The Infinite Library (84 page)

I would soon solve the mystery of this chain of phantom pens, but not before I saw in print one of the manuscripts initially sold to me by Henry, in his own name. I immediately was outraged by this breach of private contract. When I confronted him, he seemed curiously amused. It was then that he showed me a manuscript currently being considered for publication the following year, one that I had written with my own pen for Gimaldi. It took me a few moments to realize what was happening. In purchasing work from Henry and selling it to Gimaldi, Gimaldi was in turn selling it to Henry – his secret contact – who would now sell some of them back to me. I also learned that by some dint of a miracle Gimaldi had actually developed his own talent at writing, and that some of his manuscripts were making the rounds of this bizarre commercial triangle. Henry suggested that I start publishing in my own name, albeit from some of the manuscripts I bought from him.

I was dumbfounded. I did as he suggested, of course, out of curiousity. My first novel saw print, although I could not determine if the original author was Gimaldi or Henry. This is a trade that has discretion as its fundamental law, so I did not press either of them. And so this chain continued, and all three of us were now accomplished authors, although none of us truly wrote in our own names. It seemed absurd that we three, talented in our own right, would continue to sign our names to the productions of the other. In particular,
Ars atrocitatis
is a work whose author cannot be so easily attributed (is it the product of my pen? Henry’s? Gimaldi’s? All three, as if all were concurrent editions?).

It has now become confusing. None of us know who the originating author of any of our works is anymore. My own work may have passed through two sets of hands before being purchased by me to publish in my own name. It may have been that, but there is no way anymore of telling for sure. Our fame is borrowed, or, rather, purchased, from the other. Our authorship has blended into one. It is a voice owned collectively. I am and am not the author of my own works.

Next:

The Infinite Atrocity

(Ars atrocitatis)

2

bonus

stories

Appearing in the Library

[In this edition only]

Metapharm

For / After Will Self

The fact that your head is throbbing is no surprise, and most likely deserved after last night's extended tipple at the gallery opening. You do recall splicing fair and encouraging adjectives about the artist's work in order to seem engaging even if you found the work to be a touch too self-involved and derivative. At seven dollars a glass, the wine was horribly overpriced for its vintage - a case of red on the cheap, made with Australian grapes but grown elsewhere. It was on this night that, in its seismic drunken blur, a complete stranger (weren't they all after the eighth glass?) pushed on you some brochure which you had absently stuffed into your jacket pocket, barely registering the gift before resuming the stride of your staccato subject of conversation. It would only be the day after, the sharp bolts of hangover urging you on to break its spell by lethargically taking stock of the night before and restoring the order to your things. It was then that you plucked the six by nine cotton-fibre envelope from your jacket and decided to open it.

There was nothing immediately gripping about it. It seemed to be just another promotional brochure that pharmaceutical agencies inflict upon the world with promises of instant miracle cures allegedly backed by hard research, studded with all the feel-good terms of bliss by the pill and authoritative scientific terms to impart some degree of credibility for the potential consumer. You were far too inured to the persuasive whim-whams and the cheap psychological tricks of advertising, so you remained cynically unconvinced. You would have just tossed it away along with the rest of the papery detritus of your pockets - cashpoint receipts and business cards you were handed that you would never act on - if it were not for a few words that caught your attention.

The company's name was Metapharm (TM), and there was little to differentiate its sales pitch from other pharmaceutical companies with its slick, glossy mix of text and stock photos of smiling, attractive people reposing happily in euphoric flowery fields. However, the suite of drugs they had on offer compelled you to investigate the document further...

Metapharm (TM)

Problems finding that perfect word for that special occasion? Persistent writer's block? Metaphors stale and overused? We have the prescription remedy for you!

Our new line of trusted medications are laboratory engineered and rigorously tested to ensure a thrilling and highly satisfactory turnaround in your expressive powers. Our dedicated team of in-house linguists, chemical engineers, and neuroscientists continue to develop ever new ways of stimulating your creative prowess and linguistic capabilities.

In a harmonious merger of computer generation, nanotechnology, and laboratory ingenuity, our line of medications target the linguistic centre of your brain for maximum narrative delivery. You'll rejoice at our freshly-fattened metaphors, infused with just the right blend of preservatives to ensure a longer shelf-life for your metaphoric constructions. Our trial-tested adjectives will strengthen and enrich your word power, with results drastically noticeable after a two-week regimen.

Following the description was a list of the medications on offer.

Lexium (TM): Trouble with limited vocabulary? These slow-release capsules are imbued with the latest in infra-cerebral nanobots that will gradually encode your brain with hundreds of thousands of new words while reinforcing the neural pathways to facilitate retention and recall. Now available in French.

