Screens and Teens (12 page)

2. We can give presence rather than praise
. Maria Popova wrote a fascinating piece about the importance of prioritizing presence over praise when our goal is a child's achievement. Although her illustration involves a four-year-old boy, the result may be true for a person of any age. Popova writes:

Popova writes that psychologist Stephen Grosz argues that presence “helps build the child's confidence by way of indicating he is worthy of the observer's thoughts and attention—its absence, on the other hand, divorces in the child the journey from the destination by instilling a sense that the activity itself is worthless unless it's a means to obtaining praise.”
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Being present and directing our attention to kids can be something
better
than praise. People of all ages respond to the feeling that someone is thinking about them, focusing on them, valuing who they are and what they have to say. Tune in to your teens. Close your own laptop or iPad so you can give them your eye contact.

We Live in a Culture of “Like”

The culture of “like” is also alive and well and contributing to the pursuit of happiness. Pictures, videos, and details about teens' days can be immediately “liked” and shared through social media sites. It's more important to many to be liked in an online community than in person. They also may think it's more realistic to be liked digitally because they're not totally known—warts and all—by their online “friends.” Placing an inappropriate emphasis on technology and their digital “friends” is part of the worldview lie that “I am the center of my own universe.” Unfortunately, for many, being paid attention to is more important than paying attention. Technology allows for endless self-promotion. It's become the adult version of show-and-tell.
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What happens may feel like true belonging, but it's often not.

When you were in high school, how did you know if you were “cool”? Maybe popular students asked you to sit with them at lunch or tucked invitations into your hallway locker. Maybe someone else would notice that. As Sarah Brooks points out, “There may have been a few eyewitnesses and it was pure joy.”
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A major difference for our kids today is that their popularity status can be determined by a numerical value provided by their peers. They can rank themselves. Brooks writes, “Let me explain … Your daughter has 139 followers, which is twenty-three fewer than Jessica, but fifty-six more than Beau. Your son's photo had thirty-eight likes which was fourteen fewer than Travis's photo, but twenty-two more than Spencer's.”
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As she points out, there's less mystery. Today's teens can't assume they are or aren't popular based on face-to-face interactions like we did. Popularity is now quantifiable and explicit.

Young people have probably always had a tendency to pay more attention to themselves than to others. It's just easier for today's youth to be self-centered because of the constant connection and temptation technology provides. For instance, rather than perusing Facebook to see who and what they can like, they hover over their own posts to see who has liked them. Some teens unfriend peers who don't like their posts often enough.

A friend of a friend recently talked with her former education professor. She asked how things were going and the professor commented on his concern for his students, all of whom intended to become teachers one day. He explained that he had students take out their phones on the first day of class. He instructed
them to take a picture—and 85 percent of them took selfies. He fears they won't make very good teachers if they don't change that attitude. I absolutely agree!

Parents also want to shift their teens from self-centeredness. What can we do to help?

1. We can increase opportunities for self-evaluation
. Help your kids to evaluate their efforts without counting “likes” or looking for social media feedback. Talk about what they learned in the process or what they discovered about themselves as they worked on a project. We can affirm and edify intrinsic value that God put within our children in healthy and appropriate ways. We can teach them that character and talent is more important than simply receiving online affirmation.

2. We can be careful of our own responses to the “like” factor
. When we post an update on Facebook or a picture on Instagram, do we watch to see how long it takes before someone likes it? Do I believe my blog is worth reading, but question myself a day after posting it because it wasn't liked or shared enough? Do I forget how often I read things, like them, but don't click on the “like” button to give feedback? Might people do that with my blog, too? Online approval, silence, or rejection might inform, but it should never be the barometer of intrinsic value.

3. We can affirm and edify our teens' intrinsic value
. Each teen has been created by God, in His image—and the sacrifice of Jesus was made to purchase each teen's life for God. So our teens have intrinsic value—and unique gifts and personalities (Psalm 139). We can find healthy and appropriate ways to notice and affirm what we value in our teens. We can teach them that character and talent are more important than simply receiving online affirmation.

