Where I Found My Heart (12 page)

“So did you.”

Smirking I looked back down at my bare feet.

“Why?”

“Why what Ren?”

“Why did you leave me?”

“Baby, I never left you.”

“Yes you did. You left me all alone. I was so alone, so sad. I really didn’t think I’d make it.”

“But you did, and I’m proud of you babe.”

“I lost him.” Those words were as much a confession as a failure. I bit my lip, afraid to see any sign of disappointment on his face.

“Who did you lose Ren?”

“I lost our son.”

“No, you didn’t. You gave him to me.”

I shook my head, trying to shake the guilt out. It didn’t work.

“I gave him…to you?”

“Yes, and thank you. I really needed him.”

“I need you both.”

“I’m always here Reny. We both are, always will be.”

“But you’re gone.”

“I’ll never be gone Reny, as long as you keep breathing—and Libby keeps talking—I’ll never be gone.” He rolled his eyes the way he always did and I laughed. I looked into them again, looking for a sign of something that would belie what he really felt.

I was amazed, they were as beautiful as I remembered; the golden specks glowing like they were on fire.

“Will you wait for me?”

“Only if you promise.”

“Promise?”

“To be happy.”

“I was happy with you…I was
so
happy.” I felt a pang in my chest.

“I love you Reny, you made me so happy.”

I felt the warmth of my tears slide down my cheeks.

“How am I supposed to be happy without you? How do you expect me to be that strong?”

I was angry. I was angry and hurt.

“You’ll figure it out. You were always able to use that strength inside you, you just never knew it. Always capable of such love…and you always did the right thing.”

“Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me what happened today was not wrong?” I was sorry the minute the words left my mouth.

“I am.”

“Why? I could never look at you again if you…”

“But I am looking at you.”

“Yeah. Well, stop.”

“I’m happy for you.”

I looked at him incredulously.

“Don’t look at me like that, like everything is okay and life is just dandy. You always did that. You always acted like everything was fine.”

“It was more than fine.”

“But…” I felt his finger on my lips and kissed it.

“Live your life Ren.” He backed away. He looked down on the nightstand and saw the prescription bottle. “You won’t be needing these anymore.” He pointed, then he laughed low, deep in his chest, like he did whenever I did something silly, or stupid.

“Don’t leave. Please.” I was panicking. A felt this strange flood of sadness and urgency wash over me. In my head I was trying to come up with a plan to hold him here, keep him with me.

“Hold my hand.” I held my hand out desperately needing his touch. He smiled and held my trembling hand, his so soft, so warm as it encased my own.

I don’t know what happened next, or how, but it was if he reached inside me and pulled the sadness out. If I had to liken it to a feeling I would know, I’d say it was like million rose petals fell from the sky at once caressing my skin, covering me. I felt peaceful, and also exhausted.

“I’ll always be with you Reny.”

“I love you Dylan. I’ll always love you.”

“Love you too babe.” It was his standard answer, but I knew whenever he said it, he meant it.

I saw him smile as he backed away from me. It was bright, and warm and happy, and I was filled with his brightness, his warmth, and felt his happiness.

I was afraid to move, afraid I wouldn’t see him again, afraid I wouldn’t feel like this again. But I remembered what he told me and I knew he was right. I was always able to use the strength inside me. I knew I had to now.

Knowing I would see them both again gave me that strength.

I was ready to live again.

I needed to live again.

Chapter 24

The next morning I woke up to find grey clouds drifting by fast, leaving a sky of stunning blue and a bright cheerful sun in their path. I sat on the edge of the bed, my feet skimming the floor and looked around the room suspiciously. It was exactly as I remembered it. Everything in its place. Everything how I’d left it before going to sleep. Then why did I feel like so much had changed?

I went inside to brew a pot of coffee. I brushed my mass of tangles and swept it up into a messy bun, securing it onto the top of my head. I dressed in a McAdams Nursery Tee shirt and baggie jeans and pulled the garden clogs out from under the bed. When I was finished dressing I walked to the kitchen poured a cup of coffee and took it back into the bedroom. I set it on the nightstand…next to the pill bottle.

That same bottle that had a power over me almost a year now.

“Won’t be needing you anymore.” I said as I picked up the bottle then went into an all out panic dropping the pills. “Where’s the ring? Okay not funny. Where is that damned ring?”

I jumped up and looked under the table, under the bed, in the bedding. I sat on the floor and looked in the closet, searching through every pocket of every pair of pants and every jacket pocket I’d worn in the last week.

My cell rang, and I jumped, my nerves on edge.

“Hey, it’s me coffee?”

“I lost it. I lost it.”

“Reny, what’s wrong?” Libby’s voice changed from her typical cheerful self to serious worry mode. “What’s wrong Reny?”

“Libby I lost it.” I sobbed, “I lost Dylan’s ring.”

“Don’t panic, I’m coming now and we’ll find it together. Okay?”

I was silent. I know I’d gone pale because I could feel the blood drain from my face. I was dizzy.

“Okay.” I got at least one word out.

