When I Was Five I Killed Myself (6 page)

When I come out of the office my mom says “Now see, that wasn't so bad was it?”

And last night at The Children's Trust Residence Center I thought about the dentist and cried myself to sleep, because I am afraid, and Mommy isn't here even. I want to go home.

And this morning instead of breakfast I went to the Playroom and looked out the window, because nobody was in there. I watched the traffic go by and wondered
if anyone was going to my house. Then I heard the Playroom door open. But I didn't turn around. I didn't want to see anybody.

There wasn't any noise for a while, then I heard singing. It was a man. He sang, “I'll walk alone, because to tell you the truth I'll be lonely.”

It was soft. I looked out the window. I didn't turn around. He sang some more. It was good singing.

(I am good in Music at school. Next semester I will be in Glee. Miss Allen promised. Once we had a song, “The Three Billy Goats Gruff,” and Miss Allen chose three special boys to sing it for assembly. It was Kenny Aptekar, Gary Faigin, and me. I got to miss Science twice. Also we have a song, “Drill Ye Tarriers Drill.” At the end it goes, “and drill, and blast, and FIRE!” You are supposed to yell out FIRE real loud because it's capitalized, but everyone is afraid to yell because if nobody else does then you look like an idiot. But Miss Allen is easy. One day I was in Music, a few days after the assembly with Officer Williams, and we were singing “Peace I Ask of Thee O River,” and I was the only one who could sing the harmony part. So Miss Allen made me stand up and sing it alone. Harold Lund laughed at me and called me a sissy and I was embarrassed. Then somebody walked into Music. It was Jessica, with a note from Miss Verdon the Art teacher. Miss Allen told me to keep singing while she read the note. Then I did something. I started to sing “Heartbreak Hotel.” It is cool, man, it is Elvis, I can imitate him perfect. I sang
it louder and louder and closed my eyes. When I opened them Jessica wasn't even looking at me, and I stopped. But when she left she looked at me and smiled like.)

I remembered this when I was looking out the window in the Playroom, and then the person who sang said something.

“Would you care for some bubble gum?”

It was the red-haired man. I didn't say an answer.

He sang again. “I'll walk alone, because to tell you the truth.”

The cars passed outside the window and I thought I saw our car and I started to bang on the window but it wasn't.

“I'll be lonely.”

I watched it go, and I thought, Maybe it is our car but my parents don't want me anymore because of what I did to Jessica.

“I said, would you care for some bubble gum?” said the red-haired man.

“No,” I said. And then I didn't hear any more singing. I didn't turn around though. But I heard him blow a bubble and it popped and he said shit.

“You aren't supposed to swear,” I said. “It's not good manners.”

“You aren't supposed to chew bubble gum either,” he said. “Except without it how would I ever get any cavities?”

“It gives you cavities.”

“That's what I said.”

I turned around. He was sitting in a little kid's chair.

“But you're not supposed to get cavities,” I said.

“Says who.”

“You aren't.” I got real mad and turned back around to the window.

Then the man whispered, “I know, I know.”

I sat down in the little orange chair by the window, and kicked some kicks in the rug, which sometimes gives you electricity.

“I like getting cavities,” said the red-haired man. “I want to get all my teeth filled as soon as possible before it's too late. My dentist won't be around much longer. He'll be killing himself fairly soon now.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why is he going to kill himself?”

“Oh,” said the red-haired man, and popped another bubble. “Because he's a dentist. Wouldn't you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, everybody hates the dentist. Even dentists' sons. This guy's son hates him, but for another reason. See, when he was little, the dentist decided that he would pretend he wasn't a dentist, so his son wouldn't hate him. He told his son that he was a professional baseball player. He went and had a Tigers uniform made up, and every day he wore it out the door and wore it when he came home, only then he'd stop on the way home and get it dirty. He had phony newspaper articles written up about
him and slipped them into the Sports Section. But when the kid started school, it seemed that no one ever heard of his dad, so the dentist had all these phony baseball cards printed up and brought them to the stores and slipped them into the bubble gum packs.

“Finally he made friends with Ozzie Virgil, the Tigers' third baseman, took him and his wife out to dinner, did his kids' teeth for free. He got Ozzie to play along with the scheme. So when the kid was eight years old, the dentist finally took him to a game. The kid was very excited. They went right to the dugout, but unfortunately they were too early and Ozzie Virgil hadn't showed up yet, so they wouldn't let him in and then they ran into Ozzie on the way out and the first thing Ozzie said was, ‘Hey, Stan, Joey broke a filling, could Gladys bring him by later today?'

“That was five years ago. The dentist's son hasn't spoken to him since. It's only a matter of time before he kills himself.”