4. We can make sure our kids are familiar with growth points in their lives
. Especially if our children are active on social media, we should make sure they're aware of their weaknesses so they can learn and be strengthened as a result. It's not that they should post about their faults, but by posting only about their strengths, or victories on the football field or volleyball court, and other successes, they can forget they have weaknesses to improve and challenges to overcome. This may cause them to plateau and maintain an unrealistic view of themselves. Make sure they know talking with God about their weaknesses isn't shaming, but wise (Hebrews 4:15). Developing an attitude like Paul's is mature. He wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he [Jesus] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

5. We can help teens process their emotions well
. Some teens post cryptic messages that may be attempts to dodge parental or outsiders understanding, but they may also be cries for
help. Some never post anything negative. In both cases, they may be stuffing a lot that we could help them think through. Be available. Be present. If you experience their quick temper or they seem easily frustrated, there may be something going on under the surface. Be the parent and create opportunities to talk and connect.
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6. We can decrease media time and increase tech-free time
. One sure way of dealing well with the “like” factor is to spend less time on social media and more time in face-to-face real-time interactions. Encourage your kids to be involved in activities where iron can truly sharpen iron (Proverbs 27:17) and they can experience the “living water” of life-giving relationships with Christ and others.

Parents can feel overwhelmed as they try to counterbalance the influences of the culture of now, impatience, easy, entertainment, new, entitlement, winning, and like. Whew! But we can't lose heart! Our teens need us to keep on pouring truth into their lives, by word and example.

What's the truth we want teens to believe instead of this lie that they deserve to be happy all the time? It comes down to understanding the difference between happiness and joy. The truth is that happiness is short-term and joy is long-term. Happiness is externally influenced, and joy is internal. We deserve nothing, and yet God has given us everything: Himself. Being grateful continually rather than needing to be happy constantly shows maturity.
Internal joy, peace, and contentment, which are all possible no matter my circumstances, are wise to pursue through a dynamic relationship with Jesus Christ.

We can direct today's young people away from the pursuit of happiness toward the pursuit of something more lasting—joy. This will cultivate gratefulness and increase contentment in their hearts. Joy, gratefulness, and contentment will serve them well in marriage, work, and the relationships that mean the most.

Lie #2: I deserve to be happy all the time.
Truth #2: I can have joy no matter my circumstances
.

The joy of the Lord is your strength.

NEHEMIAH 8:10

W
hen teaching parents and teachers about the effects of technology on teens, I almost always ask, “How many of your teens complain and argue way more than you thought they would?” As they audibly moan, practically the whole audience raises their hands. When they see many hands in the air, they're encouraged to discover they're not alone.

Parents are encouraged again as they learn that the complaints are not necessarily indicative of ineffective parenting but can be directly linked to technology use.

Teens are surrounded by choice! In technologically developed
nations, we're privileged with more options than we can handle. Because young people have never known life without many choices, their brains are wired to expect options. Being given a choice is an automatic preference. Choice is one of the things that keeps them happy so this lie is related to the happiness lie. Variety is their spice of life, and multiple available choices mean that change is constant.

Just when we figured out that a teen likes a certain brand of jeans, a particular band, the youth group at the church we just checked out, or a sandwich at the deli on the corner, he changes his mind. She changes her mind about future career possibilities as often as she changes her favorite song, her favorite kind of car, or the color of her nail polish. It's not that teens have stopped liking the things they liked yesterday; they just like to change things up and keep their options open. They know that at any moment, they might like something else better. And most teens think they
need
this range of options.

Let's find out how much this lie is influencing your teens' behavior and yours. Remember, because young people's beliefs are heavily influenced by who they listen to, it's your job as a parent to pursue relationship with them so you can talk about these things. Connect through technology and without it. Listen. Watch. Talk. Listen some more.
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Deep down, they long for a connection with you.

