The Day I Shot Cupid (4 page)

MY ADVICE IS SIMPLE:
Don’t let other people tell you how or when it’s supposed to happen. It’s your relationship and you want it to be organic and real. Don’t push him. A man pushed into marriage or babies is a caged animal ready
to attack. And then you will never know if he really wanted to or was just tired of hearing about it. And, most important, daydream about the moment, but remember how powerful the imagination can be. It won’t be a Julia Roberts movie because that’s not real. It won’t be a fairy tale because that’s also not real. It will just be your man asking his woman to be his wife. And it will be magical because he’s a man making a real commitment that goes beyond his instincts because you have inspired him to do so. This moment, for him, is all the romance he’s got. He has thought, planned, and sweated getting ready to do this. Let it be more perfect than a movie or something in your mind because it’s real and it’s beautiful.

THE RING

O
h God, I can’t even breathe when I talk
about it. It’s like the world has all the sound sucked out of it and everything’s in slow motion except for your heart. As that little
box opens, so do your dreams, and there it is, the Ring. There are two scenarios with this:

OR

Both exist and we have no control over which one will happen—or do we? This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring. Some
might say pathetic, I say prepared. While you get a “take a chance” ring, I will be blinging it all day with my “dream ring.” And actually, in the last few months or so, trying to be more prepared, I have found three rings that would make my heart stop. So if my guy ever starts putting out the “ring vibe” he will have choices, but they will be choices I love. I don’t apologize. A woman’s engagement ring is like a man’s dream car, it’s what we wear every day, what people ask to see first after the announcement, and whether we want to admit it or not, it says a lot about what our man knows about and thinks of us. A friend of mine wasn’t so happy with her engagement ring, and so, after a few months, she traded up and got a bigger one. It was a big deal between the two of them and could have been avoided with a little bling preparation.

Also, men will know they’ve done a good job based on how much she wears it. If it’s always in the soap dish, jewelry box, or not on when company’s over, she’s not crazy about the
ring. Don’t get me wrong, the ring is still about the meaning behind it, but there is also bling vanity, I’m not gonna lie. So here’s a thought: start looking for what you love, and narrow it down to three rings. When it’s that time in the relationship, show them to your guy and help him understand what it means to you and why. He wants to make you happy, and trust me, guys will love the help. And then know that when he opens that box, one of the three things you love will be in there. And then you can have the “Oh my God, I knew he would pick that one, it’s perfect, he is amazing, he’s going to be my husband, and thank you JLH” scenario!

THE ENGAGED

T
his is where my knowledge ends. I
have not gone past the engagement, but I did learn something while I was engaged. It’s as beautiful as it should be. It is a
time for flowers, parties, congrats, planning, dreaming, and contentment. But it’s also a time for reflection. It’s a time to really look at yourself and your partner, individually and together, and have respect for where you’re headed. Take care of any issues or problems in this phase because in marriage they will only get bigger. Know that your views are compatible on all the major issues, such as children, family, fidelity, religion, and commitment. Even though the stats right now aren’t favorable for marriage doesn’t mean that you can’t change it. Just be ready. Know that marriage is a responsibility and will take work, but it’s beautiful when done right. So while you’re engaged, have fun and take a million memory photos to remember this time. But also slow everything down and truly understand and appreciate the next step you will take. As you leave all of us single ladies behind to find our perfect moment, look back at us over your shoulder as you walk down the aisle and know that we are right behind you.

O
kay, so let’s be honest, texting is fun! It’s
flirty and dangerous. You can be more forward if you’re shy, more honest if you’re scared, and it’s faster if you’re antisocial. And, like anything really cool, if you overuse it, it can be a nightmare. The first time a guy texts you, it’s awesome! You can’t wait to write back something witty and wait by your phone for a response. (
NOTE:
You are waiting. By the phone. For his response.)

And here it comes, the flirty text that will start it all. You’ve got his attention, it’s hot, and you’ve found a rhythm! It’s been an amazingly wordy week and a half. He hasn’t called or taken you out, but he hasn’t blown you off ei
ther. Maybe he just needs more time, or maybe he’s
supposed
to take an hour and a half to respond to your last text. Or maybe he hasn’t turned his whole life over to your little text affair and is having a day. Like a normal person. Sorry, the truth hurts. News flash, maybe he’s texting you while he’s with the girl
he is on a date with
. Or else, loving the fact that he can flirt wildly and not commit to anything more solid. Or maybe he’s just too stupid to know that you won’t stand for that forever. Or will you?

