Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (9 page)

A zipper.  That
simple sound is my undoing.  It means more than what it’s supposed to.  It
means finality.  I bend down and pull my dress up past my hips; my body aches
as I feel the remnants of our time together between my thighs.  I place the
straps back on my shoulders where they belong and search for my missing
underwear.  My search ends when I remember they are securely hidden inside his
front pocket. 

“Elyssa, look at
me.  What’s going on?”  He has every right to be confused.  The problem is I’m
weak; constantly giving into my emotions.  It’s careless really, giving into my
carnal need for him and ignoring the responsibility of keeping his heart safe. 
Inevitably I decided to torture him slowly.  And in turn, torture myself.

There is
absolutely no way I can look at him.  Instead, my eyes focus on my hands. 
“Nothing has changed, Alex.  I knew this was a bad idea and yet...”

“A bad idea? 
Did you just refer to
us
as an idea?”  He gestures between us with his
middle and forefinger.  “No fuck that!  Get this through your fucking head
right now.  This is the first real thing I’ve ever had in my life.  This isn’t
a game for me.  You have me.  You have all of me.  I can’t take this teeter tottering
bullshit anymore.  One moment you are flying thousands of miles to be with me
and then the next you’re running away in the middle of the night.  One moment
we are making love on my desk and the next minute you’re fucking crying. 
You’re tearing me apart.”

Because I’m a
sorry excuse for a person, I can only whisper, “I’m sorry, Alex.”  I grab my
purse and sweater and head for the door, but not before my way is blocked.

“No.  You are
not running away again.  I’m not sleeping.  Don’t be a fucking coward!”

“What?!  What do
you want me to say, Alex?”  Out of sheer desperation, I raise my voice as I
push against his chest.  “You think I want someone who keeps me as their
fucking secret?  Has a past that creeps up at random moments?  Someone who has
anger issues that scare the living shit out of me?  I never know where we stand
or where I am with you,” I lie and immediately hate myself for throwing his
past in his face.

“You’re not my
secret, Elyssa.  Anyone can see how I feel about you with one look.  I haven’t
openly admitted that we’re dating to anyone other than Janice and Arianna, but
I have no problem letting anyone know that you are mine,” he growls.  "So,
as far as where you stand…where you stand is here.”  Alex reaches over taking
my hand and places it over his heart.  “This is
where
you are for me. 
This is
what
you are to me.”

I retract slowly
from his touch.  I’m literally putty in his hands when he’s near.  “When you
left, a part of me died.  I’m not going through that again.”

I try to push
past him, but once again Alex moves in my way.  “I called you every day.  I
texted you at least three times a day for the first week.  You never called me
once or responded.  What the fuck happened while I was gone?”

Before I get a
chance to respond, my ever present phone has a way of knowing when the most
horrible time is to chime.  Glancing at the screen, a picture of me and Oliver
from the other night at the movies pops up. 
Shit.  Shit.  Shit.
 
Why
did I allow him to play with my phon
e?!  Regardless of who was texting me I
should
have resisted looking down. 

Fuck. Me. 
This isn’t going
to be good. 

Quickly, but
without success, I try to shadow the scowl on my face.  One minute my phone is
safely nestled in my hand; the next Alex snatches it away from me.

*Dinner?*

I can physically
feel the searing anger spread over his body, knuckles turning white as he grips
my phone.  His eyes shift their attention from the screen to my face and back
to the screen.  His glare is frightening.  If it wasn’t for the fact we just
made love, yes love, I would think he hated me. 

Holding up my
phone, Alex turns my screen to face me.  “What the fuck is this?”

I steal the
phone back and shove it into my pocket.  “It’s nothing.  He’s asking if I want
to have dinner.”

“Wrong answer. 
There are so many fucked up things about this situation.  I can’t even begin to
fucking think straight.  There’s a fucking picture of the two of you on your
phone and now,” he huffs, “Now, you guys are making dinner plans?”

“Alex, it’s not
what you think.” 
Lame answer, I know.

