When I Was Five I Killed Myself (2 page)

“I have to go now,” I said.

“Why?”

“My dad is here.”

“Burt, your parents have gone.”

“No it's special, they came back to tell me something. They came back for me, Dr Nevele.”

“Please sit down.”

I was standing next to the door. I put my hand on the knob.

“Please sit down, Burt.”

I watched him and I opened the door a little and he walked to me. I ran to the other side of his desk. He closed the door and stood in front of it.

“Burt, were you talking to Jessica?”

I didn't say anything.

“Jessica is not here,” he said.

So I took the picture of Jesus Christ and threw it on the floor. I put the wastebasket on top of it and smashed it, then kicked it and ran to the corner by the window.

“She's in the hospital. Her mother was very upset. Very. Maybe you'd like to tell me your side of the story.”

My throat started to hurt. It was killing me. I screamed “You shit ass” at him and made it hurt more,
so I screamed it again and again. I screamed and screamed.

Dr Nevele walked to behind his desk. He didn't say anything and sat down and started reading a piece of paper like there wasn't anybody there. Only there was. There was a little boy in the corner. It was me.

“I have to call my dad,” I said. “I just remembered I have to tell him something.”

Dr Nevele shook his head without looking at me.

I walked over to his bookshelf. I leaned on it. It wobbled. I looked at Dr Nevele and said, “I wasn't talking to you,” but he didn't look up. “I was talking to Jessica.”

“Jessica is not here.”

The books crashed down and went all over the room because I pushed the shelf over. The noise scared me. I ran to the door and opened it. Dr Nevele got up. I closed it.

Now he is going to knock some sense into me, I thought. He is going to teach me a lesson I'll never forget. He is going to show me who's boss around here. He is going to give me a taste of my own medicine. He is going to do it for my own good and I will thank him someday. And it will hurt him more than it does me.

But he didn't, he just looked at me. Then he said real quiet, “Do you want the seatbelt?”

I looked at him. He looked at me. We looked at each other.

“Yes.”

I didn't know what it was. I watched him, he
opened his drawer and took out a belt. He sat me down in the chair and put the belt around me and put the buckles in my hand. I have seen it before, like on airplanes, no holes. I pulled the belt around me. It was tight. I pulled it more. Dr Nevele watched. It was around my stomach and I pulled it and then I pulled it down over my peenie and pulled it tighter and tighter on my peenie until it hurt me so much I started to cry, and I pulled it tighter. On my peenie.

“That's enough,” said Dr Nevele. He came over and undid the belt and took it away. He picked up the telephone and dialed but it wasn't enough numbers. He said, “Send Mrs Cochrane down to my office.” Then he walked over and crouched down in front of me and looked at my face.

“Tell me one thing about her, Burt, just one thing and you can go back to your wing. When was the first time you saw her?”

I looked at him for a long time. Then I said something.

“There is a lawn in front of my house, and I am not allowed to walk on it because my dad pays a gardener good money, but sometimes I look at it from the driveway. Then clouds come. I stand on the driveway and I wait. Then the wind comes like it's going to rain. But it's not. The wind blows. It blows and blows and soon I can hardly stand.

“So I start. I walk backwards ten steps and then I run down the driveway and jump. Then I run up the driveway and jump. Then I run down the driveway and jump
and then the wind comes under me and lifts me up over the lawn and down the block over all the lawns that I am not allowed to walk on. I fly to Shrubs' house on the corner. The wind is always warm. In winter it is cold, but I can walk on the lawn then because there's snow.”

Dr Nevele was leaning on the door. He frowned.

“Burton, the sooner you decide to help me, the sooner you'll be well enough to go home.”

“Shut up,” I said.

“What was that?”

“I wasn't talking to you.”

“Who—”

“Jessica.”

“I've told you, Jessica is not—”

I threw the chair at his face. He knocked it away, it ripped his sleeve and he ran up at me and grabbed me and squeezed me real hard but I yelled, “You're tickling me, you're tickling me.”

The door opened. It was Mrs Cochrane. She was calm.

