The Fallen Ones (The Fallen Angels Series Book 1) (8 page)

Ilyana:

As I
walk away from Levi, I feel guilty. I know that he is really disappointed and I
need to help him if we are ever going to move forward and learn to access and
control my gifts, but my head is still swimming with thoughts of Kailand. I
wonder how I will even be able to sleep tonight, knowing that he is back in
that cave, fighting to hold onto any shred of sanity that is left, not just for
him, but for his family and the family of all the counsel members there. I make
a mental note to find out more about the Counsel and have Alya bring me back
books on the historical political structure among Nephilim.

Almost
as soon as my bedroom door shuts behind me I hear a light knock and before I
can even respond, Ephraim is bounding through. There is a look of concern on
his face still, much like there was when Levi was speaking to me a moment ago,
the same look that he had when I had my little outburst on the field earlier. I
just don’t have time to deal with this, he looks at me and waits for me to tell
him it is ok to come in. I know I owe it to him so I respond as I begin to pull
out a pair of boxers and a camisole that I can change into after a bath. He is
standing at the foot of my bed as I throw the pajamas up by my pillow, he
regards them intently for a moment in a way that makes me feel slightly
uncomfortable but also a little proud, there have not been many men in my life
that are interested in seeing the tomboyish outfits I sleep in and even less
men that would be ok with the fact that they are non-designer and came in a
multi-pack at the local super market. He catches me smirking for a moment so I
begin to pick up the room around me slightly – I am bad about leaving laundry
around the house “Can I help you with something, Ephraim?” he exhales and I can
see the relief pouring out of him. I watch him for a moment and then fold the
clean laundry that is on the chair in the corner of my room. “Ilyana, I am so ashamed
of myself…” I realize this is not exactly the tone of the conversation I was
expecting so I walk to the bathroom, leaving the door open so I can hear him
and begin running water, in hopes of him getting the hint and not dragging this
out. When I walk back up, he looks so upset that it breaks my heart. I walk
over to him and place my arm on his shoulder to steady myself and ensure eye
contact, for a moment the gesture feels foreign to me, but I realize that I am
not the same person now that I was two weeks ago, I speak softly at first
“Ephraim, you owe me nothing. Especially not an apology. I have always had a
compulsive need to be right and get the last word in, I push others – a lot. I
did that with you today. So, I am to blame. Not you.” He cuts me off “No, you
are fragile and everything around you keeps changing and I just keep putting
more and more pressure on you, I should’ve been training with you from the
start, I’ve left you in the dust and tried my hardest to push you away because
I thought it was best for you. But now I realize…..” He gets a look on his face
that I have seen only once before and before it happens, I know what is next.

He
crushes his mouth against mine in a rough, pleading gesture. I allow myself to
sink into it, to be carried away by this experience, by him. He picks me up and
gently holds me against the wall behind me while his lips trace over my mouth
and cheeks and neck. It feels amazing, I look down at him and find my hand
gently pulling the back of his hair to look up at me and I meet his lips again.
He kisses me gently this time, like he is accepting all of the forgiveness that
I couldn’t give him with words and I realize I am doing the same. I felt so
guilty for hurting him earlier, I needed this moment to know we were alright,
he begins to trail his kisses dangerously low down my neck again and his hand
begins to wander up underneath my shirt. For a moment it is comforting and then
I realize that is exactly what I need from him. I carefully sway my hips
forward against him and then realize how wrong this feels. I care so greatly
for him, but I always imagined being with someone, like I am right now, would
be centered around love. I would be thinking of what I have to offer him and
not just what he is doing for me. I care for him, but not enough to justify
this. Before his hand reaches my bra, or his mouth trails any lower than my
shirt, I go slack and make myself stop “Ephraim. This – it isn’t right.” He
looks like I poured ice water on him, he gently rights my shirt and sets me down,
he steps back and turns his back to me as he runs his hands through his hair –
his signature move.