“It’s not what I
think?!”  Mocking me, he throws his hands in the air as a nervous laugh breaks
through his hardened face.  “I’d love to hear how this is not what I think it
is.  He has his dirty hands all over you. 
Mother fucker!
  I’m going
to…”

“Alex…”  I shake
my head, bracing myself for whatever may come.  “He didn’t have his hands all
over me.  He had his arm around my shoulders for the picture.”

“So, what…are
you with him now?” he asks, biting the anger from his voice.  It’s a mix
between sorrow, disappointment, and resentment. 

“We’re not
together.  We’re friends.”

“Friends?  That
mother fucker comes around sniffing moments before I leave and the second I’m
gone it’s as if
we
never happened. 
You
made sure of that.  So
what…someone else was giving it to you, so I don’t matter anymore?”

I’ll never fully
understand why Alex places all of his self worth on his ability to pleasure
women.  There are so many other qualities that make him a good man.  Not to add
the fact that sleeping with someone else would never wipe away any memory of
him.

SLAP
 

The moment my
hand streaks across his face I feel guilt wash over me.  I stand anxiously
awaiting his reaction.  Nothing.  He says nothing.  He does nothing.  His stare
washes over me, almost as if I’m not here.

I honestly don’t
know what just happened.  I’ve only ever slapped one other person before.  The
shame of hitting my best friend Cole was overwhelming; I never thought I’d do
it again.  Yet here I am.  But, instead of being a big girl and staying to
apologize, I freak the fuck out and rush past him like a lightning bolt through
his door. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I’ve worked hard
enough in the past few weeks to know that if I leave early from work, even
after the ruthless meeting with Alex, I won’t get in trouble.  What meeting,
you ask?  The Sales Executives were called for an impromptu ass chewing for the
faltering sales revenue.  I’m still sore from the verbal spanking we got.  Like
we can
make
people buy insurance.  I know it’s our job, but doesn’t he
know we can only do so much.  Alex made it sound that if he never went to New
York then the numbers wouldn’t be where they are.  As if his sheer presence
would solve world hunger.

I figured after
slapping Alex last night over a mixture of too many emotions, Alex’s rant
during our meeting just solidified my decision.  There is too much drama in my
life and I need another
me
day.  So today, I will be making the best of
it and playing hooky.  Now, I just have to make sure Nana’s alone. 

Luckily, when I
arrive at the hospital Nana is wide awake sitting up in her bed watching
television.  Unfortunately, my eyes tear up when I take in her full
appearance.  In her large hospital bed she looks smaller than usual.  One
fragile wrist is wrapped in the paper bracelet that bears her identification;
the IV tube in her other wrist appears to weigh down her already tiny arms. 
She sighs in frustration as she tries to scoop red Jell-O with a shaky hand. 

Not knowing what
kind of reaction I’m going to receive, I approach slowly hoping that today is a
good day.  At least for now. 

“Nana?”  Her
eyes light up as I approach.

“Elyssa dear,”
her voice is sweet, but weak, “I’m so happy to see you.”  Walking farther into
the room, I see how beautifully decorated it is.  Her space is so peaceful and
relaxing with white lilies, pink orchids, and every color of roses imaginable. 
Exactly what she needs.  What anyone would need while they’re recovering.  It
intrigues me, because I wasn’t aware she knew this many people and makes me
wonder who they’re all from.  Being the wonderful grandson that he is, I
wouldn’t doubt if Alex created this space for her.

“How precious? 
You know how much I love Elvis,” she whispers as she picks up the teddy bear I
placed on her nightstand, dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit.  I saw it in the gift
shop downstairs and immediately knew I needed to get it for her.  I know how
much she loves Elvis, and if it makes her even slightly happy, I had to try.

“It sings?”  I
smile and nod at her, unable to form any coherent sounds, while I lean over and
press his foot. 
Can’t Help Falling In Love
comes from the bear’s
animated lips, swaying in Nana’s feeble hands.  She continues to watch the bear
dance before clutching the fluffy toy to her chest.  Her eyes glisten and
before a tear can escape Nana blots the moisture away.  “Thank you, my dear.” 

