The Cowboy Soldier (16 page)

Rafe turned her and pulled her against his chest. She was still holding the cage and it banged his hip, but he didn’t care. “Do you see any movement?” he asked her, feeling her lift her head. In the night gloom he couldn’t make out any shapes.

“I’m afraid it’s gotten too dark,” Alexa said unhappily.

“Why didn’t you wait and release him in the morning?”

“This is an owl’s prime time to hunt. They see best in the dark.”

“Unlike me,” Rafe quipped, hoping to break the tension.

“Rafe, I’m sorry. I know you live day and night in the dark.”

“It’s okay.” He raked a kiss across Alexa’s hair. “I never want you to hold back saying anything on my account. It’s bad to keep things bottled up. I know—I speak from experience.”

“You mean because you don’t talk about the war?”

“Partly. I meant…” He seemed to scrabble for words.

Alexa locked the barn then came back to stand beside him. “If you don’t trust me with your insecurities, that’s okay, Rafe. But you should talk to someone. I can truthfully say I felt better after I told you about my ordeal with Bobby and his parents.”

As they started toward the house, Rafe slipped an arm around Alexa’s waist. “I know that wasn’t easy, Alexa. When I think about losing my friends Joey and Mike, something inside me shuts down.”

“Believe me, I hear you. Bobby was my very best friend, remember.”

It was time for Rafe to unburden his conscience. “People say I’m a hero, Alexa, but I didn’t act like one with Mike and Joey.”

“I know that’s bogus,” she said. “I read the reports from your men. You did everything you could to save as many of them as possible.”

“I’m not sure about that, but I’ve been a coward since I’ve come back. Their folks practically adopted me. Mike’s mom asked to visit me when I got Stateside but I refused. I couldn’t face her, Alexa. Or Joey’s parents and his wife. Joey’s mom wrote me a letter. I had a nurse return it unopened. If that doesn’t make me lily-livered, what does?”

“It makes you human,” Alexa said, squeezing his hand and laying her head lightly on his shoulder. “But, one day, for your own sake, you do need to talk to them.”

“I’ve thought a zillion times about asking Sierra to take me down there. If nothing else, they probably need to know if the account the army gave them was true. Alexa, you said Bobby’s parents blamed you for his death. I’m not sure I could handle it if Joey and Mike’s families think I didn’t do enough. Maybe they’ll resent me for not dying.”

“Rafe, no parent would think that. Bobby’s folks never liked me. I’m sure your friends’ parents just need closure. So do you.” She paused at the kitchen door. “It’s a huge step, Rafe, but if you want, I’ll drive you to Terlingua anytime. Catch your back.”

“I should go,” he mumbled as she opened the door and Compadre charged out. “If I leave loose ends I’ll never move forward with my life. The neurologist made that point on my last VA visit.”

“This is one hurdle I’d be glad to help with, Rafe.”

He had to act fast before he had second thoughts. “Can we go tomorrow?”

“I’d be honored, Rafe. We can leave right after I feed the animals.”

“It’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” he admitted. “I’ll probably try to back out, Alexa. Don’t let me.”

“If you back out you’ll have to feed the goats.”

Rafe let a minute tick past. Compadre trotted back and they all went inside. “I thought maybe you hadn’t noticed. Nothing gets by you, I guess.”

“I know the smell of goats takes you back to a place you’d rather forget. That’s a head issue, Rafe. Visiting Mike and Joey’s families is an issue of the heart—a whole different matter. Although, come to think of it, I’m not great at dealing with either.”

Rafe wondered if she was still talking about Bobby. Sobered, he took Dog and went to get ready for bed. How would Alexa react if he told her the reason he had to face his friend’s families and rid his heart of pain was so he could make room to love her? One thing at a time. But, he’d have to get around to that soon.

She didn’t miss a thing, Rafe thought, ducking his chin to avoid Compadre’s wet tongue.

“Even the dog knows you’re upset today, Rafe. Hey, we’re at the address you gave me for Mike Herrera’s parents. There’s a car in the carport.” Alexa pulled her pickup into the driveway then turned to straighten Rafe’s collar. “I don’t mind going in with you,” she said quietly.

“I’d appreciate that,” Rafe said, trying to calm the quaking that seemed to be overtaking his big frame.

But his fears were unfounded. He knew Mike’s mother was a short round woman with dark eyes and dark hair, and when she opened the door, she grabbed him close, smothering him in hugs, her tears dampening his shirt. “The army told Big Mike and me you’d lost your sight, Rafe. We knew you must be having a tough time when you didn’t come to Mike or Joey’s funerals. I tried to visit you once, but they turned me away.”

Rafe’s throat tightened and he couldn’t speak, but Alexa took over for him. “We brought small flags to place on the men’s graves, Mrs. Herrera. I’m Alexa Robinson, by the way.”

“Oh…Alexa, I can’t thank you enough for bringing Rafe all this way.”

