When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (18 page)

Have Fun

MOM
: Don’t bite off the bad side of the apple. Have fun. Fall in love with everything.

Get ‘Er Done

DAD
: Tomorrow is the first day of your future yak yak yak and so on. no shit it really is, grit your teeth and get er done we luv you dad

Whipped Cream Vodka

DAD
: what r u drinking tonight?

ME
: whipped cream vodka

DAD
: sounds disgusting

RIP

ME
: Eww! Dad theres a mouse in the pool filter

DAD
: Thats what happens when u swim alone, RIP mr mouse

Perceptive

MOM
: Where r u?

ME
: Strange folk concert…I’m in 5 inch platforms. Not my scene

MOM
: Remember who u are!

Artichokes

ME
: Do you know how long an uncooked artichoke lasts? Or how do you know if it’s good or not?

DAD
: Squeeze it and if it squeaks it’s fresh. Thanks for asking these are the moments a father dreams of

Extra Careful

MOM
: Be extra careful if you drive to the library as someone could reach through your window and unlock your door and hide in the back.

LOTR Wisdom

DAD
: Gooood morning. Love you. Use your time wisely. Remember what Gandalf said. “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

Box Wine

MOM
: Have a great trip. Wish we were going. Stay away from box wine.

Hip Ratio

MOM
: Babe, I really hope you’re being extra careful with boys. Your hip ratio tells me you’re going to be super fertile.

ME
:...

ME
: Please don’t think about how fertile I am

Eye on the Cheese

MOM
: Keep your eye on the cheese.

ME
: are you drunk?

MOM
: No!

MOM
: Do you know what that saying means?

MOM
: Mice in a maze will never stop trying until they reach the cheese. Metaphor for life.

From the Breakfast Buffet

DAD
: ok. we need to get to sleep now, need to rest up for the breakfast buffet! love you!

ME
: I’m jealous:(

DAD
: study hard, save your money, marry well!

Nuts

ME
: I can’t believe Florida State just beat Duke.

DAD
: Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

Lessons Learned

ME
: How was your day?

DAD
: I learned that (1) customers don’t like it when you ship them the wrong stuff and (2) one slice of ham on an egg salad sandwich is delightful.

Overshadowed

DAD
: Never let your need to entertain overshadow your need to get work done.

Cool Kids

ME
: Going out. see you later

DAD
: K. Remember cool kids play water pong.

Waiting Room

MOM
: when u crack ur knuckles do u know why it makes a sound?.. GHA trivia tv says… “escaping gases”…ewww..basically this means ur knuckles are farting!!..thts gross!

ME
: still in the waiting room huh?

Hangover Speed

ME
: Watching inception. Soo confusing.

DAD
: Yeah the hangover is more your speed.

Great Expectations

DAD
: I hope you are committing all the small crimes someone your age should be!

Church Guilt

MOM
: So you didn’t go to church today?

ME
: Well I woke up, but then I fell back asleep.

MOM
: Did Jesus ever go back to sleep?

ME
: He probably did when He ascended into Heaven to rest.

MOM
: Yes, from dying for your sins, just sayin.

Sperm

ME
: im just having a really bad day . . .

MOM
: just remember baby, at one time you were the strongest sperm.

The Good List

ME
: Whats Good?

DAD
: 1) It’s a beautiful day 2) we are in FL 3) we are all together 4) we are healthy 5) we live in America 6) I have all my hair

Nothing Could Be Better?

DAD
: what r u doing tonight?

ME
: not sure really. there’s a cookout at a church

DAD
: free food and Jesus need I say more

Leave of Absence

DAD
: Just found out that the world record for balancing quarters on your forearm and catching them is 46. Just did 35 with little practice. Taking a leave from work.

Bridewealth

DAD
: figured out how to help your love life. I’m trading you for seven cows. I’m going old school

Health Advisory

DAD
: Don’t get sick again this weekend!

DAD
: Wash your hands!

DAD
: And your mouth!

Band Names

DAD
: Band name idea: Qualms

Recreational Turf

DAD
: “Recreational Turf” sounds like a great class

ME
: It’s supposed to be an easy A

DAD
: It might be interesting. Golf course turf, natural turf for football stadiums, etc.

ME
: That sounds horrible..

They’re BACK!

MOM
: Did you hear?!!! FANNY PACKS ARE BACK!!! They’re called “hands free totes” and they’re the hottest thing in the New York designer lines for spring!! TRUE STORY! I heard it on the radio! So that makes it true. I’m just sayin…. Love ya baby!

Yankee Candle

DAD
: You could poop your pants in the yankee candle store and no one would know.

Acting Career

DAD
: I’m thinking of pursuing an acting career. My goal would be to play an autopsy corpse on NCIS. I know I’d have to start out small, like 1st I’d play a head found in a trash bag on a forensic documentary, then maybe a car crash victim in a medical training film, you know, work up to being diced by ducky. It’s good to have goals...so I got that going for me.

Beasties

DAD
: go to the doctor

DAD
: get a pill

DAD
: kill the beasties inside you

Not a Good Time

ME
: i lost my voice

MOM
: call me

Baking Soda

MOM
: I forgot to call earlier to tell you that your feet smelled really bad when you were here to visit today. Try baking soda!

Jewish Spreads

DAD
: Hi. hope all is well. ur pap smear results are normal…….. those 2 words sound wrong. pap smear. ill have a pap smear on rye!

Fire Safety

ME
: The mall is on fire.

DAD
: Get out.

Survival Advice

ME
: Might not make it off the GW bridge alive in this storm.

DAD
: Keep windows up if you go into water remember that car will float for a min till ya roll win down and swim away

Dead Fetus

MOM
: found a band you could join called Dead Fetus

ME
: That sounds terrible

MOM
: but they’re looking for drummers interested in heavy metal and jazz!!