Come on, ladies, we’ve got to be smarter than this! Do we want textin’ or sexin’? It’s cool to rely on modern means to get things rolling, but if we don’t stop the electronic lovin’ before it’s gone too far, they won’t. Hey mister—text me all you want, but after three days I need a phone call and some face-to-face lovin’ to ensure what you really want is me and not a cyber-Sally, hassle-free, texting girlfriend. Can you say passive-aggressive, boys? I mean, what’s next? Text sex?! I’ll tell you what—it’s already happening! Ew!

HIS TEXT

HER TEXT

HIS TENTH TEXT

And we wonder why the relationship isn’t working? Say no to text relationships. Take his BlackBerry away, and see what he’s really made of.

A
h…stressful day at the office so
sweetly interrupted by the instant message (IM) man of your dreams. What a great little invention. He can say hello, send kisses and smileys, and mess up your train of thought anytime he feels like it. And you can do the same. It’s so sweet and…so much like stalking when you think about it. If you’re there, he knows. If you’re gone, he knows. Every time you’re there and don’t answer…he knows. Maybe they should have temporary IM restraining orders. Think about it. You break up, he moves out, you say good-bye to his friends, cry, gain weight, cry, get a new life,
lose weight, move on, forget about him, go to work, get on your computer, and like from the dead, it emerges. The one thing you didn’t do. THE BLOCK. The IM block that allows you freedom from the occasional

HEY dot dot dot

WHAT’S UP dot dot dot

YOU SEEING ANYBODY dot dot dot

I KNOW YOU’RE THERE dot dot dot

We must think of everything, girls! Why should we be prisoners on our own computers? Stop reading this and block him before it’s too late! Run to your computer, don’t walk!

If dates were like baseball, the three strikes you’re
out rule would still apply. There are lots of variations on the theme, but the outcome is the same. On my one and only blind date, I experienced three in one night. He called me “baby” before we even pulled out of the driveway, gave me Altoids twenty minutes in for “our kiss at the end of the night,” and then tried to get me to play a game with him at the arcade because “that’s what couples do.” The appearance of my knight in shining armor was not what had been written in my childhood diaries. He was wearing alligator loafers (hello, PETA?), slacks that were cut too high (maybe he was expecting a flood?), and a
shiny silk shirt. Yeah, I was about to go out with the neighborhood slick guy, except he obviously was from a time period before I was born. (
SIDE NOTE:
The reason they call it a blind date is because if you could see them you wouldn’t go!)

Let me show you how this works. You’re in public and the guy starts to show anger or aggression toward you and others.

STRIKE ONE.

Later in the evening you realize that the “friend” who dressed him, taught him those manners, and told him it was okay for him to behave this way on a date is his EX who is also his ROOMMATE.

STRIKE TWO.

And then at the climax of the evening (the only one you will experience) you go to a karaoke bar, “because that makes up for the last two hours of your life you will never get back,” and realize you are with a man who knows every word to the Discovery Channel song and is proud of it! For those of you who don’t know the song, the lyrics are…“you and me baby
ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”

STRIKE THREE, YOU’RE OUT!

Now, although these scenarios sound dramatic, trust me, the three strike rule works when applied. Look, if he strikes out three times in one night, you don’t want to go to that game again, and the hot dog probably wasn’t very good.

HERE ARE SOME MORE STRIKES TO LOOK OUT FOR

• 1.
  He is more than fifteen minutes late.
  
• 2.
  He is driving his mother’s car.
  
• 3.
  His mother is driving.
  

• 1.
  If he can’t stop looking at your chest.
  
• 2.
  If he can’t stop looking at the waitress’s chest.
  
• 3.
  If he can’t stop looking at every girl’s chest.
  

• 1.
  If he starts talking about himself and can’t stop.
  
• 2.
  If he starts talking at breakfast in the morning and you just sat down.
  
• 3.
  If he basically tries to eat your face when kissing you good night.
  

• 1.
  If he keeps saying, “That’s so dumb” when you’re talking.
  
• 2.
  If he’s been living in his ex-wife’s house.
  
• 3.
  If he keeps calling you by another girl’s name.
  

You’re Out!!!