“It was Rafe’s idea, totally,” Alexa injected.

The woman held on to Rafe. “Your unit’s colonel gave us Mike’s medal. He told us what a terrible ambush you all got caught in. Last time Mike was home on leave, all he could talk about was how you three finally got to be together. Mike loved being a jeep gunner. He said he couldn’t ever come back to live in Terlingua. His dad and I felt he was saying goodbye one way or another. That’s why I tried to see you. I…wanted you to know that, Rafe.”

“Thanks, Mama Herrera.” Rafe enveloped the stout woman in a bear hug. “Nothing has hurt me more than losing Mike and Joey.” Tears spilled down his face. “God, I would have changed places with them in a heartbeat.”

“I know that. So do the Verdugos. Don’t know if anyone’s told you Joey’s wife had a baby girl after Joey died. The two of them live with Chuck and Marta. In a lot of ways that’s made it easier for them to bear Joey’s loss, but…”

Rafe could tell by her voice that she couldn’t continue. “Joey flashed around pictures of his wife,” he said. “He was crazy in love. I can’t believe he didn’t brag about being a dad.”

“Joey never knew, but I should let them tell you. Getting in touch was harder from Afghanistan than when you boys were in Iraq. When the army gave Maci Ann Joey’s personal effects, there were two unopened letters that she’d written to tell him the news. They both arrived at your base camp after you left to go on that last patrol.”

“How sad,” Alexa murmured, hurriedly taking Rafe’s hand. “Mrs. Herrera, we hate to make this such a quick visit, but we need to stop at the Verdugos and still have time to run by the cemetery, then get back to the Big Bend area before the weather turns bad.”

Rafe couldn’t believe Joey hadn’t known he was going to be a dad. He knew Alexa had picked up on his grief and had stepped in to bail him out yet again.

Mike’s mom hugged Rafe one last time. “You drive careful, hear? And if you get down this way again, plan to stay longer. Come back when Big Mike’s home. You boys spent so much time together, having you survive is like getting lucky with one of three sons.”

Rafe blinked hard all the way to the Verdugos. There the scene was pretty much a repeat of Mrs. Herrera’s effusive welcome. Only Maci Ann Verdugo, Joey’s wife, asked the hard questions. “Why were Joey and Mike killed by the first rocket blast if you were their leader?”

“They volunteered to ride point,” Rafe explained. “They did that a lot. It’s like asking why Joey rode bulls. He sought out danger. As their ranking officer, I brought up the rear in the last Humvee. The front of our patrol had rounded a bend. I…got there too late….” Every ounce of Rafe’s regrets hung heavily in the air.

Joey’s mother, holding her granddaughter, deftly led Rafe and Alexa out of the house. “Rafe, I hope you excuse Maci Ann. She doesn’t know you like we do. She also feels guilty for not reaching Joey as soon as she learned she was pregnant.”

“I understand, Marta. I swear if I could turn back the clock on that day, I would.”

“I know, Rafe. And heaven can see you’ve got trouble of your own. We feel blessed to have our sweet little Jolie. You can’t see her, Rafe, but she’s the spitting image of her daddy at the same age.”

A gust of wind skittered oak leaves across the sidewalk, the sound making Rafe uneasy. Once again Alexa seemed to pick up on his mood.

“Mrs. Verdugo,” she said. “Rafe and I are going to put out flags at the cemetery. Please make clear to Maci Ann that Mike and Joey were like Rafe’s brothers. He lost his best friends that day.”

Joey’s mother patted Rafe’s cheek. “Lordy, I know that. You take care of this one.” She leaned closer to Alexa. “Many a day I’ve thought the one left behind has it the hardest.”

At the cemetery, Rafe knelt at each grave. He wept, and Alexa wept watching him. As they headed home, the sky opened and rain poured down as if in sympathy. Both Alexa and Rafe said little, lost in their own thoughts.

“They’re nice people,” Rafe said as Alexa turned onto the winding road that led to her ranch. “Thank you for taking me,” he added. “It was a long-overdue trip. Cathartic.”

“You’re welcome. I’m proud of you, Rafe. Most people aren’t aware that sometimes living is tougher than dying. Mrs. Herrera and Mrs. Verdugo know that.”

“Not Joey’s wife.”

“She’s young. It’ll take her time to heal.”

“It must be tough being a young widow,” Rafe said sadly. “With a baby to raise alone.”

“Not alone. Her baby has doting grandparents. She’s luckier than many.”

Rafe ran a restless hand over Compadre’s curly coat and drifted back into silence.

They did their best to settle the animals by covering their cages and dashed back inside the house seconds ahead of the rain.

A flash of lightning lit an otherwise black kitchen and Alexa clicked the light switch a few times. “Darn, the power’s out.” She was breathing hard and so was Rafe. In a way, the storm was a fitting end to a tough day.

“Hey, the darkness puts us on equal footing,” Rafe said, teasing as he angled Alexa’s face up to his.