“Take Mr Rembrandt to the Quiet Room,” said Dr Nevele, “until he regains control of himself. Do you want some help?”

Mrs Cochrane went out and came back with a man in a blue shirt, he was an attendant at The Children's Trust Residence Center. Then Dr Nevele let go of me. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and Mrs Cochrane took my hand.

“Mrs Cochrane, I can walk by myself you know,” I said.

She laughed like. “Well just hold my hand anyway,” she said. I said ok.

And now I am in the Quiet Room. There isn't any furniture in here except a chair. It is square in here. Four sides the same size. A square. It is geometry. I learned it in Homeroom at school. (At the Science Fair I saw a room with one wall, just. It was a circle.)

I deduce that it is raining outside. It is raining bowwows and meows, like how Jeffrey said. (He is my brother, he can name you any car. Any, man.) I can tell it is raining because there is water running down my words where I am writing on the wall. Whoever made the Quiet Room made bad rooms. I deduce he was not ept.

Raining. R A I N I N G. Raining.

On the way here I found a pencil in the hall. Mrs Cochrane didn't see me pick it up. And after she put me in here I did something. I climbed on the chair next to the wall. And wrote something with my pencil.

I wrote it on the wall of the Quiet Room. I am writing now.

T
HE FIRST TIME
I
SAW
J
ESSICA
R
ENTON WAS DURING THE
Air Raid Drill. It was near the end of last semester, in Spring. It was warm outside when we went to the main part of school from the portable. The portable is a little house like, behind school, where the second grade is. I was in the second grade then.

(The portable smells an odor, I don't enjoy it as an aroma. The portable is very little for a building. There are only two rooms in it. I was in one. Jessica was in the other one. I never noticed her until the Air Raid Drill.)

Air Raid Drill is ten short bells. It is very scary for children. There are rules. You have to line up in two lines. You have to pull down the shades so the Russians won't know we're there and kill us. Then you have to pass quietly to the main part of school. Then you have to line up next to the lockers in the hall and sit down on the floor and turn off all the lights and sing “God Bless America.” It is very frightening.

Both the second-grade classes were in line outside the portable waiting to go in the main part. There wasn't any talking. (That is another rule.) Everyone was scared because maybe there was going to be bombs. I was scared only nobody knew. I am a good actor, I feel.

Then somebody talked.

“I'm going home now, Miss Young.”

It was a girl. She had brown hair, no braids (barrettes, though). She stood just, with her hands behind her back like she was ice skating.

“I just thought I'd tell you,” she said. “Because I'm going home now.”

Miss Young said, “Jessica, please get back in line now, there's no talking during an Air Raid Drill.”

“No,” said Jessica. “I'm going home,” and she started to walk away. Miss Young was very cross. She yelled, “Jessica, come back here this instant!” Jessica stopped and turned around. She came back and walked up to Miss Young and said something very quiet. “Miss Young, if there are going to be bombs I want to be home with my family. That's where I'm going.”

Miss Young stood just. She didn't say any words. Jessica looked up at her. She had a red dress on which was soft, you could tell by looking at it. (I am good at looking. I feel Jessica's dress was quite soft.)

Miss Young looked at Jessica.

“This isn't an Air Raid,” she said. “This is only a drill, a practice. There aren't going to be any bombs. It will be over in a few minutes, so there's no need to go home. Please get back in line.”

Jessica didn't move even at all. I thought she was going to cry or something but she didn't. She talked without moving.

“Miss Young, you know I was very frightened because I thought it was dangerous. My dad is going to build a shelter in our cellar. He saw it in a magazine. I thought this was a real Air Raid. I don't think it's fair to scare children.”

Miss Young didn't say a reply, but Jessica stood in front of her for a long time, and when the bells rang for the end of Air Raid Drill she was still standing there. I watched her. She stood until everyone was gone. She was all by herself. Then real slow she picked up the end of her dress, held it in her hands and twirled around and bowed.

This was the first time I ever saw Jessica Renton.

T
HAT DAY
I
TOOK
M
ARLOWE HOME FROM SCHOOL
. U
SUALLY
I walk down Lauder, the street I live on, but that day I walked down Marlowe.