I walked across the Playroom to the toychest. There was a doll in it, a girl who had brown hair with ribbons in it like Jessica. She didn't have any clothes on and I got a stomach ache. Also I was afraid of going to the dentist.

“I have to go today,” I said to the red-haired man.

He nodded with his eyes closed, like he already knew. “By the way, Burt, my name's Rudyard.”

There was another doll in the toychest, it was blond with no ribbons. I threw it at the wall and the arms fell
off. My stomach hurt so bad I could hardly stand up. It was like freezing inside my tushy, up inside me. And I had to go to the lavatory.

I was starting to have tears in my eyes, I bit my lip. I looked at the red-haired man, at Rudyard, and he looked at me with his eyes. He got up and walked over to me and took out a handkerchief and wiped my eyes very soft.

“Dusty in here,” he said. “Allergic to the dust in here.”

I started to cry and he put his hand on my head.

“Rudyard, I have to go to the lavatory, there is something wrong inside my tushy. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the dentist.”

He did this to the back of my hair, he squeezed me a little on my head and put me against him and he smelled like my dad.

“Rudyard, I have to go to the lavatory only I have never been down here, I don't know where one is here.”

“I do,” he said. “It's a good one too.”

I was crying.

“Rudyard, something is wrong inside me. I am different than everybody else.”

Rudyard squeezed my head and did this to my hair and I pushed it against him.

“Me too, Burt. Let's go.”

Today I got a letter. I thought it was from Jessica, but it wasn't.

F
OR THE NEW SEMESTER AT SCHOOL
I
HAD
M
ISS
I
RIS FOR
Homeroom. She is nice as a teacher, she is young and she wears lots of make-up. She has blond hair. She has nail polish and nice clothes like on tv. She wears perfume which is divine. Also she is easy, man, she never yells. Once she said to us, “I let you children walk all over me,” but I never walked on her.

(Last semester I had Krepnik, who is mean. One time Andy Debbs picked his nose during belltime and Krepnik saw. She screamed, “You disgusting child, don't you realize that is the foulest habit?” But Andy didn't say an answer because he is shy, and she yelled, “Go to the lavatory and wash your hands!” Andy leaned on his desk and then Krepnik said he'd have to wash the desk now. “Who taught you such manners?” screamed Krepnik, and Andy Debbs said, “Nobody, I learned all by myself.” Andy Debbs is from the Home. Miss Krepnik is mean to Home kids because they are poor, but I feel she is the foulest habit.)

But Miss Iris is nice to everyone. But one time something happened. I came home and Miss Iris was in our kitchen eating lunch with my mom. My mom said, “Dolores just dropped by after the PTA meeting, would you like to join us, Burt?” I ran up to my room and slammed the door. It isn't right when you see teachers outside of school. Miss Iris was wearing slacks.

But the third day of the new semester Miss Iris announced that the next day we were going to go to the zoo for a trip. She passed out permission slips, they were mimeographed. I smelled mine for an hour. She said we were going to have a picnic at the zoo but everybody had to bring lunch.

The next day I woke up early by myself. I made myself breakfast, ketchup and a Mars bar. Shrubs came to call for me, he rang the doorbell and woke everybody up. All the classes in the third grade got to go to the zoo, Miss Hellman's room and Miss Craig's room and our room. We had a bus. Miss Iris counted everybody, then she came up to me and said, “May I sit next to you, Burt?” I said no, but she did anyway. Then we went.

Mimeograph. M I M E O G R A P H. Mimeograph.

At the zoo we had to have a buddy who was the person you sat next to on the bus, so Miss Iris was my buddy. I said, “Can't I have Shrubs?” and she said, “Why Burt, that hurts my feelings.”

At the zoo is trees and fences and cement things that have the animals in them, and refreshment stands.
There is a trail that is big yellow elephant footprints. I asked Miss Iris if they are real and she said why of course. We followed them. They went to the Zoo Train. I said, “Is the train so small because the elephant squashed it?” and she said, “Oh Burt, you're so precious,” and she put the key that's shaped like an elephant into the Talking Storybook that tells about the animals, and Shrubs said, “I'm going to push ‘Hound Dog,'” but then the train came.

It is like the ones at Kiddyland, only realer. Miss Iris said, “Will you protect me from all the wild animals, Burt?” I said no.

The train went all around the zoo. Miss Craig told us to wave at all the animals and Marty Polaski said he would drop them a postcard. Sometimes the train turned a corner and Miss Iris slid against me and it made me feel funny. She had perfume. Then suddenly Marty Polaski started screaming, “I'm getting mangled by a gorilla, I'm getting mangled by a gorilla!” Everybody turned around. He pointed and said, “Here's the gorilla.” It was Marcie Kane, she sat next to Jessica, they were buddies.