I go to sit next
to her and feel ecstatic she’s
here
today.  The last few times I’ve been
with her, she hasn’t been so lucid.  So this, this is nice.  “There are so many
flowers, Nana.”  I smile at the warm colors blooming around the room, along
with her somber smile.

“Yes.  Please do
tell your sister and Bryan thank you.”  She nods towards a modest arrangement
with a get well balloon attached.  I wouldn’t expect any less coming from my
sister and her thoughtful nature.  I haven’t even had a chance to tell Rachel
about Nana which means Bryan’s been talking to Alex.  Again.

“I will.  We’re
all worried about you.”

“Yes…” Her gaze
focuses on the flowers at the foot of her bed.  “Including my precious
Alexander.”  I nod, knowing full well he’s on high alert when it comes to all
things medical and Nana.  It was inevitable we would start talking about Alex,
but I’m a bit selfish and thought by keeping our conversation light, we could
avoid all things Alex.  That or she wouldn’t sense my attempt to evade the
elephant in the room.  But, I guess not. 

“He loves you,
you know?” she continues, her cheeks gaining a shade of color at the discussion
of love.  It makes me hope she’s thinking of her own loves from her past.  She
told me a little bit about her late husband, but only enough to know that she
loved him.  Immensely.  And the thought of her only grandson not having that in
return made her terribly sad.

I nod again as
my throat tightens.  “I’m sorry, Nana.”  Nervously I toy with a piece of thread
on my pants; I look down as I continue to speak.  “I know I promised you that
I’d keep him safe and I’m trying, but….everything got so complicated.”  She
sees my disappointment and gestures for me to come closer.  I stand and go sit
next to her on the bed.

“Sometimes you
have to experience pain in order to appreciate the joys in life.  I’m not sure
what’s going on between the two of you, and I know it’s none of my business. 
But Lord knows how long you have in this world, child.  Alex didn’t want to
talk about it while he was away and he hasn’t answered any of my questions
since he’s been back.  But, I know he needs someone to talk to and from the
looks of it, so do you.”

“Maybe at a
different time or place things could have turned out differently.  Sometimes
when all of the odds are against you, your only choice is to walk away.”

“The key word is
choice.  If there’s a choice, then there’s more than one solution.  Walk away
or fight for what you want.  I know he’s stubborn and has a hard time
expressing himself, but he’s also loyal and protective and has the biggest
heart.  Try and let him in.”

“He already is,
Nana.  Right now…right now, is just not the right time for us.”

“He can’t be
alone.  Please, Elyssa…”  I shake my head while she rests against her pillows. 
A nurse enters, looking at the machines next to her bed before administering
medication through her IV line.  I watch as her eyes flutter shut and the nurse
leaves.  “He needs someone else besides me.  What happens when I’m gone?”  Her
whispering voice becomes silent as she succumbs to her medications. 

Stroking her
cheek, I rest my head against our clasped hands and allow my eyes to close.  “I
may not be able to be with him, but I promise, Nana…I promise you I will never
leave him alone.” 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I had the pleasure
of going to therapy when I was younger, after I lost my parents.  What I
learned from my many sessions with Mrs. Kregg is that I have to be honest with
myself, which means I have to clear the air with Alex.  Make my intentions
known, apologize for my wrong doings and offer him the only thing I can give
him right now; friendship.

Do you hear
yourself, Ely?  You’re really going to offer him friendship?!  That’s like
putting a dress on him, offering him a sleepover to braid each other’s hair,
and calling him Alexandra.  Why not just castrate him while you’re at it?
 

Too bad you
can’t punch your self-conscious in the face because that’s what I’d do right
now.  I’m nervous.  And when I’m nervous, I fidget and talk nonsense to
myself.  Mostly I just fidget though, with my ring, or with my hair.  And
that’s what I’m doing right now, twirling my ring while checking e-mails,
awaiting my fate.