The Prince of Punk Rock (14 page)

“What’s her take on this
thing?”
 
Kenny asked.
 
“Does she know what’s going on?”

“Oh, yeah.
 
Everyone knows.
 
There’s no filter between me and Tommy.
 
You saw us on stage.
 
It doesn’t stop there.
 
Jessi doesn’t seem bothered by it all.
 
Quite the opposite, actually.
 
I think she gets off on it.”

“How is it supposed to work, then,
with his wife?”

“I really don’t know.”

“Maybe he’s just looking for a
fling, but,” Kenny shook his head, “I don’t think so.
 
You don’t get all pissy when someone hugs an
ex-boyfriend, if it’s just a fling.”

“It’s definitely more than
that.
 
He said he cares about me, but
that’s all I can get out of him.
 
He
shuts down if I pursue it, and I’m afraid to push him.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know.”
 
Angel shrugged.
 
“I really have no fuckin’ clue.”

Kenny grunted and sort of
laughed.
 
“Look at us.
 
Two lovesick fools, pining away for someone
we can’t have.
 
We’re fuckin’ pathetic.”

Angel always believed that he and
Tommy would be together.
 
He had no idea
how Jessi was supposed to be involved, but it didn’t matter, as long as he was
with Tommy.
 
Now, after verbalizing the
situation out loud, it sounded ludicrous.
 
He should just forget about Tommy and move on.
 
But he couldn’t.
 
There was no way he could be happy without
that sweet prince.
  
He let out a loud,
exasperated sigh and put his head on Kenny’s shoulder.
 
“I guess both of our broken hearts could use
a little comforting tonight.”

The next
morning Jessi came by Angel’s apartment with a length of red fabric.
 
She draped it over the dining room table and
explained that it could become the signature color of Immortal Angel.
 
She was trying to get Angel’s input on the
new shirts that she was designing, but he was barely paying attention.
 
His mind kept drifting back to Tommy.
 
He kept thinking about Tommy’s reaction to
Kenny last night, and what it meant.
 
He
kept replaying, and reliving, the hug between him and Tommy.
 
It was the first time real intimacy they
shared.

Angel
stopped listening to Jessi altogether and sat down at the table.
 
He needed to talk to her about Tommy.
 
Right here.
 
Right now.

When she
realized he was no longer standing next to her, she stopped cutting the fabric
and stared at him.
 
Neither one of them
said anything, but the look on her face told him that she knew they were about
to have a serious conversation.

“Sit
down.”
 
He tapped his hand on the seat
next to him.
 
“Let’s talk.”

Jessi sat
on the edge of the chair with unease and concern.

“It’s
about Tommy.”

Her face
was blank, but her eyes were growing wider with each second that passed.

Angel
knew it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation for either one of them.
 
“I’ve tried talking to Tommy, but I can’t get
him to open up to me.
 
I know this is awkward
Jessi, but I can’t talk to anyone else about it.”

She
closed her eyes momentarily and Angel didn’t know if she was trying not to cry
or getting ready for a big elaborate speech.

“Look,
you know you can talk to me about anything, Angel, but I don’t know how much I
can say without betraying Tommy’s trust.
 
There are things he doesn’t talk about.”

“I don’t
mean to put you in that position.
 
I
don’t know what else to do.
 
I’m going
crazy.”

“So is
Tommy.”

He
furrowed his brow.
 
“What?”

“I’m sure
you can see that Tommy has a hard time talking about . . . the things he
struggles with.
 
You, more than anyone,
should know what he’s going through.”

Her words
were suggestive but they were unclear.
 
Angel was lost.
 
He didn’t know if
there were talking about the same subject anymore.
 
“I’m talking about me and Tommy.
 
What are you talking about?”

“The same
thing.
 
Tommy doesn’t know what to make
of the ambiguous feelings he has.
 
He’s
afraid to be himself, except when he’s around you.
 
Tommy never openly,” she paused while she
searched for the right words, “Tommy never openly exhibited the kind of
behavior
that you two display, before.”
 
She
leaned closer to him for emphasis.
 
“Not
in front of anyone,
except
me
.”

Angel was
tired of implication.
 
He wanted clear
cut answers.
 
“I’m going to be candid,
Jessi.
 
I’m going to come right out and
ask you—”
  
She tried to interrupt him,
but he cut her off.
 
“I don’t care if you
don’t want to answer me.
 
I’m going to
ask you anyway.
 
I want to know.
 
No. I
need
to know.
 
Am I interfering in your marriage?
 
Am I coming between you and Tommy?”

She
stared back at him, expressionless.

“Don’t
pretend that you don’t know what’s going on.
 
I know you do.”

She still
didn’t react, so he pressed her harder.
 
