What Happiness Looks Like (Promises) (6 page)

He gave her a serious look, closed the van door and started the engine.

She watched him drive away. Did she do something wrong? She’d simply told him how she felt. Honesty couldn’t be wrong, but. . . .

CHAPTER TEN

JOELY

Joely stayed in bed the first time the doorbell rang even though she knew she was the only one home. Probably someone selling something or UPS delivering a package. Either way, she wasn’t going to move. For the third day in a row, she hurt all over.

Someone knocked and a vaguely familiar male voice called, “Joely? It’s me. Dalton.”

She cracked open her eyes. It had been another restless night.

He rang the bell again.

Why wouldn’t he go away? It was as if he knew she were home. She sat up, a flash of pain in her back. Damn. Crawling toward the window, she managed after much effort, to open it an inch. She called down to him. “I’m sick.”

He held up a grocery bag, his dark hair peeking out from under a cowboy hat. “Let me in. I brought you breakfast.”

Wanting nothing more than to stay in bed all day moving the heating pad from one joint to another, she contemplated his offer. She needed to eat before she took her meds and there was no way she had the energy to fix anything. In the end, she knew she’d only feel worse if she skipped breakfast. “Give me a minute.” She gingerly slipped into her silk robe with the lace trim that usually made her feel like a Hollywood starlet. It had been a gift; she never would’ve spent the money on something so expensive.

Clutching the handrail, she slowly made her way downstairs. Her mind told her to hurry, but her body fought her every step of the way. Razor blades stabbed at her knees. “Coming!”

After what seemed to her like too long of a journey, she barely opened the door. She was embarrassed for Dalton to see her so disheveled. With her naturally curly hair untamed, she probably looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. And who knew if her face was all splotchy. She should’ve checked in a mirror first. “What are you doing here?”

“I saw that your sister brought Anna to school.”

She noticed the wind thrashing against the maple tree out front. A bird feeder hanging from one of the branches swung from side to side. “I don’t feel good today.”

“I know. Kate said you were under the weather. So I decided to offer you a little TLC.”

She hated for people to see her when she was sick. “It’s not what you think. I don’t have a cold.” She didn’t really want to say what she did have. When was the proper time to mention that you had a potentially fatal disease? It would certainly put a damper on things.

He raised his eyebrows, pleading with his warm, brown eyes. “How can you turn down a free meal?” She hesitated, but finally pulled the door open all the way and ushered him in.

He removed his hat, hanging it on the antique coat rack that stood in the foyer. “Where’s the kitchen?”

She pointed him toward the big room with granite countertops and copper pots hanging from a wrought-iron rack. She hobbled behind him, hoping he didn’t notice. He unloaded his groceries—two ripe bananas, a tiny crate of strawberries and a tub of vanilla yogurt. He found the blender tucked into the corner and pulled it out.

After she eased herself down on a barstool at the island, she watched him from behind as he sliced the fruit. He looked slim in his plaid shirt and blue jeans. A moment later, the blender whirred. He pulled a glass from the cabinet above his head (thanks to her guidance) and poured.

She took a sip of the drink as soon as he placed it before her. “Yum.”

“Whenever my son gets sick, I always make him a smoothie. He likes blueberries in his, but Kate told me you aren’t a big fan.”

Pleasure warmed then tickled her insides. He’d been asking about her likes and dislikes. “What about you? You like blueberries?”

He nodded and turned back toward the blender.

The room fell silent. She liked to keep conversations flowing, to make people feel at ease. But being her usual bubbly self was a challenge when her body ached. She said the first thing that came to mind. “Anna really loved the painting class.”

“What about you?” He poured himself a glass and stood across the island, facing her. “You helped me and you helped Anna, then didn’t have time to paint anything of your own.”

She thought of the blank paper. She didn’t feel cheated, she felt relieved. Avoidance served her well. Maybe not well, but it made things easier. “It was no big deal.”

He put his glass down on the granite countertop. “They have the class every weekend. Want to go again?”