Before
he has a chance to walk out on me, I step forward and hug him carefully from
behind “Ephraim, I loved every minute. But something is not right. I need you,
we need each other to get through this. But, just, not like this. I want to
touch and be touched, kiss and be kissed and believe me – it sucks pulling away
after a kiss like that. But I care too much for you to do this. Right now I am
empty, and being with you, like that. Can’t possibly be what’s best for either
of us, because right now I have nothing to give you.” I feel some tension leave
his body and I pull him around to face me, he looks disappointed but if I have
learned anything about him, he is too proud to ever say it. I continue on “I
think that I am still figuring out who I am – you are still figuring out who I
am for that matter. I need you to be my friend, I don’t need a fragile
relationship that is liable to break at the seams if one of us does or says the
wrong thing. You know why I am able to talk so freely with Levi?” he tenses
again at his name and clenches his jaw, through gritted teeth he responds “Why
is that, Ilyana?” I try not to smile at his reaction “Because in the two short
weeks I have known him, he has become family to me. I don’t have the chemistry
with him that I do with you, so it is not complicated, but beyond that, I know
that even when I fuss or we fight, or I get mad at him – at the end of the day,
he will still be there calling me names, pulling my pony tail and listening. I
need to know that you will do the same, and right now, I need to know that
without the added complication of a relationship. I want comfort from you, not
just from your touches or kisses. I don’t even want to think in terms of a
relationship with anyone right now. Does that make sense?” I look into his
eyes, hoping that he understands. He lets out a light breath and tucks a strand
of hair behind my ear, he says in the most ruggedly beautiful whisper “Ilyana,
you are going to be the death of me if I don’t watch out. You aren’t a little
princess or a fragile girl. You are a goddess, don’t forget that now or ever.”
He pulls my head forward to kiss my forehead and then turns around to walk out,
before he closes my door he looks at me one more time “I am here, Ilyana. Ill
temper, raging hormones and all. You don’t have to worry about me going
anywhere.” He shuts the door and leaves me alone with my thoughts. I am
surprised that instead of fixating on what just happened with Ephraim, all I
can think about is Kailand. All alone in a cave full of people. I wish I could
sneak back to him tonight, but it is too late and after all that has happened,
I know that my absence would be noticed. I decide to hurry up and bathe and
then if the guys are asleep when I am finished, maybe I can take Sasha out for
a walk and sneak out to the cave.

Ilyana:

I
spend all the time I can possibly stand in the bath tub, my fingers are
wrinkled and my skin is all red and flushed from the heat, I have applied
deliciously scented lotion to my whole body, paying special attention to my
elbows, knees and ankles and I even managed to use the tooth whitening strips
that I found after Alya’s big shopping spree for me. I emerge from my bathroom,
hopeful that I will find the guys asleep. I am not at all prepared for what is
waiting there for me when I open the door though.

I
nearly fall to the ground as Alya rushes ahead to hug me “Ahhhh, Ilyana, you
are doing SO well! I have been waiting around a half hour and I almost couldn’t
even hear any of your waves! Whatever you are doing is working!” though the
timing is terribly inconvenient, I am happy to see her so I hug her back
“Thanks Alya, I don’t know what I am doing, but hopefully I figure it out soon
so I can keep doing it and you can come around more again.” For a moment she
looks upset and I realize she has the same tendency as her brother to take on
extra responsibility for everything that goes wrong so I continue on “But I am
so grateful you are here tonight! What brought you here this evening?” She
reaches for her bag which is resting on my bed and pulls out a bunch of girly
salon stuff and a few chick flicks “A little birdy told me that you could use
some help relaxing!” I laugh at the thought – Alya could be described in so
many ways, but relaxing is not one of them. I know that I have Levi or Ephraim
to thank for this.

She
asks me to pick a movie so I opt for “Chocolat” it might be romantic which is
exactly what I don’t want right now, but anything with Johnny Depp is
preferable to a movie about a couple growing old and dying in one another’s
arms – I still haven’t figured out how that is really romantic as is. She
smiles approvingly and pulls my computer chair over and instructs me to sit in
it after starting the movie. Then I see the scissors come out “Ummm, what
exactly are you planning to do with those, Alya?” she waves off my concern and
I know I have no choice in the matter “I am going to give you a haircut! I am
really great at it and it looks like you haven’t had one in some time – I
promise you are going to love it.” She is already combing out my freshly washed
hair so I decide to just keep my mouth shut and let her get to work.

I
intently watch the movie while she intently cuts my hair, paints my nails and
gives me a facial – I find myself wondering what the point of the facial is,
since Nephilim have flawless, self-healing skin as is, but the minty smelling
paste begins to tingle against my skin and it feels so good, I don’t even
bother. As we are watching the movie, I keep finding myself scoffing at all of
the sappy romantic parts, real life romance is never quite so simple – at least
not in my very limited experience. After she finishes cleaning up the hair all
around me she pauses the movie and swivels the chair to face her “Is there
something you would like to discuss?” immediately my mind flashes back to
Kailand, but I realize there is no way she could know about any of that. So, I
carefully respond “I don’t think so, is there something you would like to
discuss?” she rolls her eyes “Don’t be like that with me! One girl in the woods
with two attractive men for two weeks, scoffing at all of the best parts in
this movie… Something has happened, so spill.” I am surprised at how much she
has picked up on but then I realize living for 4000 years (give or take)
probably lends itself to quite a high dose of women’s intuition.

