Those of us who are older usually don't change our beliefs as often as teens do. Our beliefs have become the starting point for relationships and not the other way around. We know what we believe and choose to relate most intimately with people who have similar beliefs. Because we decide and control what influences we allow in our lives, we are less likely to change our minds. It's not that we're unteachable. But we value our beliefs and won't compromise them just because someone thinks we should. We have
belief-based relationships
.
That changeability for teens has its upside! The good news is, with relationship-based beliefs, when teens adopt a belief we disapprove of, it may be easier to get them to change their minds. But, of course, that happens most as they truly believe we want to be in relationship with them. Teens are influenced by relationshipâand so parents have to grow the relationship. We have to show them we believe our relationship is meaningful so that they believe the relationship is meaningful. It doesn't matter what we
say
is true. It's what teens
see
as true.
One parent shared that when she and her son were going through a tough time, he wrote her a note about his frustrations.
Among other things he communicated, “I don't know you. And I feel you don't know me. You talk to me about things that need to be done around the house but you don't talk to me about my thoughts or feelings about stuff.” His words were a wake-up call for her to invest more intentionally in a meaningful relationship with her son.
Be alert for teachable moments and relevant times to share about your life as you listen to stories about theirs. You know the wrong timing will quickly kill their interest. Don't give up! Through shared stories, differences and similarities will become clear. That's a good basis for conversations, and two-way communication will build deeper and more honest relationships.
You can build your relationship with your teen by keeping an open mind about his or her network of relationships. Don't constantly dismiss the people they relate to. Try to cultivate your awareness of who is in your teen's life.
If you have trouble getting your teen to open up so your relationship can be more authentic, try writing notes back and forth. You can do this at night or leave a note on your teen's bed while he or she is at school. Teens tell me they like collecting their thoughts without emotions getting in the way when responding to questions or concerns you bring up. They tell me they can feel ambushed when a parent calls, “Come here. We need to talk.” If they haven't been aware there's a problem, they're not ready to discuss itâand the parent has a great advantage during the conversation. Writing gives both parents and teens the chance to consider their responses.
Whether you work side by side, take your teen out for a coke, or use a pillow journal, it's important to invest in your relationship with them. Their beliefs are heavily influenced by their relationships. Make sure you're one of those influential relationships.
Truth #2: Teens Want to Improve the World
Because teens have seen many hardships, tragedies, and hurt in our broken world via the World Wide Web, many are energized to solve problems. They want to improve something that's wrong. Some care about kids across the world from them (even if they may not notice the kids in their church or school). Other teens care for those they know and seem disinterested in the needs of those they don't know in person. Big or small, young people see their efforts as creating a better world. This stereotypical wide-eyed idealization seems to be a rite of passage that is further magnified by the stimuli provided online.
Teens' motivations also differ. Some genuinely care about people. Some just care about proving they can do something big. Some want attention and recognition for what they do. This may be the case if they watch certain reality television shows and have seen peers gain position and popularity because of their good acts. A teen's own self-centered tendencies can also be a factor, but parents can have huge influence here.
A friend of mine has gotten to know a group of homeless people in Chicago. She regularly takes them backpacks full of supplies and food. Her children help her collect what they need, pack the backpacks, write personal notes, pray for them, and sometimes deliver the food and supplies with her. My friend and her kids love these people. These children, and others raised like them, will more likely serve to help rather than because it makes them look good.
When I posted a question about today's teens on Facebook, this response reflected the common theme: “What I appreciate most about the teenagers I work with is their desire and drive to take action. They don't want to just talk about the problems that exist in our culture, they want to be a driving force behind creating new culture.” What a great trait for a generation of young people to embody!
Another response read, “Most of them truly want to make the world a better place. If you give them a âpurpose' they are full-steam-ahead. We joke that if we said our church was a church plant we would have college kids coming out our ears. They want to be a part of something that âmeans' something to the world.”
Because of this awareness of the problems of the world, some teens get overwhelmed by all that's wrong. These young people may believe they can't do enough so they choose to do nothing. It may be because they don't know their strengths or how their strengths are relevant to the issue at hand. They may be prone to depression. Is it surprising that parents whose talk is negative and pessimistic tend to raise children not oriented to change?
This paralysis and inaction can also occur when parents appear overwhelmed. Frankly, being overwhelmed is understandable.
News reports are all around us. Apps and email blasts keep us informed. Media decision-makers who determine what is newsworthy almost always choose bad news. Crawls on websites and televisions announce bad weather, bad traffic, and bad anything else.
This desire to improve the world, which is a strength, can contribute to apathy at church and at school. If teens don't believe the content being taught by authority figures or talking heads will help them improve the world the way they want to, deep down, they may not engage. This apathy can lead to disrespect for authority, sporadic attendance, low grades, and an increase in the dropout rate.
Our young people want to change the world. They see authority figures, world problems, and even the daily news through this filter. Helping them identify opportunities and then learn to serve is one way we can influence this truth in the right direction. As they serve in small ways, they learn that their efforts can make a difference in the world.