It was nice to have an activity she could do with Anna and Dalton. She definitely wanted to see more of him, even though inevitably, he would lose interest. The truth was, she hardly ever thought about her lack of coupledom. She had devoted herself to Anna and to helping Kate around the house as much as possible, to earn her keep. (Although Kate’s high standards of cleanliness made her hard to satisfy). Men were a distant memory. Just like jogging or painting or going dancing with her friends. Her current life felt like a temporary layover—only she didn’t know where she was going.

He leaned on his forearms, coming down to her eye level. “What’s wrong? You have a sour look on your face again.”

Tapping her nails against the glass, she took a deep breath. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for Anna to get too attached to you.”

“Why not?”

Nervous and embarrassed, she tried to flatten her mussed up hair. She rubbed her knee, both for comfort and to buy time. “Because it will break her heart when things end between us.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “We’re barely getting started and you’re already planning our breakup?”

“I’m being practical.” She rubbed her other knee, thinking she should take extra pain pills after he left. Unfortunately, they made her feel like a zombie.

“Is this because of her father? Because I’m not like him. I would never lose contact with my child. I don’t know what kind of person could. Sharing my life with my son is the most important thing I’ll ever do.”

Of course this had to do with Jake. If she believed Kate’s version of events, the love of Joely’s life had cut and run when he’d found out about her condition. Even carrying his child hadn’t been enough to keep him interested.

Dalton circled around the island, coming near enough that she could smell his fresh, woodsy scent. He pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. Her heart thudded inside her chest. She wanted to close her eyes and savor his touch, but she didn’t dare.
Don’t get used to this.

He leaned toward her. His breath warm on her lips.

She almost lowered her eyelids, but jerked back instead. “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t done this in a long time.” He took a few steps away and shoved his hands in his jean pockets. He turned his back to her and gazed out the window. The sky was overcast and the wind chimes banged in cacophony. “I thought you liked me.”

“I do like you, but. . . .”

He twisted his neck toward the island. His forehead wrinkled as he studied her. “Is this about the baggage again?”

She nodded.

He moved a little closer. “Would it help if I shared one of my dirty little secrets with you? I’m sure I look like Superman to you right now, but I’m really more like Clark Kent.” He pulled a pair of round glasses out of his shirt pocket and slid them on his nose. “See?”

He
was
like Superman with his strong dimpled chin and protective nature. But was she Lois Lane? No, Lois Lane had a job, she had spunk. She didn’t live with her sister.

He sat down next to her and hooked the heel of his cowboy boot over the bottom rung of the barstool. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I used to be shy—not the sexy, ladies’ man you see before you today.” His lips curled into a smile as he tucked his glasses back inside his pocket. “I married the first woman I slept with.” Glancing down, he shook his head. “I loved her. After five years, she bailed. Said she fell in love with someone else. She dumped me and dumped our son, too.”

“That’s terrible.”

He rubbed the tan line on his ring finger. “Every time we ate dinner, I’d notice her empty chair. When I took Ryan to the rodeo, I’d miss holding her hand. Everything reminded me of the family that we used to be. That’s why I left Oklahoma. To start over.”

She noticed the regretful look in his eyes as he talked about his failed marriage.

A few minutes later, he sighed, as if to let it go. “Now your turn.”

“Brace yourself. I mean you already know that Anna’s dad has suddenly reappeared. But. . . .” She didn’t want to say it. She didn’t like to tell people because she still couldn’t accept that lupus controlled her life. But look at her, in her pajamas, too sore to drive her own daughter to school.

He studied her face. “Tell me. I can handle it.”

Probably not, but that would save them both heartache later. She took a cleansing breath like she’d learned in meditation class. “I have. . . lupus.”

His eyes widened, shock flashed across his face. “Isn’t that. . .”

“Fatal? It can be, but not so much anymore. To be honest, there isn’t a cure.”

Staring at his clasped hands in his lap, he looked solemn. “Damn. You win.”

She blinked a few times. Didn’t he mean to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ That’s what people usually said. That and ‘But you look healthy.’ She tilted her head. “Excuse me?”

He glanced up at her. “You win. Your baggage is heavier than mine.”

She burst out laughing as if her body desperately needed it. She had never laughed about her diagnosis before. It felt good.