Teens believe they need choice and that choices are their right for two primary reasons: the variety of options always available to them and the drop-down menus used by so many technology tools, toys, and services. For some kids, there's a third cause. If they have premature freedom to make decisions and they regularly do what they want, freedom of choice will be their expectation. So, if we've prioritized happiness to keep the peace, and recognize we've contributed to the culture of “I don't want that, I want this,” let's own it and talk about it with our teens as we work to improve our relationship and their future.

Of course technology has contributed to this lie being believed by many, many young people. We've already established how prevalent choice is. For example, in one minute Instagram users post 216,000 new photos and YouTube users upload 72 hours of new video.
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You read that right—every minute we have 72 more hours of video to choose from. Spotify allows us to choose from among more than 20 million songs and iTunes Radio has more than 27 million.
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There are almost 1 billion websites.
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It's no wonder teens believe they deserve choices!

Choice shows up everywhere. Like me, you may remember a time when there were just a few restaurants near your home. Going out to eat might have been a rare treat. In contrast, many of our children have eaten out often. Not only that, but think how the number of choices at these restaurants has increased over the
years. For instance, where I live, Mexican food is especially popular. It's rare that a non-Mexican restaurant doesn't serve their version of something Mexican. Just thinking about the options at my local coffee bar makes my head spin.

There's another contrast with the “old days” relevant to this lie. When I was a teen, biblical morality was the norm. There was great consistency in a community, and even in our country, as to what constituted right and wrong. This naturally decreased options and limited choice. Of course, not everybody thought then or thinks now that this is a good thing. However, we can't deny that it narrowed choices.

When a teacher assigned a paper of 300 words due Tuesday, we wrote a paper that long and turned it in on Tuesday. When a youth pastor said permission slips needed to be turned in the Saturday before camp, we knew to turn ours in by then if we wanted to go. When a parent or grandparent asked us to help with the dishes, it would have been unthinkable to beg off or suggest someone else help instead.

What emotional responses are you having to these illustrations? Do you relate to a different time, or do you relate more to this generation of choices? Now that we've identified several lies, perhaps you're beginning to predict which of your teens' beliefs
and behaviors are related to this lie. Let's find out more about this demand for choice and how it's affecting teens.

Many Teens Are Overwhelmed

As appealing as choices are, and as necessary as teens believe they are, too much of a good thing isn't always a good thing. Consider this. I have so many CDs on my desk that I sometimes don't want to have to decide which one to listen to so I turn on the radio instead. I let the producer of that show make decisions for me. (Yes, it's true: I still use ancient technology called “a CD Player.” I paid for my CDs, my CD player still works, so I use them.) When it comes to too many choices, paralysis rather than liberation is a common occurrence.
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So how can we help young people maintain equilibrium when they are inundated with so many choices they could be overwhelmed?

1. We can help our teens know that it's okay to change their minds sometimes
. Many teens want to make right decisions and are afraid they'll be wrong or they'll change their mind. We can explain that changing their mind doesn't mean they were wrong or they failed. It's often the case that what is right today isn't going to be right a month from now. Maybe the situation changed, or we've gained better information about people or a situation. Rethinking a decision doesn't always mean the first decision was wrong.

2. We can provide helpful feedback so choosing doesn't seem so overwhelming
. We can help teens think through
why
a choice was wise or not. If it was unwise, was it because the choice was dangerous, selfish, immature, or lazy? We can help them analyze their wise decisions, too. What past experiences guided them to a smart choice? Did they integrate your feedback into their thinking? Were they efficient, creative, or something else? We can also help them anticipate how similar thinking could be relevant to future decisions.

3. We can limit choices when possible
. Because they are forced to make so many choices all the time, we can help them narrow down choices when possible. We might do this when looking at colleges or choosing classes at school. Rather than looking at all the options in front of them, narrow the choices to some of the best options for them. Talk about simple ways to disqualify options to make some choices easier.