I try
to think of what I can tell her that won’t be completely weird, since her
brother is one of the main characters in this little sideshow. “Alya, I really
don’t know what to say that won’t be really awkward for the both of us.” She
sits back for a minute and turns the TV completely off “I knew it, so it’s
Ephraim then. So what happened? You were going to hit it and quit it and then
your feelings got the best of you and now you are stuck?” I am taken aback by
her human expressions and vulgarity I clear my throat “I am not exactly the hit
it and quit it type. No.” she catches my frustration and quickly back tracks
“I’m sorry, Doll. I didn’t mean to imply that you are. I keep forgetting how
young you are, when you have lived as long as I have, you begin to notice a
pattern – usually it’s that our attention doesn’t hold for very long. It wasn’t
personal.” I settle back into my chair and think about my words carefully
before I say them “We kissed, a lot. But something didn’t quite feel right.”

She
looks like she completely understands and even would’ve expected that. I wait
for her to speak, but she doesn’t say anything so I continue on “He’s so brave
and strong, and just about perfect. But, something in me, doesn’t feel nearly
as attached to him as I do to the idea of being kissed and touched and cared
for. It’s like I want those things, and I like those things with him, but
beneath the surface I’m not sure if I really want to keep having those things
with him and I just don’t understand why. It’s awful too because when he’s not
being all gentle and sexy and sweet, he is brooding and fighting and arrogant.
I never know who I will get, but I am not exactly satisfied with either.” My
cheeks start to blush when I remember she is his sister and I am being a tad
too open but she doesn’t act at all taken aback she looks to the side “Well, is
their someone else that you think would be better suited for kissing and
fooling around with than Ephraim, perhaps?” I am surprised by the bluntness of
her question as the only other person I know is Levi, and the thought of being
with him like that is complete lunacy, but then I think of Kailand, I can admit
he is gorgeous but he is an arrogant prick who also happens to be in prison,
which really doesn’t say much about my taste in men.

 Then
I remember something I needed to ask her so I decide to tread past this
conversation quickly so I can get to it “No, I don’t really I think I want
anyone in his place – including him, for now.” She looks slightly relieved for
a moment but before I ask her about it she continues on “Well, if I was in your
shoes I know what I would do.” I looks at her quizzically and she continues on
“I would just take it for what it is, kiss a little, fight a little fu…” I
place my hand up before she can finish “I get the picture, Alya. But that’s not
me and I can’t do that to Ephraim – he’s more important than that.” She looks
confused for a minute “Oh, Doll. He hasn’t explained to you about being a half
breed, has he?” I think back on our conversations and remember him using the
term, but we never revisited what it meant so I tell her as much and she
continues on.

“A
half breed is a very powerful form of Nephilim, physically, he is far stronger
than you or I – even though he is my brother, we share only a mother. His
father raped my mother and that resulted in his conception. His father was one
of the demons. A number of years ago, we were at war and some of the demons had
crossed into our territory, many of the stories you hear of Vikings are
actually about our people. When there is a war in the Nephilm world, it is the
same as it is in the human world, there is pillaging, fighting, murder and even
rape.” I feel my heart sink when I imagine all that their mother went through,
I don’t even believe I have the right to know anything more, but she continues
on “Many of the half-breeds are retrieved by the demons after birth, but my
mother and father had countless connections and were able to convince the
Counsel to help hide Ephraim. My father was a good man, he loved my mother very
much and he didn’t want others to think less of her when they heard how Ephraim
was conceived. So he convinced the counsel to hide Ephraim in plain sight. They
agreed to give him 18 years to lie and say Ephraim was his own, he went through
our typical training and though he was good at combat, he always fell behind in
skill and ability training. When he turned 18 years old, it was time for him to
pay a debt to the counsel, since then, he has worked tirelessly as their hound,
he is physically the strongest being we have on the Island, so he gets sent on
dangerous missions and when the elders are occasionally called upon to travel,
he is expected to escort them. It was his mission to find the one, because they
believe he was all that could withstand your power.” I think back on when I met
him and realize he was completely alone and tattered looking, Alya didn’t show
up for at least an hour behind him, if not more. I am shell-shocked, but she
isn’t done telling the story “I thought they were sending him on a suicide
mission and fought the counsel every step of the way, when he called us after
finding you, I was so relieved. You were the best surprise we could’ve received
and now his debt to the counsel has been paid so he is now free to come and go
as he pleases.”

