Screens and Teens (5 page)

Children who develop addictions to screens are much more susceptible to developing other addictions someday. Research suggests 90 percent of addictions have roots in the teen years. To further drive home this point, one in four Americans who began using any addictive substance before age eighteen are addicted, compared to one in twenty-five who started using at age twenty-one or older.
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A little illustration may paint a picture of what happens in the brain with addiction. We're in the middle of a serious drought
where I live so our rivers have less water than normal. Some have dried up completely. Yet the river's banks are still there. I can still see where the water belongs. When it rains, that's where the water will flow. The banks will once again serve their purpose.

Patterns in the brain form because repetition much like water forces a pattern into the dirt when the river is first formed. When the same things (good or bad) are done over time, it's easy for us to keep doing them. Just like the water can't control where it goes, we may feel like we can't control our fingers or minds and where they go. A pattern has been set that can be hard to change. It becomes routine, a new normal. Habits, if we're not careful, become addiction. When you're playing a game on your computer, have you ever intended to click on “exit” but you clicked on “play again”? Have you reached for your phone so often at red lights that now it's hard not to? Those are habits ingrained into your brain connections.

Just as a river's banks will continue to support and direct the water, the brain's patterns will continue to support our behavior. It's hard not to continue. Change is possible—definitely—but change won't be automatic or even easy. Teens need to see us being transparent about our own negative habits. We can share personal examples of our own history with changing bad habits or reversing negative routine behaviors. We need to show them we're willing to move from recognizing problems to taking action to change our behaviors at the same time we're expecting them to work at changing theirs.

When we limit our use of screens and encourage our teens toward other activities, we're digging new “river banks,” so to speak. The new patterns will replace the automatic reach for a screen. Not only will this enrich teens' lives today, it makes it less likely that addictions to drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, cutting, and tobacco may happen in the future.

So play outside, go for walks as a family, attend sporting events, and plant a garden. Play board games as a family and talk and laugh while you play. Read together and discuss what you read. Listen to engaging literature or appropriate sermons or podcasts when in the car. Discuss what you enjoy and find intriguing. Make meals together. Enjoy life, fight tech addiction, and reprogram your family's brain patterns at the same time!

Fatigue
. Fatigue can be a very real side effect of too much screen time. Because technology too often distracts them while studying, kids stay up later to get work finished. Also, too many are sleeping with their phones and waking with every incoming text. Others are gaming in the middle of the night. Two-thirds of eleven- to seventeen-year-olds take their tablet, smartphone, or laptop to bed and talk to friends online, play games, and watch films. Only a third does homework on the devices.
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Our internal light cues and sleep-inducing hormones are influenced by the glowing lights emitted by screens. When the lights are bright, the brain can even be tricked to think it's daytime.
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Fatigue is dangerous for many reasons. You know this from your own experience. Would you agree you don't think as carefully
or clearly when tired? We're all aware of warnings against driving while overtired. But all of us have experienced that sluggishness of mind that comes with weariness, and most of us have regretted decisions made when we were way too tired. We adults experience these issues even though our brain development is complete. How much more might fatigue be causing thinking problems for our kids whose brains are not yet fully formed?

Teens' grades are negatively affected because of fatigue.
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When they're tired they have trouble focusing on, organizing, and completing their school work.

In the battle against screen-related fatigue, one strategy might be to require teens to recharge their cellphones overnight in the kitchen or another room that's far from their bedrooms. Your phone company may allow you to use parental controls to set time restrictions over the hours your teens' phones are active. Maybe it would be enough at your house just to set a phones-off time of 9:00 or 10:00 p.m. on school nights. My friend Jill knows a family that changes their Wifi password daily at bedtime. They give their kids the password the next day once they know chores and homework obligations have been fulfilled. Whatever you choose to do, you can take proactive measures to battle fatigue in your teens.

Stressed and overwhelmed
. These are common emotional states for teens. Feeling overwhelmed usually causes stress. And feeling overwhelmed can result in emotional and activity shutdown. When there's too much too cope with, teens can develop apathy toward the problems that concern them. Being
overwhelmed can muddy their thinking and lead to apathy, depression, and intellectual, emotional, and social paralysis.
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Whether or not your teen uses the word
overwhelmed
, the feelings and concept emerge as teens talk about their struggles. They're often overwhelmed by all the information that's available and they're not sure how to process it all. This can lead to failure to make choices—or to making muddled choices instead of consistently wise ones.

