About two weeks after recommending parents involve children in choosing one weekend day and one weekday to be screen-free, a ten-year-old boy walked up to me and directly asked, “Are you the lady?” I asked him to elaborate. He asked, “Are you the lady who told my parents we should turn everything off?” Not sure how he'd respond, I think I stepped back a bit before answering, “Yes, I'm Dr. Kathy.”
Then I noticed his parents standing against the wall behind him. While confidently maintaining eye contact with me, he responded, “Thank you. I got my daddy back.” I audibly gasped. It wasn't at all what I expected to hear. Tears came to my eyes as they met his mom's. She was crying, too.
Though only three digital-free connecting days had passed since the seminar his parents had attended, he and his dad had already been to the park. “I can already throw better!” the boy told me. “And he's teaching me how to play chess. He says I'm smart enough. I think I'll like it. And guess what else? My mom let me help her make cookies because she said we could turn the
oven on but just not the plug-in stuff I play with. They were good cookies!”
I'll never forget the dad's heartfelt thanks:
Your challenging idea showed me that my son hadn't left us as much as I had left him. I now put my phone on my dresser when I get home from work. I do this every night, not just Wednesdays. Anybody who really needs us has my wife's number.⦠I used to come home from work and check a website to see what sporting events were on that I'd want to watch. Then I'd check our bank balance and maybe check tomorrow's weather and some news headlines. I realize now that what I intended to take a few minutes was using up valuable time when my children were awake. Now I interact with them before dinner and check the Internet when the kids are in bed.
This isn't an isolated success story. Another parent sent me this note:
We have faithfully kept up with the two media-free days a week.⦠Recently my kids have given a little pushback on the idea. Today at lunch we had a little “meeting” to see what their thoughts were about all of the BOREDOM on media-free days and even on the media days once media was over.⦠we wanted to let them in on the decision making⦠between the
three of them, they decided to actually INCREASE to 3 media-free days a week and then the oldest typed up a list of 28 ideas that they brainstormed of what they could do during media free-time. Can't thank you enough for your gentle push in this direction!!
And here's one of my favorite testimonies. Check out all the exclamation marks: “Media-free Sunday!!! They loved it and want to continue!!! Every Sunday media-free!! And we're talking about 3 teenagers!! Thank you, Dr. Kathy!!!”
You will choose to do what works well for you and your family. Identify your frustration points or the screens that seem to get out of hand for your family, and start there. For instance, Janae Jacobson and her husband decided to reserve the iPad and Wii for the weekends only. Their sons are allowed to watch television during the week, but only one minute of television time for every one minute they read. Making these changes in screen time eliminated the majority of negative behaviors after just a few months.
9
I can remember, long ago, dropping off rolls of film at the store, waiting a week for the pictures to be developed, and then paying for the photosâwhether they were good or not. We've come a long way with today's digital cameras and the camera function on our phones and other devices. Most of us carry a camera wherever we go!
Pictures are a beautiful way to stay connected, especially when we don't live close to those we love. I enjoy posting personal and ministry pictures on social media and sharing them with friends and family. I'm glad when they share pictures with me. Pictures often communicate more vibrantly than words. But just because it's easy to take good pictures and post them on social media doesn't mean we always should. Just as with all technology, moderation is appropriate. Let's explore four questions that can guide you to model balance for your kids in social media photo sharing:
Am I Fully Present with My Children?
Often our camera and the photos we want can seem to be a higher priority than our children. To them, it can appear like they're acting in a play and we're the audience. If we want to connect with them, we can't afford to be observers looking for the perfect photo-op. By not really being present with them in the moment, we miss out on joy and opportunities to personally love and influence them.
Leaving our cameras at home sometimes is a good idea, especially when we know we'll be tempted to turn our kids into the subject of too many photos. When we do have it with us, we can make an effort to take more spontaneous photos our kids don't
pose for. We can also let them take photos of us and make sure we ask others to take pictures of all of us together.
But rather than looking through your camera screen at your son or daughter, try leaving the phone in your pocket or purse so that you can make eye contact, watch for nuances of facial expression, and soak in the atmosphere of an event. Remind yourself that it's great just to be together.
Should I Share This Moment?
Just because we photograph something doesn't mean we should share it on social media. Some things should remain private and intimate. Children can question whether what we say we just enjoyed was about them or about us sharing them.
A young boy at the playground got all the way across the monkey bars and turned to his mom. He didn't ask, “Did you like it, Mommy?” Rather, he asked, “Did you get a good picture? Was it good enough for Facebook or should I do it again?” What do you want your son to think is important? Him, or a picture or video of him?
My friend Kenny returned from vacation and explained on Facebook that he hadn't taken many pictures of his wife and daughter: “I wanted to soak it all in and not be consumed with capturing every detail. There is a sacredness of just holding some memories to myself.”
If you tend to overshare your pictures on social media, sometimes a “media fast” can reestablish your sharing boundaries,
bringing them back into moderation. A media fast might be a specific period of time that you'll refrain from sharing pictures on social media.
Is This Picture Good Enough?
Digital photography allows us to easily take numerous photos, trying to get better shots each time. When we don't, we can correct them. We can change lighting, crop out what we don't want, eliminate red-eye, and much more. In her book
No More Perfect Moms
, Jill Savage suggests that this attempt to make things more perfect might be buying into “the perfection infection.” Sometimes, in an effort to break the “perfection infection” we should decide the pictures we take are good enough without editing.