Truth #3: Teens Are Creative, Innovative, and Entrepreneurial
Have you noticed your teens coming up with new and different approaches to ordinary tasks? Have they suggested unique solutions for dysfunction they're aware of in their community or elsewhere in the world? Their creative and innovative spirits are
birthed in their desire to solve problems and their exposure to many different ideas on websites, blogs, videos, and elsewhere. Many are also entrepreneurial, especially turning these ideas into nonprofits and personalized volunteer opportunities. As film director Justin Dillon said, “It used to be the coolest thing you could do when you were a teenager is start a band. Now the coolest thing you can do is start a nonprofit.”
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How can we take advantage of these abilities and increase our teens' motivation? When discussing current issues and things that matter to our young people, we can consider how they naturally think and ask them, “What might be a better way to do this?” Help them put their creative gifts to the test! Making it easy for teens to bring up new ideas honors them and their unique contributions.
Realize teens may get bored quickly and frustrated easily when expected to do things the same way all the time. They may also get frustrated when their ideas are constantly rejected. Of course, they need to learn how to communicate their ideas and ask questions with respectful attitudes. Otherwise, they may be appropriately judged as critical, arrogant, and prideful.
Teens have always been bright and have always had something to offer. But this generation seems uniquely aware of big problems and uniquely motivated to tackle them! Asking for their ideas and encouraging them to think is an important strategy in embracing their creative, innovative, and entrepreneurial spirit.
Truth #4: Their Security Is in Technology
I speak to a lot of parent groups. When I ask parents of teens to indicate if they're frustrated by how hard it is to get their kids to turn off their phones, stop listening to their music, and power down their screens, virtually every hand goes up. It's one of parenting's most consistent frustrations. And then I ask the parents if it's hard for them to turn off their own devices. Nervous laughter and looks around the room follow.
Today's young people are known to say, “You might as well cut off my arm if you're going to take away my phone.” Technology is like breathing to the average teen. It's a normal, everyday part of life they don't even think about. A contemporary cartoonist might show a child clutching a phone instead of a security blanket. Teens associate comfort with access to technology.
Let's be honest: It's not their fault screens are teens' security. They've been raised with technology; their brains are wired to use and depend on these technological tools. It started young for them! Think about it: How many of us adults have handed even young children a handheld device to entertain and even soothe them?
But I'll say it again: No “thing” will ever meet young people's legitimate need for security. They should find it in us, in others who are worthy of their trust, and in themselves when they have a healthy self-awareness and behave wisely. Most importantly, they should learn to place their security in God. But the reality is that technology is often a teenager's security.
Truth #5: They're Tech-Addicted, Tired, Stressed, Overwhelmed, Depressed, and Escaping
If you've observed any of these emotional states in the teens and children you love, you're not alone. The problems you've observed may be why you picked up this book in the first place. It's hard to connect in healthy ways with anyone who is tech-addicted, tired, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed, and/or lonely. This is especially true for teens, who don't have as many coping strategies as adults. If you haven't observed these consistently in your children, thank God! But talk with your teens, and you'll find that many of their friends are struggling with tech addiction, fatigue, stress, feeling overwhelmed, depression, and escapism.
Where do all these issues stem from? The technology is not as perfect or as nurturing as our teens need it to be. The messages they've pulled from vast doses of screen time have been hugely influential, and they send widely varied messages. All that conflicting data is stressful; our teens' subconscious beliefs may be very conflicted. And the less-than-real presentation of images on a screen can establish some disconnect with teens' reality. Why isn't their world as cool, as clever, as beautiful as the one they see on screen? Why aren't they similarly cool, clever, and beautiful?
Parents have the unique role of being able to provide
truth-training for their teens. We can provide feedback about who our teens really are. Our accurate assessment of their personal worth can help them not to be so hard on themselves. We can help them assess the limitations of technology.
To increase our understanding, let's look at the dynamics of each of the elements in Truth #5.
Tech Addiction
. Habits are things we choose to do repeatedly. They can either be healthy and wise or unhealthy and unwise. If you start paying attention to your habits, you'll find they usually fall into one of two categories: good and bad. If a bad habit drives our behavior, we can, with some intentionality, choose to stop it in time. Of course, our good habits, like praying with our children, playing with them, and patiently answering their questions, are habits we don't want to stop!
Not every teen who uses lots of technology is addicted. Some have simply developed habits like playing certain games, using websites to learn about actors in their favorite movies, and texting among friends. On the other hand, when behavior is driven by an addiction, we are “unable to control the aspects of the addiction without help because of the mental or physical conditions involved.”
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Almost four in ten young people fear they are addicted to the Internet.
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One twelve-year-old girl reports, “The Internet nearly always controls my actions. I have been told that I am addicted to the Internet, and prefer its company rather than being with other people. I feel lost without the Internet.”
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Because of the dangers of
addiction, we must be alert to our children's use of technology and their attitudes and behaviors when they're not connected. Addiction can trigger other negatives like fatigue, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
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In the face of these factors, parents still have great influence over our teens. Not only do they watch how we cope with frustrations, boredom, and impatience, they also watch how we use technology. If parents disengage from children to stare at screens, children will likely do the same.
Because of what we know about how the brain's soft-wiring develops, we must be diligent. The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University tells us why addiction is more prevalent during formative years than it is for adults: “Because the teen brain is still developing, addictive substances physically alter its structure and function faster and more intensely than in adults, interfering with brain development, further impairing judgment and heightening the risk of addiction.”
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