Alexa felt as if the lightning had followed them inside. Her stomach quivered, and her heart felt electrified as his thumbs stroked back and forth across her cheekbones.

“I can’t find words for what I feel, Alexa,” he said. “Uplifted. Humbled.”

“I understand.” She ran her hands up and over Rafe’s wide shoulders. That’s when it really dawned on her. “Rafe, I don’t want to be your doctor now.”

Rafe took her words as an invitation, the way Alexa hoped he would, and tugged her tighter against him. Their lips met and brushed several times, then as if equally desperate, they clung to each other, giving and seeking comfort. The thunder rolled noisily overhead. Lightning flashed. But inside the kitchen their focus narrowed to just the two of them and their mutual needs. Urgency grew and in unspoken agreement they left a hasty trail of discarded clothing from the kitchen into Alexa’s bedroom.

Rafe’s fingers trailed a hot path along Alexa’s bare skin. The more he touched her, the more she wanted to be touched. Touched and explored. It had been so very long since she’d felt a loving touch.

Somehow they made their way into her bed in pitch darkness. Following Rafe’s lead, Alexa reveled in the tautness of his smooth back, the long lines of muscle that hardened under the barest scrape of her palms across his flesh. At some point it struck her—Rafe had been right. In her unlit bedroom, they were equals, though he was more adept at finding every one of her sweet spots. Oh, yes, Rafe knew his way around a woman’s body. He knew how to make her feel cherished. Alexa suddenly remembered protection. Pushing weakly against Rafe’s shoulders, she tipped her head back a fraction. “Rafe.”

He stopped suckling her breast and groaned. Setting two fingers on her lips, he said in a gravelly, intense voice, “I swear, Alexa, if you’re about to bring up the doctor-patient relationship again…just, don’t.”

“Protection, Rafe.” Her voice sounded husky to her own ears. “In my office next door—I have an unopened box of condoms. They were in a kit I ordered when I considered doing volunteer work.” Her explanation sounded a little ragged since she spoke against the delicious tickle of Rafe’s mouth. But he stirred and leaned up on an elbow.

“You’d better bring the whole box, Alexa. The night is young.”

She stumbled into her office and yanked open three cabinets before she found the box. She ripped off the plastic and grabbed a handful of condoms then hurried back to bed.

Their first time making love couldn’t have been more perfectly choreographed. They didn’t need to talk. They didn’t need to see. They lost themselves in feeling. In experiencing each other.

Rafe was a generous lover and made Alexa feel bold. Strong. Adored. Hours later she smiled as she lay awake with his head pillowed on her shoulder. Faint streaks of dawn flickered between the curtains. Alexa stretched. The storm inside and out had passed at least momentarily, and Rafe slept peacefully. She scooted up a bit so she could watch the flutter of his long, dark eyelashes against the high curve of his cheeks. She toyed with the thick black strands of his hair, concerned that the
L
word might have slipped from her lips more than once during the height of passion. She didn’t want him worrying that she was rushing things. She wasn’t. She was content with the moment.

Alexa hated to leave the warmth of the bed and the security she felt in the weight of his arm curved around her middle, but nature called. She went to the bathroom down the hall so as not to disturb Rafe. A glance in the mirror revealed she looked a mess, so she showered quickly and used the peach cream Rafe seemed to like. On returning to her room, she was surprised and disappointed to find the bed empty. He’d taken his clothes, even. The only evidence this hadn’t been another dream were the tangled sheets and a dented second pillow.

She threw on some clothes and went to look for Rafe. Compadre beat her to his room. He pawed at the closed door. Alexa heard Rafe’s shower running and tried the doorknob, but it was locked. “Come on, Compadre. Rafe wants his privacy. I’ll switch on the alternate power generator, and surprise him with cinnamon French toast.”

She hummed as she beat the eggs. Soon the whole house smelled of vanilla and cinnamon.

Rafe emerged from his room, but didn’t take a seat at the table. “Look, Alexa, I came to apologize for taking advantage of your sympathy last night.”

“What?” She turned from the stove, not liking the harsh set of his mouth, which had felt so soft and pliant on hers. But hadn’t she feared he might read too much into her feelings? Still, anger bubbled up. “Are you accusing me of having pity sex? That’s a load of crap, Rafe.”

“Honesty is my new policy, remember? And I can tell from your mood this romance thing’s not working.”

“Oh, all I can tell is that you’re a complete jerk. You won’t admit what you want or need. Fix your own darned breakfast.” She dumped his favorite meal in the trash.

Her heart, which had felt buoyant earlier, now sat heavy as lead in her chest. All his crawling back, making noise about being able to breathe here, and that big talk about wanting them to be partners—it was lies. The only thing Rafe Eaglefeather wanted was a simple roll in the hay.

At least her animals needed her. Alexa yanked on her boots, jacket and gloves and stormed out to the barn.