“You know that there’s more than a flirtation between me and Tommy.
 
There’s something going on that no one’s
talking about.”

She
didn’t flinch.
 
She was rigid, with a
backbone of steel.
 
He wasn’t ready to
give up.
 
He was determined to get an
answer out of her. “I care about Tommy.
 
A lot.
 
I know he feels the same
way about me.
 
I’m afraid to act on it
because I don’t want to hurt you, Jessi.
 
But you need to let me know how you feel about what’s going on.
 
If you want me to back off, tell me.
 
I need to know, because I can’t keep my
feelings on hold.
 
I need to do something
here.”

The dead
silence hung in the air between them.
 
After a few seconds, Jessi slowly began to smile.
 
“Are we really having this conversation?”

Angel
wanted to laugh, but he stopped himself.
 
It was a serious matter, not to be taken lightly.
 
“I know.
 
This is crazy.
 
But, yes, we
are.
 
At least I am.
 
I feel like I’m talking to a wall.
 
Help me out, please.”

She took
a deep breath and put her hand on his knee.
 
“Look, there are some things I can’t talk about without betraying
Tommy’s trust.
 
But, I know Tommy.
 
He lets me see things that he’s not
comfortable showing anyone else.
 
And I
love every aspect of his personality.
 
I
love him for who he is.”
 
She spoke
slowly and chose her words carefully.
 
“I
would never stand in the way of Tommy’s happiness.”

Angel was
fed up with the innuendo and insinuation.
 
“I’m going to be very blunt and I want a straight answer.
 
Do you have a problem if me and Tommy sleep
together?
 
Yes or no?”

She sat
back in her chair and looked off to the side.
 
She took a deep breath and was lost in thought.
 
Her face took on a variety of emotions.
 
She wrinkled her brow.
 
The corners of mouth bowed down, and then her
face went blank.
 
Her lips curled up
slightly and she turned back to look at him.
 
“No.
 
I have no problem with it.”

Angel was still excited and wound
up hours after Jessi left.
 
Now nothing
was standing in his way of being with Tommy – except Tommy.
 
That sweet boy needed to relax and let his guard
down.
 
Angel had to remind himself to be
a little more patient and a little more persistent and everything would work
out in the end.

He was inspired and motivated, and
he wanted to write lyrics.
 
He wanted to
write a song for Tommy.
 
Something that
would verbalize and articulate the love he felt in his heart.

Angel jumped in bed with his laptop
and notebook and pen.
 
He always wrote
music on top of his plush leopard throw surrounded by overstuffed pillows.
 
The first thing he needed to do was find a
melody.
 
He browsed through his computer
files and listened to some prerecorded melodies.
 
The band composed music faster than he could
write lyrics, so he always had an assortment of tunes to work with.
 
He picked one and started writing.
 
The words flowed effortlessly from his head
to his hand, but they were contradictory to the melody.
  
He replayed the track and sang the lyrics
again, but he had to stop.
 
The sappy
versus and bridges he wrote clashed with the fast, hard beat of the music.
 
He didn’t sing about love.
 
He sang about dark things – greed, lust, sex,
money – and that was the tempo of the music.
 
It wasn’t cohesive with the lyrics.
  
He was disheartened, because he loved the lyrics he wrote.
 
He read through them again, and realized that
he had a total different melody in his head, a melody that his subconscious
just created.
 
The band would have to
write the music, but he had the general essence of the melody in his mind.

It wasn’t punk rock though.
 
It was a beautiful, heartfelt ballad, and
that’s what troubled him.
 
Immortal Angel
did
not
sing sappy ballads.
 
He
was worried his fans wouldn’t like it.
 
It would be different, though.
 
He
could write lyrics for the other hard melody and debut them together.
 
That might entice his fans into accepting a
slower, softer song.
  
He could run it by
Jessi.
 
Her judgment was spot on, and she
never hesitated to tell him when she thought something wasn’t going to work.

Jessi had an abundance of prolific
ideas.
 
She managed the production of the
new CD they recorded and pushed for a CD release party at The Quadrangle.

Angel always thought it was better
to play the classier places because they paid a lot more than the hole in the
wall bars, which were more fun, and where he didn’t have to worry about
offending anyone with his ill-disciplined behavior on stage.
 
But Jessi pushed to book the smaller
neighborhood bars.
 
She explained that
those were the places that would expand his fan base and draw people to the larger
venues, and she was right.
 
He couldn’t
believe he never looked at it that way.
 
He was always looking at dollars and cents, which was important, but she
explained that the bigger his fan base was the more in demand he would be and
the more money he would draw.
 
Record
labels would look at him and see the potential for big bucks. She was one smart
fish.