We may also be overwhelmed. For adults, media-overload is the seventh leading cause of stress.
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It's not just our kids who have to learn to manage information overload. We have to tackle this, too! What contributes to this? Practically every minute of every day:

• YouTube users upload 48 hours of new video.

• Email users send 204,166,667 messages.

• Google receives over 2,000,000 search queries.

• Facebook users share 684,478 pieces of content.

• Twitter users send over 100,000 tweets.

• Apple receives about 47,000 app downloads.

• Brands and organizations on Facebook receive 34,722 “likes.”

• Instagram users share 3,600 new photos.

• 571 new websites are created.

• WordPress users publish 347 new blog posts.
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There's never been a better time for having information at our fingertips! Yet the reality of managing the massive amount of information presents challenges previous generations never had to experience. Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is a logical byproduct of so much data and so many messages headed our way.

Depressed and escaping
. More parents than ever before approach me after seminars to talk about their teens' depression. I hear about kids who used to be involved and outgoing who are now closed off from friends. These parents aren't alone, and you aren't either, if that's part of your story. “In 2013, 29.9 percent of students nationwide had felt so sad or hopeless almost every day for two or more weeks in a row that they stopped doing some usual activities.”
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Escaping from depression, other feelings, and much of life is a solution for this generation just as it's been for all of us who have gone before. Where in the past sedating pain with alcohol, drugs, and sex were too common, today's teens may be choosing the social scroll (browsing through social media feeds) and music. These very behaviors may feed their addiction and isolation and can result in more of the very thing they're trying to escape.

Are you familiar with the term
couch potato
? It's been used to describe people who sit in front of the television for hours on end. I like to call people who just sit in church without engaging
“pew potatoes.” Now, due to fatigue, stress, boredom, and being overwhelmed we can talk in terms of “scroll potatoes.” As my coworker Randy Thomas, our Celebrate Kids online content and social media manager, says, “The feeds of social networks can cause an infinite waste of time as people scroll through their feeds looking for a laugh or distraction.”

Suicide is a horrifying form of escape affecting many more young people than most of us realize. For youth in America between the ages of ten and twenty-four, suicide is the third leading cause of death. It results in approximately 4,600 lives lost each year.
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Deaths from youth suicide are the greatest tragedy, but it's not the only problem. More young people survive suicide attempts than actually die. They may be emotionally fragile for quite a while. Youth in grades 9–12 from public and private schools throughout the United States were surveyed: When asked about the twelve months preceding the survey, 16 percent reported seriously considering suicide, 13 percent reported creating a plan, and 8 percent reporting trying to take their own life. Each year, approximately 157,000 youth between the ages of ten and twenty-four receive medical care for self-inflicted injuries at emergency departments across the U.S.
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These are stunning and horrifying statistics.

“In the United States, 70 percent of all deaths among youth and young adults aged 10–24 years result from four causes: motor vehicle crashes (23 percent), other unintentional injuries (18 percent), homicide (15 percent), and suicide (15 percent).”
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These numbers illustrate the sad reality of how depression and the desire to escape current circumstances play a part in many teens' realities. Technology can provide an easy first step in escaping.

Rather than let these statistics cripple us with fear, we should let these truths motivate us to help our kids develop healthy coping skills for when life gets hard. Helping kids to find alternatives to screen “scroll potato” behavior—like practicing talking about feelings, asking for help, discussing fears, journaling, looking to the Bible, getting out and taking a walk, and spending time with a friend—will help them avoid suicide and the other “severe” escapes into alcohol, drugs, and cutting.

Yes, technology can be a leading reason why a teen might be tired, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, wanting to escape, or addicted to screens. Yes, there's a perfect storm in our culture that's making life more challenging for this next generation and parenting quite challenging for many who are guiding them. But you and I are not without hope and resources! Technology even brings us many tools and resources for educating ourselves to lead young people toward healthy maturity. Parents can understand the gaps technology overuse can cause in brain and character development and guide their teens toward activities and opportunities to help fill those gaps. Are you ready to jump into discovering your unique role in closing this gap? Let's dig into understanding the power of less and more.

