Tied Up In Heartstrings (22 page)

I leave tomorrow and Lex is still sick. She threw up almost immediately after she woke up this morning. She’s not really eating much and I’m worried about leaving her. I’ve called her brother. He’s says he’ll keep an eye on her and Sierra after I leave tomorrow, and he can always watch Sierra if Lex needs a few days to get over whatever this is. I started to postpone the first few dates on the tour, but she overheard my conversation and squashed that with one of her adorable temper tantrums. God, I love her.

“Sweetheart, what do you feel up to doing today?” I ask her. I don’t really care what we do as long as I don’t have to be away from her at all.

“Anything you want. I’m happy just to stay here and have a family day. We can swim, watch a movie, and play games. I don’t really care,” she says.

I’ve already packed all my stuff, so we can do all those things. I love creating these memories. I want to leave knowing we did make memories. I love family time.

Lex looks like she feels better as the day has gone on, she’s just a bit tired and needing a little extra sleep, but she’s been able to keep a little food down this afternoon. So I’m starting to feel a little more relaxed. I’m not comfortable leaving her, though. Truth be known, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving her if she were well. But I’m as okay about it as I can possibly get at this point. 

She keeps saying how much she’ll miss me. I love it and hate it at the same time.  My lady is going to be sick of talking to me when I’m on the road. I’m upping our daily calls to the start of the day, before lunch, after school for Sierra, before Sierra’s bedtime, and then end of the day at
Lex’s bedtime. I’m not sure if she’s going to go for it, but I figure I’ll just do it anyway.

He’s leaving this morning. I’m driving him to the airport. Sierra is sad he’s leaving, but he’s promised he’ll talk to her every morning and evening. He printed her off a calendar, so she can mark the days until he comes back. She’s really going to miss him. We pull up to the plane. He looks at me, but says nothing before he gets out of the driver’s seat of my Jeep and climbs into the back to hug and kiss Sierra, again. After their goodbye she focuses on watching a movie on the iPad, while I say goodbye to Garrett.

I get out, too, and walk around to driver’s side. He has his bags in his hands and he walks them over to stairs in front of the plane before turning to me. His eyes are glassy.

It’s taken everything I have not to tell him my secret this morning. I want him to stay so badly. But telling him now would be trapping him. It’s unfair. I need to wait. If he stayed, I’d want him to do it because Sierra and I were enough for him.

I know I’m seconds away from losing my emotional hold. I don’t want to send him off with me crying and begging, but I have to tell him how I feel.

“Garrett, when you left me all those years ago for Nashville, I was sad. I missed my friend. But now, my whole being is wrapped up in you. You've made me desperate for your touch and your sweet words. Leaving us now is torture. Sierra and I need you here with us every day. We love you sooo much, Garrett. If you get on this plane, I can't promise her or myself you'll ever come back. Garret, my heart is breaking here! Please, don't go!” I cry out with tears spilling down my face. I’m scared to death. What if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens to his plane? What if he meets someone on tour that’s better suited or prettier than me? What if he finds out what I’m hiding and never comes back because he’ll be so mad?

“Oh, sweetheart, nothing in this world could keep me from coming back to you girls. Alexis, I’ll see you in three weeks and I’ll talk to you every day, baby, so often that you’ll be sick of me.
When this damn tour is over, though, we're changing your name! I don't ever want to live without you and Sierra again. Be ready, baby. I’m giving you some time to wrap your cute little head around it. You girls are mine and this is going to be happening very soon. I love you more than anything, sweetheart! 

He says he’s going to marry me? I’m sure it’s to make me feel better. It wasn’t a proposal or anything. I stand there staring at him, with tears falling down my face and him holding me, like always. I know he loves me, but will he still feel this way when he knows the truth? He’s contractually obligated to be at these events. He’d have to have a damn good reason for cancelling. I still wanted to be enough for him to stay. I knew better.

I hug him again. “I love you, Garrett! We’ll be here waiting for you,” I say, trying to regain my composure before I walk back to the Jeep.

He walks me all the way back to the car, opens the door, buckles me in, kisses my head, waves to Sierra again, and closes my door. Oh dear Lord, I hope this isn’t the last time I’ll see or hear from this precious man. Losing him will possibly kill me.

Instead of going home we go to my brother’s. I’m not ready to walk into that empty house, yet. It feels so wrong. Over the past few weeks my house felt full of life again. I loved it. I know Garrett’s just on a trip, but so was Jed. This will never be easy.

Sierra is thrilled to visit her cousins. She hasn’t seen them in over a week, since we’ve been away in Nashville. We walk through the front door and I smell my sister in-law’s sauce and meatballs. It smells so good and I’m starving!  Sierra runs off to play. Jason isn’t home from work. I walk into the kitchen and Kate’s sitting at the bar. “Hey, you. Was wondering when we’d see you. Did Garrett leave already?” I nod my head, but don’t say anything.