She
gives me a look of gratitude and I am shocked at her ability to accept me after
thinking I would mean his end. She loves him so much and I feel so honored to
have her friendship after multiple lifetimes of her fearing the stories she
heard of me and what they would mean for her brother. I realize that none of
this is really tying together though “So, what does this have to do with him
kissing me?” she sits up straighter “Oh! Yes, so half breeds. Well, each of our
species was created for a purpose, humans to serve and care for the world
around them, Angels to protect the humans and demons to essentially be errand
boys for the Angels. They were supposed to act without thinking or feeling,
they don’t form any attachments, that is actually a characteristic limited to
humans, even Angels – as great as they are, do not form attachments to humans, they
may be amused by some people or proud of a job well done with others. But they
are transient by nature, they don’t die and humans do, so it is necessary for
them to remain unattached.” I realize what she is saying and interject “So you
are saying that Ephraim is not the marrying type then?”

She
laughs at my question and then answers “Well, I should say not, but it is
deeper than that. He does care and have a strong sense of duty. He may even be
able to love – I’m not really sure honestly. But in the Angel world and the
Nephilim world, there is one thing that remains consistent, the ability to bond
ourselves to a mate. Some say it is of our choosing, others say that your mate
chooses you, it hasn’t happened in generations – and I have never experienced it,
so I don’t know what I think. But, your mate is supposed to invigorate you. Not
only do you love them, bond with them and produce children with them, but a
sense of faithfulness and obligation is sparked in you, you fiercely protect
one another and anchor each other. It is not just something Nephilim and Angels
want, it is something that we all need at some point or another, and once that
bond is created, it is not easily broken. In fact, I am not even sure if
breaking that bond is possible at all.”

I realize
what she is saying and as much as it saddens me, I realize that it somehow
makes sense. The reason I can’t connect to him. It’s because somewhere my
psyche knows that it will need something more, something that he can’t offer
me. I don’t want that for him though, I want him to love and bond and mate.

She
sees my troubled expression “I don’t see how this is bad news, Ilyana! This
means you can have the best of both worlds, his touches and kisses and
companionship, minus all of the messy attachments!” I am outraged at her
suggestion and immediately rise to my feet and my voice rises without even
trying, I point to the door “That man out there is worth something! Nephilim,
Half-Breed, demon or human – it doesn’t matter, he is important and I would never
use him, or anyone for that matter, like you are suggesting. I may not have
lived for 4000 years, I may not have traveled the world, but I know enough
about it to say that what you are suggesting is fundamentally wrong and could
only result in pain, not only for me, but for your brother!” I begin pacing the
room and she follows. She catches my eye and at first she is regarding my like
a rabid lion, but then she changes her tone and says something that I don’t
think either of us expect “You’re right, Doll. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to
sound callous and the last thing I want is for anyone to get hurt, I guess I
just thought that maybe Ephraim could get some fun out of it too, especially
since he will never be mated to anyone and eventually you will. Time has this
way of making you numb, you don’t see everything in black and white, it all
turns into a bunch of gray areas, but I can see why my thoughts might be a
little troublesome for you to swallow.”

I
massage my temples and shut my eyes “I forgive you, Alya. I am the one that
should’ve kept my mouth shut, of course you wouldn’t want your brother hurt,
this is just a lot of information.” She agrees with me and then grabs me by the
shoulders to spin me around and show me my hair for the first time “It’s a pity
your new style can’t be put to use right away, promise you’ll let me do it
again?” I am taken aback, she did an amazing job, my normally unruly, long
curly hair has been cut to just below my shoulders and layered with longer hair
at the front and slightly shorter in the back, for the first time in my life, I
look like an adult. I eagerly agree to her conditions and decide to make one of
my own “Alya, can you bring me back some books about the original counsel,
particularly Antony?” she whips me around and looks me in the face. I
immediately realize I said too much “What do you know of Antony? I don’t even
know if those stories are true.” She looks upset and confused “I don’t know, I
think I just saw the name on one of the books the guys brought here, I never
really read about it though, it just stuck out and I wanted to know more.” I
sound like an idiot, I have always been a terrible liar, but fortunately 4000
years on earth hasn’t turned her into a human lie detector, she regards me
carefully and releases my shoulders “I’ll see if I can find anything for you
when I come back soon. My head is starting to hurt a little now though, so I
need to head back a recoup for the night.”