I
f you have a nagging feeling that technology is negatively influencing your children in one or more ways, you're not alone. In her
New York Times
article “The Documented Life,” Sherry Turkle says it well: “Technology doesn't just do things for us. It does things to us, changing not just what we do but who we are.”
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Perhaps your experiences are similar to blogger Janae Jacobson's. Here's what she writes in a post titled “The iPad Is Stealing My Son's Childhood”:

Janae's experience illustrates that not every child is sucked into technology but that some children are particularly drawn to it. Janae and her husband began connecting the dots between technology and behavior as they observed changes in one son's actions and personality.

Have you observed your children's behavior changing after they've been playing video games? Are they less patient and more critical and demanding after they've been at the screen for a while? Do they become withdrawn and resistant to engage in conversation with family members because the phone is always in their hands? In their book
Growing Up Social
, Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane recommend an easy ABC system to evaluate how technology may be a factor in your child's behavior:

As you evaluate the effect of screens on your teens, take some specific first steps as a parent. Contrary to what you might think,
parent power can be stronger than screen power. Our children are worth the effort it may take to protect them or win them back from the power of screens. Let's explore some initial steps to take to connect with our kids in this wireless world!

Model Appropriate Technology Use

After hearing me speak about technology and teens, many parents admit they'll need to change how they use technology if they expect their children to make changes, too. One parent told me, “I've known I needed to do less Facebook and spend more time with my face in a book. This is the motivation I needed.”

Parents willing to make changes that benefit their children always encourage me. When our children see we're making adjustments, it's easier for them to change. Also, we increase our empathy for them as they implement our new expectations. Most often, we have to approach technology changes as a family issue rather than just something relevant to our teens.

Randi Zuckerberg, the sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, had this to say to parents: “Tech shouldn't replace normal kid activities, but it's not the enemy either. Children will look to their parents to see how it's done. It's important to take some time, whether it's a block on the weekend or an hour every night, to just really unplug and focus on the family.”
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More Face-to-Face Connecting Zones

To connect more often and more deeply, we can designate places to be technology free. If our children are old enough and mature enough, we can involve them in the decision for more immediate buy-in. Otherwise, “In any given moment, with a buzz or a ping, our devices summon us and we are likely to respond, allowing ourselves to be pulled away from our immediate surroundings and anyone in them, into the waiting world of elsewhere and others.”
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Our kids need to know that relationships are more than “friending on Facebook,” sending quick pics in Snapchat, sharing snippets with the world in Twitter, or whatever social media tool is their favorite to use. A marriage can't be built on texting. A broken heart can't be comforted on Snapchat. A conflict can't be resolved on Twitter. Real relationships require real relationship skills. Determining tech-free connecting zones is one way parents can make sure they are teaching their kids real relationship skills. Let's explore three places you might consider making tech-free zones.

1. Tech-free tables
. Eating, including in restaurants, can be designated as family tech-free times. One parent can leave a phone on and have it available, answering it
only
if it's essential. So often in restaurants too many people, including parents, are using handheld devices rather than talking. Even children aged five and younger are playing a game on an iPad or phone. We used to interact with kids to keep them occupied and content, now they take
care of themselves. In the past, sometimes older siblings took the initiative to interact and that helped bond sisters and brothers in healthy ways. In our family, my sister-in-law is famous for keeping decks of cards in her purse; her children have played many games of cards in many restaurants over the years.

Recently I saw a stack of six cellphones in the middle of a restaurant table. I introduced myself to the family and told the teens they were fortunate to have parents who wanted to talk with them. The teens agreed! Then one told me if someone reached for a phone before their dad paid the bill, that person had to pay for dinner. We laughed as they admitted that was a strong deterrent.

At home, we can eat as a family without watching television and listening to the radio. Either one can be a reason not to talk to each other. Phones can be off or on silent and placed out of reach. Sharing about our days and planning our tomorrows are much more important than Twitter alerts and Facebook selfies. Connecting through mutually beneficial conversations is essential if we want to influence our kids—and of course, we do.

Find a way to explain your “family times” as blogger Renee Robinson did. She wrote a meaningful letter to her sons explaining her motivation. Her words may inspire you to communicate something similar to your kids as you set tech-free zones.