I waited by myself on the corner. (Usually I walk home with Shrubs but he had to stay after school for saying shit to Miss Filmer. Shrubs' real name is Kenny. He is bad in school, all the teachers hate him. But he is my best friend. I have known him since I was born. He is exactly one week older than me. Exactly. We are blood brothers. When we were five we pricked our fingers with a pin and held them together. Except I didn't because I am scared of pins. So I slammed my thumb in a drawer to get blood. I had a cast for six weeks.)

I started to walk down Lauder first, but there were the safety boys on the corner who are mean. They are grease. They pick on little children. Which I am one. I had my picture in my hand from school (we had
coloring in Homeroom because we ran out of things to do) and I waited on the corner for the safety to say, “Let's go.” Safeties stand with their arms out like this and say “Hold it” when there are cars coming and then they say “Let's go” when it is safe. This is why they are called safeties.

While I was waiting the safety saw my picture.

“What is that, a frog?”

“No,” I said. “It's a horse, I drew it.”

He looked at me, he was very large.

“What are you, stupid or something?” he said.

I said, “Yes.” He was going to pound me. But my picture was quite good I feel, as a horse. It was green. I named him Greeny.

The safety grabbed it out of my hands, which ripped Greeny's mouth. He laughed and showed it to the other safety who told him to quit screwing around. (They have two safeties on the corners so they can gang up on little children.) Then he gave Greeny back and said, “Let's go.”

But I didn't. I said, “Do you have some Scotch tape to fix Greeny's mouth?”

“Are you kidding?” said the safety.

“You ripped it.”

“Go piss up a rope,” he said and made a fist at me and I saw his fingernails were dirty.

This is why I walked home down Marlowe that day all by myself. I crossed the first street alone. First you stop. Then you look both ways to make sure no cars are coming. Then you walk don't run across the street.
I am good at safety rules. I have never got run over.

On Marlowe the trees had helicopters in them, which are green things that twirl when they fall. I feel they are interesting as nature items.

Then something happened. I saw Jessica walking on the other side of the street with Marcie Kane who I have no use for, to be candid, because she is a pig, no lie. Also she is Jessica's best friend I found out later. They didn't see me. I was invisible. But I slowed down and bent over to tie my shoe. (Only I didn't really because I have loafers which are cool, man. I made my mom buy them for me. Usually she buys me Boy Scout shoes which I hate but I threw a conniption fit in the shoe store and she bought me the loafers I wanted. They don't have any sewing on them, none. None. They are pointy too. My mother cries every time she sees them. She says, “To be candid, it makes me ashamed.” This is where I got To be candid.)

Jessica and Marcie Kane walked down Marlowe. I watched them. They talked. Jessica was swinging a purse with fringe on it. I didn't know what was inside. It swung up and down up and down against her dress and when it hit her, her dress got like waves in it. I thought, Inside the purse is a magic wand that turns into flowers. And you get a hat with it free, I seen one at Maxwell's.

Jessica's house was the one with blue shutters. Bricks not wood. Not red bricks though, mauve. She went in it is how I knew. She went in the side door from the driveway. Her driveway has grass down the
middle which I don't like as much as our driveway which is plain. Also we have a back door, not side.

(Marcie Kane walked down Margarita. She lives on Strathmoor. In a toilet.)

I stopped across the street from Jessica's house and looked at it. I stood behind a little tree. (We have a little tree in front of our house, it still has paper wrapped around it from the tree store. This is how I can tell my house. When it is big I will be grown. But I will be able to tell my house from the fort on the front lawn. Which I will build when I get out of here. I built one once before, with Shrubs though, out of mud. My father had a conniption fit because he had to rent a truck to get the mud off the front lawn. It was a big fort. It was going to be mauve.)

There was wind on Marlowe, it messed my hair up. I combed it with my fingers. I have a princeton but I want a flat top like on “Spin and Marty,” but my mom makes me get a princeton. I hate it. I would like to kill it. But when it gets long in front I can put Olivo Pomade on it, I dip the comb right in it. It is cool, man.