Grammax (TM): Our newly patented formula makes grammatical errors a thing of the past. This medication is designed to reinforce proper grammatical rules while inducing slight discomfort at the sight of poor grammar to alert you to the need to rectify mistakes. This medication is ideal for writers and journalists, as well as university students and academics.

Adjectiva (TM): Coming up with the right description for an object, event, or person can be a struggle, and so we've developed a solution. Using only the most sophisticated computer generated programs and adjectival engineering in our laboratories, fresh adjectives and neologisms will empower your descriptions with ease and innovation.

Metaphorix (TM): Struggling to form the right metaphor or simile? We at Metapharm believe in creating lasting metaphors that stand the test of time. This exciting and new addition to our medication family will be a confidence boost in the building, construction, and maintenance of metaphors and similes with a special focus on their longevity. Farmed from our metaphor incubators, delight to over 6 billion metaphoric combinations each quality-tested for maximum performative effect and durability.

The very thought of augmenting or supplementing one's expressive abilities with the aid of medications seemed distasteful to you, although this was offset by your realization that many writers you knew relied on substances to create - albeit of the self-medicating kind. How was this any different? Perhaps it was the level of intrusiveness that bothered you, this use of engineered properties and nanobots, incubators and computer programs that dehumanized the process of creation. You spied further to the final page of the brochure and saw a list of possible side effects for the drugs, a legal liability toss-away tucked at the very end where it could not interfere with the utopian promises of this saccharin shill.

If the following side effects occur, discontinue use and please consult your semantic physician:

-Persistent and chronic pronoun confusion

-Slight narrative imbalances or style cramping

-Logorrhea

-Incorrect phrase parsing

-Inflammation of semicolon usage

-Distended dialogue

-Non-revisable sentence fragments

-Painful and irritable rash of modifiers

-Adverbial fluctuations

-Metaphor arrest

-Diegetical arrhythmia

-Pernicious redundancies

-Swelling of the noun phrase

-Verb failure

You should not use Lexium, Grammax, Adjectiva, or Metaphorix if you are:

-Pregnant or breastfeeding

-Taking any SSRIs

-Have a history of excessive pleonasm

-If you are currently taking Parallaxium (TM) or any of its derivatives

You were about to toss the brochure away with the recycling, thinking it was a joke in bad taste, until you caught sight of something else in the folder. This document, which was crudely photocopied and held together by a paperclip, was perhaps not meant to be included in the promotional materials. Contained in this document was a report written by one of the doctors in charge of the testing trials for the entire range of Metapharm's products. You began reading with interest, relishing the guilty pleasure of being able to pry into proprietary matters anonymously.

Report to the Drug Trials Committee

May 18, 2010

Dr. T. Ferguson

Committee Members -

I have begun trials on our four selected subjects at our testing facility. At the recommended dose (as per the Controls section) of twice daily, I have administered each of the new drugs to the subjects. I have been monitoring their progress and keeping note of any physiological changes they may experience as documented in their daily questionnaire. A weekly blood test is also administered to measure levels in the blood and to monitor organ function. Also per instructions, I will be collecting written samples from each of the subjects by the conclusion of the first week of dosage.

On a personal note, I find my lodgings in the testing facility satisfactory, and I will abide by the isolation procedure for both myself and the subjects to avoid any outside interference. I have read, understood, and will comply with the non-disclosure agreement.

A note on the subjects: if the Committee will refer to the Testing Guidelines, the four chosen subjects conform to our testing controls. The two writers in the control group include a literary fiction author and a freelance writer who occasionally writes children's books. If we are to gain a better understanding of how these drugs affect writers, I would recommend in future trials that both dosage regimens be tried on writers of various genres.

In order to ensure more objective results, the following measures were taken according to the Controls section stipulations:

-subjects are completely segregated from any outside influences including any media, reading material, or contact with any person outside the testing facility.

-Ethics guidelines on disclosing the nature of the drugs has been communicated to the subjects without excessive clinical detail which may alter or distort the responses of the subjects.

-Each subject was informed of their obligations to the trials and that any deviations would invalidate their results and their further participation in the study. These obligations include the completion of the daily questionnaire and the weekly writing sample (beginning at the end of Week 2).

I have also had each of the subjects sign the Liability Waiver with the non-indemnity clause clearly communicated to said subjects.

I have taken the liberty to identify the subjects according to the drug they are being administered. In all future correspondence, please refer to this as a guide:

subject G (on Grammax, 60 mg per/d)

subject L (on Lexium, 40 mg per/d)

subject A (on Adjectiva 40 mg per/d)

subject M (on Metaphorix, 50 mg per/d)

Please note, according to the testing guidelines, I will be doubling these dosages after the first four weeks of trials.