We can pay extra to improve children's school pictures. When parents choose to have their children's braces and acne removed, how do the children feel? Unaccepted? Ugly? Rejected? Defective? Could this contribute to feeling pressure to be perfect? To look perfect? Is all this posting on social media causing competition and judgmental comparisons?
After one four-year-old posed for about her eighth picture on the first day of preschool, following her mom's directions to smile more, move out of a tree's shadow, turn more to the right, and the like, she burst into tears. While running away from her mom, she loudly proclaimed, “I thought I was prettier than this!!” Her mom was devastated. Of course she never meant to communicate critique to her daughter; she meant to celebrate that she was
growing up. But her daughter took away the message she never intended to send. Being aware of the possibility of sending mixed messages helps us adjust our expectations when it comes to taking snapshots of our kids.
Sometimes it seems we've discarded God's way of seeing us, as if His perspective were irrelevant. First Samuel 16:7 shows us God's priorities: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
Am I Contributing to the Narcissism I Complain About?
Narcissism
gets its name from Narkissos, a handsome youth in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection in water after being rejected by a nymph. He pined away, loving only himself. That's the core of narcissism: self-love and being satisfied by contemplating one's self or one's appearance. Extreme narcissists will usually be isolated and lonely. It's hard for others to be their friends.
It's normal for teens to be somewhat self-centered. It's part of their journey to independence. But it's good to evaluate whether your teen is more interested in his or her own appearance, importance, and abilities than you think is healthy and normal. The narcissistic tendencies of this younger generation are definitely on
the list of complaints I hear about when I talk with people about today's youth.
But how did today's young people get so focused on themselves? How much of the blame for that belongs to our generation? Could it be that we are unwittingly contributing to the “all-about-me” attitudes so prevalent in this generation? Are you posting a lot of photos from their concerts, sporting events, and parties? Do your social media platforms appear to be more about them than about you? Sometimes our good intentions have unexpected consequences. One friend posted on Facebook about a dance her daughter was going to attend. She commented about the great deal they got on her dress and shoes. How did she end her post? Not with, “I hope she has a great time.” No, it ended with, “I can't wait to post pictures!” I'm not sure it crossed her mind what message that might be sending!
Narcissism can result in the regular posting of selfies. Would it surprise you to know that from 2012â2013, the frequency of the use of the word
selfie
increased 17,000 percent? In 2013 Oxford Dictionaries dubbed it the Word of the Year?
10
Teens who are loved well and affirmed honestly at home will be less likely to become preoccupied with selfies.
11
Cultivate Quiet
Quiet time promotes better processing and thinking. Periods of quiet also help rejuvenate us when we're overwhelmed and
stressed. There's a good reason why God told us to “be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). We need quiet in our lives to balance out all the activity.
Many families find ways to build some quiet time into their days. When there are still children in the house young enough for naptime, it's possible to declare quiet hours during the little ones' naptime. Other family members have to go to their rooms or find another quiet corner and play by themselves. To help the youngest ones rest, everyone in the home chooses something quiet to engage in.
With teens, this gets more complicated, but quiet times for them are also valuable. During quiet times, teens discover the value of their innermost thoughts. Quiet helps teens become more comfortable with themselves. They'll know themselves better and discover they don't need to be constantly entertained and distracted. Of course, sitting in front of a screen seems “quiet” because sound is easily muted, or headphones keep the sound personal to a teen. But adding “screen-free” to “quiet” times provides a rest from the constant barrage of images and ideas, allowing a young person's mind to rest.
As your teen gets used to quiet times, he or she might need ideas for things to do with that time. This is a great time for personal Bible reading and prayer. Young people can read without
the usual backdrop of music. They could try their hand at an old-fashioned thank-you note instead of a text or email. Many teens enjoy journaling or sketching. They might do some stretching exercises. These times of quiet encourage activities that develop parts of the brain not being put to use by their digital pastimes. It's great to provide time and space for teens to slow down, contemplate, and get in tune with themselves and the way God made them.
Read Together
Reading to our children, either one-parent-to-one-teen or together as a family, should never be abandoned just because they hit their teen years! But it gets harder as teens' personal schedules get busier and their homework load gets heavier. Reading together is a powerful connector as you share the enjoyment of the story and build the memory together. Reading to our kids creates an intermission in the middle of life's busyness. It quiets all of us down. Rich emotional bonding can take place during these read-aloud times. Not only that, but reading to teenagers continues to build their listening vocabulary, which improves their reading and learning abilities, one of the best predictors of school success.
12
Your teens can remember the closeness they felt when you snuggled up on a couch or in bed with a book when they were young. Whether they'll admit it or not, that bonding with you was meaningful. When you read a book, you dive into a new world of events and characters. When you read it
together
, you're sharing those events and relationships! Your teen has a whole
world of experiences and relationships apart from you, but your shared reading life is yours
together
. Families develop inside jokes and favorite one-liners from the books they've read together. They have great memories of times when they had to stop the reading because the whole family was laughing so hardâor when they shared the blissful torture of suspense when the reading had to pause at a strategic moment in the storyline. Your teens don't take you along to school or youth group or to hang out with their friendsâand that's just how it should be. But diving into reading together provides you with shared adventures and characters. Especially if you have trouble finding enough common ground to have good conversations with your teens, being able to talk about the story you're reading together is a great way to ease into more relaxed communication with them.