I looked in places it couldn’t be. Inside shoes I hadn’t worn in a year, my dresser drawers, the shower. I even looked in the medicine cabinet. Really Reny?

There was a knock on the door and I ran to it, opening before asking who it was; thankful it was Libby. Another set of eyes.

“Help me find it Libs. Please.”

She had commented in the past I should put it in my jewelry box and not leave it on the end table, said it was like I was ‘torturing myself’. She was right. I wanted to see it every morning I awoke and every night I fell asleep…just to remind myself why I was so sad.

“I have to find it Libby. Look. Look.”

“Okay Ren, I’m looking.” She took the sheets off the bed. The covers and pillows lay in a pile on the floor. She looked under the chair cushions. She nearly crawled under the bed. If I didn’t know better I’d say she was as determined to find it as I was.

“Shit…fuck fuck fuck.”

“What, did you find it?”

“No.”

“Then why are you cursing.”

“I don’t know.”

I looked in the hamper. Then one by one tossed each drawer in the dresser upside down. She crawled on all fours over to where I sat on the floor to aid me in my search.

After checking we replaced the contents and I shoved the drawers back inside the dresser.

“When did you see it last Reny?” Her face flush, her eyes bright.

“I saw it last…” I thought for a few moments and then…and then…“I saw it last night on Dylan’s finger…last night.”

If I could have taken a picture of the look she had on her face right now I would have and it would be my screensaver for the rest of my life, but of course that’s not how it goes.

The feeling of the millions of rose petals fell over me and I smiled.

“Why are you doing that? Why are you smiling like that?” She was on edge.

“I saw him last night Libby.” When she continued to look at me like that, I continued, “I saw him last night in my dream. He spoke to me. I told him…well, I told him everything. When he was leaving…in my dream. I panicked. He saw that. He knew I was unraveling.” I took a deep breath before I spoke again. Libby looked like she needed to breathe. “Libby breathe.” I laughed.

“What the hell are you talking about Reny? You’re scaring me.”

“I was with Dylan, he took my hand to soothe me and all at once I felt this amazing calm, like a force field cover me. And when I looked down it was there...on his finger.”

“Reny, you are confusing the hell out of me right now.”

“Libby, Dylan had the ring on. It was on his finger. I saw it.”

I laughed. I laughed so hearty I thought for a second I might be crazy after all. It was such a release to laugh like that. I stood up and jumped up and down, then spun like a little girl in circles. I felt pounds lighter. My heart felt full. I wanted to scream…but then I looked down at Libby kneeling on the floor next to my drawer of panties and bras and I laughed some more.

The dream was remarkable.

The look on Libby’s face…priceless.

Chapter 25

I finally got coffee into Libby and watched as the color returned to her face. I told her all about my dream…leaving some for me. She didn’t quite believe me when I told her brother had taken his wedding band and wore it, but the relief in her face when she heard me talk was enough. If anything, she was happy I believed it. And I did. And I was.

When I finally walked into Greenhouse Three, I walked directly to the back and went about making Dylan’s old office my own. Which basically meant I left it like it was, with all the wonderful memories where we’d left them.

I cleaned up and tided, dusted and washed. Then when I was done I sat back in his chair with my hands firmly placed on the desk and let out the breath I’d felt like I’d been holding for a year.

“I’m here Dylan. I here and I’m happy.” I smiled knowing he heard me. “Take care of our son till I see you both again.”

“Who are you talking to?” I looked up to find both Libby and Dave standing in the doorway.

“Your brother.”

“Jesus.” Dave mumbled.

Libby nudged him with her elbow.

“You look all settled.”

“I am. This is where I want to be.” I looked around them both out into the vast space of the greenhouse. “If it’s okay with you guys, I’ll keep my office in the store too.”

“Of course. It’s your office.” Libby said.

“You okay Ren?”

“Dave, I’m just great.”

“Libby said…” Libby jabbed him again, “Ouch Lib, what the heck is wrong with you. You said you think she’s cra…” Another jab.

“We wanted to check on you. See you later? Lunch?”

“I have plans.” I looked at Libby then my watch, “well, at least I hope to have plans. If you guys would excuse me, I need to...”

Dave looked between his sister and me. “Ren, nice to have you back,” He turnd his full attention to his sister, “I think you need to come with me.”

“Yeah. Coming.”

She turned to leave.

“Libby?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Why don’t we have dinner soon…you know, go over some wedding plans?”

She smiled her normal Libby smile.

“I’d love that. Just let me know when.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Sounds perfect.” She turned to leave then spun around, “Ren?”

I looked up at her.

“It
is
nice to have you back.”

“Good to be back.” I reached for my cell phone. There was something I needed to do.

When I heard the bling of my cell I nearly jumped. I wasn’t expecting an answer that fast.

Yes, you’re right. It is a perfect day for a picnic. What time should I pick you up?

Would I sound to anxious if I said now?

I smiled, but inside I was a ball of nerves.

On my way.

I grinned.

Yes
, like an idiot.

Mark is where I found my heart again, and although it sounds extremely crazy, I owed it all to Dylan…the man who once owned it.

The End