He propped his elbow on the counter. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

“Nothing. I mean it was sweet of you to come over and make me breakfast.” She lifted her glass in acknowledgment, hoping she wouldn’t lose her grip. “But I understand that this is more than you bargained for.”

“Hey, I’m not going to run out on you like my wife did to me.”

“But I’m not your wife. We just met and you just got divorced. I think you should go date other women and not latch on so quickly.” How ironic that she was giving someone advice on how to move on.

“Joely, I like you. Why don’t you let down your guard so we can get to know each other?”

“Because it’s not only about me. I’m a mom and dating involves too much risk.”

He waited a beat then stood. “Maybe I should go. I can show myself out.” He headed toward the foyer where he’d left his hat. “But I’m not giving up on you yet.”

She dared to smile at his back.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

KATE

Just before Mitch walked in the door, Kate deleted another message from Evan on the answering machine. She didn’t need Evan screwing things up anymore than they already were. Last night she hadn’t been able to fall asleep until she’d heard Mitch come home. She’d waited for him to crawl into bed next to her, but he hadn’t. Instead, he’d slept in the empty guest bedroom.

Now she glanced up at him and thought he looked a tired. “You’re not working late.” She hated how it sounded accusatory rather than sweet. When did she turn into such a shrew?

He dropped his briefcase in the large archway between the kitchen and living room. His face remained stoic as he scanned the room, probably to make sure Anna wasn’t around. “I’ve been thinking. I want to have a baby with my sperm and a donor egg. At least then the baby will be partly ours.”

But it wouldn’t be theirs. It would be his. “I hate the idea. If we’re going to spend that kind of money, I want to try in vitro again. I read about a doctor in Chicago who offers five IVFs for the price of four. I want to try whatever it takes, over and over again to make my own baby. Our baby.”

He shook his head. “Four IVFs? That’s sixty grand! We don’t have that kind of money. We’d probably be richer and be having a lot more fun if one of us had a gambling habit.”

She pursed her lips. They’d never worried about money. Mitch was an engineer and she earned a smaller, yet decent, paycheck as a counselor specializing in children. “Can we at least try one more round of IVF?”

“That’s what I’m saying. Only use a donor egg.”

Her fingers squeezed into fists. “What about borrowing the money from your parents?” She knew it was a mistake as soon as she’d blurted it out.

His brown eyes narrowed. His chest puffed up. “Absolutely not. I’m forty years old. I am not asking my parents for money.”

His dad had never supported any of Mitch’s ideas. Not since Mitch chose computers over football, fixing antique watches over rebuilding a ‘67 Mustang, and not since Mitch took a job out of state rather than working for his dad’s construction company. Mitch’s mom, however, would probably do anything for a chance at a grandchild. She’d loved being a stay-at-home mom and Mitch was her only child. She’d hinted many times that she wanted someone to knit booties for and sing lullabies to. She’d make a wonderful grandmother.

Kate studied her DIY French manicure. “There has to be a way we can afford this.” She had cut back on expenses, but maybe she could do more.

He loosened his tie and unbuttoned his top button. “We could charge your sister rent.”

She sighed. “She can’t work. You know that.” She figured there were periods when Joely could work, but her good days were so unpredictable. Where would she find a job that flexible? “Besides, you shouldn’t pick on my sister when your parents could easily afford to help us out.”

He pulled his tie upwards as if it were a noose around his neck. His eyes closed, his tongue stuck out.

Neither of them laughed.

JOELY

“Today you get your wish.” Joely wrestled with Anna’s frizzy hair to pull it into a French braid. Her shoulders remained tight, even though she’d seen Kate and Mitch leave twenty minutes ago. Mitch would probably think this was evidence that he’d been justified in giving Anna Jake’s address and Kate would definitely give Joely a hard time. “Remember this is a secret. Don’t tell Aunt Kate or Uncle Mitch, OK?”

Anna nodded, her reflection in the bathroom mirror grinning. She had a gap where she’d lost her first baby tooth in the top row. (She’d been a little disappointed when the Tooth Fairy left only two coins under her pillow. Many of her friends had richer, more generous Tooth Fairies at their houses.) “I can’t wait! I can’t wait! Do you think he’ll like me?”

