation skills. It's going to take some intentional parenting to pass along the art of conversations. As you make an effort to improve conversation between you and your young people, here are some good guiding truths.

Interrogations Are Not the Same as Conversations

Sometimes teens tell me they can almost feel handcuffs tightening as they sit at the table and questions quickly follow one after another. They describe their parents' suspicious looks as being like a bright light focused on their eyes. They swear they're actually sweating as the heat and pace of the questions intensify. With great frustration, they proclaim, “Dr. Kathy, they treat me like I'm a suspect in a crime all the time!!”

Would your teens describe your interaction with them like this—more like the third degree than amicable discussion? Please note that I didn't ask if you'd describe your conversation this way, but if your teens would. It's their perception that matters. Interrogations won't help us connect, and getting grilled is one reason teens avoid interacting with their parents. There may be a time and a place for “not letting them off the hook,” but most of us probably overuse this technique.

How do you get your teen's attention? Do you usually start with questions? Starting with a question can make your kids' interrogation radar come up—and the barriers to communication come down.

Questions are totally appropriate and necessary, but we can ask them so they don't feel like drive-by shootings or obligations to check off a list. If we want more in-depth honest answers, our questions and the way we ask them need to be fresh and genuine. How do our teens decide if that's the case? When we're really listening! When we connect and respond to their answers, when we try to feel what they're feeling, when we try to share in their experiences, when we to want to genuinely understand, and when our offers to help them are appropriate.

Our questions can't be accusations hiding behind question marks. If you have a habit of continually bringing up past failures or offenses, kids may fear interacting with you because of what might be about to come up
again
. After an offense, teens do need to rebuild trust with their parents, but when something has been forgiven it needs to be relegated to the past and not constantly revisited. Let's make sure to model healthy forgiveness and reconciliation.

You might want to evaluate your interactions with your teens
to see if they truly are two-way streets, with you talking and listening and your teens talking and listening. On the two-way street of conversation, we can avoid head-on collisions and pay close attention if someone makes a U-turn. Use active talking and listening, statements and questions, compliments and corrections, and laughter and serious reflection. We must model when and how to agree to disagree and when and how to push in and persuade. We must also model humility when we are incorrect in our observations and assumptions. Let's pay attention to and provide helpful feedback about eye contact, facial expressions, and body language so it matches our words and theirs.

If you've never developed a good conversational pattern with your teens, or if it's degenerated in recent months, this rhythm may not be easy to establish or reestablish. But don't give up. Try, try again. Our teens are too important not to!

Consider the Time and Place

When we were growing up, our dinner table was where my brother, Dave, and I knew we'd get to connect with each other and with our parents. Dave and I answered questions about our day. We knew our parents asked not just to check up on us, but because they cared. We knew because our parents were actively involved in our lives and didn't
need
to ask. They
wanted
to ask. These conversations were a natural part of living as a family. Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane write about protecting that family time over a meal: “Don't use the dinner table to preach or discuss
stressful topics. Do that away from the table. At its best, dinner is about sharing stories, solving problems, no pressure, no meanness, no putdowns, no sarcasm—and no tech distractions.”
⁴

Decreasing the use of technology by implementing the connecting zones and connecting days we've discussed will create time and space for talking. Take advantage of it. Sometimes, as I described there, quiet is a great use of these times. So is play. But, talk, listen, listen, listen, talk.
⁵

Talking in the car can work well because teens know we can't make much or any eye contact with them. This makes it easier to share challenging news. Teens will tell me, “Dr. Kathy, when I know I'm going to disappoint my parents, I don't want to see the hurt in their eyes. So the car is great. It's a great place to talk because they can't leave. They have to listen. Of course, so do I, because I can't run away either, but that's okay if they've listened to me.”

Bedtime is another time and place teens prefer to talk. Even though we want our kids to get enough sleep and there's work we could do, some nights it pays to linger longer if they're in a talking mood. Just respond with, “And?” Or even plainly say softly, “Tell me more.” We don't have to ask questions to get more information. Sometimes we just need to give them the space to talk without inserting our voice or our thoughts. Questions formed from restatements of relevant information they shared can indicate that we've listened, but our teens can quickly perceive when a free conversation they wanted to have turns into a judgmental interrogation we want to have.

Connect to Meet Deep Needs

We must step up and try again even if our teens seem rarely in the mood to talk with us or listen to us. For us to maintain our authority and influence in their lives, our teens must want to be connected to us and our relationship must be healthy. Once connecting through conversations is part of our shared expectations, talking will involve less effort and stress. If it seems you are unable ever to have a healthy conversation, you may want to seek family counseling. This can help bring buried issues to the surface so you can heal from the past and successfully move toward the future. Conversation can be restored!

At the very beginning of this book, we identified five core needs that must be met in healthy ways. Through listening and talking, we and our teens can be more
secure
in each other and ourselves. We can discuss character qualities and provide information to increase kids' confidence. Simply pursuing them because we want to connect through conversations increases our teens' security and confidence. Don't expect to hear “thank you.” The exact opposite might occur at first. Pursue anyway.

Our
identity
can become more complete, accurate, and positive as we share. Our teens want to be known and they want to talk about themselves with someone who understands them or who wants to. We must be these significant, influential people. What a privilege!

Conversation will remind us that we
belong
to each other, and we'll understand better why we're connected. We'll discover our
teens really do want to connect even if they haven't expressed it well lately. During conversations we can discover or remember common interests, hobbies, and family traits, while we bond over them.

As we talk, our
purpose
as parents, teens, and our particular family can become clearer for today and tomorrow. We'll see how it springs from our security, identity, and belonging and supports all three. Families share many purposes. Sometimes I think my family members—spread now across different states—believe we exist to support the Green Bay Packers. We are Packer Backers without apology! On game days we wear Packer shirts and green and gold beads and cheese-head earrings. We use cheese-head coasters and eat our tailgate-style food on Packer plates. Every Christmas, at least one person will get new Packer socks as a gift. From our distant cities, we text furiously back and forth during games. We bond and connect over Packers football. Of course, that's not the only purpose we share. Christian families share the ultimate purpose that their love and service to one another will glorify God.

As we each share our needs and listen well, our
competence
will increase. We'll encourage teens to rely on certain qualities they have within and we'll help them identify people who can fill in the gaps. As teens become more secure in our relationship, through these healthy connections, they'll more often turn to us to help them solve problems and make decisions. That's connection.