Screens and Teens (9 page)

What's the truth we want our kids to believe instead of this lie that they are the center of their own universe? It goes back to the spoke-and-wheel analogy: God is the center of the wheel, and we are the spokes. The truth is:
God is the center of the universe. I'm important, but no more important than anyone else. Relating in healthy ways online and offline will help me believe this
.

We can help dislodge the lie in our teens' hearts and replace it with truth. That truth will move the focus off of them and onto God. It will root out self-centeredness and replace it with a servant heart that cares for others. This truth will serve them well not only as teens but throughout their lifetime as contributing citizens of this world.

I
t's very likely that no child has ever looked you in the eye and proclaimed, “I deserve to be happy all the time!” They haven't texted you those exact words either. No, they don't say these words. They may not realize they even believe this lie, yet their behavior indicates it's influencing them.

I'm not against happiness. If I'm forced to choose between happiness or misery, I'd choose happiness every time. So would you, and so would the teens we love. But we can't always make happiness happen. It's not a guarantee or something we deserve. Teens who assume constant happiness is possible have unrealistic expectations of this world and will often find themselves frustrated.

Happy everything. Every time. Everywhere. Everyone. This pop-culture mantra is prevalent and controlling. But here's the reality: We can't be happy all the time. We can, however, experience
an internal joy that is not dependent on our circumstances. This is the truth that refutes the happiness lie. This is where we want to lead our teens.

Perhaps the first thing to do is to humbly ask ourselves if and how we've contributed to our teens' expectation of personal happiness. For example, do we give in at times rather than standing our ground because we, too, want to be happy all the time? Are we avoiding their disappointment, anger, conflict, and the ensuing argument even though we know saying no would be better for them? Of course parents are delighted when their children are truly happy. Yet when it is more important to correct or answer no, can we not handle a few minutes of personal discomfort for a greater cause?

Whether we were parented well or not can make a difference. If we saw our parents “be the parent” and not cave in to our whining, arguing, or begging, we may have a firmer backbone when it comes to standing firm against the demands of children. Sometimes age can make a difference, too. Young parents who also use lots of technology (and may have bought into this lie themselves) may struggle the most with wanting to keep their kids happy. Our own busyness can make a difference. When we're tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, we might be tempted to let our teens play another game or text with a friend during dinner. We may buy them another movie. We want to keep them happy and out of our way because we too are pursuing our own happiness.

However, being a parent means it's not about us; it's about
them. It's not just about happiness that happens today; it's about training and learning that lasts a lifetime. It's not about simply being satisfied today; it's about being content today and tomorrow. It's not about temporary peace; it's about permanent joy. We need to parent them well so they'll know these differences. We need to be willing to make tough decisions and experience children's temporary wrath when necessary. It's not about our children being happy all the time. It's about us doing our job as parents.

Teens need parents—and you are their parent, more than and before you are their friend. As you evaluate your role in this lie, don't be afraid to admit where you've believed the lie of happiness yourself and even contributed to their belief of the lie. Teens can respect a “parenting do-over” if you respect them enough to share what you're learning. If you decide changes in the way you relate to your teen are in order, talk with your teen so he or she is not blindsided. Otherwise it might appear that you've become mean all of a sudden, resulting in even more resistance from your teen. You want teens to understand that you will be reestablishing your leadership position in their lives. They haven't become “bad” overnight, but you've determined to do what's right and best for the long term. In time they will get on board, and in the long run they'll respect you for taking your parenting role seriously.

Let's look more deeply at this lie that happiness is deserved. Let's explore the reasons teens believe the lie, what fuels their beliefs and behaviors, and what we can do to replace this lie with a truth that will serve them well.

We Live in a Culture of Now

We are experiencing the culture of now. Our teens think they can have what they want when they want it. Now. They have good reason because nowadays everything seems always to be available. Google. Siri. GPS. iTunes. Redbox. Netflix. Movies on Demand. DVR. Digital pictures. Facebook. Apps.

I remember when online shopping wasn't available and shopping took time and effort. I remember the days before online streaming when videos had to be rented from a store; that meant I had to drive there, park, go in, search, choose something, wait in line, pay for it, drive home, watch it, and return it soon after. I can remember looking up numbers and addresses in actual, paper phone books—and unfolding paper maps to figure out how to get from here to there. The business of living took a lot of horsing around; it definitely wasn't the culture of now.

When today's teens don't get what they want the way they want it right now, many complain and argue. They may accuse us of not caring for them. Subconsciously they may think our job is to keep them happy. Each of us, on the way to adulthood, developed some narcissistic tendencies. It's considered a normal part of development.
However, this generation has taken it to the extreme and the self-focus is lasting much longer.

The culture of now is a cause of self-centeredness. Smart phones have definitely contributed to this. Teens hate turning theirs off or to “silent” for even a short time. Many have FOMO—the fear of missing out. They want to know what's going on as it's happening. Now.