“Your dad will like you because you’re a phenomenal little girl.” Joely layered the left section of blond hair over the middle, pulling tight.

“Ow.” Anna jerked. Joely apologized and Anna returned to their conversation. “What are we going to do?”

Right strand over the middle, left over the middle, pull taut. Almost done. Thank God her joints were working today. For some reason, she wanted Anna to look her best when Jake saw her for the first time. “I already told you, we’ll go to the zoo. And I’ll stay with you the whole time in case. . . .” Why had she hinted that this might not go well? She needed to put on a happy face for Anna’s sake.

“In case what?”

In case you’re uncomfortable being around your own father. Or in case Jake decides he isn’t up for an all-day outing with a five-year-old. She wrapped the neon yellow elastic around the end of the braid three times. “I meant that the three of us will stay together.”

“Like a family.”

Joely flinched. She hoped she was doing the right thing. More importantly, she hoped that Jake was ready to do the right thing.

When the doorbell rang, Anna sprinted to answer it. No fear. Ah, to be five again. Joely hurried behind her. Through the narrow window outlining the door, Joely spotted Jake, sporting Ray-Bans and a windbreaker. His sunglasses alone probably cost more than Joely’s entire outfit. He stood stiff, well aware that he wasn’t exactly welcome. She opened the door.

Suddenly shy, Anna pressed her body against Joely’s leg. Anna craned her head back to see his face. “Are you my dad?”

Jake removed his sunglasses, revealing the tiny scar just below his right eye, the scar he’d received as a child from his cousin’s wayward fishhook. He extended his long arm, fingers splayed open. “You must be Anna. I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

Anna placed her tiny hand in his and shook it, even though Joely didn’t know if she had ever shaken hands before. Such a formal, grown-up custom. Anna was more into hugs.

The silence in the foyer nearly suffocated Joely.

“Where do you want to go?” Jake finally asked.

Joely explained that Anna loved a nearby farm that had been converted into a petting zoo.

“Hopefully it will warm up soon.” Jake stuck his hand in his coat pocket, pulled out and jingled his keys. He looked at Anna. “Have you ever ridden in a BMW before?”

Anna jumped up and down, even though she probably didn’t know why she was supposed to be excited. “Can I, Mom? Please?”

Joely reached in the foyer closet and pulled out her wide-brimmed hat. Eyeing her cane, she chose to leave it behind. Her body felt pretty good today. “If your booster seat will fit.”

He pointed toward her hat. “What’s that for?”

“The sun bothers me sometimes.” She knew better than to share the inconveniences of lupus with him.

Even though Jake offered, Joely finagled the booster into the back of the shiny black car all by herself. Then she sat next to Anna. Joely didn’t want to sit next to him. He could be their chauffeur.

He revved the engine like a teenaged boy showing off. He checked the rearview mirror for a reaction, seeming pleased when Anna’s eyelids widened.

Joely could see that Anna wanted so badly to like him.

Once at the zoo, they fed the ducks in the pond. It was one of those sunny but windy days that hinted spring was on its way. They kept zipping and unzipping their jackets to stay comfortable. After petting some baby chicks, they went to the goat area, which smelled like manure. Anna pinched her nose.

Jake paid for a bucket of food then opened the gate for Anna to go in. His gaze fell toward his polished loafers. “I think I’ll wait out here.”

Even though Joely wasn’t surprised, a wave of anger surged through her. Didn’t he realize that spending time with your kid meant your shoes might get dirty?

Anna marched confidently toward the center of the fenced area and Joely trailed close behind her. Anna threw some of the pellets onto the ground. “Here, goats. I have treats.”

The goats pushed and shoved each other when they saw that Anna had food. One gray goat climbed on top of the back of another goat in an attempt to get closer. The goat slipped off. Undeterred, it climbed up again and started chomping on Anna’s long braid.

“Ow!” Anna cried.

Joely tried to extricate her daughter’s hair from the goat’s mouth without tugging it, but it wasn’t working. The goat kept chomping, pulling hair out of the braid.

“Ow, ow, ow!” Anna flailed the bucket in the air, spilling food onto the dirt. This lured even more goats.