After hearing me speak, one mom who made the dinner table a tech-free zone reported that her children now stayed longer at the table and willingly talked with their siblings, her, and her husband. Sometimes their children left their phones on the counter for the rest of the evenings. About one daughter, she reported, “I have heard ‘I love you' more in the last two weeks than in a year. She's kind again, sweet, loving, and hanging out with us! Freedom!!”

2. Car conversations and contemplations
. The car is another significant place to take back quality time from the mesmerizing power of screens and pods. Talking with each other, simply looking out the window, and daydreaming all serve children well. Sometimes, even though you could run errands more efficiently without your children with you, take them along for the purpose of some focused conversation time.

Rather than popping in a DVD into the player in the car, put
on music and sing together or listen to a book on CD and talk about it. When you get in the car, put all of your phones on silent and place them in the glove compartment so you can have conversations without interruptions. You'll be modeling distraction-free driving at the same time. If you get in the car and put your phone on silent and tucked away, your teens will more likely do the same when they start driving.

Kids need quiet and downtime to process and think.
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Especially if you pick them up from school, this mental rest time will be profitable. Because you've been busy all day, you may be tempted to use car time to talk on the phone with a friend or family member. Don't. Prioritize your children instead. They may not ask you to, but they need you to. Use this captured time to talk or encourage them to quiet their minds for a few minutes.

3. Screen-free bedrooms
. What's your current policy about your children's bedrooms? Being screen free means they'll better connect with their own thoughts, siblings, and with you when you stop by. Being screen free, especially as bedtime approaches, is especially wise. All people sleep better if they're not looking at screens or playing stimulating games in the hour before their bedtime. Requiring teens to recharge their phones at night in the kitchen is a great habit to start when they first get their phones.

Some parents decide never to permit electronics in their
children's rooms. This means our teens have to use their tools and toys in public parts of our homes. This keeps us more aware of what they're doing on the devices and how much they're using them. Perhaps, if an eReader or iPad is needed to complete homework and your son says he can concentrate better in his room, that's appropriate. Maybe your daughter does well listening to music so you allow her to do that in her room, monitoring occasionally to make sure she's not surfing the Web or playing games.

One family I know keeps a family computer in the kitchen, and they turned their former toy room into a video game room located just off the kitchen. This keeps their major screens out in the open for easy accountability. If the kids borrow Mom's or Dad's laptop they need to use it in family areas of the house. When the kids graduate from high school they get their own laptop and the freedom to use it in their bedrooms. However, all tech products this family owns have Internet filters—even Mom's and Dad's computers. These parents know that it's too easy for parents and kids to end up in the wrong place when using technology. Keeping screens out of bedrooms offers some natural accountability for that and it keeps family members from being isolated from one another.
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Depending on what you currently allow, it may be respectful
to gradually transition some parts of your home to a screen-free environment. Don't expect your kids to be singing your praises if you choose to create screen-free zones. They may balk. They may complain. They may declare they're bored or they have to talk to their friends NOW. They may be angry at first. This is when parenting takes courage. Stand firm and give your kids what they need, not what they want. They will appreciate it someday, but perhaps not until they have kids of their own!

4. No-screen vacations
. Vacations are designed to step away from the everyday. However, families with teens often find that teens bring their everyday tech toys with them on vacation. This obstructs family interaction and creates battles during a time that's supposed to be less stressful.

One family had so many battles during a trip to Hawaii, the parents said, “Never again!” They warned their kids, there and then, that all future family vacations would be tech-free. Their teen daughters “argued and attempted negotiations.” Vacations for this family have been mostly tech-free ever since. While vacationing, the family uses their phones mostly for GPS, emergencies, and making reservations. The adults sometimes have to check emails periodically because of work-related issues. But the parents stay on their honor not to text, call friends, visit Facebook, or read personal emails while on vacation. At first, the teens dragged their heels but eventually, “they were forced to find other ways to entertain themselves.” This family discovered, by removing screens from their vacation time, that one of their daughters,
especially, was addicted, “like a drug addict anticipating that next fix.” That's been an ongoing struggle for them and their daughter, as there are no quick remedies for long-term addiction. The benefits to the family were generally wonderful. The parents report, “We talked and laughed a lot more. Our kids interacted with us and each other.”