She opens the cabinet gets out 2 wine glasses and starts pouring. “None for me.” I say. She looks at me, startled. “No way,” she screams. I can’t deny it to Kate. She’ll know soon enough anyway and she’ll never forgive me if I lie. But she’s the best at keeping secrets. I know she won’t tell anyone. Not even Jason.

It’s not like she keeps everyone’s secrets from Jason. She doesn’t. But sometimes it’s necessary for Jason to not know things pertaining to Sierra and me, because it stresses him out,
being the overprotective big brother that he is. This would certainly challenge his ability to stay calm. My brother worries too much about my well-being.

“
Lex, start talking!” she badgers, replacing my glass of wine with a glass of ginger ale.

“Five weeks. I’ve been sick. He thinks it’s a bug. He left an hour ago. I didn’t tell him, but I begged him to stay. He says he’s changing my name when the tour’s over. Not sure he’ll still want that when he knows what’s growing in my belly.” I spill it all out for Kate.

“Holy shit! When did you find out? What the hell are you doing keeping that from him, Alexis?” I know it sounds awful. If I were watching this play out on some lifetime movie I’d definitely be calling myself a stupid cow!

“I know, but I didn’t want him to feel trapped. I’ll tell him after the tour is over, but I’m scared he’ll hate me! Please, don’t tell Jason. I don’t need him on my case right now.” I beg, and she nods in agreement.

“I don’t understand why you think he’d feel trapped. He wants a life with you. We all see that. He loves you, sweetie.” Kate tries to reassure me.

I just don’t understand why he loves me. I saw the girls last week falling at his feet. He could have any of them he wanted. “I know he does, but he deserves more than I can give him,” I say sadly.

Kate huffs. “Honey, you have got to stop thinking that what you’re offering him is less than anything else. You’re giving that man one of the best gifts in the world. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He loves you and your daughter. He knows how lucky he is. Mark my words.” I hope so.

My phone beeps.

Garret: I crazy love you! I crazy miss you! I crazy want to kiss your sweet face!

GUILT…
.GUILT…GUILT

Me: I love you, too. I’m at my brother and S-I-L’s for dinner. Didn’t want to go home without you yet!

At least this is true.

Garrett: Call me as soon as you drive home. I want to talk to you girls as you’re going home. I want it to feel like I’m there with you. I Love You,
Lex!

Going home with him on the phone will never feel as good as having him there, but I’ll take what I can get.

Me: Ok. 1 hour. Love you way more, Garrett.

He doesn’t have any clue that being so sweet to me right now fills me with anxiety, because I’m keeping such a big secret. Please, dear Lord, let this man forgive me for this one day.

I had a voice mail from Garrett’s mom today wanting to know if she could have Sierra for a sleepover. They really love her! She’s never had grandparent figures in her life, except for Kate’s mom and dad, who’ve kind of just taken Sierra in as a package deal. I think I’ll see if she wants to go there next weekend. I want to talk to Garrett about it.

Kate feeds all the kids at the table and she put two plates on the bar for her and me, since Jason is running late. She’s drinking her wine and I’m still sipping the ginger ale. I sit at the bar, my plate in front of me, and the meatballs that smelled delightful earlier now make my stomach quake. “Oh no…” and I run off to the bathroom. For something that smells so good, it looks awful. I can’t possible eat that!

When I return to the bar, my amazing sister in-law has replaced my plate of meatballs and pasta with plain pasta and toast. This is more manageable. “Sorry Kate, I love your food, but not right now, I guess.”

She’s sympathetic, “I know. Just try and eat a little something. And keep drinking the ginger ale.”

Jason comes home after we eat. He and I have a few minutes to chat about our incompetent mother, who contacted me asking for money last week. It’s a really crappy situation, because I really just want her to fall off the face of the earth. But Jason, whose heart is sometimes bigger than his sense with her, keeps giving and giving and hoping for things to change. She’ll never stop asking if he doesn’t stop giving. Jason and I do agree that we don’t want her as an active part of our lives, so she’s never met her grandchildren. As badly as it sounds, I hope the day never comes that she does. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. Jason’s handled it he says, so for now she’s on the back burner.

We stay for a while after Jason gets home, so we can visit with him. I haven’t seen my bother in a couple weeks, which is a long time for us. It’s been well over the hour I told Garrett, but I’ll call him as soon as we get in the car.

We’re walking out to the car and Sierra says, “Mama, can we call my daddy now?” Holy shit! Please, dear God, give me the strength to have this conversation with my sweet child.

“Sweetie, Garrett’s not your daddy. Why are you saying that?” I ask, trying to remain calm, even though my heart is in my throat.

“Because, Mama, I prayed and God made him love me, so he’s my daddy now,” she says matter-of-factly.

“Baby, Garrett loves you because you’re amazing. He doesn’t need to be your daddy to love you.”

She shrugs “I know that, but he
is
my daddy!” That’s all there is to it. She’s not going to see this any other way. She’s just too young to understand.

I should talk to Garrett about this. I don’t want her to catch him off guard. He needs to be prepared to tell her that he doesn’t have to be her daddy to love her. He can just be her…
.shit, I don’t know, what is he to her?