Joely’s hat fell off her head and she let it go. “I’m doing the best I can, sweetie.” She tried to push the goat away with her hip, but the goat wouldn’t yield.

Anna got knocked to the ground and screamed. The goat nibbled at her back while Joely pushed it away. From out of nowhere, Jake wrapped his arms around Anna and hoisted her into the air. Finally, Anna was free. He placed her on the ground outside of the gate just as her face turned pink.

Joely hurried to be next to her. She sat on a wooden bench and pulled her daughter onto her lap. “It’s OK. That was scary, but you’re alright.” Anna buried her face in Joely’s neck and cried. Joely glared at Jake. “What took you so long?”

“Sorry. I went to find a drinking fountain.”

Glancing over her shoulder, Joely searched for her straw hat. She chuckled and pointed. “Look, they’re eating my hat now.” Anything to distract Anna.

Anna caught her breath and paused to watch two goats playing tug-of-war with Joely’s hat.

Fidgeting, Jake kept tucking his hands in and out of his pockets. “What do you want to do next?” He pointed toward a whitewashed fence. “It looks like there are pigs over there. How would you like a piggyback ride to look at the pigs?”

Joely held her breath. Was Anna ready to be that close to Jake?

Anna seemed to think it over, then snuggled against Joely’s chest. Joely searched for a tissue in her purse but it was filled with prescription bottles. She used her shirt to wipe Anna’s tears. A better mother would’ve had tissues, she thought.

After a few minutes without sobs, Anna seemed ready to continue with their day.

Jake squatted down and offered for Anna to climb on his back. “Time to saddle up.”

As if torn between two great choices, Anna twisted her mouth to the side. She twined a piece of her blond hair around her index finger. Finally, she reached her arms out and wrapped them around Jake’s neck. Once Anna was on, Jake strode across the gravel path, looking like a giant with a tiny, giggling head.

Joely lamented that she hadn’t been strong enough to carry Anna since she was a baby. Sometimes she watched the other mothers carrying their children in the park or at the end of the school day, and she burned with envy.

Jake leaned forward and pretended he was going to drop Anna in the pigsty. She clung to his forehead and squealed with delight. He tipped again. “Whoa!” he teased.

That’s what dads did. She’d read about it in parenting magazines. They teased and challenged and pushed their children, while mothers coddled and worried. The articles said that each parent balanced out the other, for the benefit of the children. After all of these years of women saying they could do it all on their own, conventional wisdom held true. Kids with two loving parents were better than those with only one.

But did Jake love Anna? Was he capable of love? Kate would say no. She’d be furious to know they were together right now. Not that Joely cared what Kate thought. Kate thought she knew so much about being a mom, but no one knows how hard it is until they do it for real.

After Anna saw and touched all of the animals, Joely washed her hands off with the antibacterial gel she’d brought along in her satchel. At least she’d remembered that.

“Does this place have a gift shop?” Jake asked. “I want to get AJ something.”

AJ?
Blocking the sun with her hand, Joely squinted at him. He was already giving Anna a nickname? “
Anna
doesn’t need you to do that.”

He smiled. “I want to.”

Anna pouted. “Mom, you never get me anything at the gift shop.”

Embarrassed by her poverty, Joely pointed toward the wooden shed that the owners had converted into a souvenir shop. Her jaw clenched. She didn’t want Jake to step in and be Anna’s hero quite so easily. He should have to work at it harder.

Jake took Anna off his shoulders in order to enter the building. Once inside, Anna ran from one stuffed animal to the next. She loved them all—the baby chicks, the spotted cow, the barn owl.

The last thing that girl needed was more stuffed animals, Joely thought.

“Polly wants a cracker,” a red and green battery-operated parrot squawked.

Anna picked up the bird. “Oooh. Can I have this?”

Jake patted Anna’s head like you would a puppy. “Sure. Anything you want.”

Cringing at the way Jake was easing his way into Anna’s vulnerable heart, Joely looked at the price tag hanging from the toy claw. Fifty dollars. “It’s too much.”

He shook his head. “Not at all.”

“You don’t have to buy her affection, you know.” That was more his mother’s style. Spend money rather than time with your family.