Many Teens Are Dissatisfied

After dealing with being overwhelmed, teens finally choose. But, as psychologist Barry Schwartz explains, “Whenever you're choosing one thing, you're choosing not to do other things. And those other things may have lots of attractive features, and it's
going to make what you're doing less attractive.”
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Dissatisfaction creeps in because teens have so many good options constantly available to them.

We've already recognized that teens can be stressed and prone to depression. Being overwhelmed and second-guessing decisions can cause stress. Making choices that line up with the other lies we've established will also result in eventual dissatisfaction.

Remember Lie #1, that each person is the center of his or her own universe? Because of their worldview, everything is supposed to be about today's teens. But making choices that always leave them at the center of the wheel can also leave them lonely and frustrated when others don't respond as if they're the center. They may try to be the center of their own universe, but they can't be the center of everybody else's. Cue dissatisfaction and even anger.

Lie #2—that teens have to be happy all the time—plays into dissatisfaction, too. Choosing so they're happy all the time gets exhausting. Being self-centered and selfish in this regard certainly puts others off, which can lead straight to loneliness. And, when it looks like they shouldn't be lonely, based on the number of “friends” in their networks and on their phone, it's even worse.

It's also very possible that prioritizing happiness means teens won't develop emotional resiliency. They may not stick around and process disappointment and unhappiness in healthy ways. Rather, they'll just make a new decision they're sure will result in happiness. It's a vicious cycle of disappointment and discouragement.

So how can we direct teens to more satisfying patterns of handling choices?

1. We must model and teach criteria and standards that are better than happiness and healthier than “It's all about me.”
Satisfying choices are based on core values that guide our decision-making. The Bible can help us make choices that line up with our biblical beliefs and honor God. Family values can drive our choices. Sometimes predetermined priorities or boundaries guide our decisions. For instance, if you decide ahead of time that you will not carry more than two volunteer responsibilities at a time, it makes the decision simpler when you're faced with a third option. Either you step away from something you're already doing to take on the new volunteer position or you decline the new option.

2. We can help teens understand the
why's
. For our children to use healthy criteria in decision-making, they'll need to understand the good reasons we have for choosing those healthy parameters. We shouldn't assume the why's are obvious or that the reasons we value what we value are obvious. Most often, the
why
isn't seen or heard. To pass on our values, we must talk about them often,
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encourage our children to observe us, and not assume every question they ask is judgmental. We can use those teachable moments that happen in the throes of life to explain why we just did what we did. Having them contribute to a family mission statement of sorts that outlines how decisions are made could be very helpful as well.

3. We can provide helpful, consistent, and specific observations about who teens are
. When young people know themselves well, they'll be better able to choose what's best for them. But they often don't know themselves well yet.
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We can help them by giving specific feedback as we have opportunity. “You were very patient last night. I know that because you answered your sister's questions when you were helping her with her homework. I'm proud of you for being helpful and patient.” If it appears that your teen doesn't care what you think, don't give up! This is an important part of developing security and identity in their developing hearts.

4. We can give teens opportunity to serve
. Serving others is a sure way of learning more about ourselves. When doing something for others, teens will be stretched in their personal strength and competence. This can be as simple as taking an elderly relative to a doctor's appointment, helping a teacher after school, or helping another homeschooling family with a project. Or it might be as big as a church-sponsored, multi-day missions trip, or feeding the poor. They might discover what fulfills them and what causes joy to bubble up. Self-awareness can help them make healthier choices.

5. We can give teens opportunities to consider others
. Serving can motivate teens to consider others when making choices and decisions. Putting others first can become very
satisfying when it's experienced often enough. Just recently, a young girl who purchased school supplies for others declared loudly to her mom, “That felt good, mommy! Let's do it again!” As Christ role-modeled for us, selflessness and sacrificial service facilitates real growth, honest relationship, and not despair or isolation. Doing projects like sponsoring and communicating with a Compassion International child, or filling a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child, or selecting, wrapping, and delivering a Project Angel Tree gift can help teens consider others and factor others into their choices.