Let's be honest: Some parents have FOMO, too. We have grown accustomed to knowing what's going on in our friends' lives through Facebook. We are used to real-time news and knowing what's going on in the world. We're afraid if we don't log in we'll miss out on something we need to know.

So what can we do to battle this culture of now—in our lives and in the lives of our teens? We can take some steps in the right direction. There's hope for us and the next generation to learn that happiness is circumstantial but joy is eternal.

1. We can implement screen-free days and occasions
. To combat self-centeredness that sometimes displays as a fear of missing out, we can institute days and places free from digital distractions. This forces us and our kids to truly interact. Our teens need to discover they can live without knowing constantly what's going on with their friends. When the world doesn't end and relationships don't fail when they've been disconnected for a few hours, they realize they may have more freedom than they thought. No one's happiness should be determined by how often they comment on posts or how quickly people text them back.

2. We can mentally note and carefully call attention to what happens during tech-free times
. During planned tech-free times, make mental notes of how long it takes your children to calm down, focus, and engage with the family. See if you can find times when they are obviously enjoying themselves and forgetting their phones. Tactfully, without inordinate attention, encourage them to discover they're happy without being tied to some screen or smart phone.

3. We can present them with opportunities to help and serve others
. Nothing gets the focus off self better than directing focus on others! Getting out among people, especially with the goal of meeting others' needs, will wake teens up to activities and events and people they may be missing. They will be reminded of the human side of this world and the needs around them. Whether it's helping an elderly neighbor with yard work or serving a meal at the homeless shelter, our teens need to get a new perspective of what's happening “now.”

We Live in a Culture of Impatience

The culture of impatience is very real. The “now culture” addressed above can cause impatience. So can speed. So much is quick today—texting, social media updates, email, research through search engines, apps, one-click-of-the-mouse writing and editing, developing pictures, and scoring on games. High-speed is our new norm and what we're used to. Our teens have
never experienced life without high-speed response; it has always been their normal.

Their brains are so used to information coming at them quickly that they're easily distracted when there's a speed or information deficit. When we talk too slowly, the video loads too slowly, the action in a movie moves too slowly, or even Grandma moves too slowly down the hall, teens can find focus challenging. This can cause young people to appear to have ADHD, even when they don't.

When specifically addressing how impatience affects learning and school, my mentor about this generation, author Scott Degraffenreid, put it this way in his book
Understanding the Millennial Mind
: “They're actually just thinking a lot faster. It is not attention deficit, so much as information deficit. They have already thought about what you have shown them and moved on and are waiting for you to show them something else.”
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Scott refers to teens as “learning machines that operate at fire hose volume and wither and disengage when offered the eyedropper quantities of information available in a traditional classroom.”
²
I'm humbled when I realize the amount of information young people are able to process and think about.

Is waiting a dying art? Is self-control even a recognizable virtue? What attitudes show up when you and your kids must wait at a doctor's office, for something to arrive in the mail, or for a class to begin? When something is slow, how long does it take before we complain? Are long lines at drive-through restaurants frustrating
because of all the complaints you have to listen to from the back seat? When teens are stopped at a red light, can they just sit and wait for the light to change to green, or do they always grab their phones? Do teens yell at their computers when they're slow? Do they complain when having to wait for dinner? Do we?

After a convention, one mom told me about a conversation she overheard when she was out for ice cream with her family. Some young teen girls were talking when one of them said, “It bothers me to brush my teeth. I'm serious! It bothers me. I mean, it takes an ENTIRE two minutes. I wish someone would just invent a swish that cleaned and flossed and just did everything.” This mom said she sat there, stunned, thinking, “Did she really just say that?”

So we're an increasingly impatient culture! Knowing that, we can take steps—though they may feel counterintuitive at first—to improve our waiting skills and move our teens toward patience.

1. We can pay attention to how we handle waiting
. Notice how long it takes before you become impatient. What do you (and your teens) observe in you when you are? Resist the urge to complain. Instead make simple, calm statements like, “Waiting is a part of life,” or “We're so used to instant everything. There are still things in the world that take time and require us to wait—and that's okay.”

2. We can talk about patience and self-control as fruits of the Spirit
. When talking with church youth groups about this
topic, I tell them, “God will not rewrite the Bible for your generation. Patience will always and forever be a fruit of the Spirit.”
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Sometimes I challenge those who know Christ: “Are you following Christ, or aren't you? Do you claim God is your everything and that ‘I can do all things through him who strengthens me'?
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Does ‘all things' include everything except being patient?” You'd think teens would find my words too in-your-face, but they always receive it well. Today's teens are ready to be challenged to be who they can be.

3. We can talk with our kids about “patience.”
We can look for examples in our everyday lives of patient people and how they made a difference. We can talk about inventors, musicians, explorers, Bible heroes, and others who were patient and how it mattered. (Walt Disney, for example, was fired by a newspaper editor because he had no good ideas! He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland.
⁵
That's some patience!) We might undertake a word study of “patience,” searching for it throughout Scripture. Look for teachable moments to talk about times we didn't wait and how we wish we would have